


Runaway

by heartspocky



Series: Home-verse [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate universe- junior high/high school, Awkward Crush, Coming of Age, Hope vs. Despair, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Bullying, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's not as grimdark as the tags make this sound, M/M, Mutual Hurt/Comfort, Police, Strangers to Lovers, emetophobes plz be wary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:39:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 103,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4267104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartspocky/pseuds/heartspocky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At fourteen, Sora feels like he's reached a dead end. Another year of bad grades means the possibility of repeating a hellish year of middle school. Dealing with the fallout from his classmates and cold, strict mother only makes matters worse.</p><p> So, with a backpack full of clothes and enough food to last a week or two, he decides to run away in hopes of finding his long-lost but well-loved father. On the way he meets Riku, a more experienced runaway whose unpredictable personality and cryptic comments often leaves Sora with a lot more questions than answers.</p><p> Sora knows a tough road lies ahead, but he also knows that they might have a chance if they can just stick together. Riku/Sora.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Out

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Use of 2 anti-gay slurs, mentions of classism.
> 
> This is the first serious story I ever finished! Originally uploaded to FFN in about 2005, it sort of ballooned into this massive universe with characters and scenarios I still work with from time to time. My AO3 felt naked without it. uwu
> 
> The original version is still on FFN but you aren't missing anything. Here, I've modified the writing itself, grammar, some characterization and details to make the story itself more cohesive. It's still not as clean as something I would write from scratch today, but overall not bad for something I started at ~11.
> 
> More warnings may be added as needed, but I think I hit them all. There's nothing too graphic in this story as far as detailing the various types of abuse--it mostly deals with aftermath of such events. As a writer (of trash) I try to deal with abusive situations in an appropriate and not exploitative way, so hopefully I succeed there.
> 
> Enjoy!(??)

Monday morning starts with me finding out that I got a D on a big test... again. 

I stare down at the _45%_ scrawled in red, angry ink on the top of my paper, like it's gonna change if I just wait long enough. I don't think I'm going to pass math this term.... It's already May and I was really counting on this score to raise my grade. Guess that's not happening now. Better luck next year, or something. I could seriously throw up just thinking about doing this all over again. I mean, my stomach dropped the second my teacher handed the paper back and two hours later it hasn't lifted itself back up yet. Why would it? I already know how this is gonna pan out: 

One, Mom's going to go absolutely ballistic. Screaming and shouting or cold, angry silence... I don’t know exactly what I’ll get, but it’s all the same to me.

Two, I'll try to tell her it's not that I'm stupid--because I'm not--and that it isn't that I don't try--because I do. I'll remind her that I'm bad at school and bad at studying and concentrating and sitting down for so many hours in a row. That I can't help it if I don't get the straight A's she wants to see. 

Three, all that stuff I won’t tell her will sit in my head. That I can’t just ask for help, that the other kids don't want anything to do with me and my teachers don't like me much, either. I won’t tell her that my life feels like this kinda circle where I study but I can't really concentrate, and I can't get anyone to help, so I don't pass, and then she just yells at me but doesn’t make me want to learn, and I try to study but there's so much pressure I can't concentrate... Wash, rinse, repeat.

And Mom's favorite word is "excuses", so I know how well all my reasoning will go over with her. Ugh. This is all so unfair, but there's no changing it now. What a mess...

When the bell rings at three, I'm caught in a blurry, frantic rush as my classmates and I all spill into the hall at once. I’m just trying to sneak through the crowd before some jerk jock can track me down and try to cause trouble. Still... as much as I usually like leaving at the end of the day, for once I find myself wishing I had a study session, a sport, a club... anything so I could stall a little before going home. Just for today, at least. 

It's just hard not to feel like some kind of monster is waiting for me at home. Bullies I can deal with. I haven't really learned how to stand up to my mom yet.

No wonder Dad's gone. I would have left us too, if I were him...

"Sora!" Donald calls. It jerks me out of my little pity party, majorly startling me in the process. As usual, he's with Goofy. No surprise there; they're my best friends, and we've known each other for as long as I can remember. It's always been us three, and I bet it always will be. That's probably the one given about my life that I don't mind at all.

"Hey, guys!" I shout back, trying to sound cheerful. I don't want them to know that something's up. They'll just worry, and I definitely don't want that. At least I’m pretty good at smiling even when everything feels wrong, and everything does feel wrong--from this sick feeling sitting in my stomach like a stone and outward, to my fading, fraying uniform. Well, at least one thing’s fixable. The second I get home, I’m so out of these dress pants and this stupid blue tie. 

"Why didn't you wait?" are the next words out of Donald's mouth.

"I forgot," I say after a little too long, mind away from my uncomfortable wardrobe and back on my bad test grade.

"That's all right!"

I sigh a little, feeling myself loosen up slightly as my only other friend puts in his two cents. George--or Goofy, as pretty much everyone knows him--is the most easy-going person I've ever met. He's my rock. Whenever things get crazy or Donald and I get too out of hand, he's the one to calms things down. The three of us balance each other out perfectly. We fit, and that's probably what keeps me sane. Especially on days like today.

We reach my place within the mostly-silent half-hour. Nothing drops out of the sky and kills me, which may or may not be for the best. I wish we could've detoured, but it's a straight path to the little mobile home community where I live with my mom. Once you get through the gate it's a little less straight-forward, though. There are a lot of us to pack in so it's twisty and turny, with little ins and outs which would make it easy to get turned around if you didn't live here. My small house is way in the back, which buys me another ten minutes that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. So there’s that. Lately I’m all about the little things.

Well... here it goes.

I swallow hard as I walk up the front step, not wanting to open that door.

"Good luck, Sora!" calls Goofy as he and Donald continue to their houses. I swear, he always knows when something's up... that's the sign of an enduring friendship. Or maybe it's a sign of people who hang out too much.

I open the screen door and reach into the side pocket of my backpack for my keys, shoving them into the lock and throwing open the wooden door. The sound of it slamming against the wall inside is what gets Mom’s attention. She looks up at me from her place on the couch, already annoyed. What else is new....

"You're late," she snaps, standing, her arms crossed tight across her chest. "Where were you?"

"I had to wait for my friends," I explain gently. "The school bus broke down, so I'm walking home this week... remember?"

Anger flashes on her face and I flinch a little, expecting a blow that surprisingly doesn't come. 

Still, she's glaring at me now... there's a bad sign if I ever saw one. Without thinking, I grab the failed test from my graying backpack, figuring it'll at least get her mind off my lateness, rushing some sort of explanation about how she needs to sign it before tomorrow so I can turn it back in. I start to retreat to my room, but when she yells for me to come back I know two things for certain: she just read my score... and nothing good's gonna come outta this. 

Ugh...

I'm fourteen years old, and I'm gonna die before I finish puberty.

My legs feel like stumps like they always do whenever Mom calls for me to _get my ass back over here_ , and as I meander back into the tiny living room, I just try to look as innocent as possible. I obviously fail, because she slaps me anyway and the usual berating starts. Looks like I'm in it for the long haul....

After what seems like an hour, or two, or three hundred, she finally sends me to my room. You'd think that by now I'd be used to this, but it still hurts. It always hurts. _I_ always hurt.

I can't take this anymore.

The thought floats into my head once again as I flop down on my tiny, unmade bed. I am so sick of being treated this way, like there’s just no hope for me. Not just by my mom, but by everyone. All my teachers, my classmates... But I've been through this a thousand times, and it still doesn't change a thing.

I’m glad to have my friends, I really am. But sometimes it isn’t enough. I wish my Dad were here, 'cause he'd know what to do. He loved me, and that's the only thing I really have to hold onto when I spend so much time feeling alone like this. I wish he hadn't just up and left. I wish he'd taken me with him when he went, wish he'd left us a note or called us every once in a while. I wish that we knew if he'd ever be back... but it's been six years now. If Dad had wanted to come back and live with us again, he would have by now, wouldn't he?

That's not a question. Not since I already know the answer.

I think I fantasize too often about how my life would be different now if he had let me go with him, if I would go to a great school and have lots of friends. Even if I didn’t, he would understand my grades and not yell at me and call me stupid, but figure out how to help. Because when I was little he'd make me laugh when I wanted to cry and I don't think anything would've changed just because I’m older now.

I wonder if he misses me? I wonder if he thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing? If he remembers exactly how old I am and remembers me on my birthday? If he remembers all of those stupid little details about me like my favorite color or food?

 _Why do I keep rehashing this in my mind?_ He's not coming back. Ever. He didn't want Mom and even _if_ he loved me, and that might _just_ be an if, I wasn't enough to stop this all from happening. I don't know why I keep torturing myself by wondering how things could be different, because they never will be. The sooner I can get that through my stupid head, the sooner I can get over it and move on with my life. 

Besides, it's not like I can just run off and turn up on his doorstep.

I turn away from my window, pulling my pillow over my head to try and cancel out the sound of the super loud birds that nested in a tree by my window at the beginning of the spring. Sometime after I close my eyes, curling up on my side and frowning so deep I wouldn’t be surprised if my face stuck, the light bulb flickers on.

What if I just ran off and turned up on his doorstep?

I could finally get all my questions answered once and for all! And maybe he'd even let me stay with him! I wouldn't have to go back to this school, I could get away from Mom.... This is perfect! That totally settles it! I'm leaving, as soon as possible. I'm leaving this weekend, this week... no... tomorrow.

I'm leaving tomorrow. 

The thought makes me burst into a grin and I curl up even tighter, just visualizing it. Me, knocking on his door and him, happy to see me.... he'd look older, but he'd be the same. Like me. 

I'm leaving. Leaving! This makes so much sense, how didn't I think of it before?

Now to come up with a battle plan... how soon do I want to set out? I'll have to wait until Mom's at work, and she usually leaves about nine or ten. I could just pack up in the morning and act like I'm going to school, then make a break for it. Mom won't realize I left until the evening and by then I'll be long gone.

No, that wouldn't work... the school would call saying I was a no-show, and that'd blow my cover for sure. But if I wait until after school ends, I'd die of anticipation. Plus, I'd have to shake off Donald and Goofy... and if I waited till after school to pack, I'd risk Mom being home early again. Bringing supplies with me to school is out of the question, too, so I'd have to come home to pack. If I had all my stuff on me, there'd be no room for my books or homework--not that it matters, I guess-- and what if some of the bigger guys felt like playing keepaway with my backpack again? It'd be hard to explain why I was carrying around... what? Clothes, I guess. And food, or something. 

I sigh heavily, flipping onto my stomach, my pillow a comforting little weight on the back of my head. Man, I shouldn't have settled into bed like this... barely four in the afternoon and I'm so sleepy... 

Guess I can keep planning this out later in the evening. For now, it's nap time.

 

The sun wakes me, and if it's low enough in the sky to shine through my window like that...

Agh! That means it's morning!

I shoot up out of my bed like a rocket, heart in my throat, un-made bed mussed up and my pillow somewhere on the floor. A frenzied glance at the alarm clock on the folding chair next to my bed tells me that it's 7:15--which means I have enough time to get to school, if I hurry. Man, I hope Donald and Goofy went on without me, I'd hate to hang them up.

Ugh, I didn't do any of my homework yesterday... I thought Mom would've woken me for dinner at least, but then, I guess that no dinner was probably part of the punishment.

At least I'm still in my uniform so I don’t have to get dressed...it makes me feel like a slob, but what are you gonna do?

I rush into the bathroom, thankful as I catch a glance into Mom's room to find that she's still asleep. Cool, now she can't give me a hard time for sleeping in, and.... I glance up in the mirror above the sink just in time to see my face drop unconsciously into this dumb, wide-eyed alert as I remember: I'm leaving today.

And I have nothing even resembling plan.

Great, now I'm stuck trying to figure out what I'm going to do while I try to brush my teeth and hair and slide on one of the pairs of shoes littering the bathroom floor all at once. I'll come up with something, I know I will, but just knowing isn't making these butterflies in my stomach go away any. And now that this idea is in my head, I _can't_ change it. I can't wait another day. I have to do this.

It's okay, though. I already know what's not gonna work. That's all I need. I can figure the rest out as it comes.

I can do this.

 

The school day drags by so slowly it feels like it'll never end. Okay, so it always does--but today’s even worse than usual. At least the bullying isn't so bad, just the usual jokes about my fading, fraying uniform. No one even calls me queer, so they must be having some sort of off day. Not that I'm complaining. Besides, it gives Donald's face a rest if he doesn't have to shoot dirty looks at someone every five minutes. 

The lunch bell rings and I tell him not to wait up for me, letting him go find Goofy so I can head to the nurse's office. I'm out of here.

You'll understand, guys.

"What's wrong?" the nurse asks when she notices that I'm clutching my stomach as I walk in.

"I think I'm sick," I tell her. I loiter in the doorway until she motions for me to come all the way in. Well, here it goes... I'm making this up as I go along now. I just hope I don't completely blow it. I'm a horrible liar, and the worst at thinking on my feet. The definite worst. Please don't let me stutter or start laughing out of sheer nervousness... "I think it was something I ate." 

She turns her attention to me but not fully, distracted since she's also dealing with a kid who's laying down on the little bed on the far corner of the room. Maybe that'll make this easier. Thanks, other sick kid. Err, actual sick kid.

"I'll call your Mom," she says, frowning and opening a drawer to thumb through some files. "What's the number?"

"No!" I shout, which makes her look at me like I have a daisy growing out of my head or something. Smooth, Sora, real smooth. "My mom's not home, and I'm not supposed to call her at work." At least that part's true. She'd get in trouble for taking a personal call, and forget about her leaving early to tend to her kid. That's a pink slip for sure. "It's a short walk, like fifteen minutes. I'll be fine." A really hacking cough, smothered into the inside of my elbow, seals the lie.

She hesitates, glancing at the emergency card she's just pulled out and then back at me. For a moment, I don't think she's going to let me go. 

"...Okay," she says, despite my fears. Which means this is actually happening.

 _Whew!_ I almost can’t believe it.

After I head out I collect the stuff from my locker and walk down the hall till I reach the front doors. Opening them feels like a victory. I am so ready to never step foot on this campus ever again.

Once I'm actually officially out, I breathe a sigh of relief. The butterflies that'd accumulated during my walk to the nurse's office are almost entirely gone, giving me a new little spring in my step as I walk home. In fact, I'm so eye-on the-prize that, when some classmate sitting up against the fence calls me a faggot in front of her boyfriend before I cross the street, I don't even pay attention. Say whatever you want, I'm gone!

Halfway to my place and I'm golden. This is already easier than I thought.

I think I can actually do this... I might actually pull this off.

I can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I humanized Donald and Goofy because of some really cool fanart that circulated a lot back in the day. "George" is a reference to Goofy cartoons from the 50s, where his name was sometimes George Geef, with Goofy implied to be a nickname.


	2. Into the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night doesn't go exactly as planned.

I shoot straight into my room the second I get home and leap onto my bed, listening to its creaky, squeaky protest as I settle down. With shaking, hasty hands, I unzip my backpack and turn it upside down, letting all the crap that's been accumulating for the past nine or so months spill out. The floor groans as books and binders thump onto the floor; a waterfall of loose papers spill out everywhere, I think I even see an old field trip permission slip with everything else.... Huh, so that's where it went... that would have been useful when I actually needed it.

Taking a peek inside my backpack tells me that I've done my job--it’s completely empty. I jump to my feet and ransack my room, pulling out drawers left and right as I begin to fill my backpack with new necessities: spare clothes, money, water bottles. 

I don't know why I'm in such a hurry, darting around like a madman. I can take my time. I should be thinking this through. But I'm just so excited. And scared. And hopeful.

I take a step back to look at my alarm clock. It's only one, and Mom doesn't come home until three at the earliest, but it’ll probably be closer to six today since she slept in. I have time, but I'm literally running myself ragged, completely out of breath, and I haven't even stepped foot outside my room yet. Better not to get too frantic.

I do a mental inventory of what I've packed so far: a pair of shorts and jeans, three shirts, one long-sleeved, underwear. Four water bottles, and about $50, more or less... allowance and birthday money I never spent back when Mom still had money to spare. I wish we had more food, but I grab a couple bags of pretzels, a small bag of cookies, and some fruit snacks. Not the best for me, but it's what I have to work with for now. Before I forget, I jaunt through the short hallway and into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush, then hightail it back to my room.

I take one last sweep of my now-messy room just to make sure I haven't missed anything. 

Hm... I really should bring... 

No, that'd just be dumb. I'm not a little kid. But...

Dropping to my knees, I reach under my bed and pull out a soft mass of white cloth. It's hopelessly faded and way too big for me, but this sweatshirt is the only thing I have left of Dad. He wore it all the time when I was little, so I had to snag it when Mom start throwing out all the stuff he left behind. It's lived under my bed ever since, 'cause if she ever found it, she'd flip.

...Yeah, I'm bringing it. Maybe if I get discouraged out there, it'll remind me of what I'm leaving everything for.

Crap, that reminds me--I should probably change before I go. Big dress shoes and a snug school uniform won't exactly protect me from the elements. So I throw on a red shirt, some old cargo shorts, and my favorite gray and white jacket. Some thick socks will fill in the gaps enough to make my secondhand sneakers fit pretty comfortably. Good to travel in, I think.

I guess that's it, then... I'm ready. And at the front door before I even realize I'm up. Then, for reasons I can't explain, I just... seize up, my hand centimeters away from the doorknob. I don't know why I'm just standing here like time has stopped, like something unfamiliar will be waiting for me on the other side of the door. I guess I'm just saying goodbye to everything I've ever known. Goodbye.... And you know what? Good riddance, too.

I grab the knob decisively and swing the door open, letting the thin wood clatter into place on its own behind me as I break into a run, not even paying attention to where I'm going, just knowing that it needs to be away from my classmates, somewhere will no one will ask me why I'm not in school. 

For a second my chest begins to burn and the way my feet slam against the ground almost hurts. Then it's quick footsteps, short breaths, and the rhythm of my heartbeat that keep me running, farther and farther.

 

Once I realize I've actually gotten somewhere, I let myself slow down and catch my breath. Or at least, I think I’ve gotten somewhere... I think I'm still in the city limits, but I'm a couple miles away from home, at least.

There aren't many people around, which can either be good or bad... on one hand, no one's going to try and get me back home. On the other... this is so weird. Where _is_ everybody?

I think I know this place a little, too, which adds to the weirdness of the whole thing... It's just a speck of remembrance, nothing major, but this street used to have theaters and stores that sold sweets and little specialty toy shops. At one time, it was clean and new and all themed to look like a candy-coated 1950s flashback. Now, everything's all gray and boarded-up and signs posted around everywhere promise a new mall coming in 2006. Four long years away. Guess the flashback ended, huh? Makes sense that there aren't any people around, though. This isn't a residential area, it's an industrial downtown that's under major need of renovations.

Still, I can’t help but smile as I remember how my friends and I would come here when we were little. Back when I actually had lots of friends. Dad took us almost every weekend.

Nostalgia almost knocks me off my feet, and I swallow past a lump the size of a melon caught in my throat as I continue on. I have to find him.

 

As I trudge along, it doesn’t take long for me to realize I don’t recognize anything anymore. Okay... maybe it's about time I try to figure out where I am. Or where I should be going. Suddenly I’m kind of starting to see the flaw in my plan...

I wonder how long I've been out now? My watch says it's five on the dot, but I'm not sure what time exactly I left, or how far from home I really am.

Basically, I'm lost. But what did I expect?

A little more wandering leads me to a store that's actually open, unlike the rest of this little shopping outlet just ahead of the abandoned plaza. I walk in because, hey, school's out. It's not like I'm going to look suspicious. Well, more than I do already, wandering around by myself in the middle of nowhere.

"Excuse me," I ask the lone man behind the counter. "Where am I?”

He turns to look at me, this middle-aged man, blonde-haired and a little weathered-looking.

His eyes widen in surprise, like he wasn’t expecting anyone to walk in, then he gets real stern, fast. I’d know that stiff posture and hard gaze anywhere--it’s a teacher’s trademark. When they’re around me, at least. 

"What are you doing out here?” he asks, gruff voice thick with an accent I can’t quite place. He doesn’t wait for an answer before chastising me. “You should head home before it gets dark. It’s no playground out here for a young boy."

Wait... young boy? How old does this guy think I am?

"What do you mean, gramps?" I ask instead of arguing it.

“Ever since this part of town closed up shop, it’s been nothin’ but trouble. We’ve got gangs and thieves--all sorts.”

"Oh..." I swallow hard and rub the back of my neck. Nervous habit. Of course I would run headfirst into the shadiest place imaginable. "Why is this place still open, then? I mean, it looks like every other place is abandoned. Don't you get scared?"

He crosses his arms. 

“Scared? Me? I’d chase ‘em right outta town if they set foot in this shop. But someone’s gotta stay open. Too many kids didn’t know what they were gettin’ into. Too many hurt kids and angry parents.” He uncrosses his arms just long enough to grab a toothpick from his pocket and jam it into his mouth. Must be an ex-smoker. "So it’s my business and the police station down the street. Keeps this area safer."

You’d think I’d be less nervous, with protection so close and all. But all I can think is, this looks so fishy. I don't want to get caught and sent back on my first day.

“That’s good,” I respond neutrally as I can with my heart in my throat. “I guess I’ll get going but, uh, first... Do you have a map I can borrow?” 

Not sure why I ask to borrow it. He’s not getting it back.

"Sure do," he says, not taking his eyes off me as he reaches under the desk, pulling out a stack of all sorts of folded up maps before handing me one off the top. I thank him, taking it from him gently, and turn away. I'm halfway out the door when I hear him tell me to "get my butt home if I value it any." Cool.

I glance over and wave in acknowledgment as I leave. I wish I hadn't...I don't like the way he's looking at me. It feels like he's examining me, trying to memorize my face. Does he know I'm running away? Is he going to call the police and make me go back to my mom? 

I smile to myself to try and ward off any bad feelings, concentrating on my newly-acquired map as I walk. At least I've got this, so I'm one step closer to finding my dad. I mean, I'm not stumbling around totally blind... I kind of have an idea of where I am, and I’m not totally running blind, here. Once my Dad told me about a place he’s always wanted to live, a childhood home. He’s probably there. If he isn’t, then his family probably is. Either way I’m covered. I’m sure once I just see the name, I’ll know it in a heartbeat. 

If I'm reading this right, I'm actually more than just a few miles away from home... More like ten. This is awesome! I've been making great time. My feet aren’t even that sore or anything, so I bet I can get really far tonight. Just as well, if this place is really as bad as that guy says it is. I just wish it weren't getting dark already. Now I really feel like I need to hurry along. I need shelter, a safe place to sleep before all the creeps come crawling out. I should probably be more careful, maybe look where I'm going... but, hey, no one's going to be out in this area at this hour.

Whoa!

Okay, I was wrong, if the dude I just crashed into is any indicator. It takes me a second to realize I’m on the ground. The shock hits me after my brain absorbs the impact. It’s like I’ve run into a brick wall instead of a human being. I blurt some apology as I press two fingers to my tender nose. Not broken, just painful.

Finally I look up to see who I’ve clumsied myself into, and I’ve gotta say... I instantly regret seeing the huge group of equally huge guys towering above me.

"What are you doing here, squirt?" one of them asks. But despite the little nickname, he looks all but friendly. I think I found the type of character that guy was trying to warn me about earlier.

...Uh oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say "spot the FF cameo" but that wouldn't be a v fun game considering there's like, two characters with dialogue in this chapter.


	3. Riku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tough night gives way to a rough morning.

I'm too surprised by the group of guys that just popped out of nowhere to even stammer a response. It doesn't help that all the running I did earlier has left me heavy-feeling, sore, and short of breath-- not exactly prime fighting condition. All I can do is hope that they’ll just let me pass without wanting to start something we all know they’ll win.

"Well?" the “squirt” guy asks. "What are you doing here?" I squint a little to get a better look at him in the moonlight, but most of the details of his face are hard to make out. Only one thing’s for sure: he’s nowhere near as impatient as he sounds. His posture is relaxed, his arms crossed casually. Clearly, this guy's got all the time in the world.

He's biding his time... but to do what?

"Just passing through," is what I decide on, trying to sound confident as I stand back up and brush myself off. I just need to seem strong, even if it’s all I can do to stop myself from completely freaking out. I know from experience that some people are all talk, and little ways of showing you won't be pushed around makes them back off. I smile in a way that’s hopefully harmless as I shrug, preparing to pass, and---

_Augh!_

The guy sucker-punches me square in the jaw, sending me sprawling back to the ground. Okay, scratch that: this guy means business. I spare him a glance as I wipe my mouth, hoping for no blood, and the look he's giving me right now... it's hatred. The first wave of real panic grips at my chest. I don't know what I did to make him so mad!

The guy sends a look to another member of his gang, who looks grim as he moves to my left. It takes me a moment, for a second I let myself think that maybe they’re just sizing me up, trying to figure out if this is worth it, but no... they're surrounding me. I was completely wrong. The fact that I’m small isn’t phasing them at all... It might even be egging them on. Whatever’s about to happen... I don’t think there’s any getting out of it. I should be terrified but for some reason I'm just numb, like I'm going to wake up or they’re somehow just in my imagination. It’s just so unreal, I feel like I’m watching this all unfold from miles away.

The only thing for sure is that there's no way I can--no way I _would_ \--just run away now. 

I take the first opening I see, a brief moment where my soon-to-be attacker glances to the guy on my left, and jump to my feet. I slam my fist into his stomach, watching his smug face melt into some mixture of shock and pain I’m sure he’s seen on me two or three times now. But my sense of satisfaction fizzles before it can really take hold. 

I didn’t think he was holding back before, but his second blow is so intense I can’t believe my teeth are all still in place--and that’s just the start. There’s a third punch, and a fourth, and a fifth... I just do my best to stand my ground, to stay on my feet and guard myself, but it gets harder with every blow to my face, my stomach, my ribs. I don’t know why he decided that I’m his personal punching bag, I just know he’s striking too fast to block, and that any second he's gonna enlist all his cronies to close in and finish the job. I know how this works, I’ve lived it before but with guys my age, and a little closer to my size... So I need to think of something _right now_ , before it gets to the point where there’s so much pride attached they won’t stop until it’s done, until _I’m_ done.... 

Maybe it wasn’t a very good idea to give this guy a reason to hit me, maybe I shouldn’t have kicked him, maybe I should've laid low, but I'd rather go down fighting than running... Gah, there's got to be a way out... Act now, stupid! Before it's too late!

One strike hits me particularly hard and just like that I’m falling again, like I weigh nothing, like I’m disappearing. The yelp of surprise that escapes my mouth as I hit cold concrete is weak and tired, even to my own ears. I'm gone, fading, falling... how am I even still conscious? 

I look up one last time at the guy, their leader, and wince when I see he's holding a knife.

This is it. This is really it. I literally didn't last a day. I know I should be sad. I should be terrified. I’m not. I’m just disappointed in myself, mostly. And I feel like an idiot for thinking I could do this. 

Hurt and exhausted, I brace myself. It’s all I can do.

"Stop!" Somewhere behind me, an urgent, hoarse shout distracts my would-be killer. Is it from another one of them, or...? 

No... I don't think it is. Or else it wouldn’t be making them stop, right? Unless _that’s_ the leader and the guy pummeling me is just a warm up act.

As a stare blankly up, I realize that every last one of them has directed their attention to the other boy. I should take this opportunity to bolt, but I can only manage lifting my head slightly to see who found us. It's too painful to move more, and I’m trying as hard as I can just to stay awake. My possible friend is a vague mass of strange coloring and dark clothing, with silver-white hair and aqua eyes. Even through the pain and anticipation, I'm able to register that. Man... I must be hallucinating. I’ve never seen anything like him. 

"Why should we listen to you?" replies another member, taking a step back. The silver-haired boy wanders over, taking his time. I lay my sore head back on the ground. At this point, whatever happens is going to happen. 

From my limited field of vision, the boy swims back into view... and throws my attacker to the ground, away from me. Just like that. Like it’s nothing. Silver hair is outnumbered, and he’s smaller than them, and he’s _still_ kicking butt. Man. If only I were that strong, that _fast_ , I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

The gang seems to realize it isn’t worth it now that there’s a real fight on their hands and hurl obscenities--really nasty, horrible things--at Silver Hair before scattering. Just like that, there’s no trace of them. It’s like they were never here, like nothing ever broke the silence of this long, long night. But the blood flowing from my nose and my quickly-forming bruises beg to differ.

I don’t realize that the boy is still around until I hear footsteps. My stomach twists as the sound comes my way, and my heart pounds against by chest as I become the center of Silver Hair’s attention--or, what’s left of me, anyway. Any relief left over from when he first showed up is all but gone by the time he’s a foot away. For all I know, he never cared about saving me. For all I know, he was just looking for a fight. Maybe he wanted to finish me off himself. Whatever it is, I just hope it’s quick and relatively painless.

Silver Hair kneels at my side, hovering over me, and he’s close enough for me to see that his face is stony and focused. There’s no way I can even try to hold this guy off. If he decides to finish what those others started, I’m toast.

The terror that should probably have set in a long time ago catches up with me as Silver Hair reaches out, and I’m shaking and wheezing and weaker than ever when he places his hands on my shoulders. I’m expecting the worst. I don’t know what that will be, but I’m bracing myself for it. Man, I’m stupid. So stupid. And dead. Probably dead. 

He forces me into a sitting position and my first instinct is to jolt away from his light touch, but there isn’t much fight in me. The re-positioning hurts like hell, but the only thing I can do about it is let out a single protesting gasp: a pathetic, high-pitched, animal sound that I can’t even turn into a comprehensible syllable. Silver hair takes my chin in his gloved hand and all I can register is his voice telling me that I'll be okay before I black out completely.

 

I groggily come to some hours later. As everything that happened last night slowly starts to come back to me, I feel totally surreal, almost separate from my surroundings, the same way I did last night. I just try to squash down my new sense of terror, because that’s not gonna help me now. Some fight or flight instinct, huh? I just spaced and gave up. I _should_ be dead but more than anything, I’m glad I’m alive. I’ll probably never know why anyone would decide to beat on some kid they didn’t even know, but the new day makes it seem more like a distant dream than a living nightmare. My only reminder is the aching in my jaw, the dull, tight pain in my stomach, and the sting of scrapes on my arms and legs where I fell.

The sun hasn't risen yet but the sky is still a light, bright purplish color. The “up too early but school awaits” kind of color. That means that it’s probably somewhere around six in the morning... how long have I been out?

I roll over on my side--which hurts, but there you go--and the first thing I see is the boy from last night, sleeping on his side a few feet away. Huh, that’s weird... I thought he would have bolted for sure.

Silver stirs slowly, woken naturally as the sun crawls higher into the sky, and I can’t help but watch as he sits up, stretches, and runs his fingers lazily through his pin-straight, shoulder-length hair. From what I can tell, Silver's built strong but a little on the thin side, which makes what he did last night all the more impressive.

Our eyes meet and for some reason I can feel my face and neck getting warm. Oh man, I hope I'm not blushing. Nothing weird, it's just... he's really intense, and I wish he hadn’t caught me staring like some idiot. I break eye contact first, but I don’t turn away from him. Instead, he turns from _me_.

I force myself up, wincing all the way. I’ve never been so stiff in my entire life. I feel like I weigh a literal ton. 

“Err--hi!” I blurt out once I catch my breath a little. He regards me with a half-glance out of the corner of his eye, like he can’t really be bothered to give me his full attention. I don’t blame him. My greeting could've been a smooth introduction, but mostly it just sounded stupid.

"So, you're not dead," he says, just like that. It's a statement of fact, no emotion, no nothing. Bizarre.

"Nope! Thanks for staying with me for the night," I try next. _That_ one hurts, a shooting pain from my jaw all the way to the back of my head. All that, and he doesn't seem to care about my feeble attempts at communication.

"Sure.” He leaves it at that. Okay...

In the awkward silence that follows, I absently scratch at a sudden itch up near my collar bone. I’m startled to find that, instead of skin, my nails hit a thick, soft wad of something soft. While Silver’s not looking at me, I subtly try to survey the damage from last night, pulling at the front of my T-shirt until I can look down the neckhole. It’s gauze, clean and white but for a few specks of red. Then I let go of my shirt, really look at myself... And now this feels almost _too_ real: my right knee is bandaged, and suddenly I’m super conscious that my elbows are, too. Bandages are wrapped around a small section of my left bicep, and again from my right ankle almost all the way up the calf. I’m thinking it’s the falls that did it. I definitely feel skinned, and I look like someone’s half-hearted attempt at a Halloween mummy. But I wasn’t sliced or, well, stabbed or anything, so I guess I should just be thankful for that.

It’s funny... when I try to look back at what happened in detail, it's a blur. I hardly even remember the guy's face, but the damage he’s done is so clear.

"Did you help me after--" He nods once. Well, duh! Of course he helped me, who else is here? He must think I'm the stupidest thing on the planet. 'Hi'! Ugh, I'm such an idiot.

"I'm Sora." I introduce myself mostly for politeness’ sake, still trying to get the ball rolling. Silver Hair leans forward, drawing his knees a little closer to him, which provides him a place to set an elbow so he can prop his head up with one hand. He shakes out the back of his hair with the other. No eye contact, no acknowledgment until he finally speaks.

"...Okay?” Um, yeah. Okay. Guess being friendly isn’t his strong suit.

"And... what's your name?"

"Riku," he replies. An awkward silence follows. Or maybe it’s only awkward on my end. 

Again he glances at me from the corner of his eye. 

"How old are you, anyway?" he asks, finally taking some initiative. "Twelve?" My face drops. Is it because I’m short?

"I'm fourteen!" He doesn’t seem to pay attention to my indignant response. Seriously, man--why ask me a question if you don’t care about the answer?

"What are you even doing out here? You should be at home." You’d think those words would sound caring or worried, but it’s 100%, grade-A condescending shame coming from his mouth. What’s this guy’s problem?

"I'm running away," I reply, like it’s nothing. Screw him. His lips quirk almost like he wants to smile, but in the end all I get is a raised eyebrow.

"A kid like you?" I’m sure he’d sound amused if he could. I wonder if arrogance is an emotion, because that’s all I’m getting from him. Radiating in waves and waves.

"Well... how old are _you?_ "

"Fifteen,” he says. Wait, what? How does that work?

"You're calling _me_ a kid?” I ask incredulously. “You’re only a year older!" He finally turns to face me and I almost wish he hadn't. Cue blushing. I’m just amazed I don’t look away.

"Do you even know where you're going?"

"What do you mean?" I ask. I have no idea where he’s going with this... Is this his way of asking if I ended up in that alley on purpose? Does he think I’m some kind of idiot?

"Where are you going?" He states it excruciatingly slow. Yeah, he thinks I’m an idiot. Great. 

I stare up at the sky, now blue. Anything to avoid looking at his face. 

"...I don't really know,” I respond, less sure now. “I'm trying to--"

"You don't even know where you're going," he repeats. Man. He's all over me. He hardly speaks and I feel like I can’t get a word in edgewise.

"I--"

"You don't know where you're going, you don't know how to defend yourself...you should just go home before you end up dead." Thanks buddy, but I didn’t need the summary.

"I know how to defend myself," I mutter, face flaming again. 

"Well, you were doing a great job of it last night." As much as I want to slug him every time he opens his mouth, I guess he has a point. He’s not tactful, but he’s honest. I don’t feel bullied or anything, which is honestly a welcome change at this point. I guess my standards are pretty low.

"They caught me off guard. They were too fast, and there were a lot of them." Besides, I'm used to fighting off dumb football players in pairs or alone, not packs of 300 pound manimals. 

"Well, let's get moving," Silver Hair...I mean, Riku says, totally out of nowhere. My eyebrows shoot up.

"Both of us?"

"Yeah.”

"But I'm still hurt, don’t you think I should get some more rest?" I don’t care if I sound pathetic. I mean, I've been in fights and I’ve even been beaten up before but... it wasn't anything like this. There was no messing around with these guys. It wasn’t some show of their manliness. They were actually going to kill me... and I didn't stand a chance.

"If you walk and get moving, you'll feel better,” Riku says, standing and grabbing his bag from next to him. He casually slings it over a shoulder, and I stare for some reason as Riku pulls his hair out from beneath the strap. “If you just lie around all day, you’ll stiffen up and lose stamina. Now let's go. I bet those guys will be back soon enough and you're enough of a target as it is."

Pick your battles, Sora. Is it worth arguing with anything he’s just said?

"...Okay."

I'm kind of glad I'm not alone anymore, but how can I travel with a complete stranger who will barely even talk to me? I feel like somehow I ended up with two missions: one to find my dad, one to make this Riku guy tolerate me in the meantime. After all, we’re a team now.... I think.


	4. Small Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day with Riku doesn't go so well. Or maybe it does. Sora isn't very sure.

I've never heard the world so quiet or seen it so still in my entire life. 

My legs are aching and I'm tired of walking; tired from walking. The pain from my scrapes, bumps, and bruises has gone down a little, but I still feel like I just took a massive beating. Which, to be fair, I kinda did. Every step takes so much effort, it’s almost a victory just to take the next one.

I almost died. I survived by a coincidence. I can’t get that out of my head, like some twisted mantra.

And it’s all because of Riku, who hasn’t spoken a word to me since we started moving. 

Riku.... I think it’s already safe to say I’ve never met anybody like him, ever. He doesn't try to talk to me, I can hardly hear his footsteps when he walks, and he never gets tired! What's his angle? He's nothing like the guys at school, or even the guys from last night, who walk around with their chests puffed out, willing to pick on a smaller kid to make themselves feel good. I can’t get anything from him, can’t read him even a little bit, and I don’t know how to feel about that. Is he a puzzle I can put together, or a code I’ll never understand?

Our silence doesn’t make the time go by any faster, either. Even though it feels like it's been hours, only thirty minutes have passed since we first started walking. Well, I think that means it's time to try initiating a conversation again, since it’s clear he’s not gonna do it.

"Hey, uh... Riku, aren't you getting tired? You think we should stop for a little while?"

He just keeps walking. Didn't he hear me?

"We've hardly traveled," he says, just as I'm about to call for him again. "We need to wait until we're a little farther away. Then we can break and rest."

Great, but what's his definition of "a little farther"?

I try not to sigh loudly enough for him to hear. Okay, Sora. Let’s try to start off on the right foot with him. Anything that’ll make this easier.

 

It's at least an hour before he finally says we can take a break. As soon as I hear the magic words ("let's stop here"), I let myself collapse on the ground, savoring it like it’s the nicest, most comfortable bed in the world. My eyes seem to shut on their own. I don't hear another peep from Riku after that, and I find myself checking to make sure he's still here more often than I probably should. Every time I crack my eyelids open, squinting from the sun's not-quite-high-enough position, he's right there. And he's pacing. Pacing! I can't figure this guy out! 

I sit up, watching him, wondering if there's any strategy to what he's doing before realizing that's probably a dumb question. Of course there is! He's gotta know what he's doing, or else he wouldn't sound so sure of himself. I wonder how long he's been out here... a month? Six months? A year?

I shudder a little at my own thoughts. A year... I wasn't preparing for that long of a trip. I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment, but I know I can't go back home, either. So if that's what it takes... well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I guess.

"So, Riku," I say, wincing as I land on my leg a little wrong while adjusting my position. Thankfully I don’t gasp or cry out, I just sort of miss a beat a little. “Any idea where we are?"

"We're still within a couple of hours of their territory," he replies. "Really close. That's why we need to keep moving."

"You're kidding... how long has it been?"

"Not very."

I groan loudly, flopping back down on my back. I really feel like this crazy guy should... I don't know! Just let me sort of ease into all of this? Let me dip my toes into the water before pushing me out into the sea?

Riku finally settles down and sits against a slab of concrete a couple feet away from me. It occurs to me that this little wall probably divides this road into two, so we're essentially sitting in the middle of the street. I look down; dusty as it is, that's asphalt underneath us. I can't help but find it creepy, to be honest. I would bet that this place hasn't seen a car in at least a few days. It's crazy how fast we went from "little suburb" to "the middle of freaking nowhere" with no warning. If I'd have gone the other way, who knows? I'd probably be getting closer to the nearest city, instead of the nearest ghost town. And I wouldn't have met that gang. Or Riku... who doesn't seem to notice that I'm scooting up closer to him until I try giving our conversation another go.

"Err... Hey," I try again. Again he doesn't so much as acknowledge me. "So... what about you, Riku? Where are you headed?" 

Riku glances over--wow, instant discomfort. If something can be colder than ice, it's the look Riku's giving me. He doesn’t go out of his way to glare or anything, it’s just this subtle change in his eyes that I pick up on loud and clear. I don’t get the vibe that he’s dangerous or anything, he’s just... Anti-social, I guess. 

"I'm not 'headed' anywhere," he replies. "I go where I want, when I want. Maybe I’ll settle down if I find a place I like. But I’m not counting on it."

A thought hits me. But... no, I shouldn't go there. 

No, okay, I'm going there.

"So, you don't know where you're going, either. Then why were you giving me a hard time when I said I didn't know where I was going?" 

I wish I were better with words. That could have been really pointed, but I just come off sounding exactly like the dumb kid he probably thinks I am.

"Because only one of us ran straight into gang territory." Ouch. Okay, he has a point there... "Besides, I'm experienced. Unlike you, I actually know what I'm doing." He sort of cringes then, like he thinks he said something wrong. Okay, now I'm really intrigued. But before I even get the chance to ask: "Let's go," he says, standing and beginning to walk, leaving me staring after him and wondering what that was about. 

Once I realize how far ahead of me he's gotten I stand too, trailing after him. I hobble along as best as I can, finally almost side-by-side with him before realizing that I've forgotten to do something important.

"Oh hey, Riku! I think I forgot to thank you for saving me back there so... thanks. I don't want to know what would've happened if you hadn't been there." 

He doesn't even turn to look at me as he insists that it was nothing. But I think it was a lot more than that.

 

Later in the day we reach a few little stores, but not much else. I can't help but notice how old everything looks, especially compared to things back home. I bet half of these buildings haven't changed since they were built maybe eighty years ago. At least it isn't abandoned like the place I ended up in last night, although it is pretty empty. Everyone's cooped up for the night, I guess. And why not? The sun's gonna set in a couple of hours from the looks of it.

"Keep a low profile as we head into town. Don't talk to anyone. Don’t look at anyone." Ah, he speaks! Sort of.

"Why?"

"It's just better that way." That helps. For someone with so much experience, he sure doesn't like spreading the knowledge in a way that’s actually useful, does he?

"So what did you mean when you said you have experience?” I ask somewhat in response, thinking back to what he said earlier today. “I mean, you’re a runaway, too, right?” 

Riku stops dead in his tracks, but only for a second. Just enough to skip a beat. Huh. I bet that's not a good sign...

After a moment he turns to look at me, seeming a little unsure of what to say, unsure of what to make of me. This is the first time I've seen him anything other than aloof, and I’d almost like the change if it weren’t so completely bizarre. At any rate, it's short-lived: gone the second he opens his mouth. The answer he gives me is robotic, like the words have been in his head for a long time, waiting to come out for the person who finally asks. 

"Yeah. I ran away when I was almost fourteen. And this isn't the first time. I'm... I'm pretty practiced."

"Wait, so you've run away more than once? Why?" 

Riku's face hardens and he turns away, dismissing the entire subject with two sentences and the casual wave of his hand. 

"Look, it's not a big deal. Just forget I said anything."

Huh. Obviously, I struck a nerve. Okay, maybe if I just lay it all out, he'll warm up to me a little bit. Might as well let him know what I’m all about, right?

"Well, you can talk to me you know,” I tell him. “Seriously. I like listening, and I'm good at keeping secrets. We don’t have to just travel together. We can be friends." After getting an... underwhelming response from the Silver Haired One, I finish weakly with: "But if you don't want to, I mean... that's okay, too." 

"I don't want to," he says, this aggravating "you're an idiot" tone back to his voice. Okay, then... I try not to sound as wounded as I feel when tell him that it's fine. Man, what's his problem? He doesn't have to be like... like...

Well, like what? If some kid I'd never met before asked me to talk about my mom I probably wouldn't answer, so why do I take every little thing he does so personally? Besides, this is probably just a temporary thing. If we stick together, cool, but at the end of the day, I can always go off on my own--once I get my strength up, anyway. We don’t have to be friends. It’s nothing personal. Probably. I hope.

"You're lagging behind!" Riku snaps suddenly. I blush again, feeling like I've failed somehow, and try stay with his pace. I don't know why that set him off. He turns to look at me, haughty and sure of himself as he adds: "Bet you're just like every other spoiled little kid who tries to run away." 

I feel myself stand straighter at that comment.

...Spoiled, really? I'm sure you wouldn't have picked that word if you saw the shack I used to call a house, Riku. Still, I can almost ignore that, because I’m distracted by how cocky he sounds when he says it. I mean, there’s his usual... I dunno, disgust or something, but it’s almost playful, even though Riku looks like he hasn’t played in... well, ever. I’m just wondering if this is when we do that whole dominance assertion thing that guys do, because I don’t feel like playing that game. And I know I will if he does, which is the stupid part.

So, instead of correcting him, I give him a simple, “What do you mean?” He doesn't need to know that I was poor as dirt. I don’t need to make this any more awkward than it already is. I just need to lighten the mood. "So if I’m spoiled and just like everyone else... that must mean every kid gets to travel with a gorgeous, mysterious stranger? Is that what you’re saying?" 

Crap.

That was supposed to be a joke but as soon as I heard it out loud.... Augh, no! I can't imagine how that must have sounded to Riku. Why did I say that? Why did I think that would be funny? Why didn’t I think that would be weird and creepy? Now he’s going to think I meant something by that when I swear I didn’t! Okay, I guess he really is good-looking, but I'm not, I don't... I mean, anyone would...just, objectively, he's... 

Auugghh!

No wonder everyone at school thought I was gay. What's wrong with me...

Fortunately I must have really caught him off guard, so he doesn't seem to have a nasty retort on hand. The only acknowledgment I get is a strange look. What am I thinking, saying something like that? If I were back home, that would have gotten me hospitalized. I look at Riku like he’s different just because he isn’t a _complete_ jerk, but I can’t know that for sure.

"You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into," Riku eventually decides on. "You stumble around like you’re in the dark. You act like you can do whatever you want. Like nothing has consequences."

"Consequences?"

The look he gives me is so exasperated, it’s almost funny. I would definitely laugh if it weren’t aimed at me.

"Running head-on into gang territory for one thing." After that nice little thought, he changes the subject. Or maybe he's expanding on it, I can't tell. "Who have you told? About running away?" I stop in my tracks, indignant and offended. How naive does he think I am?

"I haven't told anyone!" My answer is harsher and much louder than I intended but jeez, he's treating me like I'm a complete kid!

"Does anyone know that you've run away yet?"

"There was this one guy I bought a map from yesterday, but I didn't tell him I ran away or anything. Do you think he'd..." my voice drops. "Do you think he figured it out on his own?"

"Couldn't tell you, Sora."

And that's the end of that.

A few more hours pass by with neither one of us speaking. At least it isn’t as quiet now as it was this morning, though. I’m finally starting to hear that familiar rumble of traffic, faint as it is. In the distance I hear sirens going off: an odd creature comfort. It’s proof of civilization, since civilization doesn’t seem to be anywhere around here. Empty roads and closed shops aren’t very welcoming. I’m not worried, though, which makes it all the more startling when Riku panics.

Without warning, he roughly grabs my arm and darts behind a small restaurant, yanking me along with him. Oh man that was the last thing I needed... I'm in so, so much pain before I remember how to move my legs. It still takes me a second to regain my footing enough to run with him.

"What was that for?" I hiss. God, that was startling! "Riku--!" 

"Quiet." With that, Riku becomes silent and still, alert, watching. His hand is still on my arm and after a moment he presses against me, pinning me against the old brick building, flattening us against it. I get over the shock, but not the confusion. I like how close he is, though, his body heat seeming to warm me from the inside out.

No, I can't start with this. I can't let myself think this way, I can’t do this. He’s just a guy, he’s a _guy_ , and I don’t know him, and I’m not going to. My hormones are running wild, I'm tired and frustrated, and Riku just happens to be the only person around. None of this means anything. Riku's so concentrated right now, I doubt he realizes he's even touching me. We are in a totally mutual non-relationship. That’s it. That’s all. It’s done.

"Did you think no one would notice you left?" he asks coldly, and despite his tone I’m glad he’s talking to me, tearing me away from these invasive thoughts I want nothing to do with. "You didn't think that someone would call the cops? You're a missing kid now. People will want to get you home. Remember that."

The shrill sound of the sirens pass, fading into the evening. That’s when Riku lets go of me, slowly, still seeming unsure.

He shakes his head in incredulity, looking me in the eye for the first time since last night, when he cradled my head in his hands. “ _Consequences_ ,” he repeats.

Well, crap. He’s right once again. I was so focused on the idea of my dad that I didn’t think about what would happen when my mom came home to an empty house, or what would happen when I didn’t show up to school on Monday... then Tuesday, then the rest of the week. Mom is probably going to send everyone short of a trained hit man to get me to come back. 

When she realizes I wasn’t kidnapped, she'll be furious... 

"It looks like they're just patrolling,” Riku says evenly, shoving his hands in his pockets and beginning to walk. I think he had to take a second to catch his breath, which is interesting. “They’re headed somewhere else... we're safe." I notice the 'we' and for some reason it's like a huge red flag to me. He clearly doesn’t feel any safer than I do out here. Even worse, I think that _he_ might think I’m putting him in jeopardy. I wonder... am I? If my mom really did call the police, if she came straight home from work and noticed I was gone and they found me... Would the police take Riku away, too? That just seems so unfair.

Will Mom even try that hard to get me back--or will she just move on, like she did when Dad left? It’s hard for me to say. But I do notice that Riku hasn’t once mentioned any family, even briefly. He can’t really be all alone, can he?

Riku... someone must be looking for you, too. From the sound of it, you've been out here for two years. I think about how badly I'm sure your parents, your friends, want you home and it physically hurts me. 

But then, I shouldn’t assume that he had it any better than I did. If Riku’s situation was anything like mine, he was smart to leave, and smart to do everything in his power to avoid getting caught.

But then, could the police really drag us back to our miserable homes? 

They couldn't, could they?

And what happened to Riku that made him leave, anyway? Was it that bad, to make him this jumpy at the prospect of maybe, possibly, being caught--or is it something else? Has he gotten into trouble? What if I’m all wrong and he isn’t running away from his family, but from the law?

"It's been a while since I've seen any police cars,” Riku says, sounding considerably calmer. “We must be moving toward people. A larger town, maybe a city. Do your parents come home right after work?"

"It’s just my mom, and I don’t think she’ll be too worried," I tell him, trying to keep up with his seemingly random topic changes. "I don't know where my dad is... he left us a few years ago and I'm trying to find him." 

I don’t know why I even started to think that Mom would miss me. She’ll be too drunk to notice, or too angry to act. After all, isn’t that why I left? To find someone who might actually care?

"So, you think your mom isn’t going to do anything?" Riku asks. Does he still think I'm some kind of spoiled child, running away on a whim?

"Well, yeah. She never talks to me anymore, except when she can yell at me over something, or to tell me I’m stupid. Or worthless. Or disappointing." For some reason, my voice catches in my throat, like I’m gonna cry. But I’m not. I guess I've never told this to anyone before. It sounds really, really bad out loud. But then, I guess it is really, really bad. Riku’s response is some vague, noncommittal sound, but it’s something. "So... why did you run away so long ago?" I ask, eager to shift the spotlight to him. “What are you looking for?” Riku doesn't seem very happy about the question. He doesn’t say anything but something about him sort of changes. He draws into himself or something, and gets real quiet. Quiet _er_. Yeah, I probably should have expected that. Can’t help hoping, though. It’s who I am.

Riku is still dead silent and a little tense-looking something like five minutes later. Starting to feel real awful about asking now... man, I just keep saying stupid things today...

"Look, I don't want to talk about my family," he finally says. “Some things are off limits, Sora.”

"Right," I reply, matching his somber tone. “I understand.”

A few more hours in silence pass as we walk side by side, avoiding even the smallest glances at each other.

I think I just made things even more awkward. All I can do now is hope that, eventually, something will break the tension between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess some of my word doc notes somehow made it in. Sorry about that, they should be gone now.


	5. The First Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sora's first week as a runaway is marked by sexual confusion, sleep deprivation, two traumatic incidents, and a whole lot of walking.

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. Now that the fear and excitement have worn off, I’m _bored_. I can’t believe how bored I am. At least Riku’s a steady presence, even if he isn’t a particularly friendly or talkative one. That means I’m stuck with no company but the sound of our footsteps and the constant chatter of my bored, wandering mind. 

No matter what I do, I can’t stop coming back to this afternoon, when we were pressed against that wall to hide from the police. I remember his seriousness, his stillness. The way he hesitated to leave our little hiding place, or even to let me go. 

But more than anything, I remember his body against mine. His warm breath against my ear. His face pressed into in my hair... Just the warmth of another human body so close, even though his hand on my arm was cool, like he’d just washed his hands in cold water.

And how it was all gone in an instant, like it'd never even happened.

I almost can't believe myself... I'm obsessing over what, two minutes of my entire life? But I just can't stop thinking about it, I just keep hoping that maybe he'll do it again and...

And...

And I'm acting like a crazy person, getting myself all riled up over nothing! Besides, what would I even do if I had the guts to approach Riku about this? Just saunter up to him and say "Oh, Riku, press me up against the wall!"? Yeah, I'm sure that'd go over real well. He really _would_ kill me then--or at least really regret saving me. I need to get my mind off him, for the sake of my sanity. 

What is he _doing_ to me?

 

The sky gets dark so gradually it takes the complete lack of light for me to register that my first real, fully-conscious day out here is over. My eyes aren't used to the blackness so I've kind of developed the tendency to just stick really close to Riku. A few times I bump into him or invade his personal space bubble--or something--so he speeds up or give me a light shove. I’m half-afraid of annoying him but, to be fair, I'm not used to wandering around at night with no flashlights or street lamps. You'd think the moon would be nice enough to come out at some point, but no dice.

"We should probably find some good place to get to sleep," says Riku. Thank goodness... I feel like I'm going to collapse. I'm just glad we're on the same wavelength for once.

Once we find a place that Riku deems decent, whatever that means, I’m more than ready to call it a night. I curl up on the ground and shove my lumpy backpack under my head, exhausted and sore beyond the point of caring about comfort. 

Riku settles about two feet away. He just lays down his head and goes to sleep just like that, and I can’t wait to follow. I've never wanted to sleep so badly. Still, my head is full of thoughts that make for the most vivid dreams I've ever had.

 

I wake up when the sun's rising in pretty good spirits. It’s a beautiful Sunday in May, and I’m well on my journey to find Dad. Some well-deserved, deep sleep definitely did me good, and I’m ready to meet the morning. I feel good about today, and the clear feeling in my head has helped me come to a battle plan.

Last night I had a dream about the ocean, which is kinda funny because I don’t know how to swim. I was underwater, but I could breathe just fine. Anyway, that must have jogged some sort of memory for me, because I feel like the best thing that Riku and I can do right now is head to the coast. When I was little, Dad used to tell me about how he grew up in a city right on the beach. He’d talk about how much he loved being there, how he thrived around all of the different people and cultures all together, how he practically lived at the beach every summer. He told me that the water was always warm--that would have to mean it’s in the west. Warm west. That was a mnemonic device we learned back in elementary school when learned about different parts of the country. What was it... The west coast had warm beaches, the north had snowy mountains, then something about farmlands and I don’t remember anything about the east. It all rhymed, too. 

Well, I guess what was important stuck.

Now... what was the place called? That's the only part that doesn't come back. But if I ever see it written down, I think I'll know. I wish my map were of a larger area, because one thing’s for sure: it’s nowhere near here.

I roll onto my side, not surprised to see that Riku's awake too--and from the looks of it, he's been up for a while. He's sitting, rifling through has bag, but I’m not sure what he’s looking for. He’s deep in thought, examining. Or maybe just incredibly lost in thought. I wonder what he's always thinking about? He _never_ initiates conversation. It’s always me. And fat lot of good that does.

I wonder if he thinks about me with the same sort of excited, tentative curiosity that I feel when I think about him. I sort of doubt it, though. Which reminds me, I had a dream with Riku in it, too! It was a really good one, but for...err, different reasons. Hormones are a weird thing.

I put a hand on Riku’s shoulder to get his attention. He shakes it off.

"Morning! What're you thinking about?" I ask.

"Why do you want to know?” he responds airily. “It’s none of your business.” Jeez... good morning, Riku. Sleep well?

"Fine, sorry," I reply, hoping I don’t sound as defensive as I feel.

"Don't. Just come on."

But he's up and already starting to walk before I even get a chance to respond. Don't I get a say in this? Ever?

"Now?" I ask uselessly. "Can’t we sleep in?" He shakes his head. It was worth a try, I guess. I hoist myself to my feet and trail behind him, talking the whole time. "Hey Riku, I had a really weird dream last night.” I know he probably doesn't care, but I feel like this is too important to keep to myself. This could change everything! "It sort of jogged my memory... I really think I know where my Dad is. I know exactly where I want to go!" 

"Really," he replies, and I think he’s humoring me. I stop, not intending to go on if he doesn’t care. At any rate, I'm not going to tell him about my more... uh, interesting dream. The one about him. Err-- us, I mean. I’m not even sure what to make of myself anymore-- what would _he_ think of me if he knew? And what does this mean for me? Is this a one-off thing that I won’t even remember in a week? Or am I really the exact insult that’s dogged me for the past three years?

"Riku?" I ask, intending to bring up something about the places he’s been to in all his years out here. But when he looks back at me, an eyebrow raised, I lose my trail of thought. I never used to get flustered, but the way he looks at me that really trips me up. It’s like I'm not even worth a second of his time. But then--suddenly I’m all butterflies and dumb thoughts, too, and I should feel affronted by him, but I don’t, and it’s all so stupid. "Never mind." 

Riku mutters something under his breath, something like a “really?”, and we just sort of completely ignore each other for what feels like hours. Maybe it's for the best. I need to pull myself together.

 

By Monday afternoon there’s been a definite shift in our surroundings, which is kinda neat! I feel farther from home than ever, even if I’m probably only a few miles away. At least I’m out of the suburbs, and into my second of what’ll probably be a series of rural towns. Still, it's kind of eerie. It's too wide and open to be as empty as it is. I almost wonder if, at one point, everywhere we’ve been has been sprawling and full of people, but it’s hard to imagine.

At least Riku's talking more; it isn't much, but it's progress. And when he does talk to me, he isn't as abrupt. Kind of.

In the end, I just try to count my blessings as best as I can. Between the two of us, there’s enough food to go around for a few days. It really hit me earlier in the morning that I hadn’t eaten almost at all since probably Friday--I was just too exhausted. I work through my snacks for the most part. One of my packs of pretzels can be easily stretched over an hour or so, and I can eat and walk at the same time. If I need more, Riku seems to have easy-open cans of tuna to spare. I try not to take too much from him, since I owe him enough as it is. But it’s still reassuring to know that he won’t let me starve if it really comes down to it.

During the day Riku gives me some water bottles and a spare toothbrush to hold onto, even though I already have one of my own. But it’s a nice gesture, even if he didn’t mean it to be nice, and I could always use the extra. In general, we do the best we can do stay clean. The weirdest part is going through the motions of brushing my teeth and hair, almost the same way I would at home, while I’m ready to embark on a long camping trip that I’m not totally sure will ever end. I haven’t asked about bathing yet, because I feel like Riku will give me grief if I do. Besides, when we have the means, he’ll tell me. At least that’s the one thing I can count on: he doesn’t keep the really important stuff all to himself. Also, I take the fact that his hair looks cleanish and he just smells like a normal guy to be a good thing. Every so often, I notice him pulling out a stick of some sort of fruity sugarless gum. Maybe it's to cope with the hunger, or maybe it's just to make him feel a little fresher, but either way, he’s got something figured out. It's good to see that his health seems to be just as important to him as surviving is.

As we take a short meal break, our second of the day, I find myself wondering if anyone even knows I'm gone. The kids at school could just think I’m sick or something. Donald and Goofy are either worried that I haven’t reached out, or they just think I’m super contagious. But mostly I wonder what my mom’s thinking. Or drinking.

Well, on that depressing note... 

Obsessing won’t change anything. I just need to focus one what’s going on here and now, and my goal. My future. 

I close my eyes for a moment, just a moment, and I don’t know if I doze or have some weird seizure or what, because I get this really vivid flash of some dream I had last night, another one, starring me, Riku, and a lot of touching. I jolt up, vaguely noticing that it gets Riku’s attention for a second or two, and I’m all awkward blushes again.

This has got to stop. I am losing my mind out here! I’m obsessing over him, this _guy_ , this guy I hardly know, who won’t speak to me, who doesn’t smile, who doesn’t even seem to like me, then turns around and changes my bandages, gives me food and water, and literally sweeps in and saves my life when he could have just walked the other way. 

How can one person make such little sense? How can _I_ have suddenly stopped making sense?

"Hey, Riku," I ask. I need to get this out while I have the guts. I have to get it out or else I’m gonna keep fixating on it, keep stressing that I’ll have some sort of tell and Riku will find me disgusting or beat the shit out of me. "This is kind of a random question. What do you think about guys... you know, liking other guys? I just. I dunno. I overheard someone talking about it at school and just. Err. Didn’t know that was a thing." He says nothing. Is he suspicious? Did I just give myself away? "Riku?" He shrugs his shoulders. At least he looks really casual about this, which is a good sign.

"I don't really care," Riku says. I don't understand. Is that a positive answer, or is dismissing me? “What made you ask that?”

I shrug, trying to play it cool.

“Oh, err... You know. No reason. I just thought about it for some reason.” Time for a topic change. Fast. “Hey, Riku.” 

He waits a little longer before asking, “What?”

“I want to go west. I think that’s where I’ll find my dad... In a city out west.” Finally he turns to look at me, his face blank, and he shrugs, like this means nothing to him.

“We can go west,” he says.

“Okay,” I respond, just as laid back, but feeling like there’s been a shift somehow.

 

By Tuesday, I'm not in very much pain from the scrapes or bruises anymore, and most of them are starting to clear up. Riku’s really been helping out--he’s got a lot of first aid equipment, and I feel like he’s been keeping an eye on my wounds better than I ever could. I got my bandages changed today, with his help of course, and it’s amazing how much of a difference that made. 

I’m walking for much longer periods of time without having to rest, so that's pretty good too. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Now, if only Riku would notice. And speaking of which...

"Riku," I ask. "Where are we now, do you know?" He keeps walking and doesn't reply. Great. "Are you listening to me?" He nods his head just subtly enough that I'm not totally sure I didn't imagine it. "...well, are you ever going to talk to me again?" Butterflies and weird dreams aside, Riku’s just annoying sometimes. Especially when he responds to my question with another vague shrug.

"Maybe?" he replies. Ugh, is he playing with me?

Nothing happens at all for the rest of the day, which is rough. I could use a little excitement to spice up all of this repetitive walking.

 

Wednesday, when we sleep, I try to get close to Riku without him realizing what I'm trying to do. We’ve moved into a space that’s less open, with more shops and fewer stretches of nothing but road and dead grass. It's way creepier out here than I would’ve expected, with these dark, empty buildings all around us. I don’t get it--I thought we were heading toward a bigger town, that this place wouldn’t stretch on for so long, but we’re still as isolated as ever. But at least tonight, I'm lucky enough to fall asleep before Riku does. It's less eerie, somehow, to feel like he's watching out for me. It’s like he’s got my back. Sometimes, I even think he does.

 

Thursday I start wide awake in the darkest, earliest hours of the morning. I roll onto my side, bunching my backpack and sweater underneath me for support, just thankful that most of my things are clothes. It doesn’t ease my hungry stomach, but at least it’s somewhat comfortable to sleep on. I watch the form next to me as my eyes adjust to the darkness and my ears adjust to the little sounds of rustling trees and creaking old buildings.

Riku's asleep, his skin pale under the dim starlight. He looks almost inhuman, somehow; there's a definite other-worldliness to him. Carefully, I nudge him a few times and he rolls over without waking. Now that he's facing me I can see his chest rising and falling when he breathes, which makes me feel a little better for some reason. He's not seeming so... uncanny, and I feel like I have actual company, that I'm not alone out here. 

He takes a deep breath and shifts the position of his head. A piece of hair falls over his face and I move to push it away, then draw away as if burned. I'd have so much explaining to do if he caught me it's not even funny.

As I resettle to try and catch a few more hours sleep, I realize that I can hear my own heartbeat and my stomach is fluttering--and I don’t think it’s from the risk of Riku being mad at me. 

I don’t think I’m confused. I think I’m starting to get it real bad for this guy. And the worst part is, I’m starting to be okay with what that means for me.

Thanks, heart. I do _not_ need this right now. 

 

The sun's setting, the day almost over, and that's when Riku actually says something of some gravity. I swear, no one can formulate a two-word sentence like he can.

"What's wrong with you?" Is what he asks, which is really surprising to say the least. I’m _bristling_ from the hypocrisy of it all. Seriously, what's wrong with me? What’s wrong with _me_? I’m not the quiet, moody robot that never needs a break! Ignoring my face and the strangled sound that escapes my throat, he continues. "You've been acting like some kind of sick animal since about two or three days ago." That seals it. He has literally _no idea_ know how I feel. 

Well, at least he knows something’s up. That’s more than I can say about most of the people in my life--my old life?-- and Riku hasn’t known me half as long as they did.

"I'm okay," I reply. "I, uh, haven't been getting much sleep... that's all." He nods, then stops and waits for me to catch up with him again. No snapping this time. There’s a step forward, I guess. Maybe he’s actually worried or something.

"Come on, it’s getting dark. We should get some sleep," he says. Boy oh boy.

We settle on a soft patch of grass spanning between two small buildings, the sky partially blocked from my view by the closer building’s dilapidated awning. For the second night in a row, I fall asleep before Riku and wake up after having strange dreams. I feel like this is going to be a thing now. If this happens again tomorrow, it’s definitely a pattern.

I slide in closer to Riku, still uncomfortable feeling so exposed out here, still feeling safer the nearer to him I am. After a moment of staring, I slide my hand next to his, almost touching, but not quite. I guess I just want to see how it feels, living in a world where I can like someone and they'll like me back.

Trying my luck, I close the gap, letting the sides of our hands brush together just slightly. I like it... this feels really natural. So much so that I wonder if he'll ever actually let me touch him. If he’d ever let me sling an arm over his shoulder or even hold his hand... I really miss touching. I miss being touched.

I’m lonely. And I’ve been lonely for a long time.

I sigh again and pull back before falling back asleep, still close enough that our bodies are almost touching. But not quite.

 

Friday, a week to the day since I left home, is marked by walking in silence. I have this strange feeling he's mad over something that I did, since he's been extra quiet and pretty much won't even look at me anymore. I mean, this started a few days ago but it just seems to go on and on. Sometimes it's like Riku's not even here. I mean, I fall behind and Riku doesn't even tell me to hurry up like he always does. He’s more like a shadow than a person. Is he coming down with something?

"Riku, are you okay?" I ask to no answer, so I try again. "Did I do something wrong?" Nothing, not even a nod.

Wait.

Okay, so I know I’ve entertained this before but... maybe he's avoiding me because he feels the same way! What if he’s just feeling as awkward about it as I have? How incredible would that be?

Ugh... Stop getting your hopes up, Sora. You can think that Riku likes you all you want, as many times as you want, but in the end... You know how this is gonna go.

 

I don’t get any sleep on Saturday. At this point, I'm waking up so often at night that I'm not at all afraid or confused anymore. My eyes don’t take as long to adjust to the darkness. I don’t wonder where I am for a split second before consciousness takes over. Hard to believe, but I’m getting used to being out here. Getting used to all these half-empty towns. Used to the silence.

Riku's out, but I’m not surprised. What's surprising is the sight of him sleeping on his back--usually he’s curled up on his side, clutching protectively onto his duffel bag. He turns his face, sending a stray strand of hair straight over his mouth, caught between his parted lips. It looks uncomfortable, and I’m afraid he’s gonna... I don’t know, inhale it or something. Riku looks out for me, so I figure this is how I can look out for him. Fair is fair. 

My fingers are still in contact with his hair when his eyes snap open and he snatches my wrist in a tight, painful grip, yanking me away. 

He was _awake_?

My startled heart is pounding as I try to figure out where to go next and I try to just panic and sweat my way to some sort of explanation. This must look so wrong to him. Damage control, damage control....

"Uh...oh, hey! You’re awake!" Ugh, that was weak--and now he's glaring at me. "...Riku?" Oh man. I’m dead. He’s gonna kill me. I’m so dead.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asks, voice dangerously low.

Well, at least he's talking to me now.

"I was--I just--your hair--was--I thought I’d just--” I’m laughing. This isn’t funny in the least, but I’m laughing. This is bad. This is extremely bad. “It’s really no big deal, Riku, right? I mean--"

"What do you think you're doing?" he asks again, impatiently.

"Riku..." What now? "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would bother you, I thought that--" _I thought that I was helping_ is what I’m trying to get out, but he doesn’t let me get there.

"You thought I was asleep, so you’d just..." his eyes narrow, “See what you could get away with?”

"No!" How could he think that?! Who does he think I am? What does he think I am? "No! Riku, just listen!" His grip on my wrist tightens to the point that it feels like the bone will snap. I grit my teeth, wincing hard. I really don't know what's wrong with him. How could something this small get him so upset? I wasn’t doing anything! 

“Have you done this before?”

I think back to a night where I brushed my hand against his, only for a moment. So, so lightly. My face flames; my heart almost stops.

”No,” I lie. “Never.”

He lets go but it isn’t gentle. It’s quick and abrupt, like he’s trying to throw my hand back to my side. My face--and stomach--drop as he re-settles far away from me, turning around. Great, I messed up. 

"Riku... I'm sorry..."

"Don't touch me."

"I'm _really sorry_ , Riku," I say again, biting down tears of utter exhaustion. "I didn't know."

Well, it’ll just be interesting to see how things change now that we’ve gone from uncomfortable to volcanic. If he didn’t particularly like or care about me before, he probably hates me now.

Great.

 

Some number of days later, I realize I don’t know what day it is anymore, or how long we’ve been out here. We're still in the nearly empty town. Or maybe it's a different nearly empty town. Point is, we're in a nearly empty town. Population: Slim to nill. 

Riku and I are virtually not talking anymore, and that’s exactly what I was hoping to avoid. I sort of feel like I'm going crazy. I've got this really weird feeling that's been hard to pinpoint, but the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking that this is what total isolation feels like. But then, I've always known that feeling, haven’t I.

I just try to keep my eye on the prize, but it’s so hard when I spend day in and day out in my own head, accompanied by someone I feel really strongly about. It makes everything seem _more_. I hurt more, I long more, I wish more. Is this all my fault? It’s not like I _have_ to keep fixating on him and endlessly wondering. It's not like I’m in love or anything. It’s only a stupid crush, and maybe if I try, I can just will it away. Maybe _that's_ what I should be working on, instead all of these dumb fantasies about him liking me back. I just feel so awful about what happened that night, when he freaked out because I touched him. I never meant to make him feel violated or whatever, and now I'm paying for it in spades. This tense, angry silence makes me wish for the kind of silence that he was subjecting me to before, which I could just pass off as Riku being lost in thought or just messing with me.

"Come on," says Riku, cutting a corner and heading in between a narrow space between two buildings. "I'm going this way." Oops, I guess I didn't realize how far I was trailing behind. I'm glad he spoke up. But then that opens all of these other questions... like, why doesn't he try to lose me if my presence seems to annoy him so much? Why does he keep me around? I don’t really offer him anything, and I know I’m slowing him down.

I hear sirens in the distance again as we shuffle, single-file, down this narrow little alleyway. This time it sounds like they're closer but I don't really think all that much of it. Probably an ambulance, or maybe the police are after someone for something minor a few miles back. A reckless driver or something. I've gotten used to it, even if it makes Riku jumpy. I’m more concentrated on getting out of this alley--it’s getting me all claustrophobic. 

I see Riku hesitate in stepping out, back into the road, as a second siren sounds. Okay, that's a little unnerving... there's never that much commotion around here, the population probably hasn't exceeded a thousand people for freaking miles. For once, I think Riku may kinda have reason to be cautious. If there’s someone dangerous on the loose, we need to be on guard. I just still don’t think this would be about us, but if we get caught along the way...

Riku grabs my arm painfully, I'm assuming unintentionally, and looks around for another place to go as the sirens get louder and the police cars come into view. Thing is, there's nowhere to run or hide where we are anymore. Everything's just out in the open, and if go back into that narrow passage, we’ll be way too slow to make a quick getaway if we really need to.

I almost forget how to breathe when I realize that the police cars aren’t going past us, they’re stopping. Two cars, one cop each. My heart plummets--that's one for me, and one for Riku. Riku's face goes white, I swear to god, his eyes blazing. He rapidly scans the area, taking unconscious steps back from the car, trance-like. I feel like I'm in a dream myself, none of this even feels real, which is why I think I'm not panicking yet... 

Then I hear my mom shout my name.

That guy in the store, when he was on the phone... I knew he was reporting me! I'm breathing harder as I see her step out of the back of the car to my left, helped by a young male officer, and I can feel my whole body tensing up like it's going to run off whether I want it to or not. 

Then Donald and Goofy follow.

Okaay... why are they here? Did Mom make them come along to convince me to come back? I wouldn't put it past her. She’s good at the emotional manipulation stuff.

I glance back; Riku looks like he's going to bolt any minute. I just hope and pray he doesn't go anywhere without me.

"Sora!" Goofy calls as he and Donald run to me. "What’re you doing out here?"

I start to explain myself but only get a few words out before stopping. Why should they know? It's my life. I don't owe anyone an answer, I did what I had to do. 

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask instead.

"To knock some sense into you!" says Donald. His anger isn't all that convincing. He looks kind of relieved... weird.

"Go away!" I shout. It comes out hoarse and choked and they totally stop. I've never been like this, so ridiculously emotional. Not in front of them, at least. Suddenly, I’m ashamed of myself. What am I doing... they don't deserve this kind of reaction from me.

"We’re not goin’ anywhere without you," Goofy says decisively after a short delay. He glances over to his side for a moment, which I think nothing of until he asks, "Who's your friend?" And wow, how do I even begin to explain Riku? Looking incredulous, Donald mutters something about how it isn't the time for this, and I mutter that it's none of their business anyway.

"What are you doing?" Donald asks louder, aiming the question at me but glaring at Riku for some reason.

"Why do you care?"

"You don't sound like yourself! What happened to you?"

"What do you mean? And why do you keep looking over at Riku like that?”

"We all saw him try and run off with you!"

I really don't like what Donald's implying here. It's not like he's kidnapping me or something. 

"He's a good guy,” I bark, ridiculously on edge. “He’s helping me--" Donald's quick to cut me off. 

"That’s not the point! You have to come home. You can’t just stay out here."

"Yes I can. And that's what I'm going to do."

I am _not_ happy when I see Mom break away from one of the cops talking to her to start walking over. The only thing worse than having to argue with my best friends about this is having to argue with my mom about this. Here we go...

Mom’s got this fierce look to her when she reaches me, and I catch Donald and Goofy backing away, giving the two of us a little space. I can barely look her in the eye, but I have to stay strong.

"What do you think you’re doing?" she snarls. “I was worried sick about you. I thought you were kidnapped. I thought you were dead! And then I hear something about--about you running _away_? Even you aren’t stupid enough to do a thing like that.” She shoots a sneering glare toward Riku. "Honey, did he--that _thing_ \--make you follow him?"

" _What_? No! I left because I wanted to. No one else had anything to do with this. What is _with_ you guys?" Do they all really think that I have no mind of my own and have to be coerced into staying out here? That I didn't leave on my own? That I would be dumb enough to trust an obvious criminal? How much more badly can they think of me--or Riku, for that matter?

Mom, apparently, disagrees with me. 

"Not my son," she says, kneeling and taking my hands. God, why does she do this... Why does it almost, almost work... "My son wouldn't do this to me. Not my little boy."

"I did," I tell her firmly, pulling away with all my might, letting my hands slip out of her grasp. God, Riku seems so far away all the sudden... I have to get to him. We _have_ to get away. 

I turn fast, only to whirl back, almost losing my balance again-- Mom grabbed my arm right before I took off, and this time it _hurts_. She means business. 

"When we get home you are in huge trouble," she snaps, just loud enough for me to hear. “How dare you do this to me.” Right, how dare I do this to her. She doesn’t care why I left. She doesn’t care what I’m feeling. Man, if I had a dollar for every time she's said something like that... Why do I disappoint her, why do I drive her to do the awful things she does... but this time, I finally have the courage to stand up to her.

"I'm not coming home."

The glare she gives me is intense. I’ve never seen anything like it.

"Of course you are."

"I'm not coming home!" I repeat, returning the look the best I can. I don’t think it has the intended effect, because her own look softens into something unbearably condescending.

"You’re coming home. Even if you're not in one piece. Even if I have to drag you back kicking and screaming. Do you understand me?" I hate this. God I hate this. "You are not going back out there. I’m not about to let my defenseless little boy go off into the unknown. Look at you.” She pulls at one of my bandages, almost yanking it off entirely. “You’re already hurt. And look at the company you’re keeping.” My heart is in my throat. I cannot believe she’s still trying to drag Riku into this. “Filthy and starving and probably addicted to something or riddled with disease. Is that really how you want to end up?” Nice try, Mom. Shows what you know. 

"I could do worse than to end up like Riku," I tell her, really trying not to yell again. Something about this whole situation feels ridiculous. I'm surrounded by police in the middle of nowhere trying to defend my crush to my mom. "He’s not an addict. He isn’t diseased. Neither am I. I’m fine. I’m better than I’ve been in a long time."

“Don’t say that.” She looks me in the eye, and I notice that her eyes are wet. It’s almost like she’s actually sad, but I know better. “Sora--sweetie--you will never last out here. You need me. You need to come home.”

A cop pulls her aside; a perfect distraction. Now’s the perfect time to make a getaway. But first.... Donald and Goofy deserve some honest answers. Just in case I never see them again. I swallow past a lump in my throat.

"Sora," Goofy says lightly. "You should come on home. I'm sure your friend is fine, and you’re fine, we just don't want you out here." I don't think I've ever really seen him so... serious. This is just weird.

"I'm sorry guys," I say earnestly. "I just can't go back. I can't be around Mom anymore, I can’t go back to school... and Riku..." I really do have to catch myself from crying now. Ugh, not good.

"Isn't there any other way?" Donald asks. First I think he actually wants an answer, then I realize that he just voiced everything that all three of us are thinking in one sentence. He sighs in irritation. Okay, there's the Donald I know. "You're so stubborn. Just be safe, okay?"

I can't believe they're actually supporting me. They want me to be happy, even if I'm doing something selfish to get there. They really are my best friends...

I turn around to look at Riku, who is five seconds away from gone.

"Bye, guys. I'll miss you." 

As I bolt, joining Riku once again, I just hope that these aren’t the last words I’ll ever say to them.

 

I don’t think the police follow us as we make our escape. I hope made it clear enough that I left because I wanted to. All I can do is hope there's nothing that can be done at this point. I still don’t know if we can be dragged away against our will, but then, the police could’ve gotten much more involved, couldn’t they?

Still, there was something about the way that Riku was acting that just wasn’t right, and it’s something that’s just been bugging me for the longest time. Riku’s reaction to the police was beyond nerves or fear--it was absolute terror. He should have left the second it became clear that all the commotion was about me, but I think he totally froze.

Riku and I finally stop running once he finds a little area so hidden that no one could find us if they tried. We’re surrounded by cardboard boxes on all sides, for one thing, and it’s dark but for the moon. I don't know how long we were running for. 

Riku sits away from me, curled up, with his legs against his chest and his arms around his legs, head resting on his knees. More than a little pathetic. I can’t decide if it’s comforting or scary to see that Riku’s reacting as poorly to today’s confrontation as I am. I'm scared and jittery but I'm also so exhausted that I want to sleep for a thousand years, starting right now. I could sleep for days. Riku looks like he’ll never sleep again. I don’t get it. 

When I put my hand on his shoulder, Riku jumps and looks up at me, eyes wild.

He's shaking... I can't tell if it's because of what happened or if it's because of the cold breeze that just now kicked up.

"Riku," I say as calmly and seriously as I can. "You need to talk to me. You need to tell me why you ran away. We can't be like this."

He slowly looks up at me and for once his harsh exterior flickers and fades, the walls crumble, the ice to his entire personality seemingly replaced with something pure and vulnerable. He reminds me of a little kid, talking to a stranger.


	6. Nostophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nostophobia: The morbid fear of returning home; thought to be the opposite of nostalgia. [G. nostos, return, homecoming, + phobos, fear].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning--One anti-gay slur. Two instances of consent issues in this chapter, but no violence/assault/manipulation/force.

“Tell me.”

Riku stares up at me, eyes still wide, shining, and fixed. He reminds me of a startled cat, the way he doesn’t budge an inch. He just watches me, tense and alert and a little lost-looking. When he can finally make something come out of his mouth, it’s not very comprehensible--just bits and pieces of thousands of thoughts I’m sure are flying around in his head all at once. I can relate.

"I--Sora--c--I--" 

"Everything," I tell him firmly.

For a moment I almost think he'll protest but it's clear that he doesn't want to fight me for once. I have the upper hand here, somehow, and we both know it.

"Everything," he repeats. Then, he's quiet. He's quiet for a long time. It's like he's locked himself away, and it's probably the scariest thing I've ever seen. I want to reach out and touch him, but I don't think he'll even have the strength to yell at me if I do. This shook him. Tonight shook him to his core, and it isn't over yet. I'm sorry Riku, but this has to be done sooner or later. Might as well get it out of the way now.

I take a seat across from him, my legs folded in front of me, as he sits curled up in total silence. The ground is cold. This little secluded corner has probably been in the shade all day and never got the chance to warm up. It doesn’t help that a breeze kicked up as soon as the sun went down, and although it’s gentle it’s also just cool enough that I have to zip up my jacket and wrap my arms around myself. Riku doesn’t seem to notice, even as his hair whips around, tickling his face. I wonder if he can even feel anything or if he’s just numb. 

Maybe this isn’t worth it. Maybe I should just see if he’s capable of deciding whether we should hit the hay or keep moving.

I'm almost ready to call it a night when he finally decides to speak.

“I left when I was thirteen. From my hometown. I’d just... I’d been passed around between family members for so long, and I couldn’t settle in anywhere...” Riku buries his head in his hands. If he cries, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Luckily, he doesn’t. He takes a breath--heavy, weary, but steady--and drops his hands. He looks distraught.

“I grew up in small towns. First with my grandparents until I was five, and again when my aunt took me in even though she wanted nothing to do with me, and again when I finally lived with my parents when I was nine. That was the first time I ran away from home... when I was nine and had to get away from her. I brought food and warm clothes and hopped on a bus, just... Hoping it would take me to where I needed to go. It wasn’t the first time I was on my own. There was a time between my grandparents dying and my aunt coming to take me in that I can’t remember. But taking care of myself just comes naturally to me. I’ve done it my whole life. I’m more suited out here. It’s better this way.”

“Riku...” I start, but drop it. I have nothing to say. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to make this easier on him, except be here to listen. 

“My aunt disliked me and ignored me and tried to control and indoctrinate me, but I could handle it because I wasn’t hers. I ran away because I hoped for something better. I thought if I could just find my parents, if I could just find out why they didn’t take me back after my grandparents went away, that things would be fixed and I could find something normal. But my dad was an angry drunk, and didn’t talk to me much otherwise. He wasn’t interested in being a parent. My mom and I got along better, but she was too sick to do anything about him.” Riku pauses there, hesitating. “Mentally,” he clarifies, finally. “She didn’t go outside. She wasn’t in the position to help.” Gently, I reach out, brushing my fingers against his shoulder, but he shakes me off. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that’s a good sign. The stubborn, fire-and-ice Riku that I’m so well acquainted with is still in there. “The last time I ran away... The reason why I’m out here now... I was suffocating. I couldn’t live feeling imprisoned in my father’s house, and at a school where I was hated in a town where I clearly didn’t belong. So I left, and I ran straight into a gang... And they took me in. They were willing to make me one of them, but I wouldn’t do it. Being one of them meant staying in one place and living under someone else’s rules again. Having to worry about stepping out of line. That’s not what I’m looking for. From anyone.” Riku squeezes his eyes shut, deep in some painful memory. “Our paths cross a lot, even now. The last time was when I chased them away from you. Sometimes I think they’ve started to follow me, but I don’t know what they want.” 

That’s a blow to the stomach. Of everybody in the world... He almost got caught up with the guys who tried to kill me for sport. I can’t imagine it, I can’t picture them together in my head. Riku isn’t like that. He lacks the hatred in his eyes that I saw in the leader that night, the look that I still see sometimes in my dreams when I’m having a bad night.

“I’ve struggled and fought to get where I am, every minute of every day for fifteen years. It’s all finally paid off. I’m free now. If I get caught by the police, and they take me back there, just like that...” Riku shakes his head again, looking more distant than ever. "They can't take me back there. I don't know what I would do."

"Riku..." I start, but there’s no end to that sentence. I can't help him, I know that. But I want to help, more than anything. I just want to take all of his pain and stress and make it go away for good, I want him to know that he’s going to be okay, that he’s not alone. But no amount of reassurance from me will change anything. And here he is, looking up at me, expecting me to speak. I got what I asked for. Now what? "I am so sorry. If I had known..." 

If I had known, I still wouldn't have been able to help. I still couldn’t have prevented today from happening. I don't know what to do, now that he’s told me this, and this complete powerlessness on my part is the worst thing in the world. I just want to be there for him, but I don’t think it’ll be as easy as that. I don’t know if Riku will even let me support or help him. On the other hand... This is the first time he’s ever confided in me. Maybe this can be a turning point for us, a sign that things can change and he can finally trust me the way I know I can trust him. The thought sends a little spark of excitement through me, a weird release of butterflies in my stomach when my heart is still so sad and my nerves are shot.

I’m not sure when I moved closer to Riku. Maybe it was when the breeze turned from mildly cool to outright cold, or maybe when Riku’s face crumpled as he talked about returning home as if he were just going to lose it completely.

This has moved beyond the beginnings of trust... We’re having a moment. This is a moment, and it’s up to me to put us in the right direction. 

Gently, I place a hand on his cheek. His skin is soft over the hard bone that I probably shouldn’t be able to feel so prominently. He lurches back a little, probably more out of instinct than anything, but doesn't otherwise push me away. Gathering all my courage, I lean forward, brushing my lips against his. He pulls away in shock, staring at me with wide eyes at our kiss. Or, our non-kiss. That light touch could’ve been an accident. I could’ve just slipped. But it wasn’t an accident. In a lifetime of feeling unwanted, Riku needs to know how much _I_ want him. 

I sort of come to my senses all at once, and my butterflies drop dead once I realize what this could mean, if I’m totally wrong here and Riku isn’t into guys. Isn’t into _me_. I wait for him to yell at me, to tell me I'm disgusting, queer, to never touch him, to leave and never come back... but he doesn't. He’s sitting a little more naturally, still staring, but he hasn’t moved away.

Well, okay... maybe I was right the first time.

I shift onto my legs, moving closer to him. Our knees are almost touching, and he’s not even trying to back away. He’s just taking it, and that can only be good, right? He’s definitely clear when I do something he doesn’t like. I lean over to touch my lips to his a little more firmly, aiming for a true, deep kiss. I sling my arms over his shoulders, wanting so badly to embrace him, but the way we’re sitting won’t really allow for it. Still, I can live with this, because I wasn’t expecting this to feel so incredibly _right_. When our lips part, Riku opens his mouth. No sound comes out, so I do what I figure comes next and swipe in my tongue. He tastes good; it must be the gum that I see him pull out every so often. I put my hand on his chest for balance, wanting to get closer, and that's when he pulls away.

"Sora?" he gasps, gripping my shoulder and falling back on his heels. By the time he’s sitting back, his arm is locked at the elbow. Everything becomes painfully clear: he doesn’t want me to come any closer. 

Humiliation threatens to swallow me whole. I feel like my throat is closing, swelling sorely the way it does after a really bad crying spell. I misinterpreted _everything_ \--and I’ve never felt worse. He’s going to hate me... If he didn’t already.

"I'm so sorry!" I reply, starting to panic. My voice waivers, like I’m going to burst into tears. "I just thought... we were so close and you didn't pull away and--" 

I push his hand down, lunging forward as if I’m afraid he’ll escape. I take his face in my hands, trying desperately to explain myself, but he grabs my wrists and throws me to the ground. I’m just lucky I don’t land on my shoulder in a way that could cause any injuries. Heck, I’m lucky I don’t land straight on any of my scrapes or bruises.

"I told you not to touch me!" He stands, towering over me while I just try and push myself back up off the ground. Ugh, I should have known this was coming. I’m such an idiot. I am so, so stupid. “You said it wouldn’t happen again, Sora!”

"I'm sorry!" I repeat, scrambling to get back to my feet. "I meant it, I didn’t think... I didn’t mean..."

"You really shouldn't have done that," he snarls, turning to leave. 

My heart plummets, sending my stomach with it. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done... I thought I was giving him something he needed, but I was giving him the last thing he wanted. Ugh... _I_ wanted this. More than anything. I had my chance to make things right between us, and I just totally blew it. He’ll never like me now. I doubt he even wants me to tag along this time. It’s over. 

"Well?" he snaps. "You're slowing me down!" Okay... I guess I am supposed to come. That's weird, but I'm not complaining. I run to catch up but it's really hard to stay with his pace, he's walking so fast.

"Riku," I ask. "Could you just slow down for a second?"

"Could you walk a little faster?"

"I said I was sorry!" I don’t know what he wants me to do! I thought that maybe if he opened up to me, we'd have some sort of understanding of each other, but he’s determined to shut himself away. He’s not going to accept my apology. He’s not going to even try to see where I’m coming from. Fine. But I am _not_ letting him go back to treating me like a stranger. "What more do you want from me? Come on, just tell me what you want! I can’t read your mind." Maddeningly, he says nothing. “Quit ignoring me!” I bark. “That’s all you do, and I'm sick of it!” 

For some reason, this makes him stop mid-step. He’s hardly imposing anymore, standing weakly, head down, in the darkness. 

"Look, I don't try to do this," he says. Er... okay.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Like the way I am now. I know. I’ve--"

"No," I interrupt, suddenly regretting causing a scene now. Of course he's mad at me, and he's probably feeling really freaking traumatized, too. Way to be insensitive, Sora. You're on a roll today. "Don't say it. You're perfect, okay? You're fine. We’re fine, and it’s all good."

"You talk too much," is his weak retort. That's when I notice it. He doesn’t just look nervous and shaken. He looks absolutely exhausted. The bags under his eyes, the ashen tone to his skin... When did that happen? Maybe it’s just the way he looks in the dim moonlight...

"Hey, do you need to rest? Maybe you should sit down..."

"I'm fine. Let’s just keep walking." 

"No," I press. "You should really take a break." He glares at me at first, ready to put up an obligatory fight, but ends up submitting with a sheepish nod. He ends up curling against the back of a building and up falling asleep without another word, and I'm not far behind. I'm so ready for this day to be over.

 

For the second time since I left home, I wake up feeling surreal and dreamlike. Did yesterday really happen? Did my mom actually try to get me back home... With police backup? Did she really have the nerve to bring the only two people in the world who could convince me to come back, my best friends, who then basically told me I was doing the right thing? 

Did I really kiss Riku? I hope I dreamt that. I know I didn’t, but... I still really, really hope that that was just a bad dream. And the things he told me... Man. I can’t even imagine. Losing my dad hurt enough, and my mom is awful to be around about ninety percent of the time. But at least she still wanted me. Riku’s spend his whole life moving around, like he’s the center of some big familial game of hot potato. No wonder he’s scared to go back... He doesn’t have a safe space in the entire world. I have my dad. I can’t forget that. I know he’ll be happy to see me.

If he isn’t... 

No. I can’t think like that. Riku, come on. Wake up. Tell me it’s time to go. I need the distraction.

 

Riku sleeps in later than usual, which is really strange considering everything that’s happened. And not just by a little, either. I've been up for at least an hour on my own, and it’s making me anxious. I actually really want to get a move on. I don’t feel so... Untouchable anymore. Now I know my mom cares, and instead of reassuring it's terrifying.

"Hey," I whisper after a few more minutes. Might as well get him up. "Riku, wake up." He doesn't respond so I shake him a little, just praying that this doesn’t count as unwanted touching. "Wake up." Groaning in annoyance, Riku stirs. Nope, it wasn’t the moonlight: he looks just as terrible as he did last night. And the fact that he has to lay back down almost immediately after sitting up just confirms my theory that something here isn't right.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Fine," he grumbles, of course. Why would I expect anything more? Why do I ever expect him to be honest without me having to force it?

"Riku? Do you want to just sit for a while?" To my surprise, he nods and rolls on his other side and falls back asleep. I was expecting him to put up more of a fight... Huh. That’s not good.

 

I nap off and on for about an hour until Riku wakes up, this time on his own. He looks a little better, but still not very good. "Tired" and "rattled" are officially ruled out. He's definitely coming down with something. It’s almost painful watching up use all his power just to push his upper body off the ground, then struggle to his feet. He staggers, trying to maintain his balance, but somehow his total lack of strength doesn’t stop him from moving forward.

"Come on, let's go," he says, which is something, but it's done so quietly I almost miss it.

 

After an hour and a half, we've hardly gotten anywhere. Riku is really barely hobbling along, and I find myself hanging back on purpose, just to keep an eye on him. And yet he still refuses to hear me when I tell him he may not be totally well. Who does he think he's kidding? 

Then, something terrible strikes me. What if there's something really wrong with him? What if he needs medicine? What if I can't help him?

My thoughts are interrupted as I hear an odd thump and nearly trip over Riku, his body a crumpled heap on the ground below.


	7. The Flu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sora's forced to fend for himself while Riku is sick with the stomach flu.

"Riku!" I shout, kneeling down next to him and shaking him lightly, enough to hopefully rouse but not hurt him. "Are you all right?" Luckily he’s not unconscious. His eyes are open a sliver, his breathing is a little quicker than usual, and he does seem to be somewhat in control of his body. 

Slowly, he begins to push himself up. He shakes and sweats and it’s just awful... it looks like it’s taking all of his effort just to get off the ground. Well, I guess he just answered my question, then. "Don’t,” I plead, reaching out to support him but stopping, leaving my hands awkwardly hovering above him. “Just lay down for a while." Even in this state he finds the strength to shoot me a dirty look, but I ignore it. He can be mad at me _after_ we figure out what’s wrong. "Maybe we shouldn't travel today." His response is about what I expect it to be at this point: a slow shake of his head and another attempt to get to his feet, which instead ends in him moving away from me like the stubborn weirdo he is. I move toward him slowly, like I’m approaching a caged animal, but he holds out his hand, signaling me to stop. “Riku?” 

That’s when the coughing starts, and it’s painful to hear--dry and deep and hacking. It’s followed by an even worse, completely unmistakable sound... He just threw up.

Oh no.

Oh _no_!

This is bad. This is really, really bad. And kinda gross. But mostly bad.

I can’t panic, though. And I can’t second guess myself. Riku needs someone to look out for him, and I’m totally up for the task. I already know what my first move is gonna be. I leave him to do his thing, backtracking for a couple minutes until I get back to our little hiding place from last night, and grab a small cardboard box from the top of a pile so Riku can use it if he needs it. It’s not great, but better in here than all over the ground.

It’s easy to spot Riku again, this light-and-dark figure on the ground, still curled up in the same place I left him. I set the box gingerly next to his head as he lays shivering, then step back to give him some space. He’s gonna need it.

"Hey Riku...” My voice is about an octave too high. “Just take it easy, okay?" Of course he shakes his head, but I don’t think that now would be the best time to grill him for being stubborn. At least he feels well enough to argue with me, and that’s something. It’s probably all he can do to maintain his dignity after everything that’s gone down, first yesterday and now today. So I back off until it looks like he's starting to drift to sleep. Yeah, that didn’t take long. I didn’t think it would, not with him in that sorry state.

While he sleeps, I take the two water bottles from my backpack and set them both next to the box. He'll get dehydrated fast like this, and I need to make sure that he doesn’t get any sicker than he already is. As for me... I can deal for now.

I settle a few feet away, observing, not sure what else to do for now. Of course I want to do absolutely everything in my power to make him feel better, but I’ve really messed things up between us. The last thing I want is for him to think I’m being overbearing, or... I don’t even know. Judging from the way he freaked out a few nights ago when I touched him, he thinks I want something from him--I’m not totally sure what. I just know that me being an idiot and kissing him didn’t exactly prove him wrong. But I don’t want to ditch him if he needs help taking care of himself, either. I guess the best thing I can do now is leave this choice in his hands.

"Hey, do you want me to stay or leave?" I ask gently, bracing myself for his answer. He shakes his head. Okay, so... That wasn’t a yes or no question. "So... you want me to leave?

He unmistakably reaches for me. Though quiet and tired, his words are clear: "Don’t go."

That's enough to turn my mood around and I'm grinning wide as I respond, "Yeah. Always." He looks at me strangely for a second, then falls asleep. I guess that _was_ kind of a weird thing to say.

Well, I guess that kills any and all plans for moving on we would've had for today. Since Riku’s out like a light, I think I'll take advantage of this and rest up, myself. 

 

I don't know how long it's been, but I do know that when I wake up from my nap, Riku's still out and I'm starting to get hungry. Too bad Riku's the one with all the decent food... I finished my last bag of pretzels some time ago, but I have some bags of cookies to tide me over for now. I don't want to bug him about eating when he's sick, and there's no way I'm going to go rooting through his bag to find something to munch on. Maybe when he’s better I'll ask if I can carry some food too, just in case something like this happens again, but for now I don't know how he's rationing, so I'm not messing with it. And it sucks that he's losing the little food we have to eat out here like this. I just hope he’s a little better sometime tonight.

I sit up with my backpack in my lap, staring at Riku for any signs of change or trouble. My eyes dart all around us, but there are no people around. I listen carefully, over-analyzing anything I think might be unnatural. Like a siren. Which is pointless, because even if Riku and I are found, even if the police keep looking for us, if they haven’t quit or given up... what on earth can I do, jittery and tired with a partner (or something) too sick to even move? What will all of this stressing and anticipating do but drive me totally nuts?

I don’t like this at all.

That’s why I gotta refocus. Right now, Riku’s health is the only thing I should be fixating on.

The sun floats higher in the sky, and I try to keep both of us cool as best as I can by sitting close to Riku, letting my shadow fall over him while I pile my jacket on top of my head. Seventy-five degrees isn’t that hot until the sun beats on your head for a half hour straight. 

I breathe slowly, absorbing the silence. After all the chaos from yesterday evening, the stillness is more than nice. I feel like I should be itching to leave, but more than anything I just feel like I need to think and reevaluate everything. 

I think Mom really is afraid for me, she just doesn’t know how to show it in a way that’s not insulting. I don’t hate her. I don’t even think I’m mad at her. But I’m not sorry I left. I don’t regret not being at school, having to make myself _less_ to get through the day in one piece. Less loud, less noticeable, less me. Out here I’m finding out who I am, and, miraculously, I can do it in a place with no judgment. Riku, for all his huffs and glares, doesn’t really seem to care much about what I do so long as it doesn’t impact him in any way. It’s not a perfect arrangement, but it’s better than getting death threats for looking at the wrong person the wrong way. 

Riku... What a mystery. He opened up to me last night, but I still don’t have a handle on who he is. I replay last night in my head over and over again. Riku’s fear. His grandparents, dead. His aunt, unloving. He said he was hated at school; I wonder if he was bullied and beaten or just isolated. 

And his parents... His dad was an alcoholic, just like Mom is. So I know that pain. I know it so, so, so well. Never knowing if you’re going to come home to sober-and-rational or sober-and-angry from craving a drink, or just totally out-of-your-mind drunk. The awful things that get said, the slaps and overly hard grips, and the meaningless apologies hours later. Always coming in second. Man, the thought of having someone to relate to just seems so bizarre, like it isn’t even possible. Maybe that’s something that will bring us a bit closer together. If I didn’t screw things up with him beyond repair last night, that is. 

I can’t believe I kissed him. I can’t believe it.

But I guess it doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matters is that Riku gets better or, at least, that he doesn’t get any _worse_ under my care, but it’s hard to say what will happen next. Every once in a while he wakes, coughing, sweaty and delirious. Sometimes he only blinks groggily, assessing where he is and where his bag is only to fall back asleep moments later, but other times he’s retching again, obviously in pain and extraordinary discomfort. It’s hard to watch and even harder to listen to, and more than anything I hate that this is happening to him. And how alone, helpless, and terrified I am.

I don’t know what will happen if his health gets any worse. Or what I’d do without him... I don’t think I can be alone out here. Riku is infuriating. And stubborn. And antisocial. He’s not a nice guy.... But then again, he isn’t mean either. I haven’t given up on him, on us being friends or... Whatever we can be. Even if he doesn’t like me. Even if he doesn’t trust me.

His head must be a scary place to live.

I stroke his hair gently once and sigh in... boredom. Frustration. I don't know. 

"If you knew..." I mumble, my voice cracking from lack of use.

If you knew. 

There are so many things I wish he knew. That I genuinely care about him, no matter what he thinks I’m after, and that I just want us to be close. That I’m full of hope and fear and this heavy sadness for him and me and this whole screwed up mess we’re in. That I wish he would confide in me more, talk to me more, like me more. I want to smile and laugh with him. I want to touch him. 

I really, really want to kiss him again. I want him to kiss me.

Ugh, just listen to me. Grow up, Sora. Nothing’s going to happen between the two of us. Riku thinks you're disgusting, and the only time he wants you to be near him is when he's literally already throwing up.

"What--if I knew what?" Riku asks quietly after a moment. Oh, crap! When did he wake up?

"Nothing," I reply quickly. "Try and get some more sleep. You look exhausted."

"Can't." First I think that he's slept so much that he literally, physically can't sleep anymore--which I totally get. Then he says, "we can't afford to wait around," and I almost want to hit him. He's got gray bags under his eyes, he's pale as a ghost, and every time he tries to sit up, he gets dizzy and has to lay right back down. Who does he think he’s fooling?

"If you keep pushing yourself you won't get better!"

He turns onto his stomach, glaring up at me. It’s the least intimidating he’s ever looked.

"I always get better," he says. 

"You're so stubborn!" I say, way more loudly than intended, but I can't help it. I swear I’m gonna throttle him. 

"You're obnoxious and painfully naive."

I stare straight at him, more irked than hurt by his words. I won’t hold him responsible for things said while sick or scared.

"...You don't really mean that,” I say. 

“Maybe,” he concedes.

He flops over on his back again, sighing heavily. To be fair, I can't comprehend how angry he must be feeling right now. At himself, at the world... Even at me. Still, my two words of advice don't change: 

"Sleep. Now."

Surprisingly, it works. The unfortunate thing is that my victories don’t really count when he’s sick or scared.

 

I think it's been an hour. My butt and legs are falling asleep but I don't want to get up and disturb Riku, who at some point decided that my lap would make a great pillow. Not complaining, though. This is almost like a trust exercise. It’s good to know that, for everything that happened last night, Riku trusts me enough to let me near him at his most vulnerable. Still, I’m hoping he wakes up again soon so I can take the time to walk around a bit.

Luckily--for me, not him--it doesn’t take long. I take a five, maybe ten minute walk, circling a small area around a couple of mid-sized buildings and a rusty old truck. By the time I get back, Riku's dry heaving. And heaving and heaving and heaving. He doesn't really stop until he falls asleep, still coughing. Scratch that-- "falls asleep" is too peaceful. It's more like "until he passes out".

It's probably nothing to worry about... by nighttime, this should pass. I bet he's getting dehydrated, though... I'll have to make sure to get him something to drink soon.

But a part of me is scared, still cycling to the worst possible scenarios. I know I can't take Riku to the hospital. I can't go to anyone for help. I don't know where the nearest doctor would be, and what if they just call the police on us? What happens if Riku can't travel at all anymore?

Slowly, I scoot closer to him and slide my hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. It's completely normal and that's comforting to me somehow. 

Even sick, Riku doesn’t miss a thing; I feel a tug on my shirt immediately. Yep, he’s about the seriously chew me out.

...Okay, maybe not. He’s been silent for a good ten seconds.

"Feeling any better?" I ask.

"Kind of," he replies. His voice is hoarse and he still looks awful, but I'm tempted to believe him. He's seeming a little... I don't know. Brighter.

"Do you think you'll... um... throw up anymore today?"

"No, don’t think so. Sora?"

"What?"

"Get your hand off me."

"Sorry!" Okay, so that was painless. "Here," I say before he has the chance to think it over and get angry, taking a half-empty water bottle from next to him. "You should have some water. You're just going to keep getting sicker if you don't get something in your system."

"Can't," he says.

"Headache?" He closes his eyes and nods. 

"Riku, that means you're seriously dehydrated. I think you know that already." Carefully, I unscrew the lid and press the bottle against his lips. Despite his initial protest, he accepts it almost gladly. Come to think of it, I can't really remember the last time I've seen him have anything to drink. For as much as I’ve been nagging him, the bottles are untouched. No wonder he’s not doing well. He's probably had this coming for a long time; the illness only caught up with him today. I guess it was the stress that finally did him in. 

He closes his lips when he's finished and I set the bottle back down, seriously tempted to take a swig for myself. Instead, I load it back into my backpack for safekeeping.

When Riku lies down again, I join him. A cool breeze kicks up and we both seem to have to same thought at once: move closer. We're almost touching, but not quite... then, to my surprise, he shifts and rests his head against me. Hesitantly, I put a gentle arm around his shoulder. We both fall asleep that way.

 

I wake up just a while later, forgetting I have Riku in my arms. When I get up, it causes Riku to stir, which I apologize for without even really thinking about it. The sun has pretty much set. It’s not dark yet, but I’m sure it will be in an hour or so.

"What?" Riku asks groggily. His face scrunches for a second and he starts looking around, like he doesn't know where he is, before his gaze comes to rest on me. "Who are you?" 

Wait, what?

How can he not know who I am?

"It's me, Riku. It's Sora." He is seriously out of it... His eyes, there's something weird in his eyes. I reach out to press my hand against his face. He's really warm, and I wonder if he's actually delusional from his fever. Just another problem I can't solve.

"Sora?" he says, the look disappears, and he lets himself fall back asleep. He'll probably remember what's going on by tomorrow. I'm not worried about it, but I am wiped out. I lay down next to him and go straight back to sleep. I think I deserve the rest.


	8. Zero Tolerance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sora just can't remember Riku's boundaries and Riku's method of obtaining food nearly gets them both arrested.

"Get up," Riku says, startling me out of my deep sleep. I need to shake the dreams from my vision, which makes for a surreal couple of moments as I fully come to. I must've been more tired than I thought, to sleep during the afternoon and all through the night.... Although I'm surprised that Riku's the one waking me, considering how sick he was yesterday. I’d have thought he’d still be out like a light. I’m actually sort of concerned that he isn’t.  
  
I sluggishly rub my eyes, forcing myself up. Man, I think I overdid it with the sleep for once... I'm still really, really groggy, but I’ve gotta get it together. There's a sigh right next to me, then Riku's kneeling to give me a good shaking. Okay, okay, I get it... still, it gives me the chance to really look at him. He's paler than usual, his hair is tousled, and the bags beneath his eyes are heavy. Maybe we should have another light travel day...

"We have to go," he urges. "Now."

" _Now_?" I repeat. "What _time_ is it?" It feels way earlier than when we usually get up... it's like there's this cloud in my head where my brain's supposed to be. All I can think about is going back to sleep.  
  
"Yes, now. It doesn't matter what the time is. Let's get moving."

"Wait." Before he gets the chance to protest I put my hand to his forehead, which plays out more like me sort of... accidentally slapping him. Whoops. Sorry, Riku. My depth perception isn't great when I'm in this state. "You still--" feel way too warm, is what I'm going to say.

"We have to go," he repeats, cutting me off. "We didn't travel at all yesterday and we need to make up for the lost time." For the first time, he looks me straight in the eye. "Look, I'm leaving. If you want to stay, fine. I'll go without you."  
The thought that he'd do that scares me more than it should. I don't want to lose Riku and, more than anything, I don't want him to be alone.

"I'm coming," I reply quickly. "But as soon as you start feeling sick or tired, we rest. You have to tell me when you don't feel good. We'll go to sleep early tonight, too." He rolls his eyes, but I’m not so quick to let up. We’re equals now. These past two days, escaping from the police, me taking care of Riku... Riku confiding in me... There’s no coming back from that. "Okay?"

"Yeah, right," he mutters. "Let's go." 

...Okay, that works too. He doesn't know this yet, but I'm taking that as a yes. We rise to our feet, shoulder our respective bags, and set out.

"Hey," I ask again. "Seriously. What time is it?"

"Around five?" he guesses with a shrug. Figures he'll drag his sorry butt around this early after puking his guts out not a day ago. He is so not human.

As we walk, the sound of my stomach growling seems unbelievably loud. In the silence of the early morning, it’s all I can hear. I really miss knowing that I can just get something to eat if I'm hungry. I mean, our house wasn't exactly stocked with food all the time and my mom didn't exactly cook, but I never felt like I was starving. Now we eat once a day if we're lucky, and even then it's not a real meal. It's hard living on tuna, canned fruit, and crackers. I'd give anything for a steak, or a baked potato, or even a slice of watermelon. Well, no use thinking about it, I guess. At least not now, anyway. Hunger comes and goes.

I look ahead at Riku, watching for any tells that might let me know if I should jump in and help him out with anything, but so far he seems alright on his own. He’s keeping a decent if not somewhat slow pace, but most importantly, he’s steady on his feet.

When I feel comfortable that Riku will be okay for a sec, I take a peek up above me to see if maybe I can gauge how much time has passed since we woke. For one weird moment, I think there are two moons hanging low and dim in the sky. But once my eyes adjust, I realize I’m staring right into something I never thought I’d miss: a streetlamp. I get sort of stupidly excited and have to stop myself from pointing it out to Riku, who... probably doesn’t give a single crap.  
  
We pass by an open but empty gas station, then a small shopping center: a first. They’re really close to each other, too, unlike anything we’ve seen since I officially left my hometown, those small clusters of beaten up buildings of questionable purpose and then absolutely nothing for a mile or more. We must be heading toward the next city, finally. Something like three weeks of nothing but me and Riku for miles and miles was starting to get to me.  
  
My suspicions are only confirmed when we start hitting houses, all obviously inhabited and cared-for. They’re close together, too, in clear little neighborhoods. I can’t help but gawk at them as we continue on, taking in beige and off-white homes, blue and brown trims, and high, sloping rooftops. Chimneys, walkways, lawns, gates, garages... I can’t help but envy the people who live here. I bet they have nice beds to sleep in, couches that aren’t threadbare. Must be nice... I’ve never known what that’s like. I wonder if there are kids in any of these houses. I wonder if they’re loved. I wonder if I’m still better off, out here, than some of them are in there.

I let out a long sigh, feeling some of that tension that’s built up in my stomach this week subside a little. That profound loneliness is starting to lift some, like clouds dissipating after it's been raining just long enough that you don't know if the sun will come out again. Pretty soon, people are going to start flicking on the lights, readying themselves for a day at work or school. I’m so ready for a change of pace... I guess it means we’re not very safe, though. We could be spotted or attacked. Someone could see us and think we’re suspicious, then call the cops. I’m not worried or anything, it just means we have to keep moving on. Which is more or less what Riku’s been telling me from the start.

I glance over at Riku, who's lost in thought. No change there. I put my hand gently on his shoulder after calling to him does nothing, but he shakes it off.

"Don't touch me." 

"Sorry," I say. “I didn’t think that counted.” He shoots me a really fed-up look, one that’s not quite a glare but pretty close. I’m unfazed. “Hey, so... Why don’t you like being touched?”

"Why does it matter?" Jeez, talk about sensitive...

I don’t even get to open my mouth for a rebuttal when an unfamiliar sound makes us both jump out of our skin: a dog bark, high and yipping but unbelievably loud when there aren’t even any traffic sounds to compete. Then a second joins in, deeper and gruffer, and then it’s like every person in this place owns a dog that wants to be heard. Riku takes my wrist as the first light flicks on inside a house to our left. We don’t run, exactly, but rush out of the neighborhood and into the open street before darting behind a building for something like shelter.

Okay, so, there’s a downside to being out of the ghost towns, then. I guess that’s what Riku meant when he said to keep a low profile, what feels like a month ago.

 

The sun rises around six or seven and we’re still slowly making progress. I continue to keep an eye on Riku as we walk side-by-side. It feels weird being able to keep up with him and I wish I could say it's because I've just gotten stronger, but... 

"You okay?" I ask.

"Fine," he says, breathing a little heavier than usual. So... who, exactly, does he think he’s fooling?

"You don't sound fine,” I insist. “Come on, let's sit. Just so you can catch your breath."

"I'm fine," he repeats.

"Let's rest for one minute, and then I'll leave you alone. All right?" Sighing heavily, he nods. Well, now I know that annoyance and bribery work, so that’s something. We find a good spot where we can't easily be found, as usual. Riku’s good at spotting them. This time we’re behind a drug store, in a little gated area out by their dumpsters. The smell isn’t great, but we can at least bet that no one will be back here for a while. I glance up at the sky, now light, then over at Riku, curled up on his side, breathing steadily, his eyes closed. Is he asleep? Slowly, I inch closer to him and just lightly stroke his hair out of his face, dropping my hand afterward. Oh-- right. No touching. Why isn't that sinking in?

His eyes blink open and he sits, snarling. "What part of 'don't touch me' don't you get?" 

I lurch back, crying out a little. All right then, guess he wasn't sleeping... 

"Sorry! I just... I forgot." Which is the truth but doesn’t sound true. “I swear I didn’t mean to upset you--”

“Save it,” he says, so firmly and with such ferociousness I don’t even think of protesting. As Riku stands I remain on the ground, throwing a little pity party for myself. I wish I didn’t keep messing up... I wish he weren’t always mad at me. Maybe if I try to explain myself again?

I stand, looking up at Riku just in time to see him turn, tearing off his jacket, revealing his muscular arms and bare shoulders. _Whoa_! I’ve never seen him like this before... He looks so naked in just a tank top and jeans. I can’t get distracted, though.

“Riku--” I start, but then he takes off his shirt and just like that I’m speechless. I almost pinch myself, because I’ve _gotta_ be dreaming. This is about how all my dreams start nowadays. Wake up, Sora. _Wake up_! 

No. Wait... this isn't a dream. This is horrifyingly real: his back is covered in white lines, small and large, thin and thick, all standing out painfully, even on his pale skin. He is _scarred_. I take it all in almost against my will, and then I start noticing the marks down his arms, too...

Man...

"Still wondering why I don't let anyone touch me?" he asks coldly, staring right at me, into me. I’m still speechless.

"I'm so sorry, Riku," I stammer, hoping now more than ever that he believes me. "That’s.... _horrible_. I don’t know what to say. Do you... I mean... Do they still hurt?"

"No," he says after a moment, looking abashed suddenly and tugging his shirt back over his head. "It was a long time ago."

"What happened?" Riku doesn’t acknowledge me as he pulls on his jacket. "...Was it family?" Riku stops, staring ahead. I’m getting warmer. “...Your dad?” I ask, finally, hoping I’m not overstepping any boundaries again  
.  
"Some of them. There’ve been fights out here, too, and back when I was in school.... Sometimes..." he stops that final thought in its tracks, and I don’t press. 

Man... I thought my mom was bad for hitting me. But his dad gave him real, literal, physical scars. 

" _How_?" I blurt, and I’m not even totally sure what I mean by it. How could a parent to that to a child? How could he have attacked Riku in a way that would cut up his back--like, how did that work? But it isn’t any of my business to ask. So I don't. I just let my statement of horror and disbelief hang in the air between us.

"It doesn’t matter. You asked, and now you have your answer. It’s been way more than a minute, so let’s go." 

As we walk, the minutes drifting slowly by, I can't stop thinking about what Riku showed me. Mom and some of her boyfriends could be pretty nasty, but they knew where to draw the line, for the most part. Even still, I hurt so much. I can’t imagine what that level of abuse does to a person.

When Riku glances over at me, probably looking to see how far back I am since I’ve let myself fall behind, it’s almost like he’s sensed just how hard I’m thinking about him. I smile as warmly as I can, hoping it communicates to him how great I think he is, and how bad I feel for him.

"What?" he asks. Okay, guess that wasn't as reassuring as I hoped it would be.

"Nothing," I’m quick to reply. He shoots me this really puzzled look before turning around again. Awkward. "...Hey, Riku. Can I ask you something?” I don’t wait for his answer. “Do you think about your dad a lot?  
"Why would I be thinking about him?" he asks, almost suspiciously. Of course, when doesn't he seem suspicious of me?

"I dunno. You’re quiet a lot and I don’t know what’s on your mind. I think about my mom all the time, so I know how it is." He scoffs. "You know, Riku," I add, "If something’s on your mind, you could always let me know! You've been through a lot, but so have I! Donald and Goofy--my old friends, the ones you saw when the police came?-- are the only people I've ever really had, and now there’s you. I've spent my entire life being the butt of every joke. I'm always been the odd one out, so I know exactly what it's like. And if you'd just let me try and help you--" then maybe you can help me too, is maybe where that thought was going, but Riku just scoffs again.

"I don't need your help," he says darkly. "I’ve gotten along totally fine on my own." I'd better not argue, though I'd have plenty ammunition to. At this point... well, there is no point.

Without warning, Riku drops his bag and settles on the ground again, cross-legged, in the middle of the sidewalk. He just sort of stares off for a little while looking sad. Sad! He's not supposed to look _sad_. I'm still getting used to his whole "I can only be 100 percent serious at all times" thing, and then he springs this on me? 

"I know," I say, even though he’s quiet and still. For a long time I just stand next to him, like a guard. I stand until I can’t anymore and slowly come to rest next to him. Our shoulders brush, but I’m not moving--it’s all Riku, letting himself decompress for maybe the first time in his life.

I think so highly of you, Riku. You don't even know. It's going to be okay. Really. You're going to be okay. _We_ will be okay.

Riku's breaths are quiet and slow. This time, he really is dozing. I am still as stone. He deserves all the rest he can get, and if it means leaning on me, sleeping with a gentle head on my shoulder... I can more than deal with it.  
Honestly, I'm beginning to drift off when Riku abruptly pulls away and says we have to go-- and not another word. I get up to follow him, pulling my watch out of my pocket as I walk. It's 1:30 PM, so we got a serious nap in, it looks like. And it's lunchtime, if the circumstances weren't... well...

My stomach growls, angrier than ever, and I ignore it until I just can't anymore.

"Riku?" I ask when it looks like he's sort of back to normal, walking at his usual brisk pace, back straight, standing tall. The intimidating fighter he was when we first met. "I hate to bug you about this, but I've been starving since we woke up. When can we eat?"

"Let's get to the next gas station in town, then we can eat."

"Why a gas station?" I ask, but he keeps going like I didn't say anything.

"I'm sure we'll find one soon. Just hang in there a little longer."

Riku acts as if that whole incident earlier never happened. It's like there's two sides to him, and it's the weirdest thing. Split personalities. He's right about one thing, though. It only takes us about twenty minutes to find a gas station, and that's when Riku _finally_ decides to fill me in on what's going on in his head.

"This is our chance to stock up on more food," Riku says, stopping us about twenty feet short from the building, which places us right by a bunch of dumpsters again. "Gas stations almost always have stores attached. Never hit the same one twice, and try not to stop at too many that may be close together. If it's a small town like this, people talk. Getting noticed by too many people is a good way to get caught." He motions for me to start walking with him. "A good thing about small towns like this is that they're more likely to have open bathrooms than a place with high street traffic. Take advantage of it and wash up. I'll meet you in the store when you're done."  
  
I nod, but it feels weird separating, even for a few moments like this. I watch as Riku heads into the mini-mart then keep going, winding around the back of the building and into a spotless bathroom.  
  
Well, he said to wash up... 

Feeling really weird, I take off my shirt, throwing it over my backpack, and grab a wad of paper towels, squirting some orangey smelling liquid soap into the center and turning a knob in the sink for warm water. I gently press the wet mess to my skin, peeling off brown bits of paper that decide to plaster to me. I'm careful to avoid my bandages, which are probably overdue for changing or removal, but with everything that's happened... it hasn't exactly been our top priority. I get my arms and neck, chest and stomach, and some of my back, then strip out of my jeans and boxers. I try not to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, because this feels _incredibly_ weird as it is--I don't need the visual. I repeat the process with a new bunch of towels, and finish up by taking one last batch and lightly patting my hair down. I don't need to be soaked, especially since the rest of me is drying so quickly. Trust me, when you have as much hair as I do, sometimes the time it takes to dry isn't worth it.

I dress again and grab my backpack, emerging from the bathroom feeling like a sticky fruit. But at least I smell okay. I wind around the building again to join Riku inside. It isn't hard to spot him, since the store is so small. And so full of food... I'm so hungry it hurts, and I want every single candy, snack, and sandwich lining every shelf. I wonder how much money Riku has on him. I've got thirty, but just buying two sandwiches will take up almost ten dollars. We can't afford to go through our funds that fast... guess we're back to snack foods, then...

"Go to the cashier and tell him you lost your wallet," Riku says under his breath, so quietly I can barely hear him. He hardly even moves his lips. "Tell him you think it's in the bathroom, but that you got locked out. Buy me time."  
  
Wait, but why would I need to-- oh! So Riku wasn't planning on buying anything at all... I stare at him, mouth open, stunned at how quickly and casually Riku resorted to stealing. Stunned that I'm going to help him.  
  
For a moment all I can do is stand stock still, frozen in place, while Riku just stares me down as if he's daring me to argue with him. Finally, I shut my mouth and trudge up to the front counter. I feel like I'm going to explode into butterflies, I'm so nervous. As I wait for the cashier to notice me, I notice a giant sign hanging by the cash register stating that shoplifting is a zero-tolerance crime. This is more than slightly foreboding. Oddly, I get the impression that it just gives Riku a thrill.

"Excuse me!" I say to the man behind the cash register, voice cracking. I'm a bad liar... I can't do this. "I, uh, I think I left my wallet in the bathroom, and the door's locked. Could you help me get back in?" The man looks puzzled.  
  
"The bathroom door should never be locked during business hours. Are you sure the doorknob didn't just stick?" I go cold, all the way down to my toes, and my stomach drops. I don't think I'll be able to get this guy out of here. Stiffly, I nod and exit. I wait for a few seconds, then head back in. "I tried again. It won't budge." 

"Huh," he says. "Let me try." Score! Riku and I exchange looks as I follow the man out, leaving Riku alone inside the store. It looks really fishy when the guy opens the door no problem and there's no wallet in sight.  
  
"I--I guess you have the magic touch!" I say, laughing like the nervous idiot I am. "I'm so sorry to waste your time. Maybe I just. Pulled the door instead of pushing or something." The man just shakes his head and turns back, saying something about how he hopes I find my wallet. Crap. Crap. I try to think of something I can say that will keep him out of the store, but by the time I can remember how to formulate words, he's already at the door. I almost cry in relief when I see Riku hanging around outside. 

Riku takes off the second he sees me, not quite running but definitely brisk. I have to break into a jog just to keep up with him. He was so casual and assured at the beginning, this change is really unnerving. What did he do...

"Hey!" we hear the man shout behind us. "Get back here!" My heart leaps into my throat. 

"Run," Riku says, but I'm already on it. We continue forward, sprinting off in a panic. We pass a police station almost right away. Great... if this guy decides to call the cops on us, we're toast. What awful planning... I feel so bad for nagging Riku about getting food. If we get caught, it's all my fault. 

I feel Riku's familiar grip on my wrist as he musters another burst of speed, just barely taking me along for the ride as he cuts a corner, sending us into this dried out, empty field.

"Riku," I gasp, desperate for air. "Slow down! I can't run that fast! I'm gonna fall!"

"You'll just have to run faster!" 

One broken shoelace later, it's Riku who's on the ground, nearly taking me down with him. It's not pretty, either: he falls and skids about a foot, trying to catch himself so he won't completely ruin his face or any of his bare skin. All the dust that kicked up when Riku landed is picked up by the wind, creating a thin but suffocating cloud around us.

"Are you okay?!" 

Riku says some really, really nasty things under his breath, ignoring my question. He looks back for a split second to see if we're being followed, then keeps going anyway. Either way, we have to get out of here, and fast. The last thing we need is to give anyone the time to catch up.

I clutch Riku's hand with both of mine and pull back, helping him to his feet. Then, we're off again--only to come to a screeching halt in about ten feet as a gaggle of children and parents spill onto the sidewalk. That's right... it's probably two, so elementary schools are probably getting out about now. Sure enough, as we wind through the mob as quickly as possible, we pass a group of small buildings that share a playground. At least we won't be easy to spot with so many people around.

We follow the majority of the crowd down the street until they disperse, disappearing into homes and cars. That's our cue to pick up our pace again, cutting into a neighborhood, down a street with a post office, behind a fast food restaurant...

That's when we find it. Otherwise hidden and absolutely out of place, is a three-story abandoned building. It's been stripped clean of any sort of decoration or lettering, so I have no idea what the place used to be. Or if it’s even remotely safe. 

"Should we?" I ask, my heart still beating rapidly in my chest. Riku nods.

"There wouldn't be enough in it for the attendant or the cops to follow us. We can come out when we know the coast is clear."

I stand back as Riku circles the building in search of a weak, unsecured spot that we'll be able to use as an entrance. Nothing much for me to do here, so I just hang back and let him do his thing until he waves me over a few seconds later. There's a broken window that's just high enough that Riku has to hoist me up to get me through, and I try to return the favor as best as I can when I get inside. The first thing I notice is that the front door looks pretty flimsy, like people--teens, probably--have been coming in and out even though this place is supposed to be shut tight. I guess Riku didn't want to look too conspicuous in the middle of the day... this building is sort of out of the way as it is, so it's not like anyone would notice us sneaking around the back. 

It looks like this place was a restaurant not too long ago, considering that there are still tables and chairs up. The whole atmosphere is really creepy. I don't like this at all... ghost towns? Not ideal, but okay. Random abandoned building? Not so great. I'm surprised they haven't torn this place down already. We continue on, scoping the place out.

Out of reflex, I glance at Riku, who's now bleeding a little from a scrape on his cheek. Probably from that nasty fall. I point it out, but he dismisses me.

"And?" is his friendly response to my well-intentioned worry.  
  
"And... do you want help cleaning up a bit?"

"No."

"Riku, you're a mess. You helped me, now let me help you."

"That's not how it works."  
  
"But Riku--"

"Drop it."

Ugh. Fine! Forget it. If he wants to put up with blood all over his gross face, that's his deal. 

I can tell that Riku's about to speak up again when we both hear something that we should not be hearing... someone's opening the door. Without even thinking, we both dart behind a booth, trying to silence our rapid breathing. I swear I almost had a heart attack. Who on earth just barged in, and why?

"No one's here," says a voice I don't recognize. Much, much too young to be the gas station attendant, or a cop. That's a relief--the pounding in my chest lessens a bit, only to be replaced with the irritated groan of my empty stomach. I guess all the adrenaline made me forget I was hungry in the first place.

"I swear I saw someone," says a second.

"Anyone in there?" calls a third.

"Shut up!" says the second. "Don't be stupid." Laughter. From the person who wasn't just called stupid, I'm guessing. 

"What now?!" I whisper. I don't know what to do if we get caught, or how to hide if they decide that since this place is apparently empty, they can waltz in and do whatever they want. Riku looks around for a second and signals me to follow him as soon as the three teens are occupied with something else. Something that someone brought; I don't know, I'm not paying attention. We sneak into some kind of kitchen, and that's when I notice that there's a whole second part to this place that I totally missed. We’re in a motel. So this might work out in our favor after all. 

We're starting to feel a little more comfortable when we hear, suddenly, a fourth voice. The voice of an adult. Crap.

"You are trespassing!" it barks, making Riku and I both jump about a foot into the air. For some reason, my first reaction is to come out and start apologizing, until I realize that whoever's outside isn't even talking to us. I stay stiller than stone.

The cop--I'm assuming--takes a second to tell the kids off about how what they did was stupid and dangerous. Then, miraculously, they all leave, hooting and hollering and jeering at each other. Riku and I stare at each other in silence, and I think we're both thinking the same thing: if we had gotten here later, if we'd used the front door... that could have been us, getting yelled at and ordered to leave. The relief hits me first, but then for a split second, even though I don't even know these guys, I'm jealous. They have no reason to be afraid of the police. They're just walking around town looking for a place to escape and hang out and have an adventure. It's probably a Friday afternoon and they know they're off the hook for two days. No worries, no cares. 

That's never been my life, and I ache for it, but I have to keep looking forward. Today, I just need to be thankful that we're safe for now.


	9. The Calm, and the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sora and Riku find themselves rained in and handle the seclusion very differently.

“Riku, should we go now?” I'm not sure how long we've been in this motel, kneeling behind a dinged up steel counter in the kitchen, hiding like rats. My feet really hurt from sitting in this odd position for so long and aside from that, I'm itching to leave. “Hey?” I try a little louder, figuring it's safe to make some noise. But Riku doesn't turn to look at me, even to shoot me a glare. He won’t talk to me, even to tell me to shut up. He won’t do anything, and it’s so frustrating I can’t believe it.

I reach for his shoulder then drop my hand, because _that's_ a conversation I don't want again. Throwing stuff actually seems like a pretty good alternative for getting his attention... “Riku!” I finally say in a voice that's loud enough for him to snap back to reality.

“What?” he barks, almost falling forward a bit. Well, that clearly startled him... I wonder if he was so concentrated he really couldn't hear before.

“Are you okay?"

“Fine."

"Should we get moving?" 

Riku's quiet again, considering. 

“Yeah," he says slowly. His next words are much more confident. "It sounds like everyone's gone... the best thing for us to do for now is find a place to sleep. We can clear out sometime tonight or in the early morning.” It takes him a moment to get off the ground and back onto his feet. Honestly, he looks like he’s going to be sick. I wouldn’t be surprised if all that running did him in. Again. 

I watch him lean against the counter to catch his breath.

What a mess. Riku, I mean. I like him and everything, but sometimes it seems like there are more things with him that are wrong with him than right. From the flu he just can't seem to shake to his totally random outbursts... why do I even still ask him if he's okay? Of course he’s not. I really can’t help feeling so sorry for him, how he’s become this way. So angry and scared. I wonder how we could have turned out so differently as people, having gone through so much of the same stuff... unless I'm on the same path as Riku is, and that _will_ be me someday. Unless Riku has gone through things he's not telling me. Which I don't doubt for a second.

"Hey Riku, I need to tell you something, okay?" Yeah, I sound like an idiot, but I want to make sure that he's hearing me right now, that he's not going to keep ignoring me. Riku shrugs.

"Yeah, sure. Okay."

"You're going to yell at me. I'm just telling you right now, okay?" Riku actually huffs a little.

"Then hurry up and tell me, and I'll yell at you," he says. It's _almost_ a joke.

“Okay. Just... let me finish before you say anything okay?" I can tell he doesn't like that, but he says nothing. "I'm not oblivious. I know there's something serious going on with you, and if you keep saying it's nothing and you're fine, we're not going to fix anything. I don't think you realize this, but I can tell when you're lying about something. And you're definitely lying about feeling okay. I still think you need to take it easy, and I guess I'm just worried that eventually there will be so much damage that you can't go on at all. You know this. I know you know it. So I don't get why you won't listen to me. Maybe you can't get used to being around someone who cares so much. Because I do care. A lot. I want you to be okay and feel okay."

I give him a moment for that to sink in. 

“If there’s any reason you think you can’t tell me if something’s wrong... it's not true. You saved my life, Riku. I totally trust you. And I want you to know that you can trust me. I want to be a part of your life... I don't just want to be someone who happens to walk next to you. I want to be someone you feel like you can talk to and tell when you feel sad, and I want you to do the same for me. I owe you that much. And I mean, it's more than that, too. I want to help. I really, really want to help. We've been traveling together for how long, now?" A beat. "We can't walk on eggshells around each other and be this wary and this suspicious. It's just not working. I’m not giving up on you. Just... understand me, like I'm trying to understand you.”

Riku shakes his head as if I just insulted him, as if he can't believe what he just heard.

I think I may have just messed things up...

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, seeming to calm himself before he starts talking. “You're right," he says. "I did save your life. Accusing me of being a liar is a pretty shitty way to pay me back. Look, if this isn't working for you, then leave. I don’t need you.” It's a physical pain that shoots into me when he says it. His voice is quiet and dangerously low. I’ve never heard him sound so angry. This is worse than when he just flies off the handle, because this is deliberate and controlled. 

“W-what?”

“I don’t need you to think you can take care of me like I’m some kind of ... stray animal. Like your little project. I don’t care about how much you think you care. This is the last thing I need: people trying to... pry their way into my life with their fake little concerns. I’ve been on my own my whole life. You don't get to come in and tell me how I feel. Back. Off.”

“Quit acting like--”

“Like what?” he interrupts.“I’m not acting. This is who I am.” 

No, it’s not.

I saw what you’re really like, Riku. You showed me the night you opened up and told be about your past. The way you described yourself as having hope and told me how you didn't fit in, the way you seemed so vulnerable… that’s who you are, Riku. When I touch you and you explode, and you give me anger and fear and betrayal. When you get sick and ask me to stay with you. When you don't give me canned, rehearsed speeches about not needing fake concerns and about being a "practiced" runaway. When you aren't _acting_. 

You're a real person, with ups and downs and real emotions. Not this.

Still, I suck it up. By sucking up. It sometimes worked on my mom, so....

"You're totally right, Riku," I say, as if I'm done trying to get through to him. Which I'm not. "I went way too far just now. You know what you're doing, and it's not fair for me to try and act like I know so much about you... I'll really try and respect that boundary from now on. I'm sorry." 

"Good."

"So...everything’s fine between us?” I ask. “We’re cool?”

He shrugs. “Yeah. Sure.”

Well, that wasn’t too bad. Guess it was all he wanted to hear. 

Wordlessly, Riku shoulders his bag and begins walking out of the kitchen; I'm all too eager to follow. 

I trail after him, through a small, intimate banquet room with chairs stacked on round tables, down a long hallway. On either side of us are white doors, shut tight. Some of the doors are still numbered, but a lot of the numbers have been peeled or eaten away and the room key devices are almost all torn away. The carpet is dusty, but I can still clearly see the color scheme peeking through--dark red, forest green, and gold, all swirling together. Some of the panels are missing, though. The lights are off, unsurprisingly, which makes it seem way too dark for barely three in the afternoon. We pass by a pretty sizable panel of windows, but they're mostly boarded up so the dim stream of sunlight doesn't make a huge difference. 

And then there are the walls, which are covered in mostly childish graffiti. _For a good time call_ s, _I was here_ s, and a _Hail Satin_ for good measure, which makes me laugh a little. I point it out to Riku, but he doesn't seem to find it funny. 

"It means we might not be the only ones here tonight," he explains. Talk about a buzzkill...

“Wait, so we're crashing here for the night?” I ask. Not gonna lie, the idea of actually sleeping in a bed is really enticing, if all the rooms haven’t been emptied, that is… or if we can even get in...

"If we pass by another window, look at the sky. It's going to storm tonight for sure, so we're going to want the shelter."

"They're all boarded up," I point out needlessly. "And I can't see over the top like you can." Riku looks back at me, and I think I see it hit him that I'm really short. See, this is why everyone thinks I'm twelve when they first see me. Including Riku. Even though he only has a few inches on me, it makes a pretty big difference. Maybe someday I'll catch up to him. 

Luckily we hit another patch of windows when we turn the next corner, this time with a small empty patch that's actually in my field of vision. I creep up, hesitant to touch _anything_ for fear of everything I so much as breathe on falling apart, This building isn't old or anything, but it sure looks like it's been through a lot.

When I'm able to focus, I can see just a small glimpse of a black sky. Um, it did _not_ look like that an hour ago...

“It's dark!" I say. "It isn't night yet, is it? I mean, my internal clock isn't that bad, right?"

“No,” he replies. “It’s still daytime for a few more hours.” I hear him begin to stalk off, talking as he goes. “Still hungry? We should probably eat now before it gets too much later.” At the word "eat", my stomach goes nuts, growling and bubbling. More than hungry, Riku. Starving! I don't let on though. I just pull away from the window and back into the dim hall, following Riku's lead. "See if we can get into a room," he mumbles under his breath.

“You mean break into?” I ask, watching as his pace slows down and his eyes begin darting across the identical doors. He's looking for something, for sure, but I don't know what that might be--and I'm still not sure, even after he apparently finds it.

He places a hand on the door to room 145, then gently leans against it. After a moment, he pulls back and rams his shoulder into the door. I wince, hardly able to watch. That looked _really_ painful, but he doesn't even miss a beat. He just pulls back and kicks--and just like that, the door's swinging open, barely hanging onto its hinges.

Damn.

"Cool," I breathe, and instantly hate myself for sounding like a deranged fan. I hope it's a little more dignified to thank him and tell him that he was amazing, because that's what I do. The compliment rolls right off him. 

“Come on," he says, but I think he's maybe standing a little bit taller. That's right, Sora: feed the ego, feed the ego.

I follow Riku in, and the one word that instantly springs to my mind is "creepy". Wandering the halls was weird but I could deal with it, but being in this room feels wrong, especially when Riku gingerly shuts the door behind us. I feel unbearably trapped, especially knowing that we're probably in for the night. 

There is very little still in this room. All of the furniture has been removed save the bed and a small table. Bizarrely, I can clearly see the imprint of heavy feet in the carpet, can still see light patches on the walls where a dresser and TV used to sit. 

The bed is a little askew, like someone tried to move it but gave up, and the covers are all in place. It looks mostly clean, just a little dusty, so I guess we'll have to shake it all out before we sleep. I just hope there aren't any bugs. 

I slowly inch inside further, feeling like an unwelcome guest, even though Riku's already beginning to settle as if he owns the place, resting on the foot of the bed and setting all his stuff next to him, unpacking food and water for the two of us. I sit on the floor, next to this moldy bedside table, and try the lamp sitting next to it on the ground. Nothing happens. I'm not surprised, but it would've been nice. 

Next to me, Riku rises from his place and presumably slides into the bathroom. It's so quiet I hear him flick the switch, but nothing happens. 

He emerges a few seconds later.

"We don't have any water," he says. "But I found a bar of soap under the sink. No shampoo. We'll need to hold out a little longer, then we can shower really thoroughly." Man, a shower sounds amazing right now... it's really too bad the water is all shut off. I'm almost tempted to walk into the bathroom and try it out myself, but what's the use? Also, why does my mind immediately jump to Riku and I showering together? _Jeez,_ brain! Calm down on the mental images for a couple minutes here, okay? I shake my head like it'll literally shake the thoughts out of me, quickly stopping when Riku takes a seat on the bed again, sliding the bar of soap into a side pocket on in his bag. 

As he shifts to fold his legs, I hear something slide off the covers and onto the floor. It sounds light, like paper, and I reach out for it almost out of reflex. Riku's already on it, though. He leans over, picking up what fell almost gingerly, and slowly bringing it back into his lap. For a moment he stares at it, and I crane my head to see if I can sneak a peek. No dice, though. Again I'm just not tall enough. I do get a good look at Riku's face, though, and his shift from surprise to confusion to nothing at all. He starts a little when I stand, sticking whatever it is in his pocket. I can't possibly imagine what would be in here period, let alone something Riku would want to keep. The hungry part of me hopes that it's like, a wad of cash or a coupon for something from a fast food place or grocery store.

"Time to eat," Riku says, looking down at his bag but talking to me. Finally, after all this time and hard work, Riku pulls two burritos from his hiding space and hands one over to me. "It's important to consume all the calories you can get, because they're hard to come by. Enjoy it," he advises. "But make it last if you can."

I don't need to hear it twice.

I rip off the top of the foil cover and take a huge bite. It’s so good, the best thing I've ever tasted... already my stomach is thanking me. I’m sick of the usual. This actually has substance, rice and peppers and veggies, cheese... beans... I know Riku said to make it last, but the thought of stopping hurts. I don't know when I'll get food like this again. I don't even care that it's cold as ice in the center.

"Hey," Riku says, and for a moment I think he's going to give me a hard time for eating so fast. But instead, he gives me something else: the last third of his burrito. He shucks it off to me like it's no big deal, but I hesitate in taking it.

"Aren't you going to finish that?"

"No," Riku insists. "I'm full. Besides, you need this more than I do. You look like you're still hungry." I'm slow to reach out and grab it out of his hand, and even slower to take my first bite. When it's clear that Riku really is okay, I polish it off in a matter of bites. This one is even better, with breakfast sausage, bacon, and potatoes. I think I get a few pieces of egg, too, but I just keep going and hope that the allergic reaction won't be too bad. Eggs and I don't exactly mix, but the worst I ever come off with is a stomachache. I should be okay.

It's funny, but I still remember how we found out I was allergic as a kid... Mom was making deviled eggs for some reason. She didn't really cook, so she probably got roped into doing it for work or my school. I snatched one when she turned her back, then hid in my room and ate it. I remember being amazed as a kid that Mom instantly found out that I took one, but looking back on it, she just put them back in the carton when she was done so it was probably pretty obvious. When she came to get me I was curled up on my side, moaning in agony, all dramatic. I thought she was going to yell at me, but she just said it served me right and laughed. She wasn't even laughing at me--I remember joining in once the pain went away. It really wasn't all bad between us. Not all the time.

I wonder if she's okay... I miss her sometimes. The version of her that shook her head and laughed with me, not the one who threatened and hit me. Who called me stupid, annoying. Definitely not the part of her I saw out here, when she turned on tears like it was nothing and snarled at Riku for no reason.

I wonder if Riku heard all the terrible stuff she said... I mean, he was right there and all.

"Riku," I say, taking a seat next to him. "A few days ago, when we were cornered by the police... my mom said a lot of nasty things. I don't know if you heard. But... I'm just. Really embarrassed about how that all happened, and everything after..." I cringe, remembering our botched romantic moment. "I'm sorry." Riku just shrugs. 

"It's not a big deal."

"But..."

"I can promise you that whatever she said... I've been called worse."

“…Oh. Right." 

I sit awkwardly in silence, close enough to Riku that we're almost touching, as he takes the time to do some general inventory. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he spreads out the rest of our food, counts water bottles. I see a lot of unfamiliar bags, which I assume is his gas station haul. Man, no wonder the guy noticed so quickly and got so mad... Riku seriously cleaned him out. My stomach growls loudly, even though I'm not hungry anymore, and I just hope Riku doesn't hear and get the wrong idea. 

"We're running out of water," he says heavily. "Next time we pass a store, we should stock up. Keep your eye out for a water fountain when we set out tomorrow... if we can refill what we already have, that would be ideal. I don't want you to throw out any empty water bottles until we know what we're going to do. Got it?"

"Yeah, got it." I set my backpack on my lap, resting my head on it for support. "I have three, by the way. Water bottles left." Riku nods, then moves on. 

"I really stocked up at the gas station, so we have enough food to last us a few more weeks if we're smart. That's not as important. It's going to start getting hot soon, so we'll need to stay hydrated. Humans can survive a lot longer without food than without water. Remember that."

"Gotcha," I say, and maybe he thinks I'm dismissing him, because he looks me in the eye and repeats himself before piling everything back in his bag. Weirdo... 

I watch him as he leans over, scooping up the cans of tuna, the bags of this and that. It's hard not to stare at his jacketed back, knowing about the scars he's hiding. My eyes start scanning downward, view trailing down to his waist, his legs... I think his jeans are getting a little looser. I frown. He's losing weight, and that's not good. Maybe it's from being so sick? I know he hasn't had much of an appetite lately... why else would he sacrifice the last sizable chunk of the only food we'll be eating all day? My stomach growls again. Jeez, quiet down in there... When Riku shifts one last time to zip his bag up, I notice the edge of one of the papers he found poking out of his pocket. I ask about it, but I get a dismissive "don't worry about it" in response.

Annoyingly, my stomach growls. Then it starts to snarl and burn and I'm almost knocked over by just how fast I feel absolutely sick. I drop my backpack and slump over, curling on my side. I bet anything it was the freaking eggs. I groan when a wave of nausea kicks up, then disappears as soon as it came. The pain only seems to get worse, though. Bed bugs be damned, I'm burying my face in the cool covers and gripping hard onto the sheets. 

I almost want to push Riku away when he very, very gently touches my arm.

"Sora," he says. "Stay calm. And stop groaning. Please. It’s not helping anything. You ate a lot in a really short amount of time. Lay on your back, take a deep breath, and relax. Let it pass.” This is not instinctive for me at all, but I do it. I try to slow everything, counting my long, deep breaths. With every spike of pain, I take Riku's hand and squeeze. Surprisingly, he lets me.

The pain dies away slowly and it's fifteen minutes before I feel back to normal. I loosen my grip on him and let my hand fall back to my side. Riku and I sit in silence, on opposite sides of the bed, listening to rain begin to fall.

By evening, the rain turns from a sprinkle to a downpour, and it's completely dark out when the wind starts blowing. The windows shake in their panes, even with the boards to keep them in place. It sounds like this whole place is just gonna fall in on itself, but better in here than out there, I guess... I shudder to think of what we would have done if we were stuck outside with no shelter.

Lightning flashes like a strong bulb, illuminating the entire room for a few seconds, and I nearly jump out of my skin when the first thunder clap booms; even the room quivers, like it's just as scared as I am.

“Sounds like the storm's right above us,” Riku says, frowning. Yeah, no kidding. “There’s no use leaving, so we’ll have to camp out here for the night.” He stands, sliding his back onto his shoulder and heading toward the door. “You can stay here. I’ll be right across from you if you need anything.”

He can’t be serious. There's no way he can leave me alone in this. 

"Don't you think we should stick together?" I ask, and as much as I want to sound casual, I know my voice is shaking. He doesn’t say anything in return, just gives me this really strange look. Time to backpedal. Now. “...Joking, Riku. Just kidding. Good night.”

“Look, I’m only ten feet away. Knock if you need me.”

He grabs his stuff and leaves like it's no big deal. For a moment I stare at the now Riku-less space on the bed, in complete disbelief. He’s abandoning me. Through the wind and rain, I hear him take down another door. I feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie... and we just split up, which is always a bad move.

I don't even know what to do with myself. All alone. 

I fumble in the dark, trying to shake out the covers before burrowing under. I really should have brought a flashlight. And like, a deck of cards or something. With nothing else to do, I shut my eyes tight, praying for exhaustion. The thunder is so loud above my head... I know it's just a noise, it can't hurt me, but I find myself curling up tighter and tighter every time it hits. And I'm alone. And I'm trying to concentrate on anything other than the creaking of the floors and shuddering of the windows... and the dark... 

The rain pounds against the window; the wind is shrieking. ...Did I just hear a door slam? Or is my brain just making it up? 

If we're not alone in here... if someone snuck in, and we didn't know... this is a big place, it's totally possible...

“Riku!” I call out. Another lightning flash. Down the hall, something definitely smashes. “ _Riku!_ ” That’s it. That’s just it. I throw the blankets aside and tear out of the room and directly into Riku’s, nearly tackling him. Without any grace or dignity I yell, “Please don't make me sleep alone, it's loud and I'm scared!" like it's just one big long word.

He pushes me away gently, like I'm fragile. 

“Calm down,” he replies lowly. “It’s just rain. No one's out at this hour, so we’re alone here. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re probably the safest we’ve been in a long time.” Not convinced. He can tell. “The window in this room is busted anyway. Go back to your room and I’ll be right there.”

I very slowly head back, hoping every step of the way that Riku is trailing behind me. I'm still by myself when I make it back over to the bed, though. I stare at the open door, trying to discern any movement, anything that might be Riku. Or not Riku. My hair stands on end, and it's only then I realize just how cold I am. I begin to rub my arms, doubly thankful I'm not outside, as terrifying as this place is.

“Alright,” Riku says, close to my ear. I jump, crying out. He pulls back rapidly, which makes me jump again. How many more heart attacks can I survive?! “Calm down, Sora. We need to get some sleep.” 

He makes it sound so easy. Still, I appreciate his willingness to stick by me, so I can't really complain. And, as much as I hate to admit it, having him here really does help. I feel a lot calmer know that if anything happens, Riku is right here with me. I'm so, so lucky to have someone with me who knows what he's doing and is willing to help... and happens to be super easy on the eyes, not that I can see him that well at the moment.

I hear him shuffle across the room, then the heavy sound of his bag hitting the floor. When the room lights again, I just barely see Riku silhouetted in front of the window. 

"Let's hope this goes away tomorrow," he sighs, turning. As he takes his first step away, the window shatters, spraying the room with bits of broken glass. I almost watch it in slow motion, but I still can't quite figure out what happened. I think something outside maybe rammed into the boards, which cut through the window like it was nothing. All I know is that Riku is way too close for comfort. If he hadn't turned when he did, he would've been smacked right in the face.

“Are you okay?!” I gasp, rushing over to Riku, trying to survey the damage.

Riku shakes the bits of glass from his hair, ignoring my attempts to help. Good thing he’s wearing such a heavy jacket, or else he’d have earned a couple of new scars tonight.

“You’re getting drenched,” he points out, ignoring my question entirely. Of course I decide to bridge the gap between Riku and the window, standing right in the cold, thick spray. Classic Sora. Riku takes another step back, and I catch him looking around when the lightning comes again. “We'll need to move the bed, it's getting wet. It'll get cold in here tonight, but I don't know if I have it in me to break another door. ” He upturns the comforter on the bed, shaking it out until all the tiny glass travelers slide off. "Let's move the bed against the door. That way we also have cover if anyone tries to come in and makes it this far... come on, you're helping."

“Right.” He walks to the side of the bed nearest to the window, and I do the same. The bed slides easily as we push it, which I definitely wasn't expecting.

“You might want to take off your clothes before you get in bed, but keep your socks. Throw on another pair if you can. There's still glass on the ground.”

“What?!” I'm still on "take your clothes off". What the heck is Riku playing at?

“If you stay in your wet clothes you’ll catch a cold, but they’ll be dry by morning. Shirt and jeans, off. And over there.” He motions to a far corner of the room, away from the window.

“Okay...” I trail off, still a little unsure. Did he seriously not hear how that sounded? Besides, even if I'm not soaked, I'm still going to be freezing. Unless he's planning to keep me warm himself, which... really doesn't sound bad at all. We'll be sharing a bed and all. Or at least, I'm assuming that's what will happen.

I feel Riku staring at me undress before I turn around to confirm it. This is so humiliating... I feel like he's judging me and my scrawny, skinny little body. 

"Let's get rid of the last of your bandages tomorrow," Riku says, which is a little reassuring. So he wasn't staring at me for no reason, then. Besides, I'll be happy to finally un-mummify myself. The bandages on my legs are the pits--and itchy, too.

I crawl into the bed under the covers, between Riku and the door, while Riku remains above. It’s big enough for both of us to have some space, but I scoot real close to Riku anyway. The closer I am to him, the safer I feel. 

Thunder rolls and grumbles above us, the walls chatter, and blindly I reach over Riku, feeling for his hand to squeeze. He laces our fingers together and holds tight. He doesn't even protest as I press my face against his back. I still hate every second of this night, but in some ways, this is the most at ease I’ve felt since I ran away. Again, frustratingly, I want to kiss him. But I can't.

“Riku?” I ask.

“What?” He responds softly.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.” Riku snorts.

"Yeah, it's whatever." Lightning strikes, thunder roars. Riku very quietly mumbles under his breath. Lightning. Thunder. Riku speaks up, this time intending for me to listen. “If you count the seconds between thunder and lightning, you can tell how close the storm is."

Lightning. Counting--Riku's voice, soft and low. Thunder.

"How's it looking?" He shakes his head.

"It couldn't be any closer. It'll probably last all night, too... maybe into the morning too, who knows. You just get to sleep.” And... how can I sleep during this? 

I scoot up a couple inches, pressing my face against the back of Riku's neck, and he tilts his head back to meet me. Tomorrow he might act like none of this ever happened. But for now... I can get through the storm, through no sleep, if it means I get to be this close to him.


	10. Shows of Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life doesn't calm down just because the storm has passed.

When I start awake in the middle of the night, I'm shaking from head to toe. It's getting seriously cold in here. If it were lighter, I'm sure I'd be able to see my breath. I pull the covers up to my shoulders and curl up tight, nuzzling into Riku's chest. Huh… I'm pretty sure Riku wasn't facing me when we first went to sleep. I wonder if he'll get all weird if I huddle in close...

“You awake?” I ask, out of some dumb hope that he'll be up for a post-midnight chat. He doesn't stir at all, instead shifting to throw an arm over me. And just like that... warmth! I return the favor, sliding an arm around him, brushing against something sticking out of his pocket. That's right--he picked up those papers earlier, and I have no clue why. The idea of sneaking a peek while he's snoozing away is pretty tempting, but Riku's faked me out before with his whole sleeping thing. Some dumb curiosity isn't worth pissing him off like that. Besides, I really do want him to trust me. 

And I want to kiss him, but I think the trusting thing will need to come first.

 

I guess I fell asleep or something, because I wake up again when sun is rising. The rain has dissolved into a light sprinkle, and there's no sign of the thunder that was making our lives so hard last night. Now I know what people mean when they talk about the calm after the storm. Err...or something like that.

Even Riku's looking peaceful for once, which is a nice change of pace. His hair is splayed across the pillow, his lips are slightly parted, and he’s breathing audibly through his mouth. For once, all of his defenses are down. Maybe he even feels safe here, with me. I can't help but smile. What am I going to do with this sick weirdo?

Content, I roll over and close my eyes for a moment. Next thing I know, Riku's shaking me and telling me to get up.

“Five more minutes...” I mutter, rolling onto my stomach, details of where I am and why forgotten.

“If you don’t get up right now I’ll leave anyway. It’s morning and we need to get out before anyone else tries to get _in_.”

...That does it. I shoot up from the bed so fast that my vision grays, dizzying me for a few strange seconds.

"Don't get up yet. I want to check your bandages before we go. After, take advantage of the bathroom if you need it. Okay?"

“Um, okay.” So much for having to leave right now, I guess. 

He quickly strips off the bandage on my left arm; I squeak because it's unexpected. Seeing that motion so suddenly with the corner of my eye is startling--or maybe I'm still jumpy from last night.

“Suck it up,” he says, ever the sympathetic one. "Well, your left arm is looking all healed. Take the pad off your collar bone and unwrap your stomach. I'll get started down here, then come back for your other arm."

I do as he says, gingerly peeling the layers of soft fabric from my body, faltering and dropping a wad of gauze as Riku pushes up the legs of my boxers to remove the bandages from my legs. I know I'm bright red. How does he not feel awkward?

"Awful high there," I squeak. Riku doesn't seem to get what I'm going for.

"Yeah, you must've fallen on your side at some point. The whole side of your leg was skinned. I had to bandage the whole area to cover it all. I didn't think I'd have enough for your arms by the time I was done."  
I let that sink in. I never really considered it like this, but it really was a sacrifice for him to patch me up like that, knowing that he may run out of first aid supplies for himself if anything happened to him. All that, for some kid he didn't even know...  
"Well, anyway," Riku says, snapping me back to reality. "You're good to go. I don't see any reason to reapply any bandages. Some of the scrapes have scabbed over, but the rest have cleared up. Just don't scratch them and you'll be fine." You'll be fine, he says again. I wonder if he really believes it. “Hey?” Riku flicks my head. “Get your clothes on.” I hop off the bed, grab my things, redress. Thankfully my clothes are totally dry. 

I'm disoriented as we walk back out through the hall, and at some point I'm pretty sure we get turned around and actually end up deeper into the building. Or maybe I'm just that impatient to be out of here. I like this place even less now that half the windows are shattered and plants are strewn around, blown in from last night's wind. That would explain the crash I heard...

By the time we reach the banquet room again and exit through the kitchen, out to the restaurant, I want to kiss every booth and table, all the way out the front door. I'm so ready to be out of this spooky place. 

I let Riku take a quick look outside to make sure the coast is clear, then we slip out and rush off. It's too hard to run with the ground so muddy, so we at least try to walk at a good pace. I’m right behind him, so close I'm surprised he hasn't sped up to get away from me.

And of course that’s when he suddenly stops, almost causing me to crash right into him, which would've knocked us _both_ over. I hover close, watching him catch his breath before he begins to walk again.

“Riku?”

“Don't," he hisses, taking me aback. Mood swing alert... "Don't say anything."

"You know I think you're not well enough to go. Maybe we should just double back and take another room until you're well." A beat. "Yeah, you're fine and I don't know what I'm talking about. I know." He turns his head as I smile, missing it completely. All the same to me.

Well, onward and upward I guess. We make our way at a steady pace, slogging through the mud and the moist, thick air. I have to wait for Riku every now and then, but that’s fine with me. After all, we really aren't running from anyone. I kind of doubt that the police would keep looking for us… something like $40 worth of stolen food won't be worth a two-day manhunt and even if they clock us for being runaways, is there really anything they can do? Okay, so let's say they take us back to our homes. We'd just run away again. So would there even be a point? I guess being a runaway could be against the law but I mean, would they actually put us in jail? That seems too extreme to be a possibility.

I'm sure that they want to help us more than hurt us. I mean... we're kids. We're just kids.

Sometimes I wonder what Riku is really trying to escape. I know he doesn't want to go back, but he's just _so_ scared all the time. I wonder if he even realizes it. 

I think maybe he's scared of me, too.

“Hey, Riku. You think we're making good time?" He shrugs.

“As good as we could hope for in this weather. It doesn’t mean we can just get lazy, though. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”

“Aw, but I like getting lazy." Either he doesn't get that I'm just kidding or doesn't find it funny because he replies with a scoff. “Hey so, are you feeling better than yesterday? You seem less tired.” 

Riku shakes his head, scoffing again.“If you ask me how I’m feeling one more time, I will rip out your tongue, step on it, and shove it down your shorts.” He sounds serious, so I won’t make a joke about it.

Jeez.

 

For as much as Riku wants to get out of here, it’s kind of nice actually spending two days in one place. Being able to get familiar with our surroundings is a treat. Considering how many people are out, I'd say it's a Saturday morning. And a nice, sunny one at that. Riku's obviously nervous, though. He looks smaller, less confident... something about the way he walks, talks, carries himself changes, and I don't think it's because he's still sick. 

I'm glad there are a lot of people, personally. I'm still thinking that if the police really do show up and they really are out to get us, we'll be harder to find. We stick out less when there are groups of teenage boys out and about all over the place. And besides, feeling alone on Earth was driving me crazy. I'm willing to take the risk if it means feeling this energized.

Still, it doesn't take long to bypass the stores and shops where groups of friends convene and find ourselves in the outskirts of town, with no idea what to expect next. That's the problem of running away... we're totally floating out here, rootless. Always passing through, never settling down, never getting comfortable or feeling safe... it's exhausting. I can't imagine living this way for too much longer, honestly. Next time we pass a gas station, I want another map. I really need to get into gear to find my dad. Riku said we'd head west, and I believe that he's doing his best to get me there. But I'm restless and impatient and I need to know that this is a go. I want to know where we are.

As we reach the edge of town, the population dies down a bit again and Riku's seeming more natural. Surreally, we pass a mobile home community that looks way too familiar for comfort--I don't even like the way I feel standing this close. I know I'm far away from home, but I actually find myself speeding ahead of Riku until it's out of sight.

"So much for being lazy," Riku says, smirking at me as he catches up. I laugh a little sheepishly.

"I just wanted to get out of here. I hope you don't expect that pace from now on." For some reason, I'm embarrassed to say that it reminded me of home too much. Riku shakes his head, scoffing again.

"I don't really expect anything from you at all," he says, striding past me. It takes a second, but I think he's joking. I grin. A joke! Maybe he has a sense of humor hidden somewhere after all! 

"Yeah, just wait. Pretty soon you'll need to tell me to slow down so you can keep up." Riku snorts.

"Sounds like I'll be waiting a long time." 

"Hey!" I laugh, rushing to match his pace, but it isn't long before he's ahead of me again. "It's not my fault I can't keep up, you giant!"

"Guess I won't wait for you to grow, either." 

"Fine," I laugh. "Then I'll be a slow walker but at least I won't be a tall jerk."

"Then maybe I shouldn't wait up for your slow ass to catch up anymore," Riku says darkly. Whoa! Where did _this_ come from? When did we go from joking to fighting?

I fall silent, feeling stupidly wounded, not even daring apologize or explain myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. 

“What can I do to make you trust me?” I ask quietly. 

“Stop trying," Riku responds simply. "This should be enough for you.” I sense a replay of last night… why do I bother? “I don’t need help.” He turns, now walking backward, his eyes meeting mine. “I don’t need you to bug me about trusting you, don’t need 'emotional support', or any of the shit you’re feeding me and I don’t need someone to lead me around--”

And then it happens. And it's kind of hilarious.

And I mean, I try to warn him, but he doesn't listen.

Walking backward, he doesn't seem to realize he's sort of swerved off to the side a bit, closing in on a building, and he only turns again with just enough time to smack squarely into it, face first. The impact knocks him down flat on his ass, and I'm doubled over, in tears, wheezing in laughter.

Maybe me "leading him around" would do Riku some good after all.

“Riku, are you… okay...?” I ask, trying not to laugh but failing miserably. I don't know how long it's been since I've laughed this hard. I'm doubled over, hyperventilating, _sobbing_. I just wish it weren't at Riku's expense. Yeah, he's not going to be happy about this. 

Riku rubs his cheek to hide that he's blushing, but I'm not fooled. Honestly, I just find it really cute and endearing. Even though I offer him a hand as an apology, he only slaps it away. I stop laughing immediately, even though I'm still hyperventilating a little.  
“Riku?” He regains himself quickly and starts walking... I don’t think he even cares what direction he’s going. He just wants to get away from me. “Hey!” He’s really, really fast. I almost have to break into a run to keep up with him. 

“Wait up, please! I’m sorry I laughed at you.” He refuses to even look at me. Did I embarrass him _that_ much? This kind of stuff happens to everybody! It's not like I've never fallen on my face. I'm pretty good at it, actually!

I let myself fall behind again and give up on communicating with Riku. Fine, let him wallow. 

 

Riku's quiet the next time he speaks, almost meek. That little incident a few hours ago really knocked him down a peg. I almost think that's a good thing...

“I think we can rest for a little while now," he says. "I think we’re probably safe.” I shake my head a little. Come off it, Riku... we've probably been safe for a long time.

We find a dry spot under the awning of a small breakfast cafe that's already closed for the day. I curl up on the concrete stoop, maybe try for a nap, as Riku waits and sits a distance away from me.

“You're not mad, are you?” I ask, cracking an eye open. He glances at me then shakes his head. I close my eye again and try to drift off, but I just end up thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.

I wonder if anyone back home misses me. Donald and Goofy do, I know that much for sure. After all, they’re my best friends! And I even saw them not too long ago... they seemed sad that I wasn't coming back. Scared about what would happen. Just like I am.

But what about Mom? Does she miss me at all?

No, probably not. She's probably sad that she has no one to scream and throw things at... I don't even know why she would want me back, why she fought for me at all. I just get in her way. I take up so much money and food, dry up her dating pool to practically nothing. No one wants to date someone with a kid. This is probably better for both of us...

Have my classmates or teachers thought of me since I ran away? Or are they glad I'm gone, too? It's not like my teachers only thought I was anything more than a stupid clown, and the kids… 

“Riku?” I say. He looks up. “Do you ever miss anything about your home?”

“Why would I miss anything about that place?” There's a surprising calmness in his voice. I guess he really needed a break, too.

“I don’t know. But maybe there's something that you just...” I don’t even continue. He suddenly sighs, obviously not meant as an answer to my question. “What?”

“Just my mom, really,” he says with some hesitance. “And I had this one teacher I liked. Before I left. They were the only people who treated me like I belonged.” I open my mouth to say something, but he cuts me off. “Let’s go.” And once again, we’re off. His mom, huh… they must have been really close. 

It’s not very busy here, as we dip in and out of alleyways and open streets, past stores, a few businesses, and a hospital, but it’s also not quite as empty as the last two or three places we passed by. It's a happy medium, enough to keep me satisfied and to keep Riku from getting weird and antisocial. Well, more so than usual anyway.

As we pass by an open diner, I hope that Riku will want to pop in and grab something. We could probably split an appetizer for under ten dollars. Plus, I'm dying of thirst and we could get some free waters while we're at it... who knows when we'll get the chance again? This ebb and flow is unpredictable. Tomorrow we could be in the city or in the middle of nowhere.

“Riku?” I ask carefully. “Can we get water from the diner? I'm thirsty.” He stops walking and eyes the building warily. 

“We’ll see if they have a water fountain so we can fill up.” I thank him more profusely than I really mean, but I feel bad for laughing at him earlier, so there's that. "You check it out, let me know what you find. I'll wait here." 

Man, I hope he's not trying to shake me off...

I pop my head in real quickly, scanning the small building for a drinking fountain. No dice, but there are some pretty large water bottles for sale, submerged in a bucket full of ice. I scurry out, squeaking an awkward hello to a man behind the counter when he takes notice of me, and deliver the news to Riku. 

"Let's take a look," he says after a moment's hesitation. So together we file in, again catching the notice of the man behind the counter. He's older, maybe in his fifties, but his small ponytail of brown hair hasn't started to gray yet. I wonder if he's the owner.

I start for him until I notice that Riku stills pretty quickly, opting to hover near the doors. "Ask for a price," he instructs me quietly again, almost under his breath, just like he did at the gas station mini mart. "If they're over two dollars a piece, pass. I'm sure there's a park around here where we can fill up the bottles we have. Sora." He calls a little bit louder when I start to walk away, so I take a step back. "Big water bottles get heavy a lot faster than even two of the smaller ones, so just keep that in mind." I nod, slowly, turning my back to him and approaching the counter.

"Hi," I say with maybe a little too much cheer. "How much for a water bottle?" I'm hoping for good news... staring at the condensation clinging to the plastic is almost too much to handle. I haven't had cold water in a month. 

"Three dollars a piece," says the man behind the counter, wiping down the bucket with an old rag. My face drops. So that's a no go, then. I glance back at Riku, startled to find that he's a lot closer to me than when I left him.

"Let's just go," Riku says urgently.

“Just take it,” says the man. He doesn't take his eyes off of Riku for one second as he takes two bottles from the bucket and slides them toward us. “Don't worry about it.” I look at my partner in crime and grin while taking one, but he hesitates. “Go ahead,” he urges. Riku takes it and stuffs it in his bag. He isn't breaking eye contact either. This is really weirdly tense.

“Let’s go _now_ ,” Riku hisses in my ear.

“How come?" I whisper. "What's the hurry?"

Riku lets out a long, shaky sigh and I look behind us. A group of police just arrived, and they're getting out of their car and starting to walk toward the door. They're probably just on a lunch break or something, I know. But still. This is way too close for comfort. I can't stand feeling this vulnerable, hate not knowing what the police can and can't do, wish I had some concept of how careful we really need to be.

“What do we do?” I ask a little too loudly, earning an odd look from the man behind the counter and one or two people eating.

“Come on,” says the man, leading us behind the counter and through to the kitchen, near the back of the restaurant.

“Why are you helping us?” Riku asks sharply, but the guy doesn't answer.

“Don’t say a word,” the man says before walking to greet the police. Riku holds on to me and I can’t even hear him breathing he’s so still. It seems like hours-- no-- days pass before the man comes back telling us it’s okay to come out, they've picked up their food and left.

“You’re telling the truth, right?” Riku asks, pushing me away roughly and standing up. The guy looks genuinely confused.

“Why wouldn’t I?"

“No... no reason.” Riku looks distant as he walks out. The same way he did in the motel, when he snatched those small papers. Strange.

“You'll have to excuse him,” I say to the man before I head out, too. "We really, really appreciate this."

“Hey,” he says. I stop and look back, but Riku's already out of the store. I'm twitchy to catch up, but better hear what this guy has to say. “Take care of Riku. You hear? Watch over him.” That definitely makes me do a triple-take. I literally jolt at the sound of Riku's name. I want to ask him how he knows who Riku is, and just where we _are_ , but I'll have to let it go.

“Thanks again,” I reply, as I start trying to catch up with my friend. “I will.”


	11. Hospital(ity)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sora wakes in the morning to find Riku gravely injured, he has to make a difficult choice.

Take care of Riku… I don't think that guy realizes what a tall order that is. 

I've been ruminating on those words for three days now, wondering who the heck that guy was... did he know Riku personally, or is he just sympathetic to runaways? Then how did he know who Riku is? What baffles me most about this whole situation is that Riku didn't seem to know him at all. Riku doesn't even seem fazed, and nothing has broken our routine. Sleep early, up early, walk all day, eat twice. Never smiling, never laughing, never speaking unless spoken to. Sometimes I wonder if that's how it was for him at home, or if he's just anti-social. Sometimes I even wonder if he's just shy. But would it change anything? If I could open up his head and take a look, would it even impact the way we feel and act with each other in the slightest? Every time I think we're making progress, Riku snaps right back to the robot he is.

I just feel so alone. When we take breaks or go to sleep, I hold on to my dad's sweatshirt like it's a lifeline and breathe in the scent of my home. This whole goal of Riku and I becoming a team is totally falling apart, and it's so sad but I just can't let it keep me down.

 

Towns and suburbs and streets all look the same, with homes and stores and hospitals, and Riku and I are always starting over. The only thing that changes out here is the weather. I don't understand how it could be so hot today when there was practically a hurricane raging through town just the other night. It's eight in the morning and already 70 degrees at least... I'm a little worried about what we'll have to deal with when the sun is at its hottest.

At least we have water. Riku was definitely right about keeping water our number one priority, because I wake up panting at night, mouth dry, while I know this heat is gonna kill my appetite. Maybe if I take less food, Riku will actually _eat something_ , because more and more he leaves his cans of tuna and fruit half discarded, asking me to finish the rest. 

Maybe it's because he was so sick a while ago that he doesn't want to risk eating bad food or something. Still... maybe if he actually ate something he'd feel _less_ sick. I dunno. I'm starting to think that his stomach bug only lasted a day or two, and the rest of this is something else. Riku isn't having to stop to catch his breath or asking us to break so he can drop to the ground, sweating and nauseated, like he was last week. Now, I'm afraid he's just losing steam.

I think it's time we have a talk to revisit everything--to make sure we're still on track to find my dad, to make sure he's really okay... It's not like I don't know how this will end. But I have to try. If not for him, then for me.

“Riku?” I ask.

“What do you want?” he asks, tone sharp. I guess he didn’t get enough sleep last night or something. I should probably bring it up later, then... if he's this angry now, I'm not gonna push him. Jeez.

“Nevermind. It was nothing.” I hope Riku doesn't think that I’m just messing with him or trying to annoy him. I mean, I really do have things to talk and ask about. It's not like I do things to make him uncomfortable all the time! …Not on purpose, anyway. Well, not usually. Besides, if I were trying to annoy him, I’d ask how he's feeling today.

“Riku?” I try in an hour. He gives me a tired, exasperated look. Oookay… what’s with him today? Again I lose confidence in broaching this pretty big subject, so instead I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind: “What were you thinking when I kissed you a few weeks ago?"

...Whoa! Where’d that come from?! I didn't realize that kissing Riku was still at the front of my mind. Jeez, hormones, can't you be cool for two seconds?

Riku doesn't answer, and I'm thankful for it. In fact, we don’t talk for the rest of the morning. Yeah… probably for the best. I still don't know what _I_ was thinking when I kissed him.

 

The sun is setting already. The day went by so fast, and I can only hope that tomorrow goes by quickly, too. Today was super uncomfortable. I was plagued with hunger pains off and on, even with the day as hot as it was. The weather here, to put it plainly, sucks. It's humid and muggy, constantly drizzling, making me all sweaty and gross. My hair keeps sticking to the back of my neck and my skin feels like it'll never dry off. I think I’d rather have it be totally raining than stuffy like this... I feel like I need to open a window or something, but then I remember I'm already outside. No one in their right mind is on the street, making this bustling town feel deserted... I bet they're all inside with the AC turned up. I'm so jealous...

"It's so _hot_ ," I groan loudly, not caring who hears or what Riku thinks. And I'll never know what Riku thinks, because he says nothing at all. Not until the moon is up and he wants to sleep. Right on cue.

 

I wake up without Riku having to shake my shoulders, or hit me, or tell me to get up before he leaves me behind… It’s nice and cool today, thankfully. I don’t think I could put up with another wet 90 degree afternoon. I dig through my pocket for my watch, noticing that the sky is oddly bright. It’s 9:30. Well, I guess that would be why...

Wait.

Riku’s still sleeping. 

And it’s 9:30. 

No way. This can't be happening. This is _Riku_ we're talking about. Riku isn't just going to decide to sleep in all willy nilly. I wonder if he's sick...

“Hey,” I whisper. “Riku?” Very gently, I place a hand on his back, rubbing in small, soft circles. "Hello? Anyone in there?” No movement. Okay, I’m getting a little worried now... I swallow past a lump in my throat when he doesn't stir, shaking him hard, finally pulling his shoulders to turn him toward me. What I see makes me gasp out loud and cry his name. “ _Riku!_ ” 

He's bleeding. There's something wrong with his arm and he's bleeding hard and I don't know what to do. For a moment I hesitate, then I push up his left sleeve, because it's his left arm that's dripping blood down his fingers, pooling below him.

There's so much blood it's hard to really tell what happened, but he needs help. He needs a hospital. And I know we passed one yesterday. They might call the police or our parents but I’ll just have to chance it. No question. I have to go.

I don't have any other choice.

Before I even realize I'm moving, I bolt. This is all unreal, things just seem to… stop existing around me. I don’t know how long I run, or how far, but all I know is that I don’t hurt and I’m not tired. I could keep going for hours if I had to, because it’s Riku and he’s bleeding and he won’t wake up… I’m just so glad that we’ve been pretty much traveling in one straight line for the past few days, because it allows me to find the last hospital we past fast and clumsily plow through the doors. The few people in the ER waiting room stare at me as if I'm a madman. Out of breath and near tears, I explain what's just happened to a nurse at the front desk and, miraculously, they’re able and willing to get Riku some help. I feel dreamlike describing where he is, relieved when they know exactly what I'm talking about, and almost weak watching as they send a small team of EMTs to transport him to a room.

He'll be okay. If he isn't dead, he's gonna be okay. 

I want to cry, but nothing comes out of me.

 

An hour later, and I'm stuck in the waiting room. Waiting, waiting, it feels like I'm always waiting for something. There's this heavy emptiness inside of me, washing away the terror from this morning. I'm exhausted to the point of numbness. I just need to know that Riku's okay. I need to know that he isn't dead or hurt. But I'm not family, so no one tells me anything. I wonder if they'll even let me see him. 

They have to. I'm all he's got.

I curl in my chair, holding my backpack tightly in my lap, hugging my dad's sweatshirt, just... hoping for the best. 

Please, Riku. I want you to be okay. I don't think I can do this alone.

A young nurse approaches me, her light hair in two thick braids. Her name tag reads, "Penelo." She's smiling, which is a good sign. Honestly, everything about her is welcoming.

“Is he all right?” I ask, voice hoarse from either yelling-more-so-than-asking for help, or for not speaking since they found him.

"He's all right," she confirms. "Do you want to see him?" I don't even need to nod, I'm sure the answer's clear on my face. She helps me up since my legs feel like jelly, then leads me down a hall and into Riku’s room.

“Was it bad?” I asked, amazed by the steadiness of my voice. I still feel like my legs are gonna give out.

“He almost needed stitches,” she probably shouldn’t be telling me. “But I think we patched him up okay.” She smiles and waits as I walk in before turning and heading a few doors down to tend to another patient. 

“Riku?” I whisper, but he doesn't stir. He's still in a deep sleep, but the fingers on his right hand are twitching quickly so at least he's dreaming. At least he's moving again. I know I should leave him be, but I nudge his arm until he stirs, coming to slowly, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. I just need to see him awake and alert until I feel like the world isn't ending. It seems to take him a second to realize where he is, and I can see right on his face that urge to bolt, but in the end he just slumps against the pillows. “Riku?” 

He pointedly ignores me, inspecting the bandages on his arm as if he wants to make sure they did it right.

"Riku?" I ask again, full voiced.

“What?” Riku responds finally.

“What happened? I tried to wake you this morning but you wouldn’t and… you were bleeding. I mean, even with the jacket I could tell.” I shut my eyes, hoping to block out the image of dark red streaming down his hand, but I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it. I want Riku to talk to me, to tell me himself that he's okay. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to convince myself that he's not a ticking bomb.

This silence is so loud, punctuated only by the distant beeping of some machine, of quiet talking in another room. I can barely stand it. “Riku, please, tell me what happened… you don’t have to right now, because you need your rest and all, but I really do want to know. Later. Sometime.” Complete silence. He stares at me blankly. "You know. Someday." His head drops so he can better inspect the bandages on his arm again.

"What if I did it?" he asks, uncertain.

“... what?” He lifts his right arm, lets it drop. "I still don’t get what you mean." The half-smile that crosses his face seems combative, like he’s challenging me. 

"Exactly what I said. What if I told you I did it to myself?" 

"Why?" I gasp, horrorstruck. "Why would you do that? I mean--did you? I don't... I don't understand. What happened? What were you trying to do?"

“What difference does it make?" Riku asks. It makes every difference. I can't believe he would even ask me a thing like that.

"I just want you to be okay," I tell him, desperate, knowing it will piss him off but I can't even care.

“Leave me alone,” he says unconvincingly, turning onto his side. "I'm tired." Too weak to stand, I finally collapse into a chair close to the bed, staring back up at the ceiling. "Look," Riku says sometime later. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to... to get hurt. To end up here. I'd think that you would know that more than anyone." 

What does _that_ mean?

“So, wait. You weren’t trying to... to... kill yourself?” 

"Sora." Riku sounds exasperated, like I should be expected to know the answer. "No. Of course not."

“What were you doing?”

He shrugs before replying, like he’s searching for a rehearsed answer somewhere in his head. He’s more than done with this conversation, that much is clear.

"I made a mistake."

“You’re awake!" We both start at the sound of the nurse's voice. "You were really out for a while. I'm glad you're up." In one motion, she pulls a small tray attachment from the side of the bed and sets it over Riku's lap, then sets down a plate with water, red jello, and oatmeal on the table beside him. "Let's just give you a quick tetanus shot, then I'll grab your doctor and we can get you on your way." She begins murmuring to herself, "Now, where's the size needle I need...?" Riku doesn’t look too happy at the word 'needle'.

“It’s fine,” he says. "I probably don't need it."

“Excuse me?" She sounds surprised, but not as surprised as I feel. They didn't shove Riku in a free clinic or urgent care, they gave him a room. I'm sure they know we're runaways and have no insurance to pay for this care. Without parents to give consent to any of this, they can probably get into huge trouble for just about any judgment call they make. So Riku should really just smile and nod and do whatever they ask. That's what I'd do, anyway...

“No,” he repeats, stern and stubborn. Unmoving, like always. 

“This'll be done in just a sec, I promise.” Riku wrenches his entire arm away.

“Fine,” Penelo says, putting her hands up and walking away. Even though she's conceding, she's still got this smile on her face. Well, at least she isn't fed up with us yet... "Us" meaning Riku...

Riku's dozing again when the nurse returns, a cup in each hand. She sets the first, filled halfway with orange juice, down on Riku's tray and hands the second to me. Mine's full of cool water, which I down almost instantly. I didn't even realize that I was thirsty, but just getting this in my system makes me feel about a hundred times better. She files out before I can thank her.

“Hey Riku,” I say loudly enough for him to stir. I’m not sure he actually registers what woke him, since he doesn’t even acknowledge me. “You should drink your juice before I steal it from you.” That earns me a snort--the closest I've ever gotten to a laugh from him. He finishes his cup almost as fast as I did, but as the minutes slip by he starts to look... off. He doesn’t look drunk but sort of… confused, like he’s slipping away and trying to hold onto whatever control he still has. It pretty much slaps me in the face that there was probably some sort of sedative in his drink. These people really don't mess around.

"Sora." In the middle of his semi-lucid mumbling, he hits me with one clear question: “Why are you so nice to me all the time?” 

“Um…” He stares at me. Usually he looks right through me, but his eyes are locked onto mine--a little glazed-looking, sure, but intense all the same. “Come on, you know I care about you." I figure that's the safest thing. He seems to lose his train of thought and rolls back over, closing his eyes. I wonder if I missed my only chance to say "because I kinda love you" without him biting my head off. Still, if this is an indicator of how he really feels, he knows that I really am sincerely trying to be nice to him, and that's something.

“How's it going?” I jump at the new voice but Riku is still off in la-la land and doesn’t seem to notice. Penelo is back with the needle, and once Riku looks over… it's like he's not sedated at all. He's scared. I don't know what they gave him, but he is _not_ reacting to it well. He's graduated from this weird sort of anxiety to a full on screaming panic attack, not letting either one of us near him. 

He struggles to the point of exhaustion, which comes mercifully fast. I guess that’s the one good thing the sedative did for him... at least it’s over now. No muss, no fuss. The nurse administers the shot and leaves. It's done in twenty seconds, tops. Man… what was that about? I can't really help but feel bad, though... yikes. Poor Riku. I pull the covers up to his shoulders and let him get some rest. He... err, deserves it, I guess.

 

I doze in my chair until Riku stirs about a half-hour later. In the back of my head, I wish I could curl up next to him on the bed.

“Hey," I ask, words slurred a little until I blink awake more fully. "You feeling better?”

“What do you think?” he asks, the cruelty of the answer not as effective as he probably intended it to be. He sighs in annoyance, then rubs his forehead, then his arm. "My arm is stiff… must have slept on it.” Not quite, Riku. “Hey,” he says, voice a little less edgy. “Did something happen?”

I laugh a little out of nervousness. Yeah, I’d say something happened, and I can't believe he could ever forget. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know… everything today is really fuzzy."

Uh, that's concerning. Luckily I'm spared the difficulty of explaining, because the nurse chooses that moment to pop back in, a small plastic tablet in her hand. She sets it next to Riku's plate and backs off, noticeably giving him space.

"I've talked to the doctor you saw earlier," she says to Riku. "And we thought it might help to give you these. It's called St. John's Wort, and it's an herb that might help you cope with anxiety and depression. It definitely can't hurt. One a day for two weeks and you should be feeling a bit more yourself. And if you ever feel like you're in trouble... please know that you're welcome here." Riku looks affronted, mumbling something that could be anything between "thank you" and "go away" and I just try to register everything she's said.

Anxiety. Depression. Yeah, those two words seem to sum up Riku pretty well. I didn't think it was... that bad, though. Man. This is getting really complicated.

Four days ago, a man told me to take care of Riku and that's all I want to do. But more and more I feel like I'm just not enough make a difference. And even if Riku'd let me watch out for him, even if we can become friends or _anything_ at all, what happens to him if I find my dad?


	12. Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Sora thinks he can relax, he and Riku are thrown into another scary situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the unintentional hiatus. Hopefully I can go back to more weekly updates from here on out. I find that the farther I get, the more extensive my rewriting needs to get. Starting about here, 11 year old me wrote 24 year old me into a lot of corners...

I'm courteous enough to leave the room so Riku can change back into his clothes before he even tells me to get lost. This whole thing with him…it’s just weird. I mean, he randomly decides to slash his arm then turns around and says he can't remember anything? Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke?  I wonder if he's lying, and if he is... which part is the lie? Is he a self-harmer, or some kind of... selective amnesiac? I don't know which of those would be easier for me to believe. Or harder to live with.

I guess all I can do is hope that someday he’ll trust me enough to let me in on some of the crazy stuff that goes on in that head of his. Until then, I’m stuck in the dark. Like always. I dunno, maybe it’s for the best. I should be focusing on finding my dad, not figuring Riku out…  
  
“You almost ready?” I ask, knocking on the wall once I realize that he's been in there for a while. He grunts, which honestly could mean anything, and meets me in the doorway, fully dressed with his bag on his shoulder. We slink out of the hospital in tense silence. “Hey… are you going to be alright?”  
  
"Good to know I'm always welcome in the psych ward," he says bitterly. I have nothing to say to that. I just feel bad.  
  
 We’re halfway out the door when I realize that I feel really… light, for some reason. I go to tug on my backpack’s straps, and that’s when it hits me: no backpack.  
  
Crap. How am I going to ask Riku to double back without looking like a total idiot… better do it now, though. If we get too far and then I bring it up, he’ll kill me.   
  
“…Hey,” I say quickly. “I think I left my backpack in the room and I’m going to go get it okay be right back!” He rolls his eyes and groans a little, but that’s a better reaction than I was expecting so I’ll take it.  
  
I rush back into the ER waiting room, back into the patient rooms and hope that no one asks what I’m doing back here. Not like it would be a big deal, I guess, but I just feel like it would look sort of fishy to say I left something in a room after everything that went down with Riku. I’m sure we seem really sketchy, at best.  
  
Ah, there it is! My backpack is exactly where I left it, next to the chair I was occupying while waiting for Riku to wake up. I do a once-over just to be safe, and I’m glad I did.  I knew Riku was in a hurry, but I never thought he’d be this careless: on the food tray, there’s a small bottle of water and an unopened jello ripe for the taking. Plus, the cards Riku made a point to snatch from that creepy motel room are all on the little table, right out in the open. I still think it's weird he took them in the first place, and realizing when I pick them up that they're all photographs is even weirder. I don't look, though. I just stick them in my backpack and get moving. I don't have enough time in my life to question _every_ weird thing Riku does.

  
When I catch up with Riku outside, not totally surprised to find him already about twenty feet farther away than where I left him, I apologize, he accepts, and that’s the end of it. Riku tosses the tablet with those St. John's whatevers behind him carelessly, like it doesn’t even matter. I hang back for a second, waiting until he’s ahead of me to pick it up, and shove into my backpack's side pocket. Nice try, Riku. This conversation isn't over.  
  
I follow him as he heads back in the direction we were going yesterday--or, I think so at least. I bet he's not happy to backtrack, but I'd hope that he's at least a little thankful to be alive.  
  
He tenses visibly as sirens sound off in the distance and speeds up as they come closer. I frown, realizing for the first time that this may just be a panic response on Riku's part. He doesn't seem to realize how far ahead of me he's gotten. I think about how desperate I was to get away from those mobile homes, and something clicks in my head. Your logic and your gut feelings don't always mix, so sometimes you just gotta do what makes you the most comfortable. Just like that, Riku's making just a little bit more sense to me.  
  
...Or maybe I'm totally wrong. As the siren grows louder and a single police car comes into view, slowly rounding a corner, I get this really nasty feeling that something's not right.  Before the car even comes to a stop, parallel against the sidewalk, I know in my gut that the hospital called the cops. Going cold, I realize that they probably wanted us to stay long enough for the cops to get to Riku's room. If I hadn't forgotten my backpack... if I hadn't stopped to collect other stuff from the room... maybe we would've had enough of a head start to get away.

But it doesn't matter. It's done. There's no parents around to distract the cops while we leave, no maze of old buildings to hide in. If we run, we'll be caught for sure. There's just nowhere for us to go. And with Riku in the state he's in, half-tranquilized and injured…  
  
My breath catches, swelling painfully into my throat. My stomach freefalls, my heart jumps in the worst way. I honestly think this might kill me.

I'm frozen from head to toe as a single cop climbs out of the passenger side door.

"Riku?" the cop asks. "Sora?" Our names don't even sound right coming from him. This is wrong. This is all wrong.  
  
“Riku...” I mutter, but it’s already too late. Within minutes the cop is asking our names, asking us to come with him for a moment. Like dumbstruck sheep, we load into the car without argument.  
  
I should be a wreck, but I’m so stunned. This doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm dreaming, watching from a distance. We've come so far. We've come _so far_. And it's over. Just like that. Like a bubble popping. It's over. We're over.  
  
Riku's quietly hyperventilating in the seat next to me, eyes closed, face pressed against the window. If he's not going to be sick, he's going to pass out.  I’m never forgiving whatever messed up force that made this happen.  
  
 “I’m scared too,” I whisper. "If that helps any. I'm so, so scared."  
  
“I’m not,” he mutters.  
  
"It's okay to be human," I tell him.  
  
The car starts; my stomach is lurching and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Riku looks like he already has. I stroke his hair softly and, for once, he doesn’t protest.  
  
That’s what scares me the most.  
  
  
  
Maybe ten minutes later, we’re at the police station. We watch in helpless silence as a second cop digs through our bags before returning them, lead us into a small room for questioning, and then just leave us, locking the door behind them.  
  
I want to cry but I just can't. Not now. This isn't the time for falling apart.  
  
Deep breaths, Sora. Deep breaths. They can't be planning to keep us here long. They can't arrest us when we haven't done anything wrong. And if I just tell them how my mom hit and yelled at me, maybe they'll let us go without ever calling our parents... what I wouldn't give to know Dad's number or address...  
  
Riku stands, pacing, and I can just tell he's looking for a way out of this. He's like a panther who thinks he's in the jungle, but really he's in the zoo. I admire his stubbornness, though. In a way, seeing him refuse to fall apart gives me strength, too.  
  
I see him falter as if tripping, but he catches himself at the last moment. He walks very lightly on his left foot as he takes a seat in the chair next to me.  
  
"You okay?" I don’t expect him to answer, but it makes me feel a little better to speak up. “What’s wrong with your foot?” He takes off his shoe and… he’s bleeding. There’s this small cut on the bottom of his foot, and the source becomes clear when he pulls a pretty sizable knife out from his shoe. I wonder if that same knife is also responsible for the gash on his arm...  
  
“Riku," I gasp, sputtering. "Are you okay? What happened? Why--" He cuts me off.  
  
"I didn't want to risk them taking my knife. I just put too much pressure on one side of my foot when I took a step and got a nick. Don't worry about it."  
  
"Then we should get you cleaned up, huh?”  
  
“I’ll do it myself,” Riku says, pulling some first aid supplies from his bag and slowly putting himself back together as I sit and watch, forever useless.  
  
In the meantime, the policeman who drove us here opens the door, taking a seat across from us. I'm actually a little scared to know what he wants.  
  
“You're not in trouble," he says, which just makes me feel like I'm in trouble even more. "I’ll need your phone numbers to tell your parents you’re both safe, and where you are. From there, we can all sit and decide where to go from here, but we can't let you back out onto the streets."  
  
Riku looks like hell. So, about as well as I feel. And what does he mean by "we'll decide where to go"?  
  
“We can't call my mom!” I protest. “She'll just try to get me to go back with her!"  
  
“Calm down," he says. "I just need the number. Nothing is decided yet, and I promise we'll listen to what you have to say. Sora, right?” I nod miserably. I don’t think I can be strong. I’m just a kid, and I don’t know what to do.  
  
I tell them my mom's phone number, sniffing and wiping the one tear that decides to escape. Riku follows without prompting, which would have knocked me off my feet if I were standing. He gives a nurse trying to give him a shot everything he has, and the police who might take him back home not even an ounce of fight. Come on, Riku... I thought you were stronger than that. I don't know if I can be the strong one, here.  
  
I scan Riku's face. Nothing. His mouth is a straight line, his gaze is fixed, staring resolutely ahead. He sits straight up in his chair, shoulders back. I don't recognize him.  
  
The officer leaves, leaving the door open behind him. I stand slowly, straining to listen to any sort of information to slip through… the anticipation, the not knowing, is always the worst, isn't it?

They hit my mom first, and it goes about how I expect. First she doesn't pick up at all, then when they finally reach her there's a lot of arguing on their end, punctuated by long silences. Knowing my mom, she's giving them hell for not catching me sooner and demanding me to bring me back home this very minute. It's a full six minutes before the call ends and by that time, I'm actually feeling kinda sorry for the cops.  
  
Next up is Riku's family, just a few moments later. “...Hello? Yes, I’m calling from a police station near--” He says some names I can’t understand. Too bad... I wish I knew where we were, since we never did get around to finding a new map. “It’s about your son, Riku.” There’s a short pause. “Yes, he’s here. What’s that?” A longer pause. “Yes but--yes sir, I understand that. No, we could keep him here until you-- Oh. I understand. Good day.” He hangs up.  
  
“What happened?” asks a completely different guy. It could be the second cop, the who was driving, but the one on the phone has done most of the talking so far so I can't tell.  
  
"I got the older boy’s father. He said if the kid left on his own, he can come back on his own." That punches me in the stomach so hard I almost miss the next sentence out of the guy's mouth: "Let's just get this over with. They're probably scared shitless." Get what over with?  
  
“Riku...” I say, hoping that the two feet between where he's sitting and I'm standing is enough to render that phone call indecipherable. I can't believe Riku's dad would be so cold. At least my mom wants me back...     
  
Riku's eyes are closed. There's no mistaking that he heard. Man... I feel so, so terrible for him. He doesn't have a home to go back to anymore. Not even a bad one.  
  
I reach for him, taking his hand, grabbing hard. We are not going to be separated. "Riku, I'm sorry. Screw him. Okay? Just screw what your dad says. _I_ want you. I want you here with me. We're going to get out of this, and then--"  
  
“Stop. Talking.”  
  
I do. I shut up mid-sentence without another word. My hand slides off his.  
  
  
Five minutes pass, ten, fifteen. All the while my nerves mount into terror. I know my mom is going to come to get me the second she sobers up. If she does, it's all over. I'll be on permanent lockdown. I'll never have any hope of finding my dad before I'm grown and out of the house. And I'll never, ever see Riku again. The thought alone almost makes tears spring to my eyes, but it's true. Riku and I will be alone again, miles apart, and I can't live that way.  
  
One thing is clear from our months of knowing each other: if I don't protect Riku, no one will. If Riku doesn't protect me, no one will.     
  
I am not giving that up.  
  
“Riku, I don’t want to go,” I say, and I don’t care how childish I sound right now, it's the easiest way to let him know I'm not giving up without a fight.  
  
“We’re getting out of here,” he says reassuringly. I nod, ready to do whatever it takes.  
  
"How?”  
  
“I think I’ll find a way.”  
  
I just don’t like the way he’s looking at the knife in his hands. 


	13. Dead Serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Riku is willing to go to extremes when the situation is dire enough. In which Sora is willing to go to extremes when his patience has run thin enough.

I don’t know how long we’ve been standing like this or why the police haven’t noticed my possible impending death yet. Riku's long knife is pressed against my arm, but not enough to draw blood. I know Riku wouldn’t hurt me, so I'm not scared. He's going to get their attention, then make it seem like this is literally life or death. It kind of is, after all--right? I feel like it's a solid plan, to show them just how dead serious we are about not going back home. If the choice is between letting us go safe and having us totally flip out and hurt ourselves over the prospect of leaving... I mean, that's not really a choice, is it? They'll have to let us go.  
  
“Riku,” I gasp. I've never seen him like this. He's in a super-concentrated trance, eyes focused, body tense. Huffing a little, he finally lets me go. Looking at his disappointed, surprised face… it’s so weird. For the first time since we met, he actually sort of looks like a kid.  
  
“I can’t believe they didn’t come over,” he says.  
  
“Hey,” I say, after a second. "Sorry if I ruined your plan."  
  
“What?” He turns to me, and it takes me a moment to realize that he heard me, he just doesn’t get it.  
  
“Guess I could have been more convincing. Heh.” He’s not buying my smile. Neither am I.  
  
“You didn’t… It wasn’t…” he shakes his head. “Whatever. Let me think.”  He takes a seat over in a far corner.  
  
More than anything… I feel so bad for him. This is his whole life. He’s running from everything, everyone, and he’s been out here so long. He has so much to lose. If my mom takes me home, maybe I'll be able to regroup, see where my Dad might be, snoop for any hints of him around the house. I mean, she has to work, right? She can't watch me forever, and I can just… figure out other ways I can find my dad. But Riku… he'll be starting from square one after two whole years. If he even has any family to take him in.

Please, please don't let us be separated. We need each other.  
  
I glance over, trying to get all of these pitying thoughts out of my head. Riku can handle himself. He’s strong; the strongest person I’ve ever met. He seems to be doing miles better than he was when we were being loaded into the car. We've got this.  
  
"I'm not going to live with my aunt again," Riku says evenly, quietly, like the words weren't really meant for my ears. "I'm not going back there." Sounds like a survival mantra.  
  
“I’m not going to let anyone take you back there, okay?” I tell him, then instantly feel stupid. Man, who the hell do I think I am right now? Comforting Riku like he's a child scared of a monster? This is real life. The stakes are higher than some fake bogeyman hiding under the bed. “We have to get out of here. But how?"  
  
Like a man on a mission, Riku walks out of the room, dragging me alongside him. The knife is in his hands, his face is straight, as he walks up to the policemen, filling out paperwork by the phone in a small office near the front door.  
  
"We're not going anywhere," Riku says. He holds the knife to his bandaged arm. "I got hurt the other day, but I took care of myself because I wanted to survive. I'm telling you right now, the next person you contact won't make it in time to see us alive."  
  
I get a chill all the way down my body, but I remain standing strong and serious.  
  
The quiet cop stands, and Riku quickly takes a step back. He's still grabbed onto me, so I back up too.  
  
"Son," he says, very calmly. "Let's sit down and talk this out."  
  
"No," Riku responds. For once, that word sounds beautiful from him. "Let us go and we'll be out of your hair. Make us stay, and we're dead. You can wave your guns at us and hope it changes something or try to monitor us all day, but I don't know if we're really worth your time." We back up. They both stand. Riku takes a step back. Very quickly, he tucks my arm under his so he can switch the knife from one hand to another. To seal the deal, he slices the inside of his clean arm. I gasp and look away. I genuinely wasn't expecting that, I really wasn't, and he just does it like it's no big deal!  
  
"Son," the quiet cop says, reaching out. Riku draws back, almost knocking me over.  
  
"Don't _touch_ me!" He turns rapidly, bolting. We burst through the doors, more screwed than ever if we're caught. I just have to hope they won't call our bluff and come after us. I don't even want to know what they would do to Riku if they think he's a danger to himself, or to me.  
  
   
  
  
I think it's gotten to the point where we're still kind of safe traveling at the somewhat slower pace we're moving. The sun set a few minutes ago and I lazily walk along, Riku by my side. We've definitely headed back into no man's land... I haven't seen a house for the past couple of hours. But even that's an improvement from the police station.  
  
I put my hands into my jacket pockets, trying to warm my hands a bit. I still feel clammy from when the sheer nerves made me sweat like crazy.  
  
A light breeze kicks up and it makes me shiver, but it’s kind of nice too, after how hot it’s been. Everything’s nice out here, in a weird way. No houses, no people, no anything. Just me and Riku. I’m good with that for a while. Hopefully we can get some peace… I never want a repeat of this afternoon. The idea of being separated from Riku is too terrifying to even think about. Not just because I want to kiss him, not just because I think he's interesting (and frustrating) and I want to get to know him better.  I don't even think it's because I'm afraid for him, for his health and happiness.  I feel like if I leave him at this point, I'm abandoning some mission. Riku and I are tied together, regardless of whether or not we ever even become friends. We're in this together, and we're ending it together. Wasn't that kind of what Riku was implying to the police earlier, in a way?  
  
“You going to be okay?” I ask, but Riku doesn’t say anything. I can’t even imagine how he must be feeling… I’m really trying to back off even though just about every part of me wants to sling an arm around his shoulder and tell him it’s all going to be okay. The relief I feel is so huge, I wish I could break off a piece and give it to him. I'm still scared and by no means do I feel like we're out of the woods, but... it's better now that we're safe for now, side by side.  
  
It's so hard wrapping my head around everything that's happened so far... deciding to run away and leaving the very next day. Almost getting killed by a band of thugs. Saying goodbye to Donald and Goofy. Shoplifting. Man, having to stay in that creepy abandoned motel while the biggest storm I ever heard raged overhead...being hungry, thirsty and tired, my feet hurting, my wounds hurting, my head hurting, my throat hurting. Realizing that I will do anything to stay away from Mom. And I still don't know what any of it really, truly means.

Maybe I don't even want to find my Dad. Maybe I just needed to get out, and that was the opportunity I took.  
  
And then there's Mr. Hot-and-Cold over here, who's saved my ass multiple times, cared for me when was hurt, then sick, then scared, confides in me when pressed, gives me pointers, but otherwise acts like he could take me or leave me. I can't believe he hurt himself to prove a point to the cops--or maybe I can. I can't believe I almost lost him twice today. Did he really slice his arm open this morning, or did something else happen? And if he did do it to himself, like he said, I just can't figure out why he would do something like that. I'd kill to know what he said to the nurse to make her give him that antidepressant thing all willy-nilly like that.  
  
Which reminds me, I still have those tablets.  
  
What should I do? Do I see if he wants to give the medication a try after all or just let myself forget about it?

On one hand, this could really help him out. If Riku just does this... maybe he’ll act a little more human. But I think in order to get him to agree to any of this, I’d basically have to force him into it,  and that’s not really fair.... But he just automatically threw it out without even taking the time to consider it, and what if it really does help him? I just want to see some life in his eyes. In… I don’t know how many days, weeks, maybe even months, I have never seen him smile. Ever. I've never even seen him get close.

Well, there’s only one way to figure this whole mess out.  
  
“Riku?” I ask. “It’s getting sort of late. Do you think it’s time to call it a night? Maybe take those medications you got from the hospital?” Riku stops to think. I think he must have forgotten about them, too.  
  
“I threw those out,” he answers. I wait, teetering on the edge of not saying anything at all, torn between what’s right for him and what I know he actually wants.  
  
“I have them.”  
  
“What?” he asks sharply, turning around. Okay, Sora, time to start explaining yourself. Word-vomit everything you can think of. Now.  
  
“Don’t get mad, Riku, it’s just that I think it could help you. I mean, a doctor wouldn’t give it to you unless it would really help, right? I think you should at least take them once, just to see if it does anything. I just think it’d be better for you to maybe try and be...”  
  
“Normal?” he answers tightly. "Like everyone else?"  
  
“Yeah!"  
  
I wasn’t expecting Riku to look so offended, like I personally attacked him.  
  
“I’m not like everyone else,” he agrees. “After what other people have put me through, why would I want to be? If you want to know what I think... you decided something was wrong with me a long time ago, and now you're changing your view to fit whatever you want to think. I don't agree with that.”  
  
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you," I squeak.  
  
  
  
The night goes by fast. It feels like no sooner do I put my head down than Riku’s there, hovering over me, shaking me up. Man, I hate that.... According my watch it’s 5:50AM, which means we only got about four hours of sleep. Neither of us were tired last night, we were so jittery and buzzed, but four hours of sleep is going to be rough to travel on.  
  
I'm not incredibly surprised to see Riku sneak behind a particularly large, shady tree, away from the nearest road, for our first rest of the day. I open my backpack to pore over my out-of-date map, mourning our lost opportunity to get a new one. All of the empty plastic water bottles clunk together noisily as I dig around. I think we probably missed our chance to fill up on water for who knows how long. A part of me thinks about how we could still be leisurely making our way out of town if Riku hadn't hurt himself, or whatever. We could have taken our time and restocked as needed, instead of wasting an entire day and almost getting sent back home. Instead, it feels like we're going in circles.  
  
Then in my mind, I see Riku on the ground, pale and bloody and lifeless, and I feel absolutely sick for thinking this way. But that's another reason he should take the medication the doctor gave him. This isn't about him not being allowed to be himself. This is about getting him back on track. It's about making sure he's not going to let anything stand in his way, the way he was when we first met. It's scary to see how much he's deteriorated in the time we've known each other, and I'm just so mad he isn't doing anything about it. Why doesn't he care?! Why doesn't he talk to me? Why isn't he nice to me?  
  
Why doesn't he like me?  
  
I grab my dad's sweatshirt in my fist to pull it out, using my other hand to try and keep the water bottles from spilling everywhere. They're fine, but the photos Riku's been hoarding fly out onto the ground, leaving me rushing to collect them. Right... I'd totally forgotten those-- again. I look over my shoulder, at Riku sitting on the other side of this tree, and consider it safe to take a look for myself before returning them.  
  
The first one of the group shows a pretty, young, light-haired woman with bright green eyes, heavily pregnant and laughing, like the person taking the picture just cracked a good joke. Her coloring really reminds me of Riku's, although I think she's a little too blonde to be a perfect match. She’s sitting, but the camera guy must have been standing since the view is looking a little bit downward.  
  
I turn the picture over. There's a date printed that sets this sometime in 1987, the year before I was born. Next to the date someone's written something in pencil. I try to decipher the very tall, skinny cursive, but it's tricky. Anna is the first name. I squint a little, then nearly drop all the pictures on the ground again.  
  
It says _Anna & Riku_. July 1987. That must have been the year Riku was born... so the lady in this picture is his mom.  
  
No way! That's impossible... I flip the picture over again, inspecting it that much more closely now that I know who she is.  
  
Her long hair, swept effortlessly to one side, disappears behind her back. Her dress is a loud red, and her nails match perfectly from what I can tell. Dangling from her neck is a heavy chain with a crown pendent hanging from the center. The first word that comes to my mind is "fun", like her humor radiates off her.  
  
I glance up at Riku, who’s quiet and withdrawn. He was close to his mom. He also said she was ill. I don’t get it… this image doesn’t match the one I think I made up in my head.

I flip this photo to the end of the stack.

The second shows the same woman, sans baby bump, sheathed in a black floral dress. Next to her is a tall, slender guy, casual in a white t-shirt and jeans, holding a swaddled baby. This looks like another candid, because they're clearly engaged in conversation. I zero in on the kid. Definitely Riku. It has to be. He’s all pale skin and light hair, and no one else has those color eyes. Which means the man must be his father. This is so, so weird, but it's gotta be true. Riku and this man have the same nose and mouth, and the man’s got this intensity, this look in his eyes, that’s 100% Riku.  
  
But above all... he looks happy. They all do. How did this man turn into the alcoholic who didn’t care if his son came home?  
  
The same way my mom did, I guess… things happen. So crazy….  
  
The third looks like it was taken at an outdoor party. There are white and teal balloons tied to chairs and some small table settings, though the details are hard to make out. Riku's dad is in this one too, sitting with his hands folded in his lap. He's in a dark gray suit, his hair neatly pulled back. Riku's mom--Anna--sits across from him in a lacy, off-white dress, Riku on her lap. Riku's still an infant in this one, and seeing him in his mom's lap, dressed in a little blue suit, a chunk of white cake in his hand, is pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It's almost disgusting, really. Actually, this entire family is so attractive it's almost unfair.

Taking a second glance, though, Riku's the only thing that doesn't look staged; both his parents are standing straight and tall, smiling, looking at the camera. But they look happier in the picture where they're talking to each other, not even smiling, than they do in this one.

I move on.

The fourth picture is Riku, same age as the last, in his dad's arms. His dad's looking down at him, smiling, in mid-speech again. Talking to Riku. Seeing Riku beaming up at him, knowing now what would become of their relationship… the pain is a physical pang in my chest, and again I find myself aching for Riku. I pass this one by a little more quickly than the rest. The last photo of the bunch is of Anna, standing in the living room of a house, mouth open in faux-surprise, just generally goofing around. She looks even younger in this one, by maybe a year or so. Both of Riku's parents look like kids in these.  Nineteen, maybe even eighteen. Good genes, or were they really still teenagers when Riku was born?  
  
I jolt when Riku stands, flipping the pictures face down. I hold them up to him when he comes to collect me, and he looks alarmed. I bet he had no idea he left them behind.  
  
“You almost forgot these at the hospital," I say. "I'd have given them to you sooner, but didn’t really think of it until now.”  
  
"Did you look?" he asks. I feign confusion.  
  
"Nope."  
  
 As he takes them back, I wonder if he can see on my face everything I didn’t tell him.  
  
  
  
Two more days drag slowly by with little incident, if you don't count the fact that my nerves are shot. Since we were caught by the police, everything has changed. I'm so angry at myself for never feeling safe anymore. I'm angry at the police for doing their jobs. And I'm terrified, more than ever, all the time. And I hate that. It's the stupidest, most vicious cycle. 

I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night. I'm tired of jumping at shadows and looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of not looking strangers in the eye. I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being tired.

At least Riku seemed to be doing okay at first, but by the evening of day two he's really erratic again. I don't know if I'm going to get anger or silence from him at any given time, so I spend days three and four tiptoeing around him a bit. Which I wish I didn't have to do, but there you go. I wish I could just have a normal freaking conversation with him, but apparently that's a lot to ask.

Riku's moods shift like our surroundings. It's as hard to get used to angry silences as it is to utter isolation. As hard to get my hopes up over relatively pleasant conversations as it is to think I might be getting closer to Dad. I think I've gone from confusion to sympathy to anger and I hate what that says about me but then, I hate how Riku treats me. I'm disgusted with myself for falling in love with him after a whole of two seconds before I realized what I was in for. I don't regret staying with him. But I'm starting to seriously question my loyalty to him.

"Hey Riku, mind if we take a break soon?"

"Yes."

I frown.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. I thought you'd have more stamina by now. Don't ask me again."

I'm also starting to think that the medicine will come in _really handy_ right about now. So I might as well just come out with it. His quiet, slow-burning anger is too much. I would rather fight him. I want to fight him.  
  
“You should really take the pills that nurse gave you," I say, bypassing any pleasantries. "Trust me, you need them.” He lets out a disgusted sound, a little _eugh_.  
  
“I can't believe we're still talking about this. I said no, Sora."  
  
Okay, that’s enough. I’m going to win for once.  
  
"Just do it," I bark, making him turn and stare at me, bewildered. "Just do it _once_. It's not going to hurt you, Riku! God!" He grits his teeth, his fingers curl into fists at his side. He's gonna slug me, I just know it. I don't even care.  
  
"Fine," he spits. "If that will finally make you _fucking_ happy enough to quit nagging me _every second_ , I'll do it." I stand still, staring him down as if he said no. "Well?" he snaps, holding out his hand. I hesitate giving him the pack from my bag for a second, as if he'll... I don't know, throw them or step on them. But he really does give in, sliding the tablets out from their paper case and punching through the bottom of the plastic so the pill bursts out of the foil on top. He swallows the pill dry, turns, and walks away.  
  
  
  
To my surprise, Riku takes another one of the pills with our meager late-night dinner. In the morning, I catch him pop one more before he notices I'm already awake. Seeing him make this effort puts me in a slightly better mood than I've been in, but I think that feeling like I won for once doesn't exactly hurt.  
  
The change happens pretty quickly. I notice that Riku's slower to get going one morning, which I chalk up to maybe him feeling less urgent, less anxious. That hope is kind of killed, though, when I look at his face, the dark circles under his eyes, the way he shambles slowly... he doesn't come to a stop like he did when he was still battling that stomach bug forever ago, he just moves forward as if each step takes so much effort, it's a task just to take the next one.  
  
"So... how'd you sleep last night?" I try. Riku lets out a weak sigh that should be a scoff, a snort, an irritated _tch_.  
  
"I didn't." I frown.  
  
"Couldn't you fall asleep?"  
  
"No," he says slowly. "I couldn't."  
  
"Oh. Err... sorry."  
  
He shakes his head, taking off his jacket and pulling it over his head for some shade, which strikes me as weird because it's a little on the cloudy side today.    
  
Riku spends the day lethargic, uncomfortable, and irritable, but it's different from usual...  that drive I was hoping to see in him is gone, like it was never there in the first place. It gets me so anxious that I can hardly sleep at night. Every time my eyes blink open, I listen to Riku toss and turn, sigh, jolt awake after minutes, then calm down, until I can fall asleep again.  He was unpredictable before, but he wasn't this bad. I would have to be stupid to think the medication has nothing to do with it. I think it has everything to do with it.  
  
And I did this to him.  
  
I can’t believe how wrong I was. I shouldn't have said anything. Riku has been right about _everything_  so far. How could I possibly doubt him?  
  
“I’m sorry,” I croak, exhausted, as we lie awake under the lightening sky. He nods in vague recognition.  
  
What have I done?


	14. St. John's Wort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Side effects include trouble sleeping, vivid dreams, restlessness, anxiety, irritability, stomach upset, fatigue, dry mouth, dizziness, headache, skin rash, and tingling.

The moon looks low enough to touch, the black of night fades into a deep, bright blue. The first birds of the morning sing. They're already up. Maybe it's time for us, too. I check my watch as best as I can, but the dying light fades almost a second after I activate it.  
  
“Hey, Riku?” I whisper. "Let's get up. We might as well--right? Since we're awake?"  
  
"Right," he mouths, his voice little more than a quiet, painful croak. I feel groggy and slow as I climb to my feet, but in comparison to Riku, I'm fresh as a daisy. I watch him reach to unzip his bag, reaching for his medication, but I very gently intervene by placing a hand over his. I keep my voice low as I correct him.  
  
"I think you were right. Let's forget about the medication. I think that stopping will actually get you back to..." I almost say 'normal'. "Yourself."  
  
"Yeah," Riku says, dropping his hand. "Maybe."  
  
I hate when he just... agrees with me so easily. No matter how bad I thought he was before, this is worse. This is scary. And somehow it makes me doubt everything, too. I mean, if I really liked Riku and cared about him the way I've been saying, would I be so constantly annoyed at him for being himself? Would I get so mad at him over things he can't control? Would I have been so reluctant to take care of him when he was sick? If I trusted him, wouldn't I have stopped pushing by now?  
  
If I loved him, I think I would be happy to put up with all of it. Wouldn’t want to change him. And I don’t. But I do.  
  
Maybe nothing I did was for his own good. Maybe everything I did was out of desperation for acceptance. For a friend. To feel wanted. Maybe I was just being selfish.

But no more. I need to make this right. Starting with the lie I've been holding in for almost a week.  
  
“Hey, Riku?” I ask slowly. “I looked at your pictures. I know I said I didn't but... I just really didn't want you to be mad. I didn't know they were personal.”  
  
Get mad. Yell at me. Roll your eyes.  
  
“Yeah, okay,” he says.  
  
We don’t talk after that. While I feel like I'm going to explode, the world sits in its calmness. Birds chirp, wind rustles trees over our heads. And I don’t know what to do.  
  
  
The following morning marks day one post-medication. I wake up before Riku by seconds, and any fear that the drugs would need to take time to get out of his system is gone once he grabs my shoulder roughly, turning me onto my back. Good thing I was already awake, or else that would have scared the crap out of me. Riku's back--and pissed--but it's better than dead inside.  
  
"Get moving," he says, and I decide to dig my own grave.  
  
“Riku, I just want to say I'm sorry and tell you that you've got every right to be mad at me." I grab my backpack and rise, struggling a little bit to hook my arm through one of the straps for a second. "I thought it would help and it didn't. I really screwed up. I guess I just worry about you and sometimes that kind of overrides my common sense. I hope you'll forgive me.”  
  
His answer is a slap to the face. Literally.  
  
I yelp, nearly losing my balance, the whole right side of my face stinging like crazy. Okay, I really, really messed up, but I've never seen him this angry before. I feel like I've thought that exact phrase time and time again... when will it end? When he finally just beats the shit out of me and gets it over with?  
  
"That's why I _told you_ I didn't want to do it. Do you know how much time we've lost, with me being sick and you slowing us down all day? I knew that anything the doctor gave me would just slow us down. Do you think I don't know what I'm doing?"  
  
“I know, I know! I was wrong, okay? And I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so, sorry.” He takes a step closer to me, and I actually find myself inching back.  
  
"In more than two years on the streets, I've never even been _close_ to getting caught until you came around. You spend all day _pestering_ me about things that don't matter. Two years, Sora! How long do you think you've been out here? A month, _maybe_? What makes you think you have the right to question me when I tell you _exactly_ what you need to know?"  
  
"You don't tell me anything," I mumble mutinously.  
  
"I tell you everything!" he shouts. "If we were separated tomorrow, you would know how to survive on your own. Unless you've already forgotten everything I've told you over the past four weeks." He blows a heavy stream of air from his nose, turns, runs his fingers through his hair, like he just doesn't know what to do with himself. Or with me. Or to me. "I can't believe you stole my pictures." My breath catches in my chest.  
  
"I didn't steal them! I told you--"  
  
"Nothing's enough for you, is it? You don't want my food or water, so _what_ is it you're after? My life? My privacy?"  
  
"I didn't _know_ they were yours--"  
  
" _Shut up_! I'm done talking about this."  
  
"You never talk to me!" I wail, tired and scared and dangerously close to tears. "I never know what's going on! I'm scared and lonely all the time. I don't know what to do!" He snorts, disgusted.  
  
"Welcome to being a runaway. What else did you expect." He turns away from me, throwing one last jab in, one that makes me jump to my feet and retaliate. "You've been ungrateful from the start."  
  
“I've been _nice_ to you from the start! I'm sorry if you can't see that everything I've done is for you. I don't know anything you know! I can't give you advice or tell you how to do things, all I can do is try to make you happy. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I've been screwing it up. But you don't _talk to me_! I never know what I'm going to get with you, I don't know if you're going to be mad or... or sad or nothing at all. All I can do is take care of you when you're too sick to move and hope that you'll just tell me the truth _once_! Just once!"  
  
"This _is_ the truth, Sora. If you knew everything I'd seen, maybe you would just give up already."  
  
"Then tell me what you've seen!" I yell. "Don't act like you're so entitled just because you've had a hard life. So have I, and I don't spend all my time moping around. You're not tragic, you're a jerk, and you're impossible to get along with!"  
  
"Then go," he says, stalking off.  
  
I don't know what comes over me but I rush after him, pressing my hands to his back and pushing with what little force is still in me. Riku knocks me aside, to the ground, like I weigh nothing. Rolling his eyes like this is all some great inconvenience, he reaches to help me up but I shove him away, clumsily standing and regaining my balance-- only for Riku to turn and smack me, nearly sending me to the ground again. I hit him, he hits me back, I kick him, he shoves me, my blood boils and my head pounds. I feel like I'm going to explode in anger. I _am_ anger, there's no room for anything else right now.  
  
We end up on the ground, somehow, just trying to get as many hits in on each other as we can. Riku hits like a truck--I can see why that gang decided it was best to split once Riku showed up, because I swear he's rattling my brain around in my skull. I hurt, I'm bleeding hard, I want to give it all back to Riku for every crappy, awful thing he's made me feel. For every time he's lashed out unfairly, for the times he's left me in the dark, for every time he got my hopes up by being vulnerable then snapped out of it without any warning.  
  
One hard blow knocks the air out of me and I reach out blindly, my vision swimming. I swing once and miss, gasping for air, hoping to grab anything I can that will help me orient myself again. I think I end up with a hand on Riku's stomach, but for a moment I desperately grope, blinking hard, until the buzzing in my head fades and everything looks clear again. I end up a little awkward with my hand rushing down his side; even Riku stops there, face turned, breathing hard. Maybe I'm crazy, but... I think that's the beginning of a smile on his face. Huh… I've never seen him smile before.  
  
"Are you..." I ask, licking my lips. My voice is rough from yelling. "Um, are you ticklish?"  
  
"Yes," Riku wheezes. I run my hand down his side again, then lift my second hand, pinned under me uncomfortably, and ignore the pins and needles long enough to get his other side. "Sora--stop!"  
  
His smile turns to a grin, to a laughing fit, a coughing fit, then back to laughter. It makes me laugh too, long after I lower my hands and he crawls off me, falling to the ground. For minutes this goes on, the two of us bloody and battered and bruised, laying next to each other, my laughter making him laugh, his making me completely lose it...  
  
We keep going until our sides hurt as much as the rest of us and we can't breathe and tears steam down our cheeks.  
  
With every breath the tension fades, the knot in my stomach loosens and it gets harder and harder to stay mad. Somehow, I think we needed to get that out as much as we needed the anger. Maybe all we needed was catharsis, whatever form it decided to come in.  
  
"Look at your face," Riku says, still panting some. "You're a mess. Let's get you cleaned up."  
  
"Me?" I ask. "Ha--look at you!" Smiling a little, Riku pulls his bag to his side and pulls out his small box of first aid equipment. I frown when he opens it. He has hardly any gauze left...  "Hey, don't worry about me. You're hurt, so you should save what's left." Riku shakes his head, a little fondly if I'm not just projecting.  
  
"Don't be noble, Sora."  
  
"Noble nothing. I'm hardly even bleeding. Just a bit bruised." I shrug in a 'what can you do' sort of way, which earns me the quiet ghost of a laugh.  
  
"There's really no arguing with you, is there?" Gently, Riku takes my wrist, applying some stinging cream to a nasty skinned mess on my upper arm. I wince but try to keep quiet so Riku doesn't think I'm some sort of wimp. No use though--he definitely catches the look on my face, and it makes him shake his head again. I avert my eyes, accidentally zeroing in on the cut he gave himself at the police station. Red and a little puffy, it's going to scar for sure... I think Riku catches me looking, because he's a little awkward as he cleans himself and puts his first aid stuff back. "So what do you think?" Riku asks suddenly. "Have it in you to do a little more walking?"  
  
My creaking bones scream, "No!" as I stand from my place, but I nod anyway. Traveling sore and beaten and bruised... man, it feels like I'm back at square one.  
  
But maybe that means Riku and I can start things off right this time.  
  
  
  
Tonight when we get to sleep we happen to find a soft, grassy field. It makes for the most comfortable bed since that one night at the dumpy motel a week or so back. Okay, so it's still poky and itchy, but it really beats sleeping on concrete or dirt. The stars are all shining and twinkling overhead, making a really pretty sight. It's funny… I was never able to see the stars at night in my old home. There were too many other lights, from traffic and buildings, and they blocked out everything. I think before I was too caught up in exhaustion to really appreciate it, but it really is amazing out here sometimes.  
  
It's late. Really, really late. But even though we decided to turn in for the evening hours ago, we're both too wired to even be sleepy. Today was… too many things to even begin to name, and I'm just trying to clear my head from it all.  
  
Riku's eyes are closed and I see his chest rise and fall as he breathes, his body totally relaxed, just like when he's asleep. But I can tell that he’s not.  
  
“Hey,” I whisper. He opens one eye. "Is this what it was like for you at the beginning?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Just... I dunno. Feeling so many things, but just kind of being amazed by it all."  
  
"By being free?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"...Yeah."  
  
I watch his face for a moment before looking back up at the sky. It's the biggest cliche, but I feel so small right now, and that's what I need. To feel like all these huge problems around me really aren't worth much in the long run.  
  
"It's so nice tonight," I breathe, letting myself decompress. I haven't felt this light since I was a kid.  
  
"Mm." Riku sighs. "Beautiful, too."  
  
“You're not too bad yourself,” I blurt out, another joke gone wrong. He stares at me blankly for an excruciatingly long moment. I admit it, that was pretty cheesy. I stare right back until I feel myself blushing and have to look away in shame. Instead of challenging him, I decide it's best to look at the gorgeous stars and not the gorgeous boy. It's probably not healthy for my face to get any redder, and I think he's a little flushed, too, at this point. Beside me, I can hear him rustling around and shifting before settling down and curling up. I roll over on my stomach. “Good night, Riku.”  
  
“Good night,” he replies.  
  
I close my eyes, and I’m out.  
 

It's just annoying that the morning decides to come so soon. Maybe I'll have some time to sneak in a nap... I'm just tired from yesterday's outburst, physically and mentally and everything. I wonder if Riku’s as sore as I am.

I shift, becoming aware of the feel and smell old leather against my shoulder from the heavy sleeve of Riku's jacket. Weird... is his arm over me? I guess he's just as willing to make a change as I am, and I can't wait to start over. I shift from my stomach to my back as my arm starts to fall asleep, trying to disturb him as little as possible, but his arm slides off.  
  
Wait. Waking up a little more, I realize it’s not Riku but instead his jacket, gently draped over my shoulders. I slide my arms into the sleeves and curl up, burying my face into my arms. No wonder he never takes it off... it's worn to the point of softness and perfectly warm. I wonder how long Riku will let me wear it… I might have to steal it from him.  
  
Then it really hits me.  
  
Last time a morning started like this, something bad happened... I should check to make sure everything's as it should be before going back to sleep.  
  
I sit up, stretch, rub my eyes and look around.  
  
No orange duffel bag. No Riku.  
  
He’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so I'm bad at updating regularly. Sorry!


	15. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate plans are made.

Riku’s gone. Gone!  
  
I swallow hard past a massive lump in my throat, feeling like I'm floating, free-falling.  
  
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not now. Not now, when we've made so much progress with each other... We were going to start over, we were going to find my Dad, he was taking me west... everything was going to change...  
  
“Riku?” I call out, terrified, knowing fully well I won't get a response. “ _Riku_!” Quickly, I grab my things and scramble to get moving. Maybe he's not too far. Maybe I'll find him. It's completely possible that he just went for a walk, and he thought he'd let me sleep in, and he didn't think I'd wake up. But if he did… why would he have taken all of his stuff? Why wouldn’t he at least have given me some sort of warning or notice?

What if I slept too long and he just finally got fed up and decided he wasn't going to wait for me anymore? What if he decided he really does hate me, that I'm not worth the trouble? What if he really, really doesn't want me to find him?

I blink back tears, the tightness in my throat becoming almost unbearable.  
  
I can't think like that. I have to find him, so I will. At the very least, I have to ask him why he up and left like that. And if it turns out it's because he doesn't want me around… I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. It’s his life. I can’t make him like me. I can't make him want me.  
  
I start to run, but I don't know why. I run until my legs ache and my lungs hurt and my side cramps. I run past late morning stragglers, across a street where only one car slowly meanders my way, past trees and patches of fruit trees. I run until I step on my shoelaces and trip, slamming into the ground, bracing myself on my shoulder, injuring myself. After that, I don't get up. I don't feel like I can. I'm exhausted and, more than anything, I hurt. I thought Riku and I were a team. I thought we needed each other, but maybe I'm just the one who needed him. I don't know why people keep forcing themselves out of my life. My dad, and now Riku.

Maybe it is me.  
  
Maybe I should have just stayed at home with the two people who care about me, and resigned myself to knowing that at least mom liked me enough to not just kick me out.  
  
I've been trying so, so hard.  
  
I curl up, close my eyes, and sleep. There's nothing else I want to do right now. There's nothing else I can do.  
  
  
  
When I wake up, it’s past noon. I half-expect Riku to be nudging me awake, sighing and rolling his eyes, telling me to get moving, complaining that I fell asleep after we ate lunch. But at the same time, I'm not surprised to find that I'm just alone.  
  
Lunch... that reminds me, I should probably eat something, even though the thought of food is making my stomach churn. I know I really am hungry, and Riku would tell me that it's important to get all the calories I can so I have the strength to keep going.    
  
Man. Even _that_ bit doesn't sound appealing. I wish I could just curl up and sleep for days without having to worry or hurt. But I know that, more than ever, I just have to power through everything I'm feeling and focus in on my goals: to not go hungry, to find a map, to remember the name of the city, to get to my dad. Riku isn't here to tell me otherwise, so I'm just gonna go without refueling. Besides, he never ate anything, so it's hypocritical of him to push food at me, telling me to eat, to get my strength up, to keep all the weight on me I can. Then turn around and get mad at me for waking up hungry.  
  
I slowly rise to my feet, slinging my backpack onto my shoulder and beginning to walk again. Without anything else to think about, I count my steps. I try not to think. I listen, a lot. To the wind, to birds. I go on hyper alert when cars pass, every fifteen minutes or so, hearing them start out quiet then grow louder, softer again, then disappear. It gets funnier and funnier to me that I ever felt isolated when I was with Riku, because I don't think anything can compare to this. I don't even have someone to talk to who will just ignore me.  
  
Yeah, I miss Riku already, but really it's the abandonment that stings the most. I just have to keep going. I want to keep going.

I can do this. Alone.

  
  
  
Sora alone, day one, is more than weird. I don't feel self-conscious--at all. I break up the silence and general boringness of the day by walking forward, backward, humming to myself, talking to the few animals I see out and about. At three I finally settle, too hungry to ignore the pangs of hunger in my stomach. Okay, here it goes... time to be depressed at how little food I have, as if I haven't been used to it since before I ran away.  
  
I sit back against a fence meant to keep people like me away from a massive grove of orange trees and unzip my backpack. I give my dad's sweatshirt a squeeze then set it aside--only to find three large cans of tuna, five small bags of popcorn, a can of peaches, a packet of crackers, and a full water bottle.  
  
This can't be real... I swear we'd already eaten all the food Riku gave me to carry. That was how we were divvying things up... he'd give me that days' supply, and he'd keep the reserves in his bag.  
  
I frown. Why would he give me more food? Even miles away I just don't get him.  
  
"Riku?" I ask fruitlessly. Nothing but the buzzing of a fly, a truck passing.  
  
I pop open the can of tuna, trying to eat it without really tasting it. Sick of tuna, sick of canned fruit, but grateful to have something in my stomach. When I'm done, I leave the empty can behind me and follow the road down to where I think the truck came from. Of course, once I hit the turn it took, I'm not sure which way to keep going. I don't know how to avoid going in circles, or if I'm just coming back the way I came, if I'm going back into nothingness, away from the nearest town... but standing still won't get me any further either, so I'm just gonna have to do something.  
  
I go left at the turn, walking past a strawberry field I think I would've remembered passing earlier. If I really listen, I can hear a lot more traffic up ahead so that must be a good sign, too. There might be a freeway just a few miles up, but right now I'm in the middle of a lot of crisscrossing roads, four-way stops, and gates on all sides.  
  
The day drags, but dusk still seems to come quickly. I didn't realize how structured our days were, with Riku in charge. We were probably resting on the hour, eating every four or so. I mean, it wasn't a strict schedule or anything, but... I really took a lot of Riku's experience for granted. Now, it's my turn to see what I can do.

It's just weird to think that this might be my new normal. But then, I don't know if anything will really feel normal again. Not since Riku, not since I ran away. Not since mom’s lousy boyfriends came in and started thinking they could rule our family, not since the bullying at school started without any warning. The worst part is, I was really hoping Riku could right me again. I think I was depending on him to distract me. Maybe that’s why I was so obsessed with liking him, with finding out more about him... so I could focus on someone else's pain, or at least not have to think about my own.  
  
Sighing, I throw my backpack to the ground and drop next to it. Somehow I didn't notice how badly my feet hurt or this massive headache pounding away in my skull, so I just drink some water and prepare to call it a day for now.  
  


  
It's just after dark when I start awake. Instinctively I grab my backpack, but I don't know why. I hate feeling so uncovered and out in the open, even knowing that there's no one around for miles. Or at least, there won't be until morning. Someone's gotta take care of all this food, after all...  
  
Helpless and hopeless, I just try to fall back asleep, even though my eyes keep popping open no matter how hard I try to shut them and keep them that way.

The first couple of nights without my dad were like this. I remember waking up in tears, lonely and afraid, almost every night for a month. It was sometime at the end of the first week that it really hit me that Dad probably wasn't coming back. That I couldn't just wake him up anymore when I had a nightmare, that he'd never stay up and watch TV with me until I could shake the scary afterimages. That he'd never pick me up and let me rest with my head on his shoulder or just sit at the foot of my bed until I fell asleep. That I was alone.  
  
Honestly, I'd give anything to watch Riku sleep again, to just stare at his back, wishing he were awake, too.  
  
I can sleep through the day tomorrow. Right now, I'm just going stir crazy. I really need to just... go.

 

  
Two hours later, and I'm hit with my first wave of deja vu since passing those mobile homes forever ago. This alley looks scarily close to the one I was almost killed in, so my adrenaline is spiking as if I'm on the run. But I'm safe. I know I am. So I resist the urge to run and slow instead, listening carefully for any movement, my eyes darting... I'm so glad there are no clouds so I can actually see in the moonlight, which means I can watch for people or animals or... whatever else.

I slow to a sluggish tiptoe when I hear someone talking. Cautiously, I peek my head around the corner to see what's going on... and hope I don't regret it.  
  
What I see makes me gasp and almost choke on my breath trying to silence myself. The figure sitting casually against a wall is unmistakable.  
  
Riku.  
  
It's all I can do not to bolt out from my hiding place and tackle him. I want to... I don't even know. I want to kiss him a hundred times then punch him in the face a hundred more. I start toward him a single step before a loud voice makes me jump back.  
  
"Fuck!"  
  
The yell seems impossibly loud in the night; for some reason, my face flushes. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm scared to look back so I don't, I just stand here still, with my back against the wall, staring at the ground, hoping no one notices me. That was definitely _not_ Riku. And what's worse, it sounds kinda familiar, but I can't put my finger on it. It just gives me a bad, bad feeling in the deepest part of my gut.  
  
When no one says anything more, I very slowly turn to look again.  
  
Wait, am I crazy, or....  
  
It's the gang again! Or... just the leader, it looks like.  So this _must_ be the same alley... but how? How did I end up back here?  
  
I stop, stop everything, stop breathing, listening closely to what they’re saying and hoping I won’t be seen. The leader is standing over Riku, talking lowly while Riku stares ahead fixedly as if he's trying not to hear. Suddenly his head snaps up, and his eyes are blazing. Something the guy said got Riku's attention, and it wasn't good. I can see Riku thinking, wondering whether to react or not. In the end he doesn't take whatever bait was being dangled in front of him, keeping his composure and not budging an inch. Finally, the guy kneels next to him and gets really close, right up in Riku’s face. The sight makes something in my gut twist and feel absolutely sick. He puts a hand on Riku's shoulder in a rough grip. From my angle, him touching Riku is the only thing I can see--except maybe red.

I curl my fingers into fists, nails digging into my palms. Anger threatens to swallow me alive. Get _off_ him. Get the _hell_ _away_ from him. _Don't touch him_.

Why isn't Riku shaking him off? Why isn't he doing anything? Did he decide it was easier not to feel and go back on the medication? Unless... this isn't bothering Riku. Unless Riku wasn't looking to get away from me, but back to them... What if this guy is just re-recruiting Riku, or hazing him? What if Riku decides it's easier--better--to go back? That he'd rather be confined with them than free with me?

My hands loosen on their own, falling limply by my sides, like I just don't have the strength.

He was constantly threatening to leave without me. This time he actually did it. Mystery solved. I was deluded to think that Riku would ever choose to stay and have to take care of me all the time. I mean, isn't every alternative so much more appealing?

This is such a joke. I should just go. I'm in danger just being this close. Still, I can't help but steal one last look at Riku, since I'll probably never see him again. It's so stupid, but I wish I could say goodbye.

I turn just in time to watch as the guy cups Riku's chin in his massive hand. Ugh, gross. He runs a finger across Riku's lip before pushing it in his mouth, which makes me want to lose my lunch. Riku jolts back, slamming into an aluminum trash can; the clatter makes my ears ring and I wince. When I open my eyes again Riku's trying to get to his feet, but the guy takes his wrist and yanks him back to the ground. 

Wait... something isn’t right.

The guy reaches for something behind him, but right in my field of vision. It could be a trick of the light but... is that a gun?  My breath catches in my throat as he takes it out from its hiding place, slung in his jeans, and slides the tip of the barrel between Riku's lips, still talking.

I have to do something. Riku’s just going to let this happen, but I can't stand back and let him get hurt--or worse.  
  
My heart drops to the floor when I hear gunfire before I realize something huge... and even more confusing. Riku is sitting in front of me, stunned and ruffled but alive.The guy is sprawled on the ground, and I'm looming over him, firm and steady on my feet.  
  
....Did I just tackle the leader of a gang? 

For a moment Riku and I just stare at each other, wide-eyed, the both of us equally shocked by my nerve. I shouldn't be surprised when the guy turns and slams into me, but it knocks the air out of my lungs anyway.

"It doesn’t usually take me two tries," he says, pinning me, but it's clear that he could give a crap. He's focusing on Riku, even as his grip find its way to my throat, threatening to choke the life out of me. "Gonna give me a hand here?" Riku is quiet and unmoving. That's when the guy starts squeezing, slowly easing on more and more pressure like a python wrapping around its prey. The realization hits me like a wave, cold dread running through me as I try not to panic. I may have found Riku… but I’m still on my own.  
  
So I do whatever I can to get him off me: I hit and kick and squirm, use teeth and nails and fists. I’m wondering how long it’ll take for him to remember that he’s armed, or if he's getting some sick pleasure from doing this with his bare hands. I put my hand over his, digging my nails deep into his skin, but he doesn't even seem to notice. With my other free hand I reach for his face, slamming my hand over his nose. That gets him to let go but I'm only off the hook for a second before he takes my wrist and  _twists_ as he slams my arm to the ground. I shriek in pain, kicking out but missing, and he just laughs. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to focus too hard on the sick throbbing in my arm. I wonder if anything's sprained or broken. Or if it's even gonna matter in a few minutes. I open my eyes a split second too late, missing whatever was about to happen that was apparently bad enough to make Riku step in. Riku sends a knee into this monster's side, knocking him away from me, and throws himself into the fray to get a few blows in. Desperately, I use my in-tact arm to scoot my body away then scramble to my feet as best as I can, breathing hard and rubbing my aching neck. I'm still in shock, my knees shaking, making it hard to balance.

Everything else just happens so  _fast_. Suddenly they're both standing and the guy swings at Riku, fist making contact with Riku's face, causing him to stagger back. I stand helpless, not knowing what to do but wishing I could intervene as Riku retaliates, acting so quickly my brain has to work overtime to catch up--but I can't think now, I just gotta do _anything I can_. I bolt forward, about two steps from getting right into the middle of it when they both take a step back. My sudden stop almost sends me flying forward, sprawled onto the ground, but I catch myself just in time. Neither of them even pay me any mind. For the first time, I feel like I've really intruded on something way beyond my understanding.

“It's gonna be real good next time,” the guy says to Riku instead of striking. Their eyes are locked as he wipes blood from his nose. “When your little boyfriends’s not around to save you, we’ll finish this. I'll wait. You're always fucking coming back.”

They both take a few steps back, Riku's longer and more uncertain, the leader's purposeful. I don't know what becomes of him; Riku bolts, and I follow.

 

Riku probably didn't want me to, but I kind of trail after him for a little while, just close enough to keep him in my line of vision. Still, he doesn't look at all surprised to see me next to him when he sits down and curls up. It's maybe as much as an hour before I speak, because I need every last second to even myself out again. I don't want my emotions to bubble over, I just want to be calm. As calm as I can be. Today was the worst rollercoaster ever.

"...Riku?" I ask. "Why'd you..." I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. I can't start crying--not now. "Why'd you go?"

"You wouldn't understand," he says, maddeningly. I frown, stare down at the dirt ground beneath us.

"Is it me? Do you not like me?" He says nothing. "You can tell me. I can take it."

"It's not you."

"Okay." I swallow hard again, sure Riku can hear me, but he doesn't look over. "Did you want to die?" That gets his attention. He stares at me wide-eyed, like he just can't figure me out.

"Sora--I--no! No, why do you keep asking things like that?" I can't even shrug.

"You were just sitting there. You didn't fight him until he attacked me." My voice wavers, but I feel numb. "I thought he was going to kill you."

"You wouldn't understand," he repeats. Then I'm like a volcano--my anger spews out from some hidden place inside me. I'm on my feet, yelling.

“Then tell me! Then stop hiding things from me! I'm not an idiot, I've been through things you don't know, too. What are you so afraid of?"

"I never told you to come find me," Riku says after a tense silence. "I never told you to follow me."

"Fine," I snarl, stooping to grab my backpack and get the hell out of here.

"Wait!" Riku sounds panicked, his shout coming when I'm only about two feet away. "I didn't mean that. You can still come with me."

"We can still go west? To find my dad?" I ask, but it's not a question. If he says no, I'm gone.

"Yes. Of course. Next time we're in town, we'll grab a map and make a plan."

Just like that, the anger dissipates. I feel like a balloon with the air let out, but it's a relief, like I was just full of anger and hurt but now I'm empty and ready to start over again. I drop my bag and sit closer to Riku, bridging the gap by maybe a foot or so. It looks like we're on the same page. Finally.

"So..." I start, losing nerve and trailing off, then gaining it again. "Are you going to tell me why you left?"

"Sora, no,"   Riku snaps. "God, I just don't get you!"

"Why not?" I lash back. "Why do you have to hide things from me? I've been upfront with you from the start, I've been honest, I've never hurt you... what do you really think I don't understand? Sometimes I feel like _you_ just don't understand. You don't know how hard it is for me. I don't know if I'll ever find my dad, and every day I just have to sit and worry and think about what will happen if he doesn't want me, or I'll just think about my crush on you and hope that it goes away, and I just--don't know--try to be as good as I can--I just want to _help_ \--" I stop to gasp for breath, tears of frustration threatening to spill out of me. And after I was feeling so good too, for all of thirty seconds.

Riku is staring at me, mystified, when I look up. He's examining me like he's just never seen anything quite like me and I'm wondering what I said that I haven't said a thousand times before already...

And it hits me.

…What _did_ I just say?

Did I just tell him I like him?

I squeeze my eyes shut, replaying the last few minutes in my head as best as I can.

...I did. I said I have a crush on him--to his face. My hand flies to my mouth. No. _No_! I want to take it back, I want to go back in time and stop myself from ever saying anything... He had to have had some kind of hint about how I felt, but this isn't how I would have told him... I don't think I ever would have told him...

I squeeze the hand over my mouth and finally everything that I’ve been feeling for months rushes out of me as I break into sobs, head in my hands. I must look… I don’t even know. So pathetic. I feel pathetic.

Riku places a very, very hesitant hand on my shoulder.

“Ri--” I gasp, hiccupping. “Riku--I want to talk--” He doesn't respond further, to anything I've said. He just places his fingertips over my mouth and stands, pulling me up by my hood.  
  
“Come on,” is all he says. But it's gentle, the gentlest I've heard him. After I stop trying to protest he removes his hand, only to set it back on my shoulder as we walk. “Let’s just get some sleep. It's been a long day, and everything else can wait until morning."

"Riku--"

"Come on," he repeats. "There's some shelter just a little further from here, so we should be covered for the night... if I had to guess, I'd say it's almost three in the morning, so we should really just focus on getting some rest."

We wind through a dark, small space between a building and a wall that doesn't seem to serve any purpose, squeezing through until we spill out into a more spacious area that's still pretty closed up and hidden away. I follow Riku's lead when he decides to sit, but as tired as I am, I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep again.

"You need rest," Riku urges. Watching him closely, I lay on my back--mostly to humor him. "Sora." Begrudgingly, I shift onto my side for a more comfortable position. A wave of drowsiness washes over me, almost carrying me away. But I need to stay awake.

"Are you going to be here when I wake up?" I ask, voice rough. A moment of dead silence passes.

"Yes," Riku says finally. Blindly, I reach out behind me, hand open. It's another moment of nothing, but eventually I feel Riku's warm, gloveless hand take mine. He says nothing more. He doesn't even settle, remaining seated by my side instead of getting any rest himself.

Or at least, not before I finally slip into sleep.


	16. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward conversations.

I wake up in a panic, feeling in my gut that I'm going to be alone again--only to find Riku sleeping soundly not two feet away from me. Still feeling uneasy and struggling just to keep my eyes open, I settle on my side and watch him. I can't believe he's still here, after all that stupid stuff I said last night. I'm disgusting. He should be repulsed to even be near me. I really lost myself out here, as if liking him is okay. What happens if I find my dad and have to go back to being around people? I can't just run around getting crushes on boys. This is all such a mess. I wish none of it had happened in the first place.

In his sleep, Riku turns, making a low, guttural sound that startles me. His eyes blink open, and I'm just a few seconds too late to pretend I'm still sleeping too. So I just... awkwardly avoid him for as long as I can. I don't want him to bring last night up. Honestly, I would be fine pretending that it never even happened. But that won't work, will it? I need to know where we stand, and I need to be the one to get the ball rolling. Just for the sake of my pride. Or something. Maybe if I just play it cool, I'll seem cool. And maybe if I seem cool, I'll feel cool. Deep breath, and--

Riku's the first to speak, beating me by seconds.

"We should get moving," he says quietly. "C'mon, Sora." Mustering all my courage, I look at him and assert myself.

“You said we could talk about this," I say, sounding stronger than I feel. Riku just nods, like he’s not even surprised. Together we sit up and readjust, settling a few feet apart, facing each other. No distractions, just him and me looking each other right in the eye and _talking_.

Well… here goes nothing.

“I just need to know why.” Riku beats me to the punch again, all business as usual.

“We need to set some things straight.”

Riku smiles a little dryly at that, shaking his head.

"Sorry. I meant, why do you like me so much?” ...Oh. I’m bright red, like I'm surprised this is being brought up, but I don’t stop looking at him.

“I just… do?” My response is a little pathetic; I’m cringing inside, but I don't know how to sum up how I feel about him in words. And even if I could, it's just weird to gush about him to his face. “You’re smart and look out for me. I respect you a lot, and I think you're interesting to talk to. Mostly, I guess I just know you're a really good person and I really like and respect that.” He looks dubious.

“How do you know that?”

“I just do,” I repeat, then think better of it. “I see it all the time. Mean people don’t save the lives of people they don’t even know. They don't comfort other people when they're scared.” Riku frowns at that.

“I don’t want this all to be because you think you owe me or something.” Huh… that’s interesting.

“Well, I do owe you.” Riku looks away, shaking his head. “But that’s not it. I just feel really drawn to you. I like being with you and I don’t want us to be apart again.” We let that sit between us in immense awkwardness. There are a million things I want to say that I know aren’t going to come out of my mouth right, and so many things I still _can’t_ say. Like how badly I want to kiss and touch him and sleep curled up together like we did that one night in the motel.

“Don’t!" Riku says harshly and I freeze, staring at him, totally bewildered. I drop my hand, only now aware I even raised it.

Oh--I was about to scratch at a skinned patch on my arm that’s started to scab over. It didn't even occur to me that I'm still healing... and probably look even worse, after all the beatings I've had to put up with in the past few days. Now that we're in daylight, I see the apparent damage that was done to Riku last night too, and it's not pretty. There's a massive bruise on the side of his face and a faded trail of blood under his nose. And that's not even mentioning the gash already on his arm from last week or so… man, we must really be a sight.

On that note, seeing Riku in just a T-shirt and jeans is a pretty weird sight so I return his jacket before I can forget. He takes it gladly, but I hit him with my first question before he gets the chance to slide it on.

“Let me know if this is too much, but can I see your arms?” I ask. "So I can see if you're healing okay?"

Riku looks me up and down for a moment, unsure, as he holds his bare arms out to me. The first thing I notice is that the bandage on his left arm is new: white, clean, and totally pristine. There are no new marks aside from the one from the police station. Good... that's a great sign.

Slowly, I put my hand on his unbandaged arm and trace over his scars with my index finger. I can't believe there's so many. Thick and thin, short and long, angry pink and faded, shining white. Even if they're faint, it's so, so terrible. I hurt so bad for him.

“What's this from?” I ask about a particularly gruesome one that starts from the side of his wrist and doesn’t stop for almost two inches. It looks deep, like the one that sent him to the hospital.

“I really don't remember where every single one came from,” Riku recites. Okay, I guess I hit him too close to home… Riku… who the hell are you?

“Did you do it to yourself?” I ask. He rolls his eyes, but his next question is surprisingly sincere.

"Why do you even care about all this? What does it all matter?”

I want to ask, why does it surprise you that someone cares? But the thing is, if I were in his shoes... I think I'd be surprised too. I need to keep reminding myself that even though I had a few friends I could count on, Riku had absolutely no one. This is totally new to him. All I can do is be honest, and patient, and hope he opens up in time.

“Because if you tell me about it, maybe I’ll know how to understand you," I tell him. "And, you know, how I should be around you." I hope that one sinks in, but with my luck...

“I don’t want to be treated differently just because of my past,” Riku insists earnestly. But I have to say, I don't really believe him. Or at least, he's got some hang-ups that very much make it impossible to treat him like I'd treat anyone else, and I need to know what those are.

“...it’s hard, okay? You send out a lot of different signals sometimes. Maybe if you learn to talk about what’s upsetting you, you’ll feel better.” He stares at me in disbelief. “You know, like you have less weight to carry because you can trust someone.” His eyes trail my finger as it begins tracing the lines and marks on his body again. “I really am sorry, by the way. About the medication, and the pictures. I get that I need to trust you, too.”

“It’s fine.” Gently he pulls his arms back to his sides, sliding them out of my grip. The moment's over, so I move on.

“Can I ask how old you were in those pictures?”

“Two,” Riku answers. Huh. I'm surprised he gives it to me so easily.

“And those people are your parents.”

“Right.”

“Yeah,” I uselessly agree. “You look just like them.” He makes a weird, indecipherable sound at that. I don’t even ask. “The one where you’re outside with that cake, was that your birthday party?”

“It was my parents’ wedding,” he says. I think he takes my look of surprise the wrong way, because he clarifies pretty quickly, with a flippant, “Yeah, I’m literally a bastard.” We both kind of smile and something like a small laugh escapes him, even though it’s not really all that funny.

“How old were they?”

“My mom was eighteen. I think my dad was, too. Eighteen or nineteen.”

“So they were only like, sixteen when you…” I say. He scowls.

“Yeah. I know it’s not… I know that situation isn’t what anyone wants, but we were a family.” He shakes his head as if trying to rid a thought from his head. “They were very different people before they had to shuck me off to my grandparents. The summer before I was sent away, Nathan started to teach me how to swim. He was going to teach me how to read too, and I think he started, but he ran out of time to finish. I spent all my time with him… sometimes when my mom tried to hold me, I would fuss until Nathan came over and picked me up instead. I mean, I loved her too, though. Obviously.

"...Nathan?” I ask. He looks taken aback for some reason.

“Sorry... guess I'm used to people just knowing." He shoots me a look, adding a little self-deprecatingly, "Small town kid. Anyway, Nathan is my dad.”

“Oh.” Being able to put a name _and_ a face to the man responsible for at least some of Riku's scars is really strange. So is realizing that, at one time, he might even have been as happy and as good of a dad as he looked in those old pictures. It's a reminder that he's a human and not a monster, even if I'm not sure I'll ever be able to see him as anything other than a boogeyman, some thief that stole Riku's sense of safety and ability to trust. "That's… really hard. Knowing that things were different once." Riku shrugs, like it doesn't make a difference.

“I don’t remember any of it, to be honest. I only know what it was like because Mom told me when I was a kid."

“How long did you live with your grandparents?” I ask, desperate to switch gears. Knowing what Riku’s family was like at one time and how they turned out in the end… it’s almost too much for me to handle.

“Few years,” Riku replies. “Then I was sent to my aunt’s.” That’s right… when we were at the police station he mentioned something about not wanting to go back to his aunt. I try to think back to what he told me that one night… he went from his grandparent's to his aunt's, then ran away to find his parents. I wonder who actually has custody of him.

Man, that's complicated. At least it was just me and my mom, plus her revolving door of jerkish boyfriends. At least there's no questioning who would take care of me or take me in if I had to go back home… even if the answer to that question isn't a very good one...

“Can I ask why you didn't get to live with your parents when you were little?” I ask, very gently. His eyes flick up to meet mine, then he's staring at the ground, a little tense.

“They just couldn’t afford to take me in. They were young and struggling.” I let that sit for a moment. It sounds like they didn't want to give him up in the first place, but his dad didn't want to take him back in just now... are they still so poorly off that he thought this would be better? Or did his dad really just have a change of heart somewhere along the line and decide he wanted nothing to do with his son?

I don't know which fear I can relate to more. They both hit close to home.

"There was a picture just of your mom," I ask next. "Do you know how old she was there?" Riku shrugs.

"No, I don't. Maybe fourteen?"

Fourteen... my age. In two more years, she would have a kid. Another two, she'd be married. I wonder when her mental health started to deteriorate, or if she was always...

Man, I can't even imagine it.

“I’m sorry.” I place a gentle hand on his shoulder before brushing his hair behind his back.

“Don’t touch me,” he snaps, lurching away from me. I drop my hand back into my lap immediately. Okay, so this is how it’s gonna be. Bye, sane person. Hi Riku.

“Sorry?” It's not exactly smooth, I know. I'm just surprised by his total emotional 180. I wonder if I’m going to get any more information out of him. Probably not, but it’s worth a try. “Hey, Riku.”

“What?”

“Now that you know how I feel, do you trust me now? Even just a little?"

“Would you quit asking?" he barks. I don't know why the outburst surprises me. It shouldn't. I should be used to this. But I still end up drawing back, feeling bashful and a little hurt. Riku seems to regret it when he sees, which is a little bit of a consolation. His voice is extra gentle when he speaks up again. "Come on, Sora. Let's…" He sighs heavily. "Let's get moving. Okay?"

"Yeah." But neither of us get up quite yet--I'm waiting for him, and I think he might be waiting for me. His next words almost bowl me over.

“Anything else before we go?” I feel my eyebrows jump. Is this some kind of trick? Is he just gonna yell at me again? There are still so many things I still want to ask him but I know I shouldn’t. I really want to know if he could ever like guys. If he's ever... done anything with someone. Been in a relationship, I guess. How do I broach this...

"Have you ever..." I start, mouth suddenly dry; I cough into my shoulder to loosen some dust from my throat. "I mean. Last night, that guy... you knew each other."

Riku nods once. "Right."

"He was... he was sitting really close to you and he was. Um. He was touching you. And I guess I just wonder if you... and him... at any point--"

"No." His answer is decisive but not harsh, and I don't get the idea that he wants me to stop, per se.

"There was nothing going on between you," I confirm.

"Yeah," Riku replies. "I think at some point, when we first met, he was interested. But not me."

"Do you think you could ever be interested... not in him... but..."

"In another guy?" Riku supplies, giving me this frustrating smug look. "I don't know. Maybe. I just don't think about this kind of thing a lot."

"Have you been with someone before? Like in a relationship?" Riku snorts at that one.

"What, are you stupid? Of course not." I laugh, but I'm not deterred.

"Are you a... um. I mean, have you ever done... are you..." He lets me flounder for a few minutes before deciding to help me out.

"A virgin?" he asks. "Is that what you're trying to say?" I stare at the ground, reddening. "Yeah, I am. Like I said, I just don't think about that kind of thing a lot."

I nod, relieved that Riku’s not mad at me over my invasive line of questioning… in fact, he shoots me an almost-smile before telling me to hurry up and get ready to go.

We stand, stretching, until Riku seems to bolt off. I snatch up my backpack and run the few steps it takes for me to catch up with him. Then I match his stride.

“Where’s the fire, Riku?” I ask. He doesn’t say anything. In fact, he doesn't acknowledge me for a long time. Okay then...

 

I let all of the information Riku gave me roll around in my head a bit throughout the day, until the afternoon gets too swelteringly hot for me to think straight. And I _mean_ hot. Heat rises up through my shoes and socks and clings to the back of my shirt, burning me. I'm sweating bullets out here, and when I glance to my left, I notice that Riku looks as awful as I feel. He’s barely dragging along. Figures… he never takes off that stupid jacket!

When it come times for lunch we retreat from the sun and find haven in the shade of a single-story building. It's way too hot to go any further... I wonder if Riku will want to call it a day early, but it could really go either way. I never know if he's going to be sensible or not.

We eat as much as we can with the heat killing our appetites and let ourselves drink more water at a time than usual. We'll really need to stock up soon, though... I can't help but notice that we're down to the last of the tuna and completely out of fruit. And with this kind of weather, we’re gonna be downing our water like our lives depend on it. Which they do.

I'm sloshing a little water in my mouth, letting myself enjoy the feeling of moisture on my tongue and between my teeth, when Riku stands.

"I'll be back," Riku says, walking off, which makes me a little nervous. If he ditches me again...

I don’t take my eyes off him even once. I’m not even sure if I even blink. In the distance, he takes his jacket off before disappearing from my sight entirely. Well, that’s one thing. I don't know how he can wear so many layers when it’s a billion degrees out…

At first I figure I'll leave him alone, but ten minutes pass, then fifteen… then I start to worry. I wish I’d asked where he was going, how long he’d be... I can’t even imagine what he might be doing. I try as best as I can to retrace his footsteps, which isn't super hard because he stalked off pretty much in a straight line. 

Ah--there he is! I’m trying not to sneak up on him but I still don’t think he notices me, even as I get closer to him. Riku's pretty concentrated, sitting cross-legged with all of his first aid equipment spread out around him. He's bleeding from the gash on his arm, his old bandages discarded about a foot away, just laying there on the ground.

I really hope he didn't do anything to make his wound reopen. I should have asked about what happened to his arm again when I still had my chance, 'cause I get the feeling that Riku's not gonna be up for sharing again anytime soon.

"You okay?" I ask, taking a seat next to him.

"I'm fine,” he says, sounding slightly harried, like I caught him doing something he shouldn't be doing. “Can't you be left alone for two minutes?"

"More like two hours,” I reply, glancing at the blood dripping down his arm. “Can’t you?”

"I'm just trying to clean up."

"You didn't have to leave... Let me help."

The look he shoots me is an obvious "no", so I begrudgingly leave him to finish wiping the blood off his arm and wash up with an antiseptic pad uninterrupted. Surprisingly, he lets me help reapply the bandages, which is honestly all I want: to feel useful for once.

After that, we're off once again.

 

The sun is high, high in the sky and it’s still way too hot out to be walking like this… I wish Riku would let us call it a day early so we could just sleep through the worst of it. My lips are chapped and my skin is dry, my knuckles are sore and I know they’re just waiting to start bleeding. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss that warm, stuffy, muggy wetness we had to trudge through a few weeks ago.

I take off my sweater and throw it in my backpack. Screw it… I take off my shirt, too, tossing it over my shoulder and letting it sit there as I keep moving. At this point I don’t care if I get burnt as long as my clothes quit sticking to the sweat on my body.

“It's going to get harder to find shade the farther into the summer we get..." Riku says, slowing as we pass by a small store. "You wanna go and be distracting so I can get us some water and sunscreen?”

I frown, but nod anyway. I know he's been running away for a long time, but when he talks about stealing like there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, I can’t help but feel a little on edge. But we need to do what we need to do to survive out here. There’s no way around it. And I'm ready to do whatever it'll take.

"Should I ask for a map?" I ask. Riku shakes his head.

"He might remember you asking if we're caught and reported. It could blow our cover." I shrug. Makes sense.

I’m halfway through the door when I hear Riku behind me, chastising. “You might want to put on some clothes first, unless you want to look like you’re soliciting, but that's up to you.” I pull my shirt back over my head, not totally sure what he means by that, and continue on my way. Riku stays behind, probably to make it look like we aren’t together.

Six or so large fans on full blast provide instant relief from the scorching heat outside, and already I’m beginning to feel a little more like myself.

"It's really hot today," I say to the guy behind the counter immediately to my left. He agrees. Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. "Do you have any ice?"

"Yeah," he says. "If you look over there by the employees only door, you'll see a freezer. Ice bags are at the far end."

"Great. Are they ice packs or full bags?" If I were him, I'd tell me to go look for myself. But he remains patient and smiling. I kinda feel bad about stealing from him. He seems really nice.

"If you want ice packs, they're over in the back with the sports supplies."

"Great." I pause, looking around. I can see Riku pulling things from the shelves to his bag, slowly, subtly. "…Do you carry ice cream?"

And so on. I keep asking until Riku looks over at me and nods. "…Thanks," I tell the guy. "Sorry to waste your time. I'm just waiting for my friend, really."

He shrugs. "It's a slow day, anyway."

“Hey!” Riku says walking up to us, smiling. _Smiling!_

“Riku!” I say, sounding more thankful than I mean to. "You're here. Cool, let's go." I wave goodbye as we leave, a bell chiming behind us as the door opens and shuts. Riku’s smile fades as he begins walking faster, and I find myself rushing to keep up. Sometimes I wonder if he's purposely trying to lose me, or if he’s just oblivious.

“Come on,” he says, sounding serious, smile long gone. It’s still a slap in the face how his moods can swing like that. He's just a really good actor, I guess...

 We gear up but never stop walking, which is making this whole balancing-backpacks-taking-off-jackets-rubbing-on-sunscreen thing really difficult. When we finish up and get our bearings together Riku stops, turning back to look at me. I’m _really_ not liking the stern look on his face. Ugh, what did I do now...

“…What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Don’t ever use my name again. Make something up, or don’t address me at all. I don't need to make myself known to the whole world. If someone thinks that they recognize me and you come along and confirm it? That’d ruin everything.”

“Sorry, I didn’t think of that.” Again I’m embarrassed, even though there’s no way I would have known that. Riku seems to calm down quickly though, brushing the whole matter off with a half-hearted “it’s fine”.

"Look," he says again, and for a second I'm afraid I'm in for another lecture. "I'm really doing my best." Um, okay.

"I know you are, Riku. It's totally okay."

"No-- I mean-- I'm really doing my best to prepare you for what's out here. If there's any reason you think... you couldn't survive on your own, you have to let me know. You have an end goal. I don't. I'm probably going to die out here."

Whoa! Where’d that come from? Okay, so Riku isn’t normally all sunshine and rainbows but jeez! What goes on in his head?

“…What are you talking about?” I ask. He’s too calm about this. I don’t like it.

"Everything ends, Sora."

Riku, this is not the epiphany you should be having now. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I always derail your train of thought if this is where it leads uninterrupted.

“You’re not going to die, Riku,” I tell him, as cheerily as I can manage. “It's just the heat getting to you.” He’s quiet. “Look, let’s just focus on finding my Dad for now.” Give you a little sense of purpose, even if it’s just for my sake. 

Hesitantly, Riku nods.

“You’re right,” he mumbles. "But-- just in case--" He drops his bag from his shoulder a few inches, unzipping the top and reaching into a small inside pocket, revealing a bulky silver chain. "This was my mom's... She gave it to me when I was thirteen, just before I ran away. It was supposed to go to someone special and I just... if anything happens, I don't want it sitting in my bag forever. I'd want you to have it. "

“It’s beautiful,” I tell him, taking it carefully from his hand. And it really is, old-looking but with a nice sheen to it... but I’m still not totally sure what this is about. Slowly Riku takes the necklace back, only to unclasp it and secure it around my neck for me. It’s heavy and cool, a feeling I’m not totally used to, especially as it pangs against my chest whenever I take a step. "This is the one she was wearing in one of your pictures, isn't it?" He nods soundlessly, stepping back and seeming to just... take me in. “Thanks, Riku.”

Okay… well, if this gives him a sense of closure, more power to him.

And he said I was special to him. Sort of. But at least now I know.

It cools by sunset, and by that time Riku and I have been able to have at least one nice conversation--no talk of death or dying included. So... hopefully that's a good sign.

 

Sometime just before it gets too dark to see, I start to get really, really hungry. I broach it carefully, since I've long learned that Riku interprets questions about food as ungrateful nagging. It's annoying that I have to walk on eggshells about this kind of thing, but I also get that he has a system. And it's obviously a good one, to keep him alive for this long... And me too, for that matter.

Riku's evasive at first when I ask, feeding me some line about eating later so we can travel longer into the night, before coming out with it: we're running out of food, and he's freaking out a little.

He doesn't say that last part, obviously.

"Then what did you get earlier?" I ask carefully. "When we were at the store?"

"…Not much. They didn't have a lot to begin with, and there were so many mirrors on the ceiling I thought it would be too easy to get caught. I got the water and sunscreen but as far as food... they only had candy."

"…Oh. Yeah, I noticed you didn't give me anything to hang onto. What's our food stock looking like?" He looks serious.

"Pretty low. A few more days if we're lucky."

“How much money do we have?”

He shrugs, but I can tell he's just pretending to be casual. I catch him falter. “I have fifteen left, and I'd rather avoid pickpocketing.” I sigh, pulling my wallet from a side pocket on my backpack.

"Twenty-five," I say, thumbing through my five dollar bills a little sadly. Sure, Riku's a pro at shoplifting but it's a little sad thinking that we only have about forty dollars between the two of us. I open the zipper on the back, hoping for some change... and find two ten dollar bills. Then one more five. And... Huh, it feels like a dollar in coins. That really is the end of it, but it's more than enough to get us through the next few weeks, maybe even the next few months.

My heart leaps. That's right--I brought fifty dollars along with me! With all the excitement of shoplifting it never occurred to me that we could actually _buy_ food. Now I can't believe I ever forgot.

"Riku!" I shout, making him start. I hand him my wallet wordlessly, waiting for him to make the same discovery I just did.

For a moment he looks suspicious before he opens it and starts counting bills. I watch gleefully as he looks more and more stunned the further he gets along.

"You came prepared," he says, and I'm too ridiculously happy that he might be proud of me to be offended by his surprise.

"I know it's still not a lot, but can we buy something to eat while we're in town?" Riku nods, a small smile on his face.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea. We should stock up ... and I'm sure you're sick of tuna by now." I shrug, not wanting to say yes.

Together we scout out a supermarket, which isn’t too hard since we’re again entering the “bustling town” end of the spectrum. Riku urges me to go in without him. He says I look cleaner and will probably attract less attention, but I get the impression he just doesn’t want to go in for whatever reason.

“Look for sales," he recites before letting me go. "You’ll want to get a lot for a little--something that will sustain you all day. No perishables. Canned food. Fruit, meat."

“Okay.”

"And when you get fruit, don't get anything in a glaze-- it's all sugar. You'll crash and dehydrate yourself. And it tastes like shit anyway, so."

"Er, okay."

"Think healthy, but cheap needs to come first," he calls after I begin to walk through the doors. "And water!"

By myself, I walk in and immediately wince. I guess I didn't expect it to be so bright in here; it takes my eyes some time to adjust. I'm also surprised by how busy it is at this time of evening… I'm getting a little antsy being around so many people. I feel out of place. I mean, I’m probably all dirty and smelly and really, I’m just surprised that no one’s staring. Or, you know, holding their noses. I try to be quick but thorough as walk through the long aisles, my mouth watering at all the snack foods and candy and packaged dinners... Everything looks gourmet to me. I want to buy everything, but Riku would kill me. I have to remember what I’m here for.

I weave in and out of endless aisles, mixed up and lost. I wish that every grocery store would just pick one layout and stick with it. Even with the vague signs, I have no idea where anything is. It takes me almost ten minutes to find where they threw the canned goods, and then there are so many varieties it’s hard to find what Riku’d looking for, for fruit that isn’t in a glaze, for the cheapest meat we can find... Luckily I’m kind of a pro at thrifty shopping of all sorts, since there was so little go around when I was living with Mom.

My restraint, though... isn’t great right now. Maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten anything substantial in weeks, but I can’t even help what comes next. I run over to the snack foods and grab a few bags of trail mix and pre-popped popcorn, then a bag of gummy bears just to be indulgent. At the checkout counter, I grab one of those little chocolate covered peppermint patties for Riku. He's got that sweet minty gum that I catch him break out every once in a while… I think he'd like this.

Okay, that’s enough. Before I let myself go totally nuts I head over to the closet checkout counter to the exit, an express lane with only two people in line. It doesn’t take long, either: it’s just a guy with a six pack of beer and an older woman with a few tomatoes and a candy bar, and then I’m up.

As the cashier scans my items I mindlessly glance over the impulse buy items. More candy and snacks but also tabloid magazines, newspapers, and something kind of unsettling: missing children flyers. I sift through them quickly but as thoroughly as I can without holding up the rest of the line, alert and maybe a little nervous, too. Luckily I don’t run across my photo—which makes sense, since it was pretty clear from the start that I’m running away. Plus, I'm still pretty new so any flyers printed might not have arrived yet. There’s a couple for Riku though, so I’m sure to snatch those up.

I'm relieved but not surprised when the total only comes to about fifteen dollars. Like I said, I’m a pro at this and I think Riku'll be proud--I got us a lot of chicken, fruit, vegetables, and water for that small amount, and the trail mix will really help keep us full. Fuller than his endless boxes of crackers, anyway--and healthier too. Maybe the popcorn and candy won’t be well received, but for less than a dollar a piece, Riku can’t really complain.

For some reason, paying is a relief. Who knew getting food legally could ever feel so good?

I inspect one of Riku’s flyers as I walk out, curious as can be and savoring the last of the light I’ll see for maybe ten hours. The picture that they used is a few years old, a black and white school photo that’s a little on the grainy side, but clear enough to make out Riku’s face. Looking makes this wrong feeling sit in my gut.

What strikes me the most isn’t the shorter hair or the bony frame. It's the look of resignation on his face, the tiredness in his eyes. He looks sick, sicker than I've seen him out here, even when he had that stomach flu. I don't think you'd be able to catch it if you didn't know him but to me, it's clear. Riku’s hometown was killing him, and I’m just glad he got out. So glad.

I scan through the rest of the flyer, drifting from the photo up top to the small blurb below.

 _Riku Imakura,_ it reads. Huh, so that’s his last name… for some reason, knowing that makes him seem more like a person.

Riku Imakura... I wonder if he has a middle name, too.

_Hair: white_

_Eyes: blue_

...Blue? Aren't his eyes green? I’ll have to look closer in the morning...

_Height: 5’3’’_

Ha! _That’s_ out of date. I’d put him closer to 5’6’’, at least.

_Distinguishable features: scar on left wrist._

In the back of my mind, I wonder how many scars are new since this was printed, if this only mentions one. Still... distinguishable features... do they mean everything about him? Tall and muscular but thin, with white hair, blue-green eyes, and all around gorgeous, even when dirty and half-starved? I snort a little, even though this is nowhere near funny.

Last but not least, there's an update at the very bottom of the page in the same black, bold print as his name at the top.

_Last seen: November 2000._

_Warning: Possibly prone to violence._

Then it goes on to describe the numbers that should be called if anyone spots him. I frown. Prone to violence... ridiculous. Riku's a total teddy bear, even though he'd hate me for saying that.

When I walk outside it’s completely dark, the last trace of sunlight is totally gone and the street lamps are all lit. Riku looks sort of mysterious hanging in the shadows. In fact, I'd be intimidated if I didn't know who he was.

“Hey, Riku,” I say, running over to him. “I--”

“How much did you get?" he asks, eyeing the two bags.

”Oh--not as much as it looks. I only spent fifteen--"

"You spent fifteen dollars?!" he asks. "And this is all you got?" I flush.

"I got stuff that'll last, just like you said!" He stares at me, challenging. "Next time you do it!" I snap. Surprisingly he backs down, smirking.

“And candy is vital to our survival... how?” My flush graduates to a full-on blush.

"I thought... um. I thought you'd like it."

"I'll pass," he says, turning and walking off. Ugh. I'm such an idiot.

 

We settle in another field, across from a dirt pit that may mean that this is a construction zone. I guess we'll find out in the morning... for now, it just feels good to be sitting in the cool air with bags full of food. I snack on my gummy bears, savoring every last one. Riku was right; this was a waste. But it's the tastiest waste ever.

“Riku,” I say, pulling the rolled-up flyers from my pocket and handing them to him before I forget. “I took these from the store… every copy.”

"Thanks," he says, stashing them in his bag without even sparing them a glance.

"Would you just…go ahead and read it if you can? I have a question." He slides one back out and skims over it, tilting it toward the dim glow of street lights just a little too far away.

"That picture," he murmurs, shaking his head. "Fuck."

“I was wondering why anyone would think you were violent."

"Do you think I'm violent?" Riku shoots back.

"No," I huff, feeling like he's making fun of me for some reason. "I was just... wondering where they got that from."

"What do you think?" Riku asks, laying on his back, settling down for the night.

"Thin air?" I respond. He snorts.

"Someone called the cops on me once. Pretty shortly after I ran away. It wasn't my fault... I was provoked." He must feel me staring at him, because he elaborates without prodding. "I was almost assaulted." I choke on a gummy bear, but manage to swallow before it cuts off my breathing. "It was when I was still inexperienced and a little too trusting... one evening I was passing through a neighborhood when I was caught by this man who pretty much knew what was going on the second he saw me. Clean-cut. Good-looking, I guess. He invited me in for leftovers since he'd just finished eating dinner, then let me crash on his couch." He swallows hard, but his voice is steady. Maybe the night is just really quiet. "I must have said no twenty times but he didn't let up, so finally I went into his house.... I don't know why I didn't just leave. I guess I was starving. Literally--I was starving to death. I think I just got desperate. I'm sure he was banking on it but I wasn't... desperate enough to pay him back the way he was looking for. Let's just leave it at that. It was a fight to get out of his house intact. And I've never lost a fight."

"And he called the cops?" I ask. "On _you_?" I'm trying to wrap my head around everything. Seeing Riku--small, tired, like in that picture--fighting off some old creep... ugh. I want to throw up.

"Yep. Happy now?"

“No," I mutter. "I'm so sorry."

“It was a long time ago. Besides, you get used to creeps. It comes with the whole ‘running away’ thing.”

“But still, I’m sorry that happened to you.”

I rest a gentle hand on his shoulder for a moment before removing it and curling up. It's getting hard to keep my eyes open... when did I get so tired?

“I'm sorry too," he says lowly. Then, "Hey. Get me that chocolate." I'm all too happy to dig into one of the bags and toss it over. I hear him tear off the wrapper, and he's quiet for a time. "Thanks for doing the shopping," he says, like he's being forced to thank me under the threat of torture. But it's still something.

"Thank _you_ ," I say, leaving it at that.

"...For what?" he asks. I don't even know where to start, so I just roll over and shut my eyes. As I drift to sleep, all I can think is: I’m so glad you found me, Riku, before I had to learn everything the hard way. So, thank you.


	17. Outside Looking In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sora can't take the heat or get out of the kitchen. Riku learns a lesson about basic human decency.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg when did i become this terrible at updating

I don’t know what time it is when I wake up some early morning, but it’s dim out and just cold enough that I have to remove my jacket from underneath my head, brush off the grass and dirt, and pull it on. I'm not even drowsy, just ready to get this day started. It isn't easy for me to sleep too late anymore before my subconscious starts urging me up, a safeguard to make sure I haven't been left behind. Riku leaving shook me to my core, even in the weeks we've been together again. I don’t take him for granted anymore, knowing now that I can't assume he'll stick around. Or that I won't wake just to find him hurt.... My first instinct is to look for him, but he's always there, always up.

"You're up early," Riku observes, already standing.

"Oh... err, yeah. Do you want to get going?"

"Might as well."

Like that we're gone, leaving our little hiding space as if we were never there in the first place. There's no point in asking to stay anymore.

*  
It doesn't take long for the morning's coolness to melt away, which means it's as hot as ever out here by noon. Which, in turn, means we're both tired and cranky. I've never been ready for summer to be over before, but autumn needs to hurry up and get here like, now.

“You okay back there?” Riku calls from way ahead of me, all mocking like in the beginning. Or maybe he's just asking. Either way, I'm totally aware that I'm feeling overly defensive and a little annoyed--maybe for no real reason. And that I'm in serious need of a serious nap.

“I feel sick,” I tell him. He waits for me to catch up with only a few displays of impatient puffing, but at least when I clutch his arm to regain balance he slows so we can walk together. He's gotta realize by now that I'm not goofing off, I can hardly _stand_. Maybe I caught whatever Riku had last month... man, if this is how it felt, I don't know how he got as far as he did. It's like I'm sleep-walking, all tired and dazed, out of breath more than I have any reason to be... it all came on so suddenly, too. I swear there was no sign of this when we got up. I just gotta power through it until it goes away.

I blink open my eyes just a little and...Hold on. 

This isn't right…

When did I fall asleep? Did I pass out? Did I just dream that we got up and it's still early in the morning? No... that can't be right... we're still going, still moving. I try to blink the grogginess away, but I can't break through the haze. I just catch that I'm staring at the dirt ground. At first I'm scared and disoriented, not being able to tell what the heck is going on here, but once I’m able to come to a little more I realize Riku's got my backpack and his bag slung over one shoulder--and I'm slung over the other.

"How long have I been…?" I mutter.

"About thirty seconds. I want to find you some shade. …Sora. Stay with me. Sora, wake up." Riku's shaking me awake the second my eyes shut, and I'm wondering if he'll even listen if I try to tell him that my head feels empty and light, like I'm full of cotton. Man, what a slave driver… “Sora?” I open my eyes a sliver and sit up, yawning and stretching. When I look up at Riku, he seems... different. His eyes are soft and for a moment it even looks like he might hug me but thinks better of it. “You slept all day yesterday and through the night. I was afraid you were going to stop breathing... are you alright?”

I stare at him, his words sinking in slowly. Maybe my brain is scrambled.

"...What?" I watch as he pours some water from one of his bottles onto the hem of his shirt, starting a little when he then presses it to my forehead. Surprisingly, the water is cool. His jacket is spread across the branches of this skinny little tree we're under, earning us a little extra shade.

“I think the heat really got to you, but it’s been cooling down since last night. You should be okay now. How do you feel?”

“Oh...." For a moment, all I can do is watch his face. I don't get Riku, but somehow none of this surprises me. Cold he may be, but he's also a natural caretaker. "Yeah, I feel okay. Just really tired. Thanks for carrying me into the shade… and then just letting me sleep like that. I needed it.”

“It's...whatever.” Yeah, his response is predictably nothing, but he’s smiling at least. Even if he won’t make eye contact as he does.

"Do you want to go?" I ask. Riku shakes his head.

"We're out of the way, so I think we're safe... I did a little reconnaissance while you were sleeping last night. We're getting back into the suburbs so we'll need to be careful, but right now we need to focus on getting you well enough to travel. We'll set out at dusk if you can. Until then, I don't want you to focus on anything but feeling better."

I nod. My watch is officially dead, but it can't be later than ten... he's really going to lose an entire day for me? Startled, I register what Riku just said: I slept all day yesterday, too. Two days! He'll be losing two days because of me!

"Are you sure?" I ask. "I really don't feel that bad, I could probably..." He shrugs, shaking his head.

"No use trying to travel while sick."

"That's what you did," I point out. He's quiet.

"...That's different." I'm tempted to ask how, but can't bring myself to do it. I can't pester him when he's being this nice, it wouldn't be right. "Come on, let's get some food in you," he says as he pulls out cans of fruit and chicken from his bag. A large water bottle follows. I think it might be the same one from the diner ages ago, since those were the only big ones we had, so he's really been holding onto it for a while. "I want you to finish this by the time we leave. It's more important than ever for you to stay hydrated."

"What about you?" I ask. He shrugs again.

"We have more than enough for now, thanks to you. Don't worry so much about me."

I frown. Easier said than done, Riku.

*  
Riku was right about one thing--by dusk, I'm feeling much more like myself. As guilty as it made me feel at the time, I downed the entire bottle of water throughout the day and ate more than my share of chicken and fruit. This might be the first day in weeks I haven't had a headache or hunger pangs, and it's breathed new life right into me. I'm ready to travel all night long if that's what Riku wants. But a part of me is still kind of worried about what will happen if the heat wave continues, if the weather takes me down again or if it starts affecting Riku, too.

"Riku?" I ask. "When do you think this heat will end?" His response is confident and reassuring.

“It’ll cool off. July is always rough, so the heat will be at its worst for another few weeks,” he says. “Then we figure out how to deal with the cold when September rolls around.”

“July?" I repeat, startled. "Are you serious?” 

“Yeah. I caught a calendar hanging in a shop window the other day."

Wow... I can't believe it! I can't believe I've lasted out here two months--with help, of course. On the flip side, I can't believe it's been two months and I'm still out here. I can't even imagine how far from home I am, how close to Dad I might be. The only thing I can tell is that the ghost towns are behind us, which feels like the start of a new chapter. Even the slower, sleepier places we pass through look more modern and new and lived-in. I have a good feeling about everything, but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, either.

*  
It's another few days until Riku really says something of any real gravity again. We've both been really, really quiet, actually. I think we’re really starting to get tired, but we better get our strength up since it looks we’re going to reach a bigger city soon, judging by the sudden population boom. We've had to be sneakier and less conspicuous, Riku's been even weirder and more alert, and I'm just trying not to accidentally bump into anyone as we walk down the street. He's admitted that might be better for us in the long run--we'll blend in with other runaways or homeless people, and any police out are more likely to be occupied with actual crimes. We'll actually be able to hide in plain sight. Somehow, I'm just looking forward to it all. Now, if only it would cool down. Cooler air would definitely match the gray clouds we can't seem to escape...

 “Looks like it’s going to rain,” Riku says, like he's just read my mind.

"I hope it doesn't storm like it did last month," I reply. "What do you think the chances are that we'll find another empty motel?" Riku snorts at my pathetic little joke.

"Not high, but you've got the right idea. We should try to find some sort of shelter." 

The first small, warm drop of rain hits my hand within seconds.

"Sooner rather than later," I say. "Would probably be good." Riku looks up at the gray, dark sky as the second drop falls, hitting him below the eye and sliding down his cheek like a tear as he lowers his head. 

"Yeah... I agree."

There’s some sort of large, steel-and-glass building up ahead, so Riku and I speed up to duck in as the downpour begins. This place is unusual for sure, modern and sleek but incredibly sturdy, the sides of the building jutting out at all sorts of odd angles. The front door is set deep, so we have plenty of cover from the rain without having to actually go inside. We squish in against a wall so anyone who needs to come or go can pass in peace, and just try to lay as low as we can.

Like clockwork, about forty young adults spill out of the building, seemingly at once. I watch as they walk by, opening umbrellas, pulling up hoods, or just holding backpacks over their heads to avoid the rain. I guess we've wandered right into a college town. Taking a closer look, I can see shelves of books inside, big, leather chairs clustered together around a round table... when I crane my head I can see a door half-hidden down a hall, probably leading to a classroom or office. All sorts of prints hang on the walls, mostly art from what I can see. I recognize all of the paintings but I'm not very artsy so I couldn't say what they are or who painted them. It's a nice place... I bet everyone here had to work really hard to get in.

I wonder if I'll ever get to go to college, or if I'm always just gonna be on the outside looking in. 

I turn to ask Riku something dumb, like what he would want to be when he grows up if he could take his pick, only to find that he's sleeping. Suddenly having no one to talk to kinda sucks, but it’s nice to see him getting some rest... which ends up being short-lived: Riku starts awake as one more student trickles out, some tall guy holding a big art canvas and talking loudly on his cell phone. Riku shifts, curling up and resting against me for an extra few moments. I try to sink into his warmth. For the first time in a long time... I really want to kiss him.

I sit still as I can until Riku stirs again on his own, straightening, but he doesn't back away.

"We could've slept in," I say uselessly. Like Riku's ever slept in a day in his life.

"What, tired?" he asks, giving me this challenging look. I roll my eyes, beginning to laugh but it dies away quickly. Guess I don't have a lot of laughter in me right now. I'm tired too--and hungry. I turn back to Riku, a little startled to find that he's looking at me. He usually... doesn't. And not like this. 

Plus we're close right now, closer than we've been since we slept curled against each other in the motel, closer than we've been since the night I (stupidly, presumptuously) kissed him. So long ago now. I don't feel like that person anymore. Riku doesn't feel like that person anymore. But I still like this... I like touching him, or being touched, or whatever it is that's going on right now.

Riku knows how I feel... what's he playing at?

One of us leans forward. I don't know who. All I know is that our lips brush against each other in a light, soft touch, almost accidentally. But these things don't happen accidentally... I know that all too well.

The rain is still going strong almost an hour later. Even though we're both itching to get a move on, there's something soothing about the pattering of water on metal ten feet over our heads. It is getting a little cold though, since the sun hasn't come out to warm up this particularly shady spot all day. We're both dozing when a humming man steps in then almost immediately back out of the building. I stir first, then Riku, a little on edge since he's the first guy who's actually looked at us since we settled here. I'd be more worried, but he's this tall, skinny, gangly thing in a vest and slacks. Not very threatening. 

“Hello,” he says brightly. That makes Riku tenses up. The two of us exchange a glance before I respond. 

“Hi,” I say carefully. My voice is hoarse; I'm quick to clear it, but the damage is already done... I sound weak and sick and already feel pathetic.

“Roger,” a well-dressed woman calls, clopping up the stairs in her dainty heels while two fully-grown Dalmatians trail behind her, tails wagging. I instantly perk up. I know this should be my last priority, but I really wanna pet the dogs. “Are we ready to go?”

He's distracted for a moment as he goes to greet her, but he's back to us soon. I'm the opposite--it's her addressing him that brings me back to the situation at hand. The whole time Riku and I sit tensely next to each other, not sure if he's going to tell us to leave or call the cops or... what. 

“Have you eaten anything today?” he asks us instead. Riku and I exchange a confused glance. Finally, I shake my head. “We’re going out for some lunch down the street. Why don’t you join us?"

"Out?" Riku asks, a little quietly, from next to me. "At a restaurant?" He nods.

"That's right. My treat."

Riku looks over at me, and it takes me a moment to realize... he's leaving this decision in my hands. Is this a test, or does Riku really trust me to make the right call?

"...Okay," I say, just as the first Dalmatian bounds up to me and starts giving my clothes a thorough sniffing. I rub the top of his head, scratching his ears. "Thanks."

*  
We must be an odd sight, the four of us walking down the street. Two well-dressed professors, their dogs, and... well... us.

Halfway down the block Roger offers up his umbrella to us but Riku declines not-so-politely. Roger barely acknowledges Riku's abrupt response; he just holds it over his girlfriend, Anita's, head while they walk so she doesn't have to open hers. 

I'm not too bummed when we really start getting rained on, the rain falling in fatter, heavier drops all around us. It's kind of refreshing not being dry and cracking and bleeding. Besides, we reach our destination soon enough: it's a little hole-in-the wall diner that's way cleaner on the inside than the outside. We're led by a waitress to a table in the back outside in a covered patios where the dogs can roam around a bit. All of the other patrons are inside, so I really feel like we can relax out here. I just really hope Roger and Anita don't decide to call the cops when all is said and done. I trusted the hospital, and look where that got us... I hope this isn't a mistake. I hope I'm not screwing over Riku without realizing it. I hope I'm not screwing _myself_ over.

The tables are set up by twos, so we're going to end up eating together-but-not-really with Roger and Anita at one and Riku and myself at the next one over. It's probably best that way. For one, I'm sure we don't smell amazing, but... it's also better than trying to force small talk. I'm sure they realize that two teen runaways probably won't have a lot of fun stories to tell. Still, I feel like if they asked even the smallest question I might just talk nonstop for days. I miss human interaction. I miss people. And I missed animals more than I realized, too. 

Riku and I sit across from each other in silence, listening to Roger and Anita's quiet conversation until the waiter takes our orders. The dogs flit back and forth between our tables, heralded by the jingling and clinking of their collar tags. Occasionally Roger will call over to them by name--Pongo, Perdita--and they come rushing back, but I always kind of hope they come back to visit us.

Lunch is a surreal whirl; I block out everything in anticipation of having food in front of me, and every last bite of my roast beef sandwich with potato salad is devoured within the space of about five minutes. I've never been so full in my entire life, and I know for sure nothing has ever tasted so good. I let out a long breath and lean back in my chair, subtly sliding off my shoes and folding my legs. I wiggle my toes in my socks, just trying to loosen everything up before the stiffness sets in. Shutting my eyes just makes me realize how tired I am, but I gotta keep it together. 

That telltale clinking of a metal collar tags makes me straighten.

"Hey buddy!" I say, reaching out to give my little friend a pat on the head, but he loses interest in me almost immediately in favor of Riku. The reason is clear pretty quickly--I catch Riku slip him a little slice of extra turkey from his sandwich before giving him a small, quick rub behind the ear. Pongo lets out a little _boof_ sound and settles at Riku's feet, eyeing him for more food. It's funny seeing Riku so gentle, no matter how capable of being nice I already know he is. I wonder if he had any pets back home. I didn't, of course--no space, no money. Donald used to have ducks, though. Just when we were really little, and I think it's just because that yard tended to flood when it rained. 

I wonder if Donald and Goofy are okay...

I jump when I feel a heavy paw on my lap, Perdita's way of getting my attention. For a few moments I smile down at her, stroking the rough fur on her paws and legs, until Anita whistles to her to get down. I want to say that it doesn't bother me, to ask if she can say, but Roger and Anita have already been so nice and we're intruding enough as it is. So I just sit and behave, staring off dreamily, sleepy and full, listening to their conversation. I catch mentions of some horrible boss, Roger referencing an unflattering song he wrote about her before the two of them laugh. It sounds like Anita's in the fashion industry and Roger teaches at the college we were temporarily making our shelter. They've obviously been together for many years--they're just so comfortable and natural together, either speaking or in silence. And they look good together, too. It's really something to aspire to. I want them to be together forever. And I want a relationship like that for myself, too.

After the check is paid Roger and Anita make their final offering, a chance to kick back in their apartment for the night if we don't mind what sounds like more than one litter of puppies. I wanna be all over it but Riku steps in to decline before I can say another word. Guess he's done letting me take charge. I wish I was surprised.

...Well, it's still something that he let me have control for this long, maybe.

We're parting so fast, going our separate ways, and it really tugs at me that they'll become just two more faces we'll never see again. Already I want to go back... that wasn't long enough, I'm not ready to feel alone again, and I'm sick of feeling like a runaway.... But more than anything I'm so, so grateful this even happened. Kindness is everything, and as much as I try to give it, sometimes I don't feel like I get it enough.

It all sort of catches up with me at once, when we're blocks and blocks away, what a fluke that was. What a tiny moment in all our lives; a half-hour maybe, forty-five minutes at the most.

“Why’d you say no, Riku?” I ask. "When they asked if we needed a place to stay for the night?"

“Look," he replies curtly. "If you want to go with them, go. I’m not stopping you. But I’m not going to become some charity case. Besides, you know what happened the last time I went into some stranger‘s apartment.” …Ouch. Cue guilt.

“...I want to go with you.”

“Then do.”

“I am!” I wait until maybe Riku's feeling a little less argumentative to make my next point. "They did seem genuinely nice, though. I mean... sometimes it's just nice to know that there good people around." Riku looks at me for a long time, considering. 

"I... I'm learning," he says finally, turning and walking ahead.


	18. The Library and On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku and Sora reach an agreement.

Sometime between lunch and what-should-be-dinner it starts to rain again, just heavily enough that it stops us from moving forward for a while. I mean, we move as we can, seeking shelter beneath roofs and awnings, but mostly it's a drag trying to stay dry. We end up spending the bulk of our time huddled in a small, covered seating area across the street from the biggest library I've ever seen, this giant slab of stone with floor-to-ceiling windows in the front, boasting three stories and probably a million books. 

I watch Riku watching everyone who wanders in and out, mothers with their children, groups of young adults, older couples. He looks a little... I don't know. Sad, maybe. Maybe he's wishing things were different as much as I do, all the time. Especially in places like this, places I could easily see myself settling down in.

“We should wash off before we start to seriously smell,” Riku says suddenly. Err, okay... maybe I was just projecting. 

I follow as he darts across the street and into the double doors, turning left into the men's room. It's totally empty in here, but someone could walk in at any time so we've gotta be quick. 

Riku and I rush to different sinks and get started without another word, stripping down to our boxers a little at a time. From the corner of my eye, I catch Riku tearing off his jacket and shirt, setting them aside on his bag and beginning to lather soap on his hands, rubbing slick circles on his arms, chest, and stomach. Seeing him like this, even for a second, makes my breath catch in my throat--so I stare intently into the mirror in front of me as I scrub down my upper body, working down to my legs as best as I can while staying somewhat decent just in case someone barges in and gets the wrong idea. 

I pat dry with paper towels, overly aware that I'm mostly naked in semi-public and anxious to get dressed. Shivering from the cold, I unzip my backpack hastily to pull out my dad's sweatshirt. That's about when I notice something hopelessly scrunched up at the bottom of my backpack... and could kick myself when I realize that it's a pair of jeans. Why couldn't I have remembered my changes of clothes when I was freezing my ass off in that motel? Ugh... I'm not going to bring any attention it, or else Riku's gonna make fun of me for sure.

Grabbing fresh underwear, a new T-shirt, and my jeans, I slip into a stall to strip and redress. I emerge feeling like an idiot, but at least I'm a clean idiot. I beeline back to my stuff and shove my dad's sweatshirt back in. Now that I've dried a little and my legs are covered, I think just my jacket will do.

It looks like Riku's mostly dressed again, too, and probably ready to get a move on. I didn't even try to sneak a glance at him when I noticed he lost his jeans, even to see if he was almost done, but it feels safe to look at him now that he's got them back on. It's weird that he's still got his shirt off though, and even weirder when he locks eyes with me through the mirror, signaling me to come closer with the flick of his head.

"Get my back, will you?" he asks. 

"Err... yeah, okay."

I approach him carefully, like he's a tiger or a bear, then reach to his side to grab a wad of paper towels. Wide movements, overly careful, so he can tell exactly what I'm gonna do before I do it. The last thing I want is to misinterpret the situation again and get yelled at.

I hesitate at first, rubbing the mushy wad against his skin as gently as I possibly can. With all those scars on his back I’m scared that I’ll hurt him, even though I know he won’t feel any pain. The few scars I have, two on my hand, a couple on my leg, never hurt. I’m coddling him for no reason, my mind always tilting between two extremes: Riku is delicate. Riku is invulnerable. Instead I should keep reminding myself—Riku is human. And everything that comes with it.

Once he's soapy I set down the disintegrating paper towels and begin to rub his back with my hands. He tilts his head back, hair streaming down his back and brushing my fingers. I run one wet, soapy hand through the bottom of his hair before returning to his back. Okay, so maybe I really can't resist sometimes. Maybe I'm liking this a little too much, but I don't care.

He makes a happy noise involuntarily as I lightly push my fingers into his skin, kneading and rubbing and tracing outlines. When I look up into the mirror I can see he's smiling, just a little, his eyes closed.

“You don't need to...” he starts, but doesn’t finish. Instead, he switches gears, laughing: “Hey, cut it out. I think I'm clean.” I drop my hands, no questions asked.

“Oh… err, okay.” I think I end up sounding disappointed, but I'm not, really… I’m just a little surprised. I guess I thought he was enjoying it more than he actually was. He's not mad, though, which I'm thankful for.

Riku turns on the water again and dunks his head into the sink, squirting more soap into his hands and running the lather into his hair. That's not a bad idea... at the risk of getting my clean clothes all wet, I begin washing my own hair in the sink next to Riku‘s, craning my neck uncomfortably under the flow of lukewarm water. This is _not_ fun. It's so hard to take care of this mop, especially out here when it's hopelessly tangled and longer than ever. Not to mention _heavy_. Man, I’m in desperate need of a haircut… like that'll happen. Ugh.

After my head is sufficiently soaked, I ring it out deliberately, trying to get all the moisture out that I can. I’m careful to try and make the water droplets fall into the sink, but my shirt and jacket end up getting drenched anyway like I thought they would. Riku scoffs as he pulls his shirt over his head and slides his jacket on. When I look at him, the guy's shaking his head. 

"What?" I ask defensively, as if I don't already know.

"You," Riku responds. "Here, give me your jacket." I don't know what it says that I just do it without asking, pulling my chilly arms out of the sleeves and letting him literally take it off my back... only to hold it underneath the hand dryer, thoroughly rotating the wet spots under the hot stream of air until it's wearable again. Even though it's just going to get wet again in like, five minutes when we go outside and back into the rain.

It must be almost ten minutes before Riku pulls back, the loud shriek of the hand dryer giving way to silence so abruptly it makes my ears ring a little. 

"Thanks," I say, a little sheepish as I take my jacket back and toss it on. Riku just shakes his head, a small smile on his face. 

"We should really get going. If there's no one paying attention too closely, we might be able to stay in the library until closing." I nod once decisively as we exit the bathroom, careful not to slip on any wet spots on the floor. The automatic doors in the small lobby open as we pass by, amplifying the persistent patter of rain on concrete, only to shut again, muffling all noise from outside. We continue into the library proper, another set of automatic doors our only hurdle--and one that's easily conquered.

The library looks even huger from the inside as it did from outside, and I actually find myself a little overwhelmed for a sec. Looking up at the ceiling disorients and dizzies me--it's just so _high_ and I can't believe I can make out people walking next to shiny gold stair rails and green-tinted glass balconies four floors above me. I drop my head, looking straight ahead, blinking hard. Somehow I manage not to stumble as Riku leads me to the back of the building. We ascend the first flight of stairs, then the second, opting to find a secluded little hiding place on the third floor. 

Smack in the middle of General Fiction, we snake through tall, packed book case after tall, packed bookcase, past teens, adults, and seniors scanning the aisles for that one book they're after. At around P, we take a seat on the carpeted floor, on a far side close to a wall where we hopefully won't get any attention. 

"Warm," I murmur.

"Yeah," Riku whispers in return. 

Still tired, I set my backpack in my lap and rest my head against it, following the pattern of the carpet with my eyes. Just shades of gray all blended together. Nothing exciting. 

I glance up at Riku as he reaches behind him, pulling a small, hardbound book from a shelf, and stares at the back cover for what feels like a while. He thumbs through the first few pages, finally coming to read at a normal pace until we notice someone heading our way. Riku's actually a little slower to react than I am, maybe because he's got a distraction, but when he glances my way we seem to have the same thought at once: leave. 

Slowly we collect our bearings and stand. Weirdly, I see Riku hesitate for a moment. At first it looks like he's going to hold on to the book, then I even see him make this tiny movement toward his bag like he's gonna pack it away. But in the end he sets it back on the shelf and we move to a small table in the back corner, right next to a window. It looks like the rain's let up a little, maybe; the window's all blurry and wet. The sun's come out though, and how: it's almost blindingly bright. It looks like we're up here at just the right time to be completely level with the thing. 

Riku sits up straight, lost in thought, staring ahead at absolutely nothing. I could rehash all the same stuff in my head about wanting to be here for a reason, to have come here after a good day at school and finished all my homework and just be waiting for Dad to pick me up. But I don't. I just doze. For how long, I don't know. I just know that Riku rapidly shakes me awake after the sun's dropped below the window because we're being approached. It's not just some random person, either: it's Security. I'm on high alert, but the uniformed cop just tells us that closing's in ten minutes before hitting the next table, presumably to deliver the same message.

"My friend and I are just leaving," I catch Riku say quietly before the man goes. Then, "I guess it's time," he says, rising from his seat and shouldering his bag. I sigh, following Riku out of the library and back onto the streets. 

More than ever, I don't know where I stand with him. A week ago, I asked if he liked me and he said no. Then I asked if he hated me, and he was quick to let me know that he doesn't dislike me in any way, either. But he told the security guy that I was his friend. I wonder if he really meant that.

*  
I spend the evening nestled in my own thoughts as we try to find a dry place to stay for the night. We find it in the form of a small patio behind some sort of home repair store and I guess that's as good as anything. No one's around at least, and we're sure to be up and out of here hours before the first employees come around to open up shop.

The relatively cooler weather restores our appetites, and I notice we plow through more cans of food a little quicker than usual. Maybe we're both just grateful for the change from tuna to chicken, from peaches to pears. Annoyingly, it gives me this energy I've been lacking today, perking me up when I should be winding down to sleep. 

"You look tired," I observe, catching the bags under Riku's eyes in the last few minutes of sunlight.

"Thanks," Riku responds dryly. "I'm definitely tired today... I'm fine though, so don't ask."

"You definitely don't look sick." I'm not just sucking up, either--it's true. He's lost the gray tone to his skin, and he's eating again. He has more stamina. He might actually kind of be okay.

"The big meal probably didn't help," Riku admits. "I think all that bread and turkey probably took what little energy I had." 

I think back to his sizable club sandwich and am inclined to agree, but I still wish we could eat the way we did today for every meal. 

Riku falls silent again. Thoughtful.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, not even surprised that he doesn't respond. I try something else. "So, you like reading?" Riku stares up at me, bewildered. Well, I guess startling him out of his thoughts works, too. "...you picked up a book at the library. I was just wondering."

"...Oh." Riku shakes his head--not as a response, more like he's trying to snap himself out of something. "I thought maybe I said something and forgot... yeah. I mean. I guess so. I used to read a lot before I ran away. I didn't have much else to do I guess. Not having friends or anything." For the millionth time I hurt for him, and for the billionth I cherish the memory of my two closest friends in the world.

"That's so hard. Do you miss it? Not being back home or anything--" I'm quick to correct myself, because I assume that any implications that he might be homesick wouldn't exactly go down well. "But just... I dunno. Doing some of the stuff you used to do."

He's quiet for a long, long time.

"I don't know," he says finally. "I guess it's just... hard to separate everything from each other. I don't know if I really enjoyed any of my hobbies or if I just did whatever I could to kill time."

I think back to my seemingly endless hours watching TV, avoiding homework, napping.

"I know what you mean."

Gently, experimentally, I set a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me, granting me the quickest and smallest of smiles, before dropping his head, looking down at the ground, trapped in his mind again. I let my hand slide off him naturally then, grinning—'cause he’s either gonna laugh or mutilate me—give him a poke in the cheek, just shy of the corner of his mouth. He shoots me this look I can't quite catch in the dark, but remains still, watching. I give him another poke.

"Another smile would be nice, you know," I say, with another poke and another and another. He snorts loudly and pulls away, shielding himself with his arms. I try to find his face again but he's too fast for me--and he fights dirty, jabbing two index fingers straight into my stomach, sending me into fits of laughter that he has to block with his hand to make sure we're not heard.

When the laughter dies down but our moods are still high, we close our eyes and sleep. 

*  
I sit up and draw my knees to my chest, enjoying the quiet before Riku stirs. It’s cool out, still moist, but if we're lucky we might get away from the rain before it starts up again. I should probably take this time to get more sleep, but I find myself watching Riku as he dreams, fingers twitching, mouth sighing. He's the picture of perfection... and then a little less so when he's up and awake and moody as hell. I need to give him credit, though. He's been really good lately. And so have I, on that note. Slowly, we're turning each other into different people. Better ones, at that. Or at least, that's what I say.

“Good morning, Riku,” I whisper as he begins to stir, lifting himself onto his feet as he's just cracking his eyes open. "Not wasting any time today, huh?"

"We should get moving before people start lining up to get in," he responds. Even though Riku's been conscious for no more than five seconds, he sounds alert and awake. Guess there's no arguing with him, huh?

It’s a good start to our morning though, and we spend a lot of the day talking to each other about nothing, smiling, laughing.

It doesn’t last though… he gets distant over the course of the week. A little unpredictable. So I lay low when I can, make sure he’s getting rest and the food and water that he needs because what else can I do? It’s not like he’s going to take care of himself when he’s like this, when he’s too… I don’t know. When he's too discombobulated to function right.

I used to get so down on myself when he acted like this. I just took it so personally, I was convinced that I did something to majorly piss him off. Then it started to make me mad, like why would he do this knowing how much I worry about him? But now I'm just scared for him. I think it took some time for it all to really sink in, what it really means that Riku may have hurt himself on purpose to the point that he had to be hospitalized. That a doctor actually thought that Riku needed to be medicated so strongly that he or she was willing to just hand Riku over some pills like it was nothing. 

Ninety percent of the time, I know Riku is capable. He's a survivor. He knows what he's doing. He wants to live. Then he does something like give me that necklace I've never once taken off since, stop eating, confess that he feels like he's going to die on the streets, and I think that it's just the worst thing in the world that he's out here. 

I've spent so much time thinking about my own goal, since it's always been straightforward: find my dad at all costs. Get away from Mom. And, later, get Riku to like or trust or open up to me. But I've never really thought much about what happens to Riku after all is said and done. Sure, it crosses my mind all the time that someday we'll be separated, but... then there's life after that, too. I think I've been seeing this whole experience as some movie, like credits will roll the second I find Dad and that's the end of it. But there's so much more after that, for both of us. This bond that we have, and anything else that happens from here on out... will it even matter in the end? 

And it's even worse knowing that Riku has no goal in sight. This is it for him. Is he going to be lonely when I'm gone? Will he miss me? Will he wake up some mornings, forgetting he's alone, and instinctively reach to shake me awake? Or does he see my presence in his life as some blip in a greater picture?

Without me here, will he finally just give up and let himself die?

I wish that some awesome estranged relative would find Riku out of nowhere and take him in and love him and just make everything better. I wish Riku got to be a normal kid too, going to school and having friends and looking forward to summer vacation every year. I want him to find something that works to just rid him of these depressive moods for good. Therapy, medication, positive thinking... I don't care. I just want him back whenever he's like this. Not because his anger hurts my feelings; I don't care about that anymore. But because it must be terrifying for him to be totally fine one day and an exhausted, erratic, angry mess another. Because I'm scared that he'll hurt himself, that he'll kill himself. And knowing that he's got a massive knife, always at the bottom of his bag, disturbs me more than I can ever say. I'm not scared for myself, since I know Riku would never do anything to hurt me. I just... need him to be okay.

In the meantime, I just make sure he eats at the same times I do so he doesn't just starve while I do nothing but watch. I don't touch him. I don't talk to him, if I can help it. 

But I encourage him more. I make sure to tell him I'm happy with how far we've gotten at the end of every day. I tell him to wake me if he needs anything at night, even knowing he never would.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks he’s not worth being healthy or happy. A lot of the time he acts like he doesn’t care about anything, like he's been there and done that and is over it all, but I think he feels more deeply than I can ever imagine. 

*  
Inevitably, Riku and I get into a stupid little fight. It's my fault, to be honest. I misjudge how he's doing, thinking that just because he got up early and ate lunch that everything is all fixed with him.

Very gently--or, I think so, at least--I ask Riku about his mom. I ask if he knew what she had, since he said she was mentally ill. Mostly, I'm hoping it can help me put the pieces together. If maybe Riku is legitimately... if there's something not wrong but just genuinely... unbalanced, or something. I don't know. This is a big, new, scary world for me. If Riku goes beyond just sad... I'll be way out of my league.

Riku isn't fooled by my question, and he's not impressed, either.

"Don't talk about her that way," he snarls. "That's none of your business." But later in the night it's, "I'm sorry I snapped at you," and "thanks for putting up with me," so the real Riku must still be in there, somewhere.

*  
Shifting into a new city means brand new chances to screw up. It means learning to scope out how to avoid the cops, learning how to blend in, learning how to find food and water, all over again. Everything begins to meld together, but it takes us much, much longer to get from one end of town to the other. The days of hitting a town a day, with reasonable distance to differentiate them, are long gone. It's goodbye to strawberry farms and hello to open stores, 24 hour fast food places, gyms, urgent care clinics, schools. And I like it so much better, but it's just that everything seems to dredge up a memory of getting ice cream with Donald and Goofy, who I miss more than I can even say, or eating take-out in front of the TV with mom, or of keeping Dad company every time he had to run an errand when I was little and our family was whole. 

Riku and I pass a group of clothing stores, all advertising back to school sales. Man, already...Where was I this time last year? Preparing myself for another year of getting beaten up, pushed around, and laughed at. Promising myself that I would get those straight A’s Mom wanted to see so badly but secretly knowing it would never happen. Scrounging around my room for notebooks and pencils and a clean uniform because we couldn’t afford to go out and buy new things. Mom would tell me that she’d take me over to the second-hand store the day before my first day back at school for some casual Friday clothes and I’d almost be glad when she ended up busying herself with a boyfriend instead. Hanging around town with Donald and Goofy to get away from the smell of booze and making some of the best memories I’ll ever have. Sometimes I wonder if I just exaggerated how bad things were, if I just didn't focus enough on the good. I wonder if I threw my life away. 

And then I look at Riku and I know I did the right thing.

For the first time in my life I have someone who truly understands me, and through him I think I’m starting to understand myself. I don’t think I would ever have found the feelings inside me now for anyone at home, or the happiness I get just from being around Riku, from watching him slowly open up to me. For the first time I think about the future and I’m not wishing to stop something bad from coming. I only have hope. And I think that means everything.

*  
In the afternoon we stop for water at a drinking fountain next to a recreation center. Luckily no one's around, so we get to take our time filling our water bottles one by one. I didn't realize how many I'd saved up, and I find that my backpack is almost unbearably heavy once they're all full. I know I'll get strong enough to carry these in time, but for now I'm thinking that Riku's going to find himself pestered for breaks--a lot. 

“Maybe next time you should take the other fountain,” Riku says from somewhere behind me as I finish up my last bottle. Confused, I glance over to my side, to the kiddy fountain that just barely comes up to my ribs. “It might be less of a reach for you.” When I look up, he's grinning. I huff at the short joke, letting him step up to the fountain that I’d been using. The _adult_ fountain. I can’t think of a good response, but I’m half tempted to put my finger over the spout so Riku gets a face full of water. “Your face is gonna stick like that,” he says, laughing again, as he continues forward. I hide my grin from him, because that’d just be encouragement.

“I’m going to remember you said that,” I tell him, faking seriousness. “Next time you need something off a low shelf, you’re on your own.” He shoots me a smile and my heart melts. I'm so, so, so, so glad he's back.

“Rest up for a while,” Riku says next. "There's a bench around the corner. I'll meet you as soon as I'm done."

I find said bench pretty quickly, taking a seat on a side under the shade of a dark blue umbrella. I sit with my back against the table, looking out at the small green field behind the building. Against my better judgment, I kick off my shoes and peel off my socks, setting my feet on the soft, cool grass. We're toast if we have to leave in a hurry, but I doubt it'll come to that unless Riku really feels like being a weirdo.

I stretch out my legs, my toes... man, it feels great not to have my feet confined. I should get better about taking my shoes off during our breaks, I think my feet will thank me. 

I hear a heavy clunk on the table, signifying Riku's return. He's set his bag on the table and propped a food on the other side of the bench, across the table from me, to re-tie his shoes. The end of one of his shoelaces breaks and he swears under his breath. He has just enough to be able to knot the stub to the longer end, though. From there, I watch as he goes through his usual motions. Checking his bag, taking his jacket off and inspecting the bandage on his arm. He unravels the clean gauze carefully, just enough to inspect the gash beneath, and rewraps it. Just above that, I can't help but stare at the cut he gave himself at the police station, scabbed over and faded but a little puffy and angry red.

"Have you hurt yourself again?" I ask. "Since... you know." I point to the newer cut, but I don't quite touch it. Riku frowns. I knew that would hit a nerve, but what choice do I have?

"It's not like I did that to myself for fun," he replies, pulling his jacket back on. He rolls his eyes, and I kinda want to hit him a little... sympathy aside. Sometimes I forget how frustrating Riku can be when he's being himself.

"And what about the other one? The one that sent you to the hospital?"

Riku pulls his bag onto his shoulder. 

"Don’t talk about things you don't understand," he says coldly. "Now come on." He waits for me to throw my socks and shoes back on, at least. We don’t talk for a while until Riku tells me to hurry up. As I quicken my pace I move my arm in a way that sends a shooting pain down my shoulder, and it actually stops me completely. For one jolting second, I can't move. I can't even breathe.

“Riku," I gasp when I regain myself. "My back hurts."

“Congratulations,” he responds dryly. "Welcome to running away."

"Riku!"

“It’s probably all the extra weight you’re carrying. Come on, it's probably time to really evaluate what we still need and trash the rest.” 

I follow him to the last bench before the rec center field ends, turning my backpack on its side on top of the table and shaking it lightly to empty its contents in front of me. Surprisingly, I notice Riku do the same--but he sets his bag beside him, manually taking everything out.

"You just looked through everything," I point out. "So what are you clearing your bag out for?"

"I was doing inventory," Riku corrects me. "I like to keep track of where we are with food and water every day so I always know when to stock up. I haven't actually cleared anything out in a while."

I watch him hold a black t-shirt up to his body then chuck it in the trash when he deems it too small.

"Keep a spare change of clothes," he continues, his eyes sweeping over my pile of junk. "It looks like you have three shirts--one can probably go. Think hot cover and cold cover, and one change of clothes. Clothes are easy to steal, so don't worry about running out unless it looks like we'll hit a stretch of nothing again. I'd also suggest that you trash your shorts, they're looking worn and the jeans you're wearing now will be better to protect you from the sun while it's hot like this." Without a word, I toss my old shorts into the trash. A few empty snack bags and two crushed, unfillable water bottles follow, then my broken watch. I'm really poring over everything, trying to determine what can go, when Riku grabs my dad's sweatshirt. I startle, almost lunging forward to take it back. "This is really bulky but not thick enough to keep you warm. It should really go." I blush for some reason, not wanting to let him know why I want to hold onto it. I just thank him as I take it back, smoothing it out before tossing a pair of socks that are more hole than fabric. 

I watch Riku stash a notebook back in his bag, along with the pictures. If he gets keepsakes, why shouldn't I, right?

In the sunlight, I see the gleam of Riku's knife as he sets it into a pile with our food. All of his keepers.“...Will you get rid of your knife?” I ask. Riku doesn't miss a beat.

“No.”

“Please?” I ask. “I don't want you to hurt yourself.” Riku rolls his eyes for the millionth time, and tells me I just don’t get it for the billionth.

"What do you think is going on here?" he asks, staring me down.

“All I know is what you tell me,” I reply gently. “But... I think that you hurt yourself, and I don't know why, and I don't know for how long. I think that one night, you... misjudged, or slipped, and you cut too deep, and lost a lot of blood... All I know is that you could have died. You could have cut your wrists, you could have--" I stop, realizing there's a lump in my throat to contend with suddenly. "And I know you didn't. I know it was all an accident and you don't want to die, but I also know that you think you will die, and that doesn't scare you. I know you're not afraid to hurt, because no matter what you say, you cut your arm in the police office like it was no big deal, and I feel like you couldn't have done that if you'd never done it before. I know you said that you would stay with me and take me west, but I don't know what happens to you after that. I just want you to put this all behind you.” He doesn’t respond, just stares at me like I'm from another planet. 

"And if I need to defend myself," he says finally.

“You've never needed a weapon for that before. Hey, if you leave behind your knife, I’ll leave this." It hurts, but I take my dad's sweatshirt in hand, almost offering it to him the way I'm holding it out in front of me. "It's the only thing I have left of my dad, and it means everything to me. But… your safety means more. Will you do this for me?”

There’s a long pause, and he looks at me as though he’s been stung, like no one's done something like this for him before, and that's so, so wrong to me. If anyone deserves to be cared about, it's him.

“Okay,” he says finally. “You’re right.”

“Really?” I ask. I can't believe he said yes... I'm warm, head to toe. Human sunshine, probably.

“Really.” I tackle him, hugging him tight. I think it startles him, but I don’t care. I can’t believe I’m finally getting through to him! After all this time, something might _finally_ be sinking in.

“You’re making the right choice, Riku,” I murmur into his ear. “Thank you.” For a split second, he returns the embrace. Then he just pushes me away, albeit gently, and starts walking. I hurry after him, heart wrenching a little bit for leaving this piece of my dad behind. But it's all good, because we're gonna find him and then none of this will matter.

We wind back around the main building when Riku stops suddenly, turning away.

“I’ll be right back,” he assures me. I sit, confused, as I watch him walk away.


	19. The Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sora and Riku spend some time apart; Riku picks up a bad habit. Sora plays matchmaker.

I'm alone again, this time at a park on the other side of town. After Riku doubled back at the rec center, we continued on until we reached this nice, almost wooded area where we'd have a lot of cover from sun or rain. We'd barely even stepped foot onto the grass before he said he'd be right back--again. So in the meantime, I sit beneath a tree with my head cradled in my arms, dozing. I try not to think about what I just did to get Riku to ditch his knife, and focus on everything that's unfolded these past few days. I think way back to finding those missing children fliers, I relive being caught by the police--twice!--again and again and again. I drift off and think of home and Dad and that grainy, two-year-old school picture of Riku.  
   
Riku Imakura.  
   
Every time I remember he has a last name, he feels more and more like a real person with a real family. 

Riku Imakura from that small town, abandoned and let down by family. Sora Hart from the suburbs. Abandoned and let down by family. That's what should be on our fliers. I wonder if I even have one, if my face is being seen by total strangers in grocery stores or on milk cartons. I try to think of what it would say. Maybe: 

Sora Hart: Runaway. Height: 5''2' (and a half). Hair: Brown. Eyes: Blue. Last seen: with Riku Imakura (possibly dangerous). 

My school picture sitting on top, stiff smile and white dress shirt and blue tie. I haven't had to wear my school uniform in two, almost three months. I wonder if I'd even recognize myself. 

I wonder if my dad knows I'm missing. I wonder if he's looking for me too.

I wake slowly from my little nap, glancing over in the direction where Riku ran off to and resign myself to waiting until he slowly fades back into view, his figure getting taller and darker but no easier to make out through the mist. 

Man, I can’t believe how foggy it is in the afternoon here… it’s hard to see more than ten feet ahead of me. I’ve never lived by the coast or anything, so getting used to this will take some time… it must mean we’re close to the ocean. Maybe even close to my dad. 

But mostly I’m just a little spooked out.

I smile reflexively, but Riku isn’t looking very happy as he sits down next to me. I wonder if he's bummed that he had to give up his knife. I know how that feels... I'm still reeling from giving up Dad's sweatshirt, which dumb, it’s a thing… but I miss it so much. I miss it like I miss my dad.  
I whirl around to ask Riku about when he wants to head out again, since thinking about it all seems to light a fire in me, makes me want to move. Words choke in my throat when I notice that he’s moved closer, breath hitching as Riku leans into my shoulder. What is happening between us?  
   
He kissed me in front of the college building. The more I think about it, the more I think that he was the one who initiated it. He settled so close to me, he pushed his face in, he brushed his lips against mine. I want to return the favor today, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen if I'm just misinterpreting--again. If I kiss him and he doesn't want it....

"How are you feeling?" I ask without thinking. I just need to get my mind off his lips, and wanting to put mine against his. I'm already preparing for the fallout from my question... he's going to get pissed, and that's not even what I meant. I don’t mean anything.  
   
To my surprise, he just shrugs.  
   
"Cold out," he observes, not quite responding to me. I hum my response. "And it's just going to keep getting colder."  
   
"Yeah. Better than the heat, though."  
   
Riku shrugs again. "Maybe, but we're going to have a few more weeks of heat to contend with, so be ready."  
   
"What day do you think it is?" I ask.  
   
"I haven't seen a calendar for a few weeks," Riku replies dismissively. "Not since I passed that store a few towns back when you were so sick."  
   
"Guess." He leans back, making a show of rolling his eyes.  
   
"August seventeenth," he says. "Is that right?" I snort into a laugh.  
   
"Don't look at me, I don't know." He rolls his eyes again, smiling and coming to rest against me. It's only another five minutes before we get antsy; Riku rips open his bag and starts taking his daily inventory and I stand and shake my legs out, listening to the wet crunch of grass under my shoes.

"How do you feel since you got rid of that knife?” I ask. “Any change?"  
   
"Not really," Riku says, too absorbed in his obsessive task to look up at me when he speaks.  
   
"Well, I'm really relieved," I reply without prompting. "And I'm super happy for you, and proud that you're doing something good for yourself." Riku turns back to me slowly, looking at me with some weird expression on his face.  
   
"Sora, you just don't--" Whatever I don't, he seems to think better of it and goes back to his bag. "Nevermind."  
   
I watch him, just hoping my words sink in.  
   
*

Riku and I aren’t talking anymore today I guess… I don't get the impression that he's in a mood, but he sure has been giving me a lot of one word answers when I try to talk to him. He's distracted, and I don't know if there's anything I can do to help, so I just leave him be.  
   
We’ve circled around the park at least three times by the afternoon. The place is smaller than it first looked, but it shouldn't be too hard to steer clear of other people if we really need to. At any rate, it's only moderately busy and if we just stay away from this small playground near a little lake, we're pretty much in the clear.

There are picnic tables spread out all around, so I toy with the idea of asking if he wants to go and find an out-of-the-way one to sit at a little later… we still have that canned fruit, so we could have a picnic, sort of. That could be fun, right? Most of the tables are empty too, so we’ll have almost total privacy.  
   
Without a word I take Riku's arm and tug him over to the closest table. There's a family about two spaces over, but other than that it’s just him and me and the promise of not having to eat off the ground.  
   
"What are you doing?" Riku barks, startled but not angry.  
   
"Let's have a picnic. It'll be fun!"  
   
"Fun" ends up being pretty optimistic, but it's a change of pace at least. I try to eat my pears without actually tasting them. I'm already getting so sick of the sickeningly sweet taste and slimy texture.  
   
I have half a can left when I stop, still hungry, but I just can't take another bite right now. Instead I sit back and watch the family near us, trying to be subtle enough that they don't feel my stare. It's just... all the same feelings at this point. Envy and sadness, homesickness for something I've never even had, and some tiny, weird hint of happiness. The young couple across from us looks so happy with their little girl who can't be more than two. I hope they get to stay this way forever. I hope that they get to be happy and healthy and in love for the rest of their lives. Riku and I didn't get so lucky, but that doesn't mean I can't hope the best for this girl, dressed head-to-toe in pink and yellow, giggling and smiling every time her parents talk to her.  
   
I watch them until they pack and leave, taking their cooler and trash and empty plastic containers. But, weirdly... they leave food behind. A lot of it. I wonder if they saw us and just knew... I mean, what other reason is there, to clean up everything but the leftovers?  
   
I don’t know what’s with all of these random acts of kindness from people lately, but I'm not going to turn it down.  
   
Riku and I wait until they for sure clear out, then we seem to rise at once and snatch every last possible bite.  
   
Aside from half a peanut butter and jelly and a full bologna sandwich, there's about three heaping spoonfuls worth of potato salad, a little bit of macaroni salad, and a sizeable portion of fruit salad full of assorted melons. Yeah, between the two of us I think we've got this covered no problem.

"I don't think any of these will keep overnight, so we'll have to finish these before we go to sleep," Riku says. 

“Yessss,” I moan, throwing my head back. When I look back up, Riku’s smiling.  
   
We divvy the food for carrying, Riku taking the sandwiches and fruit salad, while I take the potato and mac. I hate to admit it--it literally, physically hurts--but I really do have a ton of space now that dad's sweatshirt isn't here to take it all up. Riku was right... it really is for the best.  
   
Since we're already on our feet we keep moving, although I don't really get the impression that today's going to be a travel day. I don't know what made Riku chill out, but I guess I'm grateful.

 

*

We split up to wander alone, agreeing to meet at a particularly thick tree between the playground and the tables. The park empties as the day passes, becoming prematurely dark as the sun begins to lower, descending from noon to evening. Some dim sunlight peeks through the gaps in the cover of the trees above, but it never really comes out entirely from behind the clouds and fog in the end.  
   
Distracted, I find myself wandering into a small area claimed by two teenagers that I would've otherwise steered clear of. My first instinct is to apologize profusely and leave, but somehow they have the distinct air of teen runaways. Maybe we really are all that obvious.

“Hi,” the girl says as I stand awkwardly deciding what to do, her thick ponytail swaying as she tilts her head. Her friend or partner or whatever, is a sort of scrawny boy with a hint of muscle and a head of red hair. He smiles welcomingly. "Guess you're part of the club."  
   
I'm not totally sure what she means, but I'm thinking her mind went to the same place mine just did.

“Yeah," I confirm, hesitantly taking a seat between them. It's better than towering over them, anyway.  
   
"Well, I'd offer you a t-shirt but we're all out," she quips. I don't really know if she's friendly or not, so I just laugh a little and pretend I know she is.  
   
"Nice to know we’re not the only ones out here. I’m Sora.”

“Friends call me Meg. What brings a little pipsqueak like you out into the mean world?"  
   
"Home was meaner," I say, not even thrown off by the jab at my height. I'm too desperate to relate to someone. "What about you?"  
   
“Some guys just don't know how to take 'no' for an answer." My eyes widen.  
   
"Is someone trying to hurt you?" She just shrugs like it's no big deal to her.  
   
"I'm just laying low until the jerk's temper calms. That's when I ran into Wonder Boy, here,” she signals to him with a swift motion, ”who’s just looking to find himself on some sentimental journey. Can you believe it? Some people have all the luck." That earns her a belligerent but not angry, "hey!" 

She continues on as if she never even heard, but she's smirking now. "But hey, if you're a hitchhiking teenager, there are worse people to pick you up. Don't think I'm trash-talking this clumsy oaf who doesn't know his own strength. He's not that bad a guy."  
   
The redhead dissolves into a childish pout and Meg seems to sense it, turning just in time to see before his expression is neutral again. She chuckles, shaking her head. There's so much affection between the two of them... it's like they've been companions for years, even though they've probably only known each other for a few days. I wish Riku and I were like that. Even after three months, all we really have is an uneasy peace.  
   
"I hope you get to go back," I tell her. Meg shrugs.  
   
"C'est la vie," she replies. "Wouldn't be too bad to steer clear of that cesspool for a while. Where are you off to?"  
   
"…The city," I respond a little vaguely, hoping she doesn't press.  
   
"Trying your luck?"  
   
"…Something like that."  
   
"I'm off to find my dad," the redhead pitches in, and it's all I can do not to jump all over him. "I'm not… running away, technically. I'm going back. I just had to do this on my own. I've never known him."  
   
"I'm trying to find my dad! He left when I was a kid!" I burst out. Meg's eyebrows jump.  
   
"Sure, why not? They both sound like such winners," she quips again. I ignore it, but the redhead just shakes his head affectionately. They may not show it, but they obviously like each other a lot. Like, a lot-a lot. If they aren't in a relationship, they should be.  
   
"Are you going with him?" I ask Meg instead. She almost falters for a moment.  
   
"...Maybe. Someone's gotta keep him on track, after all." I grin, maybe for a little too long because they both begin to look uncomfortable after a moment, exchanging embarrassed, half-flirty glances.  
   
"You're not alone, right?" the redhead asks suddenly, his concern evident.  
   
"No, I'm with a friend. He's just not here right now." He nods.  
   
"That's good,” he says earnestly. “I thought I could do this alone at first, but I'm glad Meg and I found each other." I catch Meg glance at him from the corner of her eye, flushing but playing it cool.  
   
"I'm really glad I found someone, too," I reply. "People aren't supposed to be so alone."  
   
"I'd rather have no company at all than be saddled with bad company," Meg retorts, but there's no particular bite to it. "Speaking of, I think your boyfriend's looking for you." My face flames; I think that's the reaction she was looking for, because she smirks before leaning back on her elbows and crossing her legs out in front of her. I look over my shoulder and sure enough, Riku's back at our meeting place, probably wondering where I ran off to. Time for me to get back. I stand, collecting my things, but I can't leave without getting the last word.  
   
"You're right... besides, I should probably leave you two alone." I grin as they falter, both blushing now. "It was really nice meeting you both. Good luck with everything!"  
   
"...Good luck," Meg responds, talking to my back.  
   
*  
   
"You're back," Riku observes, laying back against his tree, and pulling some weird cigarette from his lips so he can exhale a long stream of smoke.  
   
"You're... a smoker," I say, not bothering to hide my frown as I take a seat next to him. "That's new." He snorts.  
   
"First: no Sora, it's not. Second, I had an adventure while I was doing reconnaissance." He holds the thing up to me before sliding it back into his mouth and breathing in deep.  
   
"One you're not going to tell me about," I finish. Watching more smoke escape from him, twisting in the light, cool air, is admittedly pretty hypnotic. But then, I could watch him do just about anything... as much as I'm not thrilled about this revelation. But I just... have to trust him, I guess.  
   
The longer we sit in silence, the more distant I feel from him. It's like I'm watching him retreat into his head, become distracted. Watching him leave me. "You okay?" I ask finally.  
   
"I will be," Riku says, settling on the ground.  
   
*  
Riku ends up completely knocked out all afternoon. He only stirs when I shake him up after sundown so we can eat our fresh food before it turns, and he's barely lucid the entire time. He slips into sleep almost too easily after. I know he's probably really tired, but this doesn't sit right with me.

When darkness falls and the park finally clears out for good, I lay down next to him and close my eyes, just hoping we’ll both be able to sleep through the night. Even then, I'm pretty sure I half-listen for him to stir the entire time.

In the morning, Riku wakes up before I do-- and I’m glad. If he were still sleeping, I would have seriously panicked. I’m not ready to see him rushed to a hospital again any time soon.

“'Morning," I say, staring up at him as he stands. I stretch out on my back, hands behind my head to shield my hair from the dirt. "How are you feeling? You were asleep for a really long time.”  
   
"I feel fine," he says with a lightness that makes me actually want to believe him. "I think you're right. I've been running myself ragged and I really just needed to sit and rest." I let out a long, relieved sigh.

“Really? That’s great!” He acknowledges me with a quick smile.  
   
"Something's been bothering me, though," he continues, holding out a hand for me to take. I do, letting him pull me up onto my feet then crouching to pick up my bag as I take the bait Riku's dangling right in front of me.

“What's that?”

“We shouldn’t have just left all of our stuff out there where anyone can find it.” I feel my face scrunch a little as I try to hop onto his train of thought.  
   
"What, from the other day?"  
   
"Yeah. I know we'll be backtracking, but I say we go and get rid of that stuff for good.”  
   
"Why, though?" I ask. "Who's going to go digging through our trash?"  
   
"Probably no one. I just think we left too many identifying things behind. All of my missing fliers were in there... who else would have collected so many and just trashed them?"  
   
"But don't you think the trash was probably collected at this point? It's been three days."  
   
"What, do you want to risk it?" I hesitate; it just seems silly to go back at this point, but when Riku feels strongly about something, he's usually right. My concession comes in the form of a weak shrug, and as usual I just... follow him and try to trust his judgment.  
   
*  
Doubling back is unexpectedly emotional, like I’m two seconds away from crying at any given time. Maybe there's some sort of relief that comes with familiarity, of being able to see the same thing twice and have a feel for where we are in the world. I know my relief will make it twice as hard to leave again. I can’t wait to be settled.  
   
We work our way down from one end of the recreation center field to the other, glancing in every wire trash can we find until we get to ours, still untouched and out in the open where anyone can see. And my dad's sweatshirt, right on top, no dirtier than when I left it. Right in my reach. I’m almost tempted to take it all back, to tell Riku he can have his knife back, or bargain with him, just so I can have one last piece of my dad. Just one token, one thing that serves no purpose but to comfort me and remind me of why I’m here.

But why does that matter, when I know I’ll find him?

“We found it. What now?” I ask Riku. Riku responds by pulling a match from his bag and lighting it in one swift motion, throwing it on the pile. It ignites, my stomach drops—it’s too late to go back now--and I’m wondering if Riku really thought this through. What if the fire gets out of control? What if this earns us unwanted attention?  
   
Still, I join him, sitting in the soft grass in front of our makeshift bonfire. The heat does feel kinda refreshing on a cool morning after a cold night. 

It feels like we spend the rest of the day huddled near the fire, basking in its warmth. The regret from what I did comes and goes in cycles, but the feel of Riku by my side numbs the ache a little.

After all, a shirt is just a thing, no matter who it belonged to, so it really shouldn’t matter.


	20. Shelter

The sky is cloudy by the time we set out in the morning. It looks like it may rain again, and with the golden light from our fire long gone, the day seems dim and drab. It's a long, quiet walk back to the park.  
   
"I'm kinda getting cold," I say unnecessarily after the silence gets to be too much. Losing that stupid sweatshirt for good feels like losing Dad again, and I just find myself playing the morning I woke up and realized he was gone, over and over again. Twelve hours isn't enough time to process my loss.  
   
"It's pretty cold," Riku agrees, smiling wider than I've ever seen. A grin looks out of place on his usually solemn face, but it makes me fall in... whatever this is that I feel for him all over again. “I know what'll warm us up, though... I’ll race you back to the park.”

I must stare at him forever. I just can't believe those words actually came out of his mouth. _Riku_ wants to do something _fun_?  
   
"I--uh--yeah!" Something goading and immature is gonna come out next, something about how I'll kick his butt, but the moment's already gone.

“Forget it. Come on,” he says, grin already faded, as he turns and walks away. I didn’t think that he’d take my surprise as “go back to being mad at everything”... how did I manage to screw up his entire mood?

“Wait up,” I call, hurrying over, just taking it as a good sign that Riku slows his pace for me.  
   
"You wouldn't have won, anyway," Riku says lowly as I catch up. I stop in my tracks, eyebrows shooting up before I can stop them. I'm quicker on the uptake this time.  
   
"Yeah, you wish," I respond, snorting. "Whatever make--" My sentence is drowned out by Riku's eerily similar thought:  
   
"Whatever makes you feel better." I can't stomp down the ridiculous grin that forms on my face. When did we get so in tune with each other?  
   
*  
The rest of our morning passes in little naps and extended breaks when we reach the park again. I ask Riku what his plan is, since normally we'd have been long gone by now and backtracking would be totally out of the question. He's surprisingly candid, sparing me his stupid "you wouldn't understand my complex mind process" crap in favor of the truth. Or as close as he's willing to get to the truth with me, anyway.  
   
"We have a lot of cover here and we don't necessarily stick out. It doesn't look like there's much police activity, either. This is probably the safest we're going to be for a long time, so I'd rather we get our strength up since we've both been sick these past few months. Tomorrow we can get moving again."  
   
"The sleep's been nice," I admit. "When do you think we can pinpoint where we are? You know, so I can figure out where my Dad could be? I get that things have been crazy, but... I kind of want to get back to that." I see Riku hesitate, thinking.  
   
"Soon, Sora. The next time we hit up a convenience store, I promise I'll grab a map of the area. I don't suppose yours is of any use anymore?" I shake my head.  
   
"Nope, it was just of the county and I think I must have been on the outskirts by the time I picked it up." Riku nods, like he isn't really surprised. "Besides, I trashed it the other day so even if it could help... it's ashes now." Riku still looks thoughtful, leaning back to rest up against a tree behind him. I watch his eyes narrow as he stares off to the side, arms crossed.  
   
"Soon," he repeats, meeting my eyes again. "I'll make sure you're on track."

“Thanks.” He smiles at that, for once taking it in and not just acting like it isn't a big deal, like it all means nothing to him. "How are our supplies looking?" He pulls his bag onto his lap, following the inventory process I don't understand but can practically map out at this point.  
   
"We're starting to run low on the food you bought. Honestly, I'm amazed it lasted almost a month. But we're good on water."  
   
"And that's the most important thing," I supply, basking in Riku's somewhat prideful look. See, it really does sink in.

"That's right," he says.  
   
"So... we're gonna have to steal something soon, then."  
   
"Unfortunately, yeah. And we'll need to be more careful than ever, since there will probably be increased security the closer we get into the city."

For some reason, his slight discomfort at the idea comforts me. Maybe he's not so cool with it after all. 

He slows, becoming more careful as he digs deeper into his bag. It's weird that he isn't taking things out like he usually does. It's even weirder when I scoot closer to him and he literally turns his entire body, sliding his bag further out of my sight. I catch him unfold a t-shirt, which causes an empty water bottle to fly out and roll onto the grass. He reaches out for it at about the same time I do and our hands clash in a nice little romantic moment... you know, if things were more settled between us.  
   
I haven't forgotten our almost-kiss from the other day. I replay it in my head over and over on nights I can't fall asleep, wondering where it could have led if we were alone... It’s the only thing I have to hold on to.  
   
I brush my hand over his once, sort of intentionally, as he grabs the bottle and tosses it back in. Slowly, experimentally, I brush my hand against his again, coming to stroke his knuckles with my thumb twice before letting go. He watches me the whole time, like he never knows what I'm gonna do next. As if I'd just lunge forward and attack or something, with my lips or... I dunno, anything else. I don't think he'll ever really trust me. I'm not sure sometimes if I completely trust him. 

No, that’s not it-- I do, and have been. Every once in a while he just... shakes my confidence a bit.  
    
"You hungry?" I ask, already starting to unzip my backpack, intent on going on a snack hunt.  
   
"Yeah, but I can wait." I hesitate then, looking back up at a Riku who looks about two seconds away from catching another nap. Just when I'm wondering if I should wait too, Riku squashes the thought. I swear he can read my mind sometimes. "But don't wait for me. If you're hungry, eat." I look at him for a moment longer than I really need to as I reach for whatever snacks I have readily available in my backpack—and nick myself on something sharp.  
   
Ow! I draw back rapidly, nursing my poor, lightly bleeding pointer finger. I look back, realizing that I overshot and reached into Riku's bag, not mine--And that I just hurt myself by ramming my fingers right into a knife.

The knife that Riku said he left behind.

Numb with shock, I reach in and take it out, staring at the thing in my hand like I can't believe it. I can't believe it.  
   
...Yes I can.

"...What's this?" I ask dumbly. As if I don't know. I stare up at Riku like I don't even recognize him, like he's a stranger...and for the first time I realize he is a stranger and I don't know why I didn't see it before now. It isn't that he lied--I should have seen that coming. If I weren't so stupidly blinded by his little smiles and his sudden willingness to joke around, I would have known he was just BS-ing me. 

But we made a deal. I left behind my Dad's sweatshirt for him. And then Riku burned it along with everything else, and it hurt but I did it because I thought it meant Riku would be safe... and the whole time...  
   
He let me destroy the one thing I have left of my dad. He looked me in the eye and told me he would do this for me, knowing what I was willing to sacrifice, and he let me do it. He let me do it! Knowing that he was lying to me. Knowing what this meant to me.  
   
I blink back tears, hating that my body wants me to start crying over this. Like a weak little kid, that's my first instinct.

“Sora,” Riku murmurs, placing a gentle hand on my arm. I just shake it off, taking a massive step back and slamming into a tree behind us. I don't even care if he laughs at me as I wipe my eyes on my sleeve, stumbling to put as much distance between us as possible. I don’t want him touching me, I don’t want him anywhere near me. Right now, I just hate him. And myself, for actually trusting him after all the times he's lied to me or kept things from me. “Sora, just listen to me.”

“How could you do that?” My voice is the strongest part of me. I sound strong and imposing, not like I'm seconds away from just crumpling on the ground. I feel like I can actually see him clearly for the first time, like I can actually weigh what he's willing to cost me over nothing.

“Please, just hear me out. If we can just talk about this, I know you'll--”

"Now you want to talk?!" I whirl around to face him, shouting. He starts to take another step back but stops himself, standing tall.  
   
"Isn't that what you wanted?" Riku asks. For a long time, all I can do is stare at him. Yeah, it was what I wanted. For months on end it was one of the only things I wanted. Can I even get myself to care anymore?  
   
"I want you to go away," I respond. Riku looks stricken, but only for a moment. "This was stupid."

“You’re right,” he says. “This was a bad idea. We should never have gone together. But I'm sorry. I really am sorry.” His useless apology sets me off again, sending a destructive, righteous spike of anger straight through me.  
   
"Yeah, so what if you are? It doesn't change anything. You never change." There's an edge to Riku's voice as he responds.  
   
"And you always said I didn't need to." I could hit him. I want to. But that won't do anything. Nothing I say or do gets through to him, ever. I'm so done. I think more than anything, I'm done.  
   
"That was before I realized how terrible you are," I reply. Riku snorts.  
   
"I've never hidden that from you."  
   
"Yeah, maybe that's the one thing you don't bother to hide. Did you even care if I found my dad?"  
   
He stops.  
   
"...What do you mean?"  
   
"I mean, you told me we were going to get a map three weeks ago and never did it. We've had plenty of opportunities. You have every move we make planned out, and I've never heard you once mention finding my dad in there. You promised you would help. You promised."  
   
"Sora--"  
   
"I don't care. Once you said that I slow you down, but I guess you're the one who's been slowing me down. You never wanted my help, anyway."  
   
"So you're giving up?" He goads me, but I don't even take it.  
   
"No, I'm moving on."  
   
I pick a direction and walk. He doesn't follow.  
 

*  
I drop my backpack on the grass; it thunks and flops slightly forward, but not enough to fall into the small man-made lake by the playground. From across the water, I watch the empty swings sway lightly in the breeze for what seems like hours. I need to just get my head together before I go, and maybe to stop feeling like I've just been gutted. I think the worst part is... the more I think about this, the less surprised I am. If I'd really been paying attention, I'd have known exactly what was going on. I should have assumed that Riku never planned to help me and let it be. I don’t know what he wanted from me in the first place.  
   
Maybe he really did just want to help me survive. Maybe I should have just left it at that. But no, I couldn't do that. Every time I saw something in him that I thought was salvageable, I had to bend over backward to try and pry it out of him. But it's not worth it. Riku is an anti-social, damaged, manipulative, compulsive liar and maybe it's best that he's left alone. I still think there's good in him, but it's out of my hands. I've been played, and now I just want to pick up the pieces and move on.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I lean back against the grass. Riku's necklace is a heavy, cold weight against my chest. Once I found it comforting, but now I just feel suffocated. Hauling myself back up, I clumsily search for the clasp behind my neck and fumble opening it about four times before I can get a decent grip. Getting this thing off me feels freeing.  
   
I glance down at the silver pendant in the palm of my hand. I should give this back to Riku. I'm sure he'll want it, since there's no chance I'm keeping it. Plus... it seems kind of official that our partnership is through, if I don't keep any mementos.

A quick scan of my surroundings tells me that there's no sign of Riku though, so maybe I should just trash it. I mean, that's fair, right? His mom's necklace for my dad's sweatshirt? If he can decide not to care, I can decide not to care. Right?  
   
That settles it. I'm just going to chuck this thing in the lake and get out of here. Hopefully I won't run into Riku ever again.  
   
His necklace dangs from my fist as I raise my arm, pulling back, and let go.

It hits me a second later how mean it is, what I just did. Heart in my throat, I lurch forward out of some hope that I can get it back. I don’t even know why, I just really, desperately want to undo this.  
   
I feel the chain just barely slide through my fingers when I slip on the slick grass beneath my knees, plunging into the freezing water below. My first instinct is to gasp for air, but luckily I pull my wits together fast enough to avoid swallowing a mouthful of water. 

My stinging, burning eyes shut on their own, completely destroying what little visibility I have. Heart pounding, I flail, just trying to do anything I can to get my head above water. It's impossible to tell where I am and every time I breach the surface, I just barely get enough air to tide me over until I begin to sink again.  
   
I won't be able to hold my breath like this. If I go under... it's over. I'm so close to finding Dad, I just know it, and the last things I said to Riku and my mom were out of anger... And the worst part is, I may never get the chance to take it all back.

Through my dizzy weakness, I hear my name but I can't tell where it's coming from. Or if it's even real.  
   
"Sora—Sora!"  
   
...Riku?  
   
I try to push myself closer to the sound, but I'm so blinded I can't tell if I'm even moving. That's about when the panic really sets in, and I just do everything I can to thrash my way out of this. I gasp, coughing, when a hand wraps around my wrist, pulling me roughly, painfully, toward the shore. A second hand joins, clutching my shirt and together both hands give a stern pull up. I desperately grope around until hitting what I think is dry land. The hands loosen, and I use the last of my strength to push myself out of the water.  
   
I'm coughing and sputtering, gulping breathfuls of crisp air as I claw the ground beneath me. I'm sure the lack of oxygen has gone to my head... I'm still feel like I'm either hallucinating, or dead. Slowly, I pry open my eyes, gasping for breath and shaking harder than I ever have in my life. This can't be a hallucination... it's just too real. I stare down at the grass below me, out to the trees and through a break in the greenery I see a car pass. For some reason, that's what makes it all sink in.  
   
I'm alive. And Riku's here.  
   
...he did not...  
   
Gasping, shivering, and soaked to the bone, I watch as Riku makes his way over to his bag about ten feet away. He doesn't even bother to sling it over his shoulder, he just grabs the strap and lets it drag almost on the ground as he rushes back to my side.  
   
"Keep your eyes open," he demands, panting. I don't have time to question it before he's pouring water from one of his bottles into my eyes. I struggle, crying out, still terrified and this is not helping.  
   
"what--what are you--"  
   
"I'm sorry. Just a little more. Hold still."  
   
Of course I don't. I blink and fuss and shout until he deems it necessary to hold me down using his free hand. And here comes the second bottle. I'm crying, shaking, coughing, as it hits me, stinging my eyes and splashing into my hair, onto my clothes--not that anything could make me any wetter.  
   
"Did you swallow any water?" Riku asks.  
   
"What?"  
   
"From the lake. Did you swallow any water?"  
   
"I--no, I don't think so--"  
   
"Good," he says. With that he finally stops the assault, backing away and giving me the space to sit up. I blink rapidly, my vision blurring and swimming. It takes more than a minute for me to be able to make out basic shapes, but then everything seems to come to pretty quickly.  
   
"What was that for?" Now that he looks like a person and not a blob, I whirl around to Riku, barking my question.  
   
"I just--The water wasn’t clean, I didn't want your eyes to get infected. I'm sorry I scared you." He sounds hesitant, like I'm going to do something to him if he says something wrong. Exasperated, all I can do is thank him for saving me. Again. And I am thankful, really, but at this point I can't help but be a little annoyed, too. Will I ever stop owing him one? "Let's get you washed off. Are you okay to walk? There's a bathroom on the other side of the park."  
   
"Yeah," I grumble, rising to my feet and following him. "I can walk."  
   
"What were you even doing?" Riku asks, more to himself than to me. I act like I haven't heard, hitting him with a statement instead.  
   
"I thought you left."  
   
"I had. I came back to refill my water bottles. It's a good thing... I don't want to think of what would have happened if no one had been there."  
   
"I would have died," I point out obviously. He swallows hard.  
   
"Yeah. You would've."  
   
I can't stop glancing at him all the way to the bathroom. Zombie-like, I follow him in. He looks tired. As tired as I feel.  
   
I don't even argue with Riku as he strips me to my boxers, washing me down with soap and paper towels. I just redress in my spare dry clothes and try to squash down my shivering when he’s done.  
   
"This doesn't change anything,"  
   
"I didn't think it would," Riku responds softly.  
   
I turn and walk out of the bathroom without thanking him again. Frustratingly, I hear the bathroom door open and shut right behind me, so I'm not going to get a head start.  
   
"Please..." he calls from behind me. I slow unconsciously. "Can we just talk before you go." In Riku's usual manner, he's asking but it's not a question so much as it is a command. I just can't bother anymore.  
   
"You've never wanted to talk before," I repeat.  
   
"I know. But I do now. I'm sorry. I just need you to understand."  
   
"I don't have any reason to trust you."  
   
"...I know."  
   
For some reason, it's his admission that calms me enough to at least be willing to hear him out.

“Let’s get you dried off a little first,” he says, walking off somewhere and coming back when he finds a towel someone must have left behind. He wraps the towel around me tight and rubs my arms, my shoulders; the warmth is instant. I can’t decide whether I’m so angry I want him to stop, or so relieved I want him to never let go. He does, though--all too soon. Or maybe I'm just not ready for him to start explaining himself.  
“Sora... Listen, I’m sorry. But you need to hear me out.” I let out a short breath through my nose, like a horse. “It’s dangerous out here and you don’t get that. Sure, you got a taste of it your first night out here, but since then I’ve looked after you. I can‘t walk around unguarded. Physical fighting… hitting and kicking only does so much.”  
   
"Okay. Fine." He looks disheartened at my response, his face and shoulders dropping.  
   
"I really, really did want to leave it behind for you,” he continues. “And I did at first. But the further we got, the more I realized that I was leaving us both completely open to... anything that could happen. I remembered that we might not have gotten away from the police if I hadn't sliced my arm, and all the times that I felt safe by myself because I knew I had back up if anything happened. So I went back for it."

“You didn't have to lie. You could have told me straight out. You could have let me know when you went back for it.”

"I was afraid. I'm sorry." That's a jarring thing to hear from him.  
   
"Afraid of what?" I ask.  
   
"I don't know. Afraid of telling you the truth. Saying goodbye. Losing this... thing we have. Watching you go." I can't even believe him at this point. Shaking my head, I let out a grumble.  
   
"You're not afraid of anything."  
   
"I'm afraid of everything," he says.  
   
"...Getting caught by the police, maybe."  
   
"I'm afraid of everything."  
   
For the first time through this conversation I muster the guts to really look at him. Maybe I've been reading him wrong this whole time. Or maybe I was right all along.  
   
"...are you afraid of me?" I ask quietly. I watch him debate with himself before answering.  
   
"Sometimes. I'm afraid of succumbing to illness or wounds or thirst, but I'm afraid of surviving, too. I'm afraid of going back and of not going back. I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of myself."  
   
"I wouldn't hurt you."  
   
"You can say that. It doesn't mean you won't. Besides... I'm just as worried about hurting you, or you getting hurt because of me... I didn't think things would get so complicated."  
   
"You and me both," I say, laying on my back, hands under my head. The anger dissipates a little, but I still know what I have to do, and I'm not sad about it. We can't go on like this, and nothing's going to change. So we just need to end it now.  
   
"So this is it, then," Riku says. 

"...yeah. I guess this is it."  
   
"I hope you find your dad."  
   
"Thanks. I hope you find what you're looking for, too. And I'm glad we met." He smiles at me, nodding, and that's when I remember the necklace I almost died for. "Hey, before you go--"

“Excuse me?” We're interrupted by a woman's voice, young-sounding with a distinctive Southern twang. I catch Riku spin around, tense and ready to fight, until he realizes that this woman is no taller than he is and maybe only about five years older. “Do you two live around here?”

“...Not exactly...” I hear myself reply.

“Do you have a place to stay for the night?” I look from the woman’s face over to Riku, then back.  
   
We’re screwed.  
   
"Here, why don't you come with me? I'm not going to turn you in to anyone. But ya'll look like you could use some place to sleep and a nice hot meal."  
   
I feel like I must gawk at her forever before I stand, nodding and not even knowing why. For some reason, I immediately trust her bright, open face and dimpled smile. Even in a plain blouse and slacks, she looks like a princess--and carries herself like one too. 

We agree to go with her, walking side by side, but we're not going together. Only an idiot would pass up the opportunity for no strings attached shelter, which is the only reason why Riku and I don't quite part ways yet. Or so I tell myself.

From there it’s just walking and walking and walking, out into the groups of buildings, through crosswalks, trying to keep up with her quick stride for at least a mile until we reach a simple building that’s a bit on the short side but long enough to stretch half the block.  
    
"Let's get you boys set up,” she says, holding the door open for us both before taking the lead again. “Tomorrow we can iron out the details, but ya'll must be exhausted." She turns to me, reaching out and squeezing my shoulder lightly. For some reason I'm blushing. "Now, how old are you, sugar?"

“Fourteen,” I mumble, shy for maybe the first time in my life. She looks up to Riku, who catches on and answers before she even gets to ask.

“Fifteen,” Riku says quickly, rushing to his next point. "You aren't separating us, are you? We've been together a long time." I can tell Riku knows just how hard I'm staring at him right now, even if he doesn't acknowledge it. What is he doing?

"I'm sure we can find a room with two empty beds," she says brightly. She motions for us to stay where we are as she continues down the hall and over to a desk just nearly out of my line of vision. I strain to listen; it's just quiet enough for her voice to carry down to us. "Naveen--do we have room for two more to settle in one room? Incoming greens, both teenage males? Together, if we can. They seem to be... familiar." She places a particular emphasis on that word. The implication is not lost on either of us. Riku shoots me a little smirk, and even I have to contain laughter. "Nah, I don't think it'll be a problem."  
   
"I guess we're familiar now," I joke.  
   
"Better than familial," Riku replies, grinning. "I think it'd be hard for us to pass as brothers."  
   
"So... should we say anything about it?" I ask. Riku shrugs.  
   
"We can. Or we can just play along and see what happens." That's an interesting thought.  
   
We snicker as she approaches, leading us back down the hall to the clerk, a man who pretty much embodies the phrase “tall, dark, and handsome.” He shoots us a toothy grin as we pass, turning a corner and into a shorter hallway with two doors on each side and an emergency exit at the end.

The young woman holds out her arm when she reaches the last room on the left side, so Riku and I both file in. All of the cots that have been taken are pretty clearly marked with a name placard so I toss my things on the first free one I can find, which happens to be the first one to the left, nearest the door. Riku gravitates to the first one he sees, too, right under a mid-sized window against the back wall. There are like, three empty cots closer to me that he could've picked, but neither of us budge. It's fine and all, but... I can't help but notice we're already separating. This is really happening.  
   
"Well, you boys get yourselves settled in. Lunch is in ten minutes and we'd love for you to join us. The dining room is just down the hall, help yourselves. By the way--my name is Tiana, and you don't need to tell me anything if you aren’t ready to."  
   
Riku sends her a small nod, and I give her a little thank you for the hospitality. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I find myself relieved she isn't going to ask for my name or prod for more information. Riku must be as over the moon--finally, someone will afford him some privacy! 

I jump a little as a boy maybe a little older than Riku and I files in, small and slight with short, dark hair parted on the side. He acknowledges me when he walks in, with a shy smile and the smallest tilt from his head as he drops a small bag next to the cot on my right. Looks like I have a bunk buddy, so to speak.  
   
"Hey," I greet him lightly, smiling too. He opens his mouth, obviously intending to give me a hi, but nothing comes out. Looking embarrassed, he clears his throat and gives it another try.  
   
"Hi," he says. "Did you just get in?" He laughs a little nervously. I can't help but notice he hasn't looked me in the eyes once. It's too bad--he has these incredible blue eyes, all dark and deep. "I mean--obviously, right?" I grin, shrugging.  
   
"Yeah, just a few minutes ago. Have you been here a while?"  
   
"Yeah, kind of." I wait for an elaboration, but nothing comes. Unlike Riku, he seems shy instead of just stubborn and private. I’m pretty good at handling shyness.

"When did you get in?"  
   
"Two weeks ago?" he says, like he's asking me. "I'm going to be moved into a more permanent room soon." I feel my eyebrows jump up. Of course they have other arrangements--this place is massive, and I bet there really are kids with no other place to go. Kids who have been orphaned or disowned or even emancipated. Maybe Riku should consider making his stay here a little more... long-term than I'm sure he's planned for.

I shoot an experimental glance over at Riku. He’s watching us, which I wasn't expecting. A blush creeps into my cheeks and ears as I turn back to my new friend.  
   
"...I'm probably passing through," I tell him, now thrown off and distracted. "I'm looking for my dad." Thankfully, he doesn't prod. I don't think I'm up to answering questions.  
   
"Maybe Tiana can help," he suggests, still a little red. "I don't know how, but maybe she'll know what to do."  
   
"...Huh." Somehow I never even considered that, but then I've only been here for ten minutes and I'm still processing absolutely everything. I guess my one worry is that she'll want to get my mom involved, but I could just ask around, see if anyone knows if I'm near the coast, or just where I am....  
"That's a really good idea." When I look up, he's glowing from the compliment. I think I'm glowing, too. "So, lunch is almost ready, right? Do you want to show me where I can get some food?" He nods, rising from his seat, and I follow. Before we exit the room, though... I should probably... "Hey Riku, you wanna come with us?" I feel my new friend tense next to me, which makes me second guess extending the invitation.  
   
"No," Riku says. Nothing else. Not even a "no thanks". Jeez...  
   
I leave him to do inventory for the millionth time, even though it's nagging at me that Riku is passing up a substantial meal. We're halfway to the dining area and just the smells that are wafting my way make me want to cry, it's so good. But none of this is sitting right to me, so I have no choice but to double back, asking my friend to wait for me and just hoping I won't hold him up.  
   
"Forget something?" Riku asks, barely even looking at me when I walk in.  
   
"No. I just came in to tell you that you should really eat something. Free food is hard to find, and you need all the calories you can get in order to stay strong. You told me that." Riku almost rolls his eyes, shifting away from me as he begins putting things back in his bag.  
   
"Looks like you're making friends already." I'm blindsided by the comment. Is he jealous?

“Kind of? I don’t know. Hey, let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.”

“I have plenty of food,” he says. I blink, staring blankly at him. He's beyond reason.

"I'll bring you back something," I tell him, leaving no room for refusal.

"Okay. Fine."  
   
"Sure. We’re familiar, after all." Some over-the-top eyebrow-waggling seals the joke, and Riku snorts loudly.

I am so not letting this go.

 


	21. A New "We"

The second walk to the cafeteria is quiet and comfortable. I finally get my new friend's name, Xi, although he gives it to me with too much thought, like that may not be his real name. I get it. But it doesn't stop me from giving him my real name without a worry. I feel safe here, and if there was anyone I had to be wary about, it wouldn't be Xi. There's an instant connection between us. I wonder if he feels it, too? I mean, it's not as electric as what I felt when I first met Riku but... it's definitely nice. And honestly, not feeling so intense, like I'm just gonna die if I don't get to touch him, is a relief for sure. He's comfortable to be around, even if he looks like he's gonna crawl out of his skin any second.  
   
I smile at him as he head into the dining area, a large, cafeteria-style spread with a large open space set up in the center with tables and chairs spread around. We must be some of the first ones here, because the line is short and only one of the tables is occupied, by two very small-looking girls who have their heads nearly together while they talk, their food sitting untouched in front of them. The idea of seeing food in front of me and not cramming it into my mouth seems bizarre. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I'm in the clear, or if I'm gonna worry about starving for the rest of my life.  
   
Xi and I queue up behind a group of four boys a little younger than us, all chattering about what's for lunch. We grab trays, resting our elbows on the small metal counter until employees start bringing out food from the kitchen. That sends my stomach into overdrive--with all the excitement today, it never even occurred to me that I haven't eaten yet... and the smells alone are enough to make me crazy. Reflexively, I turn my head to tell Riku how happy I'll be to have some food in my stomach, especially if it tastes as incredible as it smells.  
   
Oh--right.  
   
Riku's absence makes my stomach hurt too, but in a different way.  
   
If I don't get him to eat now, he won't eat at all. And I know no one's gonna get him to eat but me. So there goes my plan to bring Riku my leftovers... I should probably stay and eat with him, just to be sure. Abandoning Xi like this makes me feel kind of crummy, but I'll be happy to give him a rain check and join him as soon as I can. Right now...I just don't want Riku to be alone.  
   
I grab a second tray from the stack behind me, maneuvering my arm a little painfully to avoid hitting the girl next in line.  
   
"Xi," I say, raising my voice to be heard over the sudden racket of twenty more teens piling in and lining up. He turns to look at me, eyes deer-in-the-headlights wide."I'm going to bring food back to my friend so we can eat together, is that okay?" It might just be my imagination, but I swear I catch his face fall a little. Against my better judgment, I invite him along. Riku will _not_ be happy about this...  
   
Xi flushes an ugly blotchy sort of color, up from his neck to his ears.  
   
"We're not allowed to eat in the rooms," is his version of "no thanks", I think. I shrug.  
   
"Well... I'm gonna give it a shot. Cover for me." I grin, hoping it'll help him realize I'm teasing because he looks suddenly terrified. It takes a moment, but his wide-eyed gape melts into a small smile. I think I was this close to giving him an all-out panic attack for a second.  
   
Behind us, the line continues to build. Man... I can't believe how many kids are here. It makes me ache... we should all be home. Not in a home.  
   
"Is it always this busy?" I ask, maybe a little rhetorically. "There's so many of us..."  
   
"I guess they must get a lot of runaways from the city," Xi responds, his voice high and nervous-sounding. Every so often I notice him shaking a little. Wonder if he's getting over a cold or something, or if he's really just that jittery. "I guess sleeping on the beach gets old after a while."  
   
The beach?  
   
I swallow hard, nodding. We really are close to the coast, then! Oh man, I could just hug Xi right now, except I think he'd have a heart attack if I did. Man, I feel like _I'm_ going to have a heart attack. We might actually be close. If my gut feeling about where to find my dad is right, which I really, really think it is... at the very least, we might be on the right track, on the right side of the country. It could just be a matter of going north or south a bit...  
   
Wait, do I keep saying "we"? Riku... we aren't going together anymore. I almost forgot we decided that. After everything, I’ll be going at it alone...  
   
...Maybe I should just focus on the food for now, especially now that it's so close. The line finally starts to move as the chefs finish bringing out massive pans of food, soups and salads, meat and vegetables, and an array of sauces and dressings of every color. I'm almost bouncing in place. I just want to tear into it all.  
   
"Hungry?" One of the chefs, a huge man with tons of teeth whose name tag reads Louis, asks loudly. He has a mean face--for some reason he reminds me of a very well-fed alligator-- but it all melts when he starts laughing heartily at the sight of me. I even find myself laughing, even though my face is red hot. Luckily I'm only getting a few stares.  
   
He serves me up two plates of some sort of spicy-smelling stew and sends me on my way. I don't even realize that my stomach was in a knot until the next chef serves me up two servings of salad, mostly iceberg lettuce with some shredded carrots thrown in. I thought I was in trouble for a second.  
   
I pass through the rest of the line without incident, ending up with two very heavy, very full trays by the end of it all. Xi and I separate as I make a beeline for the door. He takes a table by himself, which sends a pang of guilt through me, but I have my own loner to worry about. Besides, Xi can always join us after if he wants. I think I made that clear. Or I hope I did, anyway.  
   
The further I walk down the hall, my wrists and elbows aching from the strain, the more I'm regretting this decision. Just watch as I literally hand deliver Riku an incredible lunch only for him to not eat a single bite.

Riku is older and more experienced than I am--something he's never missed an opportunity to shove down my throat--so why am I still taking care of him like this? If he starves himself, that’s not my problem. We aren't even together anymore, as friends or partners or... whatever we were becoming.  
   
...But that doesn't mean I can't still care about him.  
   
The decision almost hits me in the head. Yeah. That's right--I can still care about him, even after everything. Especially after everything. After this we go our separate ways, but I can't deny that he's taken good care of me. For now, I still want to return the favor.  
   
"And just where are you going with all that food?" I jolt at the sound of Tiana's voice, nearly dropping both trays splat on the ground.  
   
"Oh--um--I--" I look up at her, hands on her hips, but she's smiling.  
   
"Food belongs in the cafeteria, not the halls," she lightly chastises. It puts me at ease enough to try and argue my way out of this.  
   
"It's just--my friend, he's too shy to come out and I really want him to eat something." She considers me for a moment, but I'm pretty sure she already knows her answer.  
   
"Well, all right. But just this once, you hear?" I grin, nodding.  
   
"Thank you!" I speed off as best as I can, listening to the light tap of her shoes as she continues down the hall. But before too long, I turn and call back to her. "Wait, Tiana--can I ask you something real quick?"  
   
"Of course."  
   
Suddenly embarrassed at the stupidity of my question, I stammer, "Where am I? I mean, what city am I in?" She just looks at me sympathetically, something on her face that I can't totally place.  
   
"You're in New Nereid, sweetheart."  
   
"...Where's that?"  
   
"Well, the closest city is Okeanos, about twenty-five miles south."  
   
Okeanos. That sounds familiar. Or is it just wishful thinking?  
   
"Are we by the ocean?" She nods yes once. I swallow hard, trying to downplay the thumping of my heart I'm sure she can hear from six feet away.  
   
"Just wondering. Thanks."  
   
I can hear my heart in my ears the walk back to my temporary room. I might be close. After all of this, I might be close to my dad.  
   
I rush to Riku, a new spring in my step.  
   
“Delivery,” I tell Riku as I walk into the room, presenting the first tray to him. He takes it from me carefully, setting it in his lap, but says nothing. “We aren’t supposed to eat in the rooms, though, so this is a one shot deal.” I take a seat in the cot across from him, tray in my lap, glad to have my hands free.  
   
“...Thanks."  
   
“I hope you're hungry." I motion to the small cup of the stew, something I've heard of but never tried that I heard a kid behind me in line refer to as gumbo, "So, that's going to be kind of spicy, I think there's chicken in it. I also got you some salad but I didn’t know what dressing you'd like, so I just got that orange-looking one and hope you like it. There's meatloaf, um... got you some broccoli and cornbread..."  
   
"I can see, Sora." Riku cuts me off, but he isn't harsh about it. I don't even respond, I just start cramming food into my mouth. Somewhere in the back of my head I register that this is probably the best food I've ever tasted in my life, but mostly all I can care about is that fullness is actually right there, in my grasp. I will never take this for granted as long as I live. I wonder if they'd let me have seconds...  
   
My gumbo bowl is licked clean, my salad devoured, and my meatloaf a distant memory before I look up to Riku, who's swirling his last broccoli head into some leftover salad dressing. He's restrained as usual, but it's good to see him eating something. He cuts his meatloaf into small pieces with the side of his fork, finally spearing one and popping it into his mouth. He chews slowly before taking his next bite, forever distracted and distant and in his own head.  
   
“Are you okay?” I ask.  
   
"It's just been... a really long time since I've had good food," he says quietly.  
   
"...oh. Right."  
   
I polish off my vegetables while Riku gets working on the rest of his lunch. For a long time, the only sound in the room comes from Riku's fork as it clinks against the ceramic dishes. I just stare off and take a breather, letting myself relax as much as I can. I'm exhausted to the point of just being sick of consciousness and thinking and feeling. I hope I get to sleep soon. I can't wait to sleep.  
   
As tempting as it is to pass out on my cot, I run my tray and Riku's back to the cafeteria once we're both done, sliding them into a pile for cleaning before dipping out and back to the room.  
   
I head back to my little space, about four beds away from Riku but staring out his window. It's too misty to make anything out, although every so often I catch a car's headlights speed past.  
   
"Tiana came by while you were gone," Riku says suddenly. I shift my gaze a few inches to the left, looking at him while he talks to me. "I told her you were cleaning up."  
   
“Oh, thanks.”  
   
“She kept coming by while you were getting lunch, too," he continues. "...Sora, why do you think she feels like she needs to check in on us so often?” My brows furrow.  
   
"...Because we're new here?" I answer, but I can tell that's not what he's looking for. “I don’t get what you’re asking.”  
   
“Well... what does she think we’re doing in here? All by ourselves?”  
   
It hits me all at once, the realization causing that all-too-familiar heat to rush up to my cheeks. Does she really think that we'd be fooling around? Here?  
   
“…Oh.” I rub the back of my neck, chuckling awkwardly. "Maybe we should let them know we aren't... you know." Surprisingly, Riku swings his legs over the end of the cot, shrugging and staring down at his shoes. Again I have the feeling he's looking for an answer, and I'm not getting him the right one.  
   
"Yeah," he says after a moment. "That might be best."  
   
I'm actually glad when Tiana pops back in, rounding us up for a small tour of the building. I match her pace as best as I can, throwing out questions as fast as she can answer them, but Riku trails behind a few paces, quiet and still. A part of me can't help but wonder what's going on with him, but I know I just can't let myself care so much anymore.  
   
"How long has this place been open?" is question number four or so as we spill out into the lobby, taking a turn leading us into a short hall on the opposite side of the building as the cafeteria I'm so well acquainted with.  
   
"We opened our doors in nineteen-twenty five. Our founder always had a head for business and a good heart. She wanted everyone around her to live up to their full potential, and wanted to personally ensure that it happened."  
   
"Sounds like she was incredible lady," I say.  
   
"'Was'?" Tiana repeats. "Honey, she's still alive and here twice a week." I let out a low whistle at that, finally letting her take the reins on our tour again. She leads us through a large rec room, wide and open with two tables set up in the center. In the corner, one or two older teens huddled around a small TV playing some movie with a dog. Man... I kind of miss TV. I never really thought about it much, but there's a lot of things from home I've really been missing. More than just safety or food, I miss riding the bus and listening to music. Sometimes I even miss homework, which I don't think would have occurred to me if we weren't passing these open rooms full of desks and textbooks.  
   
We turn a corner a little sharply, just as some stragglers are still filing out of a large, mostly-empty room--including Xi. I greet him brightly after almost plowing right into him; he regards me with a nervous look and a nod before scurrying away. I find myself watching him as he leaves, something I barely even notice until I turn forward and catch Riku staring at me like he just can't figure me out.  
   
“What was that?” he asks.  
   
“What?” I respond. He shakes his head.  
   
We circle back to the rooms, drinking everything in as Tiana briefly explains their overarching system—new kids like us are considered Greens, but through chores and good grades and other shows of general trustworthiness, they can be promoted to Yellow, Red, and finally Gold. With each level comes more responsibility, but looser restrictions. The older kids look out for the younger ones, and the youngest kids have someone to confide in who isn't an adult. They get the chance to befriend each other, to care for one another. 

It doesn’t sound so bad...  
   
By the time the tour is done and we're back in the rooms, it all somehow feels a little more like home and less like a holding cell for wayward kids like us.

“Well, you two rest up!” Tiana chirps. “I’ll be back to check in on you two in a bit so don’t get yourselves into too much trouble!” I chuckle a little, flopping back onto my cot and begin to doze almost immediately. I've been waiting for this all day... I'm almost starting to drift when my eyes spring open on their own, some unconscious reaction to this feeling I'm being watched.  
   
"Ah!" I jolt back up and almost out of the cot. I don't know what I was expecting, but Riku's face inches from mine wasn't it. I clutch my chest like I've suffered a heart attack, feeling this pounding that reverberates all the way up to my ears.  
   
Riku just straightens back in his place in the cot next to mine, grinning smugly as he takes a seat on Xi's spot across from me.  
   
"What's up?" I ask, still panting a little, but my heart rate at least slows back down to normal.  
   
“I thought you might want to see how much trouble we can get into. Since we're familiar and alone.”  
   
_What_? Is he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?

I’m staring at him, too shocked to respond. That is literally the last thing I would have ever expected him to say. Ever. What's gotten into him?  
   
Riku pats his lap to get me to come, like I’m a dog—I’m mildly offended, but it still works. It helps that he’s got this really cheesy, snarky expression on, one that just fits his face like it’s a part of him that’s been waiting to come out.  
   
The cots are just close enough to allow me to place my hands on his knees and lean in. I don't close the gap between us; I think this is what Riku's going for, but I've been wrong about this in the past.  
   
Looking at him is too intense, so I shut my eyes maybe a little harder than I really need to. It’s only another second before I feel Riku's lips press to mine. It's a quick, clumsy kiss, with Riku using more force than he needs before pulling back. I blink my eyes back open slowly, realizing I've got him in a death grip. Gently, I relax my hands and let them slide off him as I straighten. My mind is just starting to whir, wondering what this means for us--if anything--when he lunges, all but tackling me to reconnect our mouths.

I'm just lucky that I catch on quickly enough to steel myself, or else we'd have toppled onto the ground, cot and all. Finally I get to swipe my tongue through his mouth, heartbeat picking up when I realize he's all fresh and minty. That means he brushed his teeth or chewed some gum after lunch, which means he was anticipating, maybe even planning for this. Right?  
   
I thread my fingers through his hair, desperate for this closeness. He slides an arm around me, which means touching's on. I start slowly as best as I can when I just want to jump him, pressing my hands to his sides for balance as I move to my feet, leaning in that much closer but still hesitating to just get right on him. Riku reaches back, placing his hands over mine and squeezing gently as he pulls back, smiling and fidgeting. I must still be wide-eyed, because Riku bursts into laughter as soon as he gets a look at me. His face goes redder, but I can't help but notice it was a bit pink to begin with. Weird, strangled giggles spill out of me.  
   
If we'd been caught...  
   
At the risk of anyone walking in we put ourselves back together, brushing back hair and straightening clothes. I just can't seem to stop staring as Riku walks back to his cot, flattening the ends of his hair where my hands had been only seconds ago. If only there were private rooms....

All I want is to go over and sit next to him, but this is starting to get seriously messy. Three hours ago, I could hardly even look at him. Besides, it wouldn't do me any good to get riled up, especially since the other Greens should be coming in from class soon.  
   
Still, that doesn't mean Riku and I can't still be friendly, right?  
   
We spend some time just lazing around, letting ourselves cycle between mindless chatter and comfortable silence. We’re in a chatter phase when we hear footsteps, probably a member of the staff passing by. Riku lets his sentence fade out, not bothering to finish. I don’t know why but it feels awkward to keep talking, like when Tiana pops her head in she may overhear something private, even though she won’t.  
   
Riku snorts and turns away when the source of the sound walks in. Turns out, it isn’t Tiana after all—it’s Xi.  
   
“Hey!” I greet him smiling. “What’s up?” He turns pink.  
   
“I was getting some extra tutoring from a Gold,” he says, setting some books on the floor next to his. Instinctively, I glance at Riku—he’s watching Xi, like he's a threat to be analyzed and done away with. I have to resist the urge to move between them. "I'm not very good at math."  
   
"Yeah, me neither. Honestly, I was bad at every subject." Xi brightens a little.

"Me too," he says earnestly. "I'm not sorry to be out of school."  
   
"Me neither," I sigh. "I'm glad to be here, though. Sticking around will be kinda nice."  
   
“If you do... I can help you get settled. If you want.” The sentence comes out of his mouth, then suddenly he’s super-involved in stacking his books just so.  
   
“Sure!" I chirp, walking over to him. Without turning around, I can feel Riku staring at us. I try not to pay attention as I sit next to Xi, lowering my voice. "Sorry if this is kinda personal, but why are you here?” He doesn’t say anything for a while, glancing at Riku quickly. I can't help but notice that Xi is hyperaware of him, like he thinks Riku's gonna attack.  
   
"I ran into some trouble at home," Xi says, voice lowered. "I got involved with a lot of people I should have stayed away from and I got hurt. They controlled me... when I fought, they started giving me drugs so I'd be easier to manipulate. I ran to get away, and then Tiana found me and brought me here." I let out a breath. I didn't expect that for some reason—I expected his story to be closer to mine than to Meg's, running _to_ instead of _from_. A spike of righteous anger flares in me, just for a moment. We're kids, we're all kids, and I hate how much we've been hurt by people who should know better.  
   
"I'm really sorry," I tell him, inching closer to give him my story without broadcasting it to the room. "My mom is an alcoholic, so I know how that kind of thing can ruin people. She’d get violent and angry over everything. My dad left when I was young, so I'm trying to find him... I just couldn’t handle living with her anymore." Xi is quiet for a long time, staring down at the floor, deep in thought.  
   
"Why would you want to go back to someone who abandoned you?" he asks. The question makes me go cold to my toes, makes my throat swell like I'm going to cry.  
   
"It's not like that. It's complicated." Xi looks up at me, absently brushing his side-swept bangs from his eyes. "I don't know why he left without me, but Dad loves me a lot and I know that when I find him... something's gonna happen. Something that will change things." Xi says nothing, doesn't argue, just stares up at me with sad eyes. He pities me. He thinks I'm assuming, that I'm wrong.  
   
Sometimes I do, too.  
   
We sit in silence, Xi back to his homework, until I make the fatal mistake of finally turning to look at Riku. I don't think I've ever seen so much just-barely-contained anger in one human before. He really does watch Xi like a hawk going for some sort of rodent--if the hawk was holding a serious grudge.  
   
Steeling myself, I rise from my cot and take a seat next to Riku.  
   
"You okay?" I ask, but no matter what he says I don't think there's a big enough "no" in the world to describe just how not-okay Riku is right now. Surprisingly, he just raises an eyebrow and gives me a cocky half-smile, his mostly-clean hair falling over his shoulder as he tilts his head.  
   
"I'm fine, Sora. You worry too much."  
   
Riku's sudden coolness is one thing, but when he leans over to brush his lips against mine it's too much even for me.  
   
“What was that all about?” I snap, pulling away from him.  
   
“What was what all about?” he asks, looking me up and down, and for a second I’m ninety percent sure he’s just putting on the hurt in his voice.

"You're... you're jealous or something. You get weird every time I talk to Xi, and it's not okay." His face hardens and he turns away from me.  
   
“I’m not jealous," Riku says firmly. "I have nothing to be jealous of.”  
   
“Yeah, and I wish you realized that.” He sends me a frustrated look, one that I return in spades. "...Anyway, I should go wash up." It's all I can do not to tell him to chill out as I leave.  
   
I storm into the bathroom, not sure what to do when I'm actually there—I just needed to be away from Riku, in a place where no one will ask where I'm going or why I'm wandering around. I barely pay any mind to the door opening a few seconds after I've resigned myself to leaning against a sink with a dripping faucet. Somehow, I'm not too surprised to find Xi hovering about a foot away from me.  
   
"...You seemed mad," he says. "Is everything okay?" I just roll my eyes.  
   
"Yeah, it's all good. My friend is just being annoying and stupid."  
   
"He really doesn't like me," Xi says, sending a spike of guilt through me. Xi shouldn't be pulled into this, he hasn't done anything to warrant all this stupid hostility. You'd think Riku, as a victim of all kinds of unwarranted hostility, would know better. "It's okay, you know."  
   
"No, it's not. He's not usually..." 'Like this', is the rest of my sentence, but I let it die on my lips. What do I know what Riku's usually like? He changes personalities whenever he feels like it. I look at this clingy, jealous Riku and it seems impossible that this is the same guy who looked after me after I passed out of heat exhaustion, or the guy who held my hand when I was scared during a storm. Or the guy who abandoned me with no warning, or who lies to me at every turn.  
   
Xi smiles a little.  
   
"You don't know who I got away from," he says lowly. "I can handle a dirty look."  
   
His lids flutter and he loses balance suddenly, clutching onto the lip of the sink for support. I'm too slow to catch him, but at least he doesn't hit the floor. I take his free hand, pulling him up gently. He's so clammy. "...Sorry."  
   
"Are you okay?" I ask.  
   
"Yeah... that happens sometimes." He flushes a little, and the pink seems to be the only color in his whole face.  
   
"Are you sick? Maybe we should go lay down somewhere." Xi goes from pink to red, looking at me like I'm missing something, but I don't care enough about that to ask right now.  
   
"No, I'm fine." At least he's a little steadier on his feet. "It's nice of you to care."I sort of notice of how close we are, on some level, but it isn’t at the front of my mind. "...Most people don't."  
   
Xi leans forward, brushing his lips against mine. Just as quickly, he seems to think better of it and bolts, leaving the bathroom door swinging in his wake.  
   
He didn't need to leave. I would've kissed back if he gave me the chance.  
   
*  
   
Riku's still the only one in the holding room when I finally cool down enough to come back in, and I'm rehearsing in my head how to act, what to say if he does something mean, or something nice, or nothing at all--but he's asleep, so it’s all moot in the end.  
   
I'm not planning to pass my cot and continue until I'm sitting on the floor beside him. It just happens. As irritated as I am... I dunno. Being close to him is still pretty comforting. Beats being alone, at least, especially since I don’t know where Xi went off to.  
   
Next to me, Riku breathes loudly through his nose, turning onto his side. Something slides out from beneath him when he moves, landing literally _right_ in my lap. I jump at the contact, the way it slaps against my legs—it's an old composition book, the black-and-white pattern on the front cover starting to bleed to gray. In the center box, I can just barely make out two words: _Riku Imakura_ written in pencil so faded it's almost entirely gone. On the next line: _November 2000_. Two years ago. He’d be thirteen. Maybe he started this book the same year that the picture on his missing sign was taken.  
   
But… I don’t get it. Why would he have brought this with him? It even survived our recent trash dump.  
   
Vaguely I remember my dad’s shirt and my stomach twists, but I squash it down.  
   
Knowing Riku, this probably isn't a straightforward thing. Maybe he has something important in here, a plan or a map or... I dunno... _something_. Curiosity gets the best of me. I flip through the first few pages, all of which say PRIVATE, before hitting...  
   
A poem? I frown, skimming, endlessly confused as I turn the page, revealing an essay or short story or something, and another page full of short poems. Did Riku write these? Recently? Or back when he originally bought this book?  
   
Riku makes a noise in his sleep; in a panic, I slam the book shut and slide it beneath the cot just in case he’s waking up. I watch intently, still as I can be, wondering if I should back off. In the end, Riku twitches a little but that’s about it. Slowly, I rise and head back to my own space. A quick glance at the clock above the door frame tells me it's nearing four, so the dinner call should be in just a few more hours. Until then... Riku has the right idea. Nap time.  
   
I lay on my side, curling up and dozing as staff and a few boys flit in and out, wishing even in my subconscious that I had my dad's sweatshirt for a pillow, but there's nothing I can do about that now...

At some point I register a blanket being thrown over me, and ridiculously my first thought is Riku, taking care of me like always. I blink awake just long enough to see Tiana cross the room before I drift away again.  
   
I'm beyond the point of dreaming when I hear Riku start awake loudly. Startled, I flip over and slide right out of the cot, blankets and all, a messy human burrito spilled out onto the floor.  
   
"What? What's going on?"

For a few terrifying, dizzying moments, I don't even remember where I am. Then I remember Tiana and the cook and Xi, and my heart goes down to maybe only beating twice as hard as it should. I tear the blankets from my legs, kicking a little to free myself fully.  
   
I ignore the snickers from a pair of boys just on their way out who got to witness the whole display and rush over to Riku, making it to him in two leaps.  
   
"Everything all right?” I ask. “It sounds like you had a nightmare."  
   
"Where's my notebook?" Riku asks, whirling around to look at me. I'm taken aback by the question, still edgy from whatever my brain thought was happening when he woke in a panic.  
   
"It fell when you were sleeping so I just put it under the cot. Okay?"  
   
“You didn’t look at it, did you?”  
   
“...no. I didn’t,” I half-lie. He seems satisfied with that. "Why, what's in there?" 

I'm not surprised when he doesn't even acknowledge my question.  
   
*  
The rest of the night is hectic. I can't get away with bringing food back to the rooms twice, which means Riku's on his own for dinner. I invite him to swing by the cafeteria with me and Xi, but predictably he shoots us down with a sneer and an insincere _thanks_. Restless from sitting cooped up for so many hours, I take advantage of the end of our free time before curfew to let Xi take me on another little tour. We wind through the halls and pop in and out of rooms, lost in our own heads until Xi asks something that I can tell has been on his mind for a while.  
   
"The guy who's with you. Is he your boyfriend?" I shove my hands in my pockets, not even surprised by the question.  
   
"Nah. Just someone I travel with. And... we've kind of had a falling out, so I don't think we're even going to go together anymore."  
   
"So you're not staying," Xi states. I'm quiet for a moment, collecting my thoughts. I know it makes more sense to stay, to ask Tiana for help finding my dad, to be safe and fed. I'm just afraid that I'll let myself get all unfocused and distracted, that I'll want to stay in this little bubble with Xi and Riku and the only people in the world I might be able to relate to. I can't do that. I have to stick with my goal, and I have to do it on my own.  
   
"...No, I guess not."  
   
He nods slowly. "I didn't think so. I don't think you would be content here for long."  
   
"Not with my dad so close," I say. "I know I'm going to find him soon, and I just need to go out and do this on my own." Xi nods again.  
   
"I had a few friends who really tried to look out for me. Back... when I had gotten all in over my head. But we just ended up hurting each other, and being hurt... I miss them every day, but in the end sometimes you just need to go off on your own." Hearing the approval loosens a knot in my stomach, and I feel a little more at ease. I think I really needed that.  
   
As a dumb, spur-of-the-moment decision, I give him a peck on the cheek. Xi stiffens a little but otherwise seems to be okay. He gives my hand a quick squeeze, letting go before we can be seen. I don't think we have to worry too much, though. Xi seems to know where to go to avoid basically everyone else. Maybe later we can tuck into some hidden hallway and sneak in some more hand-holding...  
   
My hopes are pretty quickly dashed when I hear Tiana just down the hall, rounding up the Golds to get all of the lowest tiers settled for curfew—and that means us.  
   
From our spot, I see Riku cross the hall, back to the room, which says to me that he finally sucked it up and got himself some dinner. Good, I was ready to throttle him if I came back to find that he hadn't eaten.  
   
"I bet Riku decided to head back on his own before anyone could tell him to," I say to no one in particular before turning to Xi. "Not a bad idea. You ready to head back?"  
   
I can tell that he almost isn't, but he nods anyway. Following the trail of other teens back into the temporary holding room makes me realize I wasn't ready either, but there's nothing we can really do about that. All I want are extra hours I don't have in a place I don't live.  
   
I make my way back to my cot across from Xi, deciding to call it a night early. Even with the room nowhere near full to capacity, I have a feeling I won't be able to get a conversation out of Xi _or_ Riku, with the way they both clam up when other people are around.  
   
Thinking about Riku, the way he acted today, from the hidden knife to his complete disdain for Xi, just irritates me. So instead I focus on the nice view of Xi settling beside me before we doze off, fifteen minutes before lights out.  
   
"Good night," I mumble.  
   
“Good night,” Xi responds. “...Sora, will I see you tomorrow?”  
   
“…Maybe." 

 *  
I spend the night in a semi-awake haze, thinking about my dad and mom and Xi and Riku, Tiana and Meg and the police, the mysterious man from the diner. St. John's Wort and old photographs, water bottles and canned food.  
   
Some half-dream forms past midnight, of a fight I had with my mom over something stupid a few weeks before I left—maybe her boyfriend at the time, who I hated—that resulted in her slapping me and nearly kicking me out of the house for the evening. She ended up banishing me to my room instead. At some point it turns into a fight I got into at school, totally not my fault, with some jerk who just seemed to have it out for me that day. Then it turns to Riku, like all my thoughts and dreams seem to. Riku and I fighting and bickering, our silences, our laughter. Riku waking me in the morning as usual except he isn't standing already, he just slides next to me and kisses me, so I throw an arm around him and pull him close, we're hot and fast and touching...  
   
“Come on,” he breathes, urging me up.  
   
I blink awake, Riku's voice still in my ear. But a quick glance around the room shows that he's still sleeping what now feels like miles away, and that my barely-awake memory recall was rapidly hurdling into wet dream territory.  
   
Between the dim light coming from the hall and the bright moonbeams streaming into the room, my eyes don't even need a full second to adjust. It's not very dark, the building couldn’t be any quieter... the clock above the door tells me it's nearing two in the morning. This is the perfect time to slip away unnoticed. Staying is tempting, but... it just doesn't feel right.  
   
Very slowly I rise, breath hitching as I hear the unmistakable sound of footsteps heading down the hall to the girls' rooms. I don’t have a lot of time—I'm sure they'll hit us next.  
   
I sling my backpack over one shoulder, wishing I had appreciated the feeling of not having something like an extra ten pounds on me at all times today, before moving to the window. It doesn't look screened in, and there's no way I'll be able to just mosey out the front door without someone saying something. 

No one can force me to stay but... I know any attempt to convince me to will work. And I gotta get going.  
   
Carefully, I wind through the cots, almost taking myself out by tripping over a blanket pooled on the floor. I almost throw it back over the kid who dropped it in his sleep, but that would be weird so I’m just gonna keep going.  
   
Okay, here's the real test.  
   
I lean over Riku, sleeping inches beneath me, hoping that the window will glide open with a small tug. Nope, no dice. Checking over my shoulder and bracing myself on the side of Riku's cot with my knee, I give it a hard, decisive yank. The window screeches to life, protesting every inch it slides in its track, waking at least half the room.  
   
Oh crap. I swallow hard, face burning as four sets of eyes find me and all I can do is hope that the noise doesn't send a member of the night staff running.  
   
"Just... needed some fresh air," I say just barely loud enough to be heard, laughing like an idiot. I stand stock still until one by one, they turn back in their beds and fall back asleep. Thankfully it looks like the racket didn't carry down the hall, because the footsteps are still almost too quiet to be heard if you aren't paying attention.  
   
I shift my attention back to the window. Opening it more is a no-go for obvious reasons. Maybe I can get away with that carelessness once, but not again. I could probably squeeze through, though... but not without seriously disturbing Riku... I glance down at him real quick—and he's staring up at me. I start, almost jumping back.  
   
"Leaving?" he whispers. I nod, wondering if I look as guilty as I feel. _Why_ I feel suddenly guilty is anyone's guess. "Good. I'm going too." He begins to slide out from under me, reaching to grab his bag, stowed away beneath the cot.  
   
"No, you can't," I urge, trying to keep my voice to a whisper, too.  
   
"...What?" He doesn’t sound hurt, just confused, and I'm preparing myself for the fallout of what I'm about to say.  
   
"You should stay here, Riku. Get your strength up, eat, sleep... you can have a life here. You can get tutoring and make friends. People will understand you here, they'll know what to do. And you won't need a knife. You'll be safe here. They'll help you."  
   
"I don't need help, Sora."  
   
"Yes you do." My bluntness startles him into silence. "Look, I know you don't care that I worry about you, but I do. You need help. You need someone to talk to, to not... be doing this all alone. Just traveling with someone obviously isn't enough, and we decided I won't be coming with you anymore anyway. Just consider it. Please stay."  
   
"But we're--" I'm dying to know the rest of this sentence, why Riku suddenly thinks of the two of us in terms of a _we_ , a pair, a unit. But again I know he'll be able to sway me if he tries, so I can't give him the chance.  
   
"There's no 'we' anymore. Just... understand that I'm not leaving because I don't like you. I care about you so much that I want you to do what's best for you, and right now that means you staying put."  
   
I shove my backpack out the window first, hoisting myself up and pushing myself through next. This is harder than I thought it would be, and if I had been aiming for a smooth exit I would've failed the second I started struggling to get both my shoulders through the opening. I lack any sort of upper body strength, especially tired and half-starved to death, so it takes a lot of leg-wiggling before I can propel myself up. Once my head and torso are sticking out into the cool night air... well, there's no graceful way to finish. I just use my hands to push forward and let myself drop.  
   
The fall is a little rougher than I thought it would be, but I manage to make it unscathed. It's not high, I just sort of land in an uncomfortably prickly bush. Good thing I have my sweater on, or else I really could have nicked myself. As it is, my legs just itch a little from the contact, but once I start walking I'm fine.  
   
Yeah.

I'm fine.  
   
Gravel crunches under my feet and from the next block I can hear what sounds like a pretty wild party, music and whoops carried to me by the breeze. It just makes me lonely.  
   
For some reason tears sting my eyes, and all I can think as I walk away is: I should have stayed. I should have said goodbye to Xi. I should have kissed Riku so hard that he would feel me in his dreams and when he wakes up in the morning.  
   
I stop to wipe my eyes with my sleeve and to reorient myself, so I don't end up going straight back to where I came from. Tomorrow, convenience store. Map. Food. And... 

Are those footsteps?  
   
I whirl around, looking for the source of the second, of gravel and dirt moving and crushing. I do not want a repeat of my other two nights alone... what are the chances of me running into the same gang three times?  
   
Slowly a tall figure comes into view, and I could kick myself for not figuring it out.  
   
"Riku." I could hug him and kiss his stupid face. I could also just slug him. I really, really was hoping he'd stay.  
   
"Sora," he greets me coolly. "Save the speech. I wanted to come with you." Feeling... bad about this whole thing, I can't help but argue.  
   
"This isn't working," I tell him, inching back a few paces. "You know it. I know it. I'm sorry, I just... I want to find my dad."  
   
"So find your dad." ...huh? My look of confusion is met with a smirk as Riku sticks his hands in his pockets, shifting his weight onto his right side. "You do what it takes, and I'll tag along until you find him."  
   
"...I can't go with you anymore."  
   
"I know. I'm going with _you_."  
   
I would have been less prepared if he had just decided to punch me in the gut. Riku wants to go with me? This seems almost too good to be true... but I guess it's worth a shot.  
   
I grin, turning on my heel.  
   
"Fine," I tell him. "Just don't slow me down."


	22. Go Together

He's coming with me now, then. So, what does that mean? Am I in charge now? Do I really trust Riku just to sit back and trust my judgment, or are we just gonna do our own thing in the same general space? 

"Should we get some sleep soon, do you think?" I ask, looking up to my side, amazed that Riku is matching my pace. Is he just being nice, or have I gotten faster?

"Up to you," he replies. "Moon's pretty low, so it's probably getting to be close to dawn. I can keep going if you can, but it might be smart to find cover in the park again if we're going to crash anywhere. Finding secluded spaces to hide in is only going to get harder as we move toward the city." He seems to catch himself then, awkwardly amending: "So... whatever you want to do." It sounds as unnatural to hear as it does for him to say, I'm sure of it.

"No, I think that sounds like a good plan," I tell him.

"Remember how to get back?" Riku asks.

"Yeah, I think so."

Riku holds his tongue for as long as he possibly can before bursting: "Okay, because we're going the wrong way."

"...oh."

Maybe not embarrassed as I should be, I just turn on my heel again and head down the sidewalk, toward the lightest part of the sky. 

All-in-all, it takes about a half hour to get back to the park, by which time I'm way beyond exhausted. Still, somehow I can muster the energy to be happy--relieved. All the buildings we passed earlier—yesterday, now—looked so different in the light, I just couldn't recognize them wandering around in the dark. I had no idea if we were going the right way. I'm sure Riku would have said something if I had veered off again, but I was never really sure… It's just reassuring to know we've arrived. That we can finally sleep.

“Over here,” Riku says. I feel him take my hand a little awkwardly, as he leads me to a small, secret place, almost completely hidden by trees and small bushes. "This should do it... what do you think?"  
"Sounds great," I reply, yawning. I toss my backpack to the side carelessly drop to my knees, fall to my stomach, but wait to sleep until I can hear Riku settle in next to me... a lot farther than I thought he would.

"Riku?" I call through my haze. He just barely lifts his head to look back at me. "You don't have to be so far away, you know..." 

I'm actively falling asleep as I see him pick up his things and rise, taking three generous steps closer and falling to my side. Something tight in my chest loosens when I realize that I could reach out and touch him. See, that's better.

Whatever's going on with us, if we're on good terms or not... I don't think I'll ever stop feeling so safe when I'm close to him.

*  
I wake to warm sunlight spilling over my face, wide awake and raring to go even on maybe three hours of sleep, tops. Riku's up, looking a little worse for wear, which might mean that he got even less sleep than I did. If I didn't know him better, I'd ask if he wants to kick back and take it easy today. But he'd say no, and for once I'm glad for his recklessness. I want to get as far as we can today. I'll just keep an eye on him... if I can see him at all, through the sleep-deprived bleariness in my eyes. 

I blink hard a couple of times, regaining my vision just in time to catch Riku stalking off, leaving our little hidey-hole for parts unknown. I'd be worried, but he left his stuff with me so he can't be going too far. I guess I could go round him up and be real annoying about it, tell him that if he wants to come with me he can't just wander off, but I don't care that much. If he's still into it, I'm good to wait until he does whatever he needs to do before setting off again.

I am a little anxious to get moving, though, so I poke my head out from behind the brush and signal for him to come back after about five, ten minutes. He looks up from his place by the lake just in time to catch my wave and doesn't seem to have any issue getting right back up and coming to me. 

"Are we ready to go?" he asks as I shoulder my own backpack and stoop to grab his bag, tossing it over to him the best I can when it's so heavy. He catches it with ease, sliding the strap over his shoulder. "So, where to?"

"First thing's first," I tell him. "Let's go find a map. Yesterday Xi and Tiana said that we're just outside a city by the beach, and I feel like that's gotta be where my dad is. I have a really good feeling about this... the closer I get, the more I remember things that Dad told me when I was a kid. That makes sense, right?"

"It makes sense," Riku confirms lowly, matching my stride as I pick a direction and start walking. It's a quiet morning, brisk and clear and a little cool. We must be back into the work week, because there's already traffic in the street and as we leave the park and drop into the sidewalk, we're close enough to see that it's all adults looking like they need to get to work.

"It's a good thing we had a chance to eat something yesterday, huh?" I say, talking just to talk, "We should still have enough food to tide us over until tomorrow or the next day. So we'll get our map and then when we get a few blocks down we can do... whatever it is we need to do to stock up. But..." I shrug. "Hopefully we won't need enough to last a long time. Or. I mean, I won't, maybe."

"There might be enough people around for me to pickpocket if we end up with no other choice," Riku points out. Guilt twinges in my stomach at that. Riku… he's always picking up the slack for me. I'm not going to risk getting him into trouble If I can help it. 

"...Okay... yeah. Hopefully we won't need to, but thanks for letting me know."

"Hopefully we won't need to," Riku repeats in agreement. 

We wander off in the direction of traffic, the low sun to our backs. Across the street there are offices, stores, and restaurants, all crammed into sprawling two-story buildings. Most are closed, but a few businesses here and there seem to be just starting up for the day. To our left, the park just seems to stretch on and on and on.

"I should have gotten your map months ago," Riku says suddenly as we reach the end of the block just in time for the traffic sign to display red text reading WALK. We cross quickly, grass and trees disappearing to make way for all things man-made. Concrete, tinted glass and neon lights: Open; Closed; No vacancy; Cleaners. 

"…I don't think we could've gotten here much faster," I tell him. "We got lucky." Riku is quiet. For two more blocks he walks next to me, frowning, something on his mind that may or may not be any of my business.

"Are you mad at me at all?" he asks finally. My first instinct is to say no, of course not, and I think that might even be true. But it just feels too easy, like I should've made him work harder to win me back or... whatever's been happening between us. I can't deny that something's changed, though, and it's not just our power balance. I feel separate from Riku now, like I can actually be without him and live.

"...No," I tell him. "I'm not mad at you. I'm not super happy with how things turned out the past few days, but I'm not mad about it anymore."

"I'm sorry about your dad's sweatshirt."

It's nice to hear, but frustrating at the same time. Yeah, I'm sad to lose that piece of my dad. But at this point, it's worse that Riku lied to me. Maybe it was always about the lie.

He just doesn't get it. I'm not sure if he ever will.

"I know you are, Riku."

Somehow, we're gonna make this work again. Or maybe it'll work for the first time since we've met, with me in charge.


	23. Get to Know Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku and Sora have a long overdue heart-to-heart as they approach a city by the sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go, guys. <3
> 
> Warning: a few homophobic slurs. And proof reading by a very sleep deprived Hearts.Pocky.

We end up swinging by a gas station for a map, which confirms that we're right on the outskirts of Okeanos, my dad's likeliest location. I want to be excited—and I am—but it all gets tempered by the stress of trying to steal food from markets with security cameras set up and shoppers scanning the aisles we're trying to take from. Finding a place to sleep or even just to rest as we keeping moving into the city is almost impossible. 

Before, I could kind of picture it: a bustling and busy city sprawling across the beach, miles long and filled to the brim with millions of people, but I don't think I really got what that meant until now. I've never seen anything like this, and we aren't even in the city limits yet—I just catch signs as we cross over highways counting down the miles and exits until we're there, and already it's busy and loud and there are a million things to look at. Suddenly it becomes clear that I have no idea how to handle myself here... even Riku’s out of his element. 

But at least I got my map. So there's a step forward.

*  
Even through endless, blaring traffic and neon lights all around, I sleep more soundly than I expected, shutting my eyes when we find a safe place to hide and not opening them again until daybreak. When the time comes, I nudge Riku's shoulder with my own a few times, waiting for his eyes to flutter open. Instead he only squeezes them harder, turning away from me.

“I just got to sleep,” he mumbles. "Mind giving me a few minutes?" Hearing _those_ words from _his_ mouth almost knocks me over. I don't hassle him or anything, I just roll over and go back to sleep myself. Or… I roll over, at least. Behind me, I listen as Riku settles, and re-settles, and re-settles. Looks like he can't sleep, either. "...Forget it."

"Everything okay?" I ask. He rolls off his side, rubbing his eyes as he pushes himself up off his back. I swear I catch his head fall forward for just a second, like he's going to start snoozing sitting up.

“I guess I'm not getting any sleep today. Yeah, let's just get going." I frown as I watch him get up to his feet, the weight of his bag almost taking him down.

"Let me know if we need to stop at any point, okay?" He almost smiles.

"Once I walk around, I'll be fine."

"You look tired," I point out needlessly as we descend the small hill at the top of the parking lot. The back door of the restaurant we hid behind during the night swings open and I jump a mile, but the men filing out are too busy lifting heavy boxes to pay any attention to us.

"I've been more tired," he says lowly.

"I can believe that." 

That gets a grin out of him.

"...Hey, Sora." 

"What's up?"

I watch as he kicks a stray soda can some jerk left on the ground, sending it out into the street. Since no one's out on this little back road, we cross to avoid the busy intersection traffic.

"I've been wondering why you didn't decide to stay," he says.

"Stay where?" I ask. "Home?" He shakes his head.

"With your... your friend or whatever." Maybe _I'm_ tired, because I'm nowhere near as exasperated as I should be.

"Look, Xi and I hit it off—as friends—and that's it. It's not a big deal."

"That's not what I asked," Riku says. "I want to know why you didn’t stay." 

"Well... why didn't _you_ stay?"

"Do you really have to ask?" That quiets me. No, I guess not. Riku shakes his head, scoffing. "You always do this."

"...Do what?" I return, guessing that Riku could be referring to any number of things at this point.

"Ask me questions, skirt around anything I ask you, make everything about me and never tell me anything about yourself." Heat creeps from the back of my neck up to my ears. I want to argue, but I think he might be right about this one. He scoffs. "And you want to know if I trust you."

"...And... you don't. After all this time." He scoffs again.

"No, of course I don't trust you. All you do is ask me a million questions, most of them extremely personal, and then nothing I ever tell you is good enough. You're always looking for something... I don't know what it is, or what you intend to do with it when I give it to you."

For a long time I'm quiet, watching him intently and listening to the sound of angry horns and screeching tires not even five feet away from me. Absently Riku grabs my sleeve and pulls me to the inside of the sidewalk, placing me further from the speeding cars like he's saving me from some perceived risk.

"...I didn't realize you saw it that way," I respond finally, uncomfortable.

"I don't even know who you are, Sora. I don't know anything about you or why I should trust you. Or why I would even want to. All you ever do is try to _figure me out_ , like..."

I think back to his angrier moments. Like a stray animal, he said once. 

"Like not even a person," I finish, stomach sinking.

"I know you don't mean to. But you make me feel like a freak."

My desire to kiss him comes back full force. I want to hold his hand, hold _him_ , and tell him the last thing I think he is a freak. Obviously, I don't. I can't. 

Voice heavy and shaking, I instead reply, "I didn't know." He nods. "I mean... I knew on some level that it bothered you." I laugh a little, suddenly nervous. "I mean, you made that pretty obvious. I just... I knew you didn't trust me or even like me a lot of the time and I wanted to make things happen, so I did whatever I could. We're such opposites. I really wanted to understand your thoughts and feelings... it was all because I know you _aren't_ a freak, I knew that everything you do makes sense in a way I just don't always get. I really want to get it. I want to get you. You're not weird, we're just... we think about things so differently. I guess I thought if I kept trying, you'd suddenly understand what I was trying to do."

"But it doesn't work that way."

"No. I wish I knew that at the start." I sigh heavily. "And by the way, the other night... I'm sorry I said that you need help."

"But you believe it," Riku states.

"Yeah. I do." A pang of guilt hits me like a rock straight in the gut. "I should've lied or something." Riku shakes his head.

"You were just being honest."

"Do you believe that I like you?" I ask.

"No," Riku says. "But I wouldn't believe anyone who said that, so it isn't just you." Stunned, I have nothing to say. It's a while longer before he adds, "...If it helps, I think you have good intentions." 

I smile up at him sadly. I can't manage it any other way right now.

*  
"You should ask me a question," I tell Riku after about two hours of letting his words kick around in my head. We took a seat and polished off some crackers, and now we're hitting the road again. The timing is practically perfect.

"About what?" Riku asks. 

"Anything you want!” I bounce on my heels and rush ahead of him, grinning. “You're right, it's not fair I'm always bugging you, so now it's my turn. Ask me anything and I'll give you my honest answer."

"What was school like for you? Before you left?" The question comes so fast, it throws me off guard. I thought he'd at least think it over, or dismiss me with some eye-rolling and an _I'll pass, thanks_. I almost ask what made him think of that, instead of just answering like I said I would.

"Not good," is my massive understatement. "I didn't have a lot of friends or anything and I wasn't really a good student. I was kind of failing everything, to be honest."

"...Were you bullied like I was?"

"I—yeah." I stutter a little, blindsided by the question and the casual revelation that Riku was a victim of bullying. My first instinct is to ask how anyone could bully him and live to tell about it, but I squash it down. 

"Teachers or classmates?" he asks, which jolts me further.

"Classmates," I reply, shrugging self-consciously. "I had two friends—who I wouldn't trade for anything—and that was about it. I didn't really fit in. I dunno. A lot of kids were mean to me and I never really knew why. I was different, I guess, on some level I don't really understand. But my teachers didn't really… get me either. They got really frustrated when I failed my tests and called up my mom a couple times a semester about my grades, but…. I wasn't a class clown or anything, and I wasn't a favorite, so I think I got lost in the crowd."

"I wish I could've gotten lost," Riku mutters.

"Hm?"

"There were barely over two hundred students in my entire school. You grow up in the city?" he asks.

"Yeah, kind of. A suburb."

"Big?"

"Mid-sized, I guess. You've only ever known small town livin', huh?" Slowly, Riku nods. I let out a long breath. "That’s rough. Two hundred people in your whole school… man. There were that many kids in my grade alone. At least."

"…what's that like?" Riku asks quietly. I shrug.

"More people to hate you. But at least I could go off and do my own thing around people who either didn't know me or didn't care, and I'm grateful for that." He hums his acknowledgment. In my head, I try to picture our schools next to each other, mine, big and old but fairly modern, next to Riku's, built to accommodate a few hundred. "Wait, so how many people were in your grade, if there were two hundred kids in your whole school?" He thinks for a moment, but he doesn't seem to be rehearsing or avoiding; just trying to remember some small detail from two, three years ago.

"Seventy kids, give or take. My biggest class had something like twelve people in it." He shakes his head. “That probably doesn’t sound so hard to you.”

“I never said that,” I respond. “I think it sounds _really_ hard.”

"It was. They could team up easily. Make sure that their rumors reached every pair of ears in the entire school. It's harder to put up with staring, I think, when you know everyone personally. You know they'll remember whatever was just done to you and that they'll use it later. I can't think of a time where I wasn't the center of attention in some way. I never asked for it. It just… was, and I had to deal with it. Anyone who says that negative attention is better than none has never had to put up with a legion of shitty thirteen-year-olds every day for a year."

"They sound a little obsessed," I tell him.

"That sounds like an understatement," Riku says darkly. "I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without getting a comment. Or worse."

"I definitely got the crap beaten out of me more than once," I sigh. "That's why I learned to defend myself… which I know you don't believe." Riku's mouth spreads into a smile, matching mine. I love the way it looks on him. I'll have to remember that a little self-deprecation goes a long way. "I could take down someone almost three times my size if I had to—seriously!"

"I believe you," Riku insists, laughing. 

"Everything else was just… name-calling. Stupid, mean things that kids say to hurt feelings."

The worst of it… I'm not ready to tell him, which makes me feel even worse about pushing him so much. It was all the gay stuff. Being called _fag_ , or _queer_. Guys saying they'd rather die than be like me, accusing me of doing things I've never done, or wanting to do things with other guys just because they were guys.

That just makes liking Riku even harder. Maybe I'm as gross as everyone thought I was. Or maybe I'm not gross at all. I feel like this whole discovery process, this figuring out who I am, was stolen from me, and maybe that's what makes me the maddest. Love should be magical, not this... uncomfortable, guilt-ridden mess.

"What was it like?" Riku asks, startling me away from some awful memory of overheard locker room gossip; some jerk who was always nice to my face calling me a faggot in front of his friends when he thought I couldn't hear. "Not having to grow up in the middle of nowhere?"

"It wasn't that great," I assure him. "It was pretty small so there wasn't a lot to do, especially for a broke kid like me. And even when I went out, sometimes I ran into classmates and it would be super awkward. It was still a small world." Riku frowns.

"In a small town, running into someone you know is never a possibility, it's just fact. There's no privacy. No anonymity. I always had my guard up."

"…You still kind of do," I point out gently.

"Well, yeah," Riku responds. "Trusting the wrong person out here will get you killed. I've been dodging arrest or assault here. At school… it… was draining, but in a different way. I was mocked, tripped up in the halls, jokingly hit on, followed home… or just completely excluded. But it didn’t kill me. Didn't starve me." Riku's face is dark, distant. "Not really."

"Why would they do that?" I ask, uncomprehending. "You're… you're so…." 

Riku cuts me off.

"Your guess is as good as mine," he says. "It started small after I'd already been there for a year. Maybe there were only a few people that didn't like me at first. But then it escalated, and pretty soon everyone was involved. I don't know what I did to make it start in the first place, and I don't care. I can't change it now. And I wouldn't have changed myself for them anyway."

“…mine was really sudden, too," I offer in return. I swallow hard; recalling what things used to be like back home... nothing makes me feel more alone. “I had tons of friends until about two years ago, then everything changed and I don't know why." He sighs heavily. Or maybe it's me. "Hey, where did you live, anyway?” I ask. "Any place I'd have heard of?" Riku shakes his head.

"I seriously doubt it. I lived in a town called Darry,” he says. Yeah, doesn’t ring a bell. “It was a dump with a population of maybe three thousand and surrounded by farmland on all sides. Most people who live there now are only there because their families have never known anything else." He shakes his head unconsciously. “I’m never going back.”

"Damn straight," I reply. He grins.

"I didn't think you knew how to swear, Sora," he teases. I give him a rough bump with my shoulder, which doesn't do much considering he's taller and built like a tank.

"Well, obviously there's a lot you don't know about me." My retort just makes him laugh, but I can live with that. "Not that there's anything exciting to know. I just hung out with Donald and Goofy a ton, or I watched TV or slept. I would have gone crazy if I just sat and stewed all day but... it would have been nice to be that kid who was invited to parties."

"I did a lot of stewing," Riku says. "It does make you crazy. You're lucky to have the friends you had." I shrug, suddenly embarrassed.

"Quality over quantity, I guess."

We walk for a short time in silence, following the main road, crossing with the lights. The traffic never really seems to die down; it just stays steady—and loud.

"Those were the two that came with your mom, right? To get you to come back?" My answer to Riku's question is a quick nod.

"Yeah, that was them. We've known each other our whole lives. Actually... this is the longest we've ever been apart."

"Do you miss them?"

"Every single day. I don't think I realized what I had." Riku looks straight ahead, processing. "...But for what it's worth, I'm glad I have you."

"I'm glad too," he responds. Whether he means he's glad I found him for my own good, or if he's glad he found _me_... I'm not sure. I don't even know if I want an answer. 

"You still miss your mom?" I ask. Riku looks startled that I brought it up, flushing though he tries to hide it by brushing his hair over his shoulder and looking off to his side.

"...Yeah, I do. Not as much as in the beginning, but sometimes."

"I wish I were close to my mom," I sigh. "I guess that would've changed everything."

“What was she like?” Riku asks. "I mean... aside from terrible." I snort back laughter at that. I should probably argue that point for her sake, but I have zero desire to.

“I mean, she was an alcoholic,” I say, wishing that wasn't the one word that sums her up so wholly. I can tell from Riku's face that he just _gets it_ —he would, though. He lived it, too. “She was always yelling at me, or hitting me, or telling me about everything I was doing wrong.... I was never really enough for her. I just wish I could have helped.”

“...Helped with what?” Riku asks gently. I shrug, rubbing the back of my head. We cross the street. 

“I dunno. Helped her be okay. Helped her feel happy. Helped make her stop drinking. I wish I could have helped with money so she didn’t have to work so hard. I know she loved me, and I know I was doing my best, but... I wish I was what she wanted.”

Riku lets out a long breath. I think he’s gonna say something for a sec, but he never does. He just moves to put a hand on my shoulder then backs off, like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s okay. I know he’s hearing me and that's enough.

“Anyway,” I add. “I'm glad you at least got to have a cool mom. I'm sorry you miss her, but... at least there's someone in your life worth missing."

"Cool," he repeats, amused. "Yeah, she was." In my mind I concentrate on the photos, picturing her and Riku together, two beautiful, fair-haired people, full of life and maybe a little misunderstood. Riku laughing, Riku loving. "...Did you want to ask me something?” he asks quietly.

"Oh! No. I was just... thinking about those photos you have. Your mom was really pretty." 

"Yeah. I'm sure she still is." He lets out a heavy sigh. "I hope she's alright."

"Well, if she's like you, she's strong."

"Even stronger." He's quiet for a long time. "I wonder how my dad's doing."

"You ever worry about him?" I ask. He hesitates.

"I don't know. No. Not worry. But I think about him sometimes."

"I worry about my mom all the time," I tell him. "I mean, I'm mad at her and I don't like her very much right now, but I still want her to be okay. I just want her to be okay—" I motion vaguely to my side. "—way over there."

"Sounds about right,” he replies. On that note…

"...Hey.” I pipe up after a particularly large truck passes by so I can speak without yelling. “Are you okay after your dad didn’t—I mean, a few weeks ago, when the police called him and he wouldn't come to—" He shrugs, suddenly the picture of cool.

"As far as I'm concerned, it just means he won't bother dragging me back to that shit hole. Nathan and I have always had an understanding that we'd be better off apart. It sucks, but I wasn't surprised."

"Why've you been so worried about being caught?” I ask next. “I mean, since... you didn't think your dad would—" I'm overly careful with my next few words. "—try and get you to come back. Which makes him an idiot, by the way." He shakes his head, not smiling.

"I thought this was supposed to be about you,” he says darkly. “Keep prodding and maybe I won't want to play anymore."

Okay, that's a nerve I just hit, then.

"...Right. Sorry." 

"Don't worry about it." 

Easier said than done.

*  
We cross another street, dipping into a small alley squished in between two tattoo parlors. The smell isn't great, but I just wanted a chance to get off my feet for a few seconds and check out the map. The last street we passed was Clover, we'll need to make a left pretty soon... Clover connects to Oceanside, which is a major street that isn't actually near the coast from the looks of it, but we'll be able to keep following it until... probably nightfall. It looks like it goes pretty far south. 

I let out a deep breath. We might actually pull this off. And soon.

"I have another question," Riku says, standing and watching as I fold the map as best as I can before shoving it in a pocket across the front of my backpack. I feel Riku come closer so he can wedge it a little further in so it doesn’t get lost, and all the while I'm holding back a grin. He is _such_ a mom. I thank him, motioning for him to follow as we snake through the rest of the alley. We'll need to get back out soon though, or else we’ll miss our left turn. "...was something going on between you and Xi?"

"No," I tell him again. A beat passes before I decide to give him a slightly more honest answer. "I liked Xi and I think I gave him a kiss on the cheek, but that was about it. We were there for like, twelve hours. It's not like we were gonna elope."

"So... what, are you still into guys then?" If I shoot him a baffled look, it's because I am baffled. I have no idea why he'd ask that, or how he got there. My face flames.

"...I guess? I mean, it's just been two people..." 

"Two," he repeats a little strangely, looking at me closely. I still don't get it. When he finally looks away, it's to ask an equally uncomfortable question: "How do you know if you're gay?” 

"Um...." He goes a little red.

“Sorry, what I meant was—how did _you_ know?" 

I swallow hard, trying it on. Trying to own it. I'm gay, this is who I am, and I just have to be alright with it.

Actually, away from people who would torment me for saying so... I think I am alright with it.

"I definitely didn't know until I was out here," I answer, a little evasively maybe.

"...was it me?" Riku asks hesitantly.

"Yeah... sorry."

"Don't apologize." 

For a second, I swear Riku's walking a little taller than before.

*

It gets louder and busier, more streets to cross and traffic to dodge, as we get closer to Okeanos. I've started checking my map obsessively, worrying that we're going to veer off in the wrong direction... that we aren't going to get there...

"We can slow down, you know," Riku says gently. "It'll still be a few more days before we get into the city limits."

"What did I say about slowing me down?" I joke. Or, it's supposed to be a joke at least. Maybe it isn't.

"I just don't want you to wear yourself out."

"Sorry. Just... excited, I guess. And scared." Riku nods.

"I don't want to put you down but just... please be ready for things to go wrong, okay?"

"Do you think this whole thing was stupid of me?" I ask. "Be honest. I had no plan, I didn't really know where I was going... I know I could have ended up dead or worse. Should I have just stayed home?"

"...Probably," Riku says. "The smart thing would have been to stay home and wait it out. Graduate from high school, track down your Dad. Get back in touch, maybe go to college close by. But you didn't, so there's no use wondering. Besides... there are more important things than doing what's smart. You did what was best for you. You followed your instincts. Just like me." I look up at him, frowning. What does that mean?

"So... did I do the right thing, or not?" 

"I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that when I ran away from my aunt to find my parents I had all these expectations and I got hurt. I just don't want to see you hurt."

Everything seems to go quiet for a few moments, but only a few. I'm too distracted by the thought that this might all be a waste of time to focus on Riku actually caring about me, but I guess I'm pretty happy about that, too. I don't know how I feel right now, or about anything. It's a lot of emotions, all mixed up and messy and confusing. Hurting for Riku, hurting for me, and wanting so many things that are distant—maybe not even obtainable. I just need him to believe in me.

"I know this could all be a mistake. I could be remembering wrong, or he just could've ended up somewhere totally different... I think about it all the time." I look up to Riku as I speak, trying to gauge his reaction, but his face doesn't move.

"You never know until you try," he says finally. "Just... start coming up with a backup plan. If this ends up being a bust and you want to go home and regroup... let me know." I sigh heavily. What do I do if I don't find my dad? Do I just end up out here for the rest of my life?

"I think, if Dad isn't here... I want to go back with Tiana. And I'd want you to come with me." Riku smiles, shaking his head.

"I don't know about that last part, but it sounds like a good plan B."

"If nothing else, we can go to the beach," I joke. Riku laughs.

"Yeah, there's that. I've always wanted to see the ocean."

"Being in the city'll be fun, too."

"And dangerous," Riku cautions. "I haven't been in a major city for... a year. Maybe longer, and nothing as big as what we're about to head into. Police won't care about us—might make us move if they think we're loitering—but... there's all kinds of shady people around. People who won't care if they hurt a kid. People who want to hurt kids."

I think back to the guy who invited Riku into his home. Of the gang that lurked outside my safe little suburb, just out of reach but right there, without my ever knowing. He’s right. This isn’t gonna be a vacation. We’re not tourists.

"Then let's get in, find my dad, and..." I swallow past a lump in my throat. "Get out fast if we need to. I'd be okay to keep hitting places like this. Just... no more ghost towns."

"Fuck—no, absolutely not." The vehemence of Riku's response piques my interest. 

"So you liked them about as much as I did." Riku snorts at my response.

"No places to get food, no covered places to sleep... looking suspicious no matter what... feeling like—" he stops himself there, but I get it.

"Feeling like you're back home," I finish.

"That place wasn't ever a home to me," Riku spits.

"...I get it," I repeat. He deflates a little.

"It was... I couldn’t stand feeling like I was back, like I couldn't escape... like I was going in circles. The things that being in those towns made me feel, what they made me remember...."

I frown. 

Going in circles... what if he did? What if he really did end up near his hometown again? That would explain how he could run into the same gang more than once, how we found pictures of his family in a random hotel room, how some stranger knew who he was... it even explains why he was so fritzed out about the police so much at the beginning compared to now. Here, he's anonymous. Back in those small towns, not only were we more likely to be caught, not only were the police less likely to have other things to keep them busy, but there would be a very real possibility that he would be recognized and sent straight back to his parents.

It would also explain why he's chilled out so much since we got to the park. Why he's confided in me more, why he's being more honest with me now. The wounds are probably less fresh with distance, he probably feels like he can finally breathe.

And maybe a part of him has finally warmed up to me.

I shoot those first two points past him, about the pictures and the gang, watching as he nods resignedly without argument. Then, testing the waters, I try for the last. The hardest. Sorry, Riku... but you should know the truth.

"Riku... the man who gave us those water bottles for free, then let us hide... he knew you. Before I left, he mentioned you by name. Did you know him?" Riku looks stricken—but not surprised.

"...Yeah. Looking back on it, I think I recognized him when we first walked in. I just didn’t think too much of it, since faces can start to look the same after a while. But I had a part time job for a little while at a diner he managed." My eyebrows shoot up.

"You worked there?" I ask. He shakes his head.

"No, not that one. He always talked about wanting to relocate, and I guess he finally did it. Trust me, that wasn’t Darry. I would have known if we’d gone that far back." Well, that answers one question, but there's another on my mind.

"How did you manage to hold down a job when you were like, twelve?" 

"Thirteen," he corrects, as if that makes a difference. "It was all under the table. I'd take a shift whenever my dad was going to be home late and wash dishes for an hour or two. Lied about my age, but he probably knew I wasn't seventeen or whatever I said I was." His eyes darken, or maybe they dull a little. Either way, it's not a happy thing. "Kids used to smash up our mailbox, so I wanted to be able to help out with money since it was my fault, anyway. We weren't poor, but there were enough bills to pay as it was. I didn't want to add to it."

"It wasn't your fault," I tell him. He smiles softly, shaking his head. 

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But I bet my dad's mailbox hasn't been targeted once since I left. People respected him. They just wanted me gone." 

"But that guy—your old boss—he wanted to protect you. When the police came, he told us to hide. He gave us water for free. Both of those things really saved us." Riku shrugs.

"Yeah, that or he didn't want me to get caught so he wouldn't have to see my face around town again. Trust me, my running away was a win for everyone." My own face drops at that one. What an awful thing to say. To feel.

"...You're out now," I say. "That's all that matters." Riku nods.

"Out, and never going back." With a jolt of panic, I wonder if that's why Riku hurt himself so badly that one day, when I tried to shake him up only to find that he was covered in blood. Maybe he wanted an out if he thought he was going to end up back home. I almost ask, but it doesn't seem like the right time. Besides, even with how open he's been today, that's the question that'll make him clam up. I know him well enough now to know that. Then it'll be a struggle to get him to say two words to me for a week.

"Hey, Riku,” I ask instead. “Can I ask about the notebook you had out at Tiana's?" He stiffens.

"No. How'd you know about that?" he asks coolly, but I can tell he's freaked.

"You had it out at some point while you were sleeping. I just thought it was an interesting thing to hold onto, is all."

"...you didn't read it, did you?" he asks, eyeing me a little suspiciously. I should tell the truth. And I guess I sort of do, but it's a little hidden under my over-exaggerations.

"No, I didn't read it. I did see a page by mistake, but then I closed it and gave it back. It fell open on the floor when I was walking by, or else I wouldn't have even touched it."

"...Hm. Well, now that you've asked me about ten questions in a row, I think it's my turn."

"Go for it, Riku."

"You ever wish that you never ran away?”

"Nah. You?"

"No. Never."

*

Fog rolls in during the night, leaving us huddling for warmth. Even though I've never seen the ocean, the breeze is unmistakably crisp and cool. It smells like salt.

We're almost, almost there.

The next two days drag as I just try to push us to keep going. The whole time Riku stays back as if I’m gonna explode—and I sort of feel like I will. Everything comes down to this. No matter what happens, everything changes when we arrive. If I think too hard about it I start to cry, so I just try not to think about it. 

I also try to stop thinking in terms of days or minutes or anything like that, because I know it'll just make me crazy. Instead, I count moments between Riku and I, or funny billboards, or coffee shops. I count cars by color or see how many times I can cycle through the alphabet by mentally ticking letters off street signs.

Riku and I kiss, sort of, twice. The first time almost doesn't count: neither of us get any sleep the night before, because late into the night there are still cars on the road and people talking, shouting, laughing, in the streets. Every time we think we've found shelter, something happens to make us realize that we're still totally out in the open. It's something like four in the morning when we finally collapse, exhausted, in a sleepy neighborhood. Totally out of it, we burst into nervous giggles and brush our lips together for just a second before passing out.

The second time is during a short break in the middle of the day. I'm sitting next to Riku while he does inventory when he turns to me, saying something about wanting to pick up a little more water, and I don't know what comes over either of us, but we just lean forward and go for it. And it's so awesome but way too short. I'm sad to pull back, but we do or else he can't finish doing what he needs to do so we can get moving. Riku ends up packing back up quickly, suddenly anxious to leave, but he still waits until I say go.

I still don't know what it all means. It's just one more kind of confusing and very unsettled thing, and I can't help but regret that it took this long for things to happen, since I might be leaving him soon.

…I don't like thinking about _that_ , either. I just try to focus on eating, and sleeping, and moving forward. Skyscrapers loom in the distance, and every day I think, how are we not there yet?

Until, almost a full week later, we are. 

It's surreal and already super disorienting. All of the sudden, the buildings are tall. Like, taller-than-I've-ever-seen tall. Hundreds of stories, stacked one on top of the other, all around us. Five miles ago we were still looking at little double decker buildings, businesses with little studio apartments on top. I feel like I was plucked out of nowhere and just dropped here without any instruction. It perks me up, and I'm exhilarated all through my usual three o'clock slump. I desperately try to recall things my dad told me. Did he say anything about skyscrapers? I don't think so. Maybe they weren't built yet when he was growing up. 

For some reason, I almost grab Riku's hand as I continue forward, exhausted and wired, slipping into an ancient phone booth and sending my own self positive vibes. Okay, Sora. This is it. You can do this.

I check behind me, just to make sure that we haven’t gotten separated in the afternoon crowd. But when I look up Riku's right outside, shooing away a seagull trotting up to him in the hopes of getting something to eat. Boy, is that thing barking up the wrong tree.

I shoot him a grin from inside this glass box, doing a quick scan to make sure the phone looks functional, that there's a usable phone book. So far I'm in luck. I haul a massive book of names off the ground and start thumbing through. It's torn up, dirty, and, most disturbingly, kind of wet, but otherwise it looks in tact. All the while, Riku stands outside, a Sentinel on the lookout for any signs of trouble, my constant protector. 

I flip past businesses and ads, bouncing a little as the A names flow into Bs and Cs, heart jumping every time I find that a page has been ripped out. I hope no one's touched the H section. I need it to be there.

I swallow heavily when I see Gwozdek, Kasper make way for Haas, Emily. Good, that's a good sign... 

There are almost a page of Harts, but only one Michael S.—that would be my dad. I mean, it's probably a common name but... the chances of there being a man with my dad's exact name in the city he always talked about is pretty slim, right? 

His number and address are both listed, right there for anyone to see. Waiting for me.

98-308-917-1568. 3118 Seacourt Circle. 

Riku moves aside when I tap the door, looking at me questioningly on my way out. I greet him with a nod, jotting down the number and address on the back of the map with some gross pen I find on the ground before we set out.

"You found him," Riku says. I nod.

"Found him." Riku gives me this even look I can't totally make out before holding out his hand. "Hm?"

"Let me have your map. I'll take it from here." I nod again, reaching awkwardly behind me, feeling around until I can get a hold of my crunched-up map of the county. He takes it from me, turning on his heel as he scans the labels and lines. 

"We're looking for Seacourt," I tell him, bouncing again. He's still for a moment before acknowledging me with a short nod.

"...Alright. We'll want to go this way." He motions out to his left vaguely. I take a deep breath.

We can do this. 

We almost already have.

*  
We reach a well-to-do neighborhood after passing through a bustling area full of small convenience stores and a tattoo parlor or two. The houses are all painted white or pale yellow, so the entire street looks bright, calm. There aren’t a lot of people out, either, and the few who are are watering their lawns or hopping into their cars and taking off for somewhere. We're obviously in a nice part of town, far from the bustle of the streets. I wonder where it lets out, how far we are from Dad’s place.

“I think this is it,” Riku says, stopping so suddenly I nearly smack into him.

All I can do is stare blankly ahead.

That can’t be right. There’s no way. Six years ago, Dad, Mom and I... we were living in a mobile home on the edge of town. They struggled so hard to make ends meet that even as a kid I could tell that we were always seconds away from being in real trouble. 

When I try to breathe, my breath catches in my throat. This house is so big and perfectly maintained, the ocean must be really close if the salt smell is an indicator, and this neighborhood is beautiful. You’d need serious money to live here. This can’t be it. There’s no way. Literally no possible way.

But this is where Riku led me, and I trust him. 

3118 Seacourt Circle. 

“What are you waiting for?” Riku asks, nudging me forward. I nod, walk up to the door, and do nothing. I’m frozen, like time has stopped.

After all this time… I may actually be saying goodbye to everything I know. Goodbye to walking for hours on end, to hunger and thirst, to fear and exposure. 

Finally, taking a deep breath, I ring the doorbell. The few moments that pass are agonizing. What if he’s not home? What if it’s the wrong house?

What if he doesn’t want me?

A minute passes. Then two. Another two. Until we're going on something like five or ten minutes with nothing to show for it. I knock again, I ring the bell, and no one comes to the door.

"It could be a weekday," Riku says gently. I burst into tears, refusing to face him until I can compose myself, and give him a shaky nod. "If it is, he's probably at work. If it's the weekend, he could be running an errand. Please breathe. Let's just sit and wait, okay?" 

I nod again, composing myself with a few deep breaths. Rubbing my eyes with my dirty sleeve makes them sting, so I just let Riku lead me to the stoop and sit us both down, resting with my head on his shoulder until they quit hurting. I know this isn't the end, this doesn't mean anything, but I've been waiting for _so long_. And now all I can do is sit and continue to wait for who knows how long to find out if my dad even lives here. If he even lives on this side of the country. What if he isn't even alive, period?

That sends another wave of tears through me, and I do my best to blink them away and be strong because worrying won't solve anything. I have my plan B, I have a safe place to go and a friend there who might be waiting for me. No matter what happens, I’m gonna be okay.

I just want this so bad.

Riku slings an arm around me, pulling me to his chest without a second thought. In the meantime... I just stare out into the street, hoping that every car that lazily trods along is the one. 

"Do you want to eat?" Riku asks at some point. I just shake my head. He doesn't let go. "Let me know when... if... you want to leave."

"You ever play punch buggy?" I ask as a little blue car speeds past.

"Hm?"

"Nevermind."

White, white, white, black, silver, red. My breath hitches every time a car looks like it might pull in, but they all pick up speed and glide right past. After a while, the traffic flow dwindles. Any car that passes goes straight ahead, so I don’t even get the momentary relief that ounce of hope provides. Riku squeezes me tighter as a whine deep in my throat, beginning to bounce my feet. This hurts so much.

I perk up as another car finally slows enough to maybe be it, heart racing as it approaches, and nearly die when it turns a hard right up into the driveway. 

It’s as nice as the house—big but not quite a van or SUV, spotless white with tinted windows. I'm straining my eyes, hoping to see the outline of an adult man, suddenly terrified that it might be him.

I didn’t think this through. I didn’t plan what to actually do when I found him. Again my mind cycles through every possible outcome. What if he remarried? If Dad has another family he might not want anything to do with me... 

In my mind I picture a kid younger than me but already taller and smarter and straight, and some beautiful, smart, well-adjusted woman who my mom could never compete with. 

What if he doesn’t want me? Why else would he leave us without even a word of goodbye? Without a single phone call or postcard?

What if it isn’t him?

Well, I guess this is where I find out.

Riku lets go of me and we scramble to our feet as the car’s engine dies and the door opens. My heart leaps when I see a short, brunet man cross the driveway. Riku backs up a little as though to hide, but I dart out from the stoop to greet the man before he can find us on his own. I start about eight sentences at once: "Hey—I—are—" 

The man stares at me, unblinking, keys still in his hand. In his surprise, he drops them—the clatter of metal on cement is loud, but I barely register it. 

"...Sora?” he asks. I feel like I could float away. I knew when I saw him, there was no one else he could be. I've always looked more like him than my mom—we have the same coloring except he's got brown eyes, and a bunch of other small things, like the chin and ears, have a total resemblance. He looks older—a lot older—but not enough to make him unrecognizable. Six years, and he’s right here in front of me.

“Dad!” I squeak.

"How on earth—" he stoops to pick up his keys before hesitantly enveloping me in a hug that only gets tighter when I return it. For a second he squeezes the air out of me, but somehow I don't cry. I feel cried out. "Sora, I can't believe—here, come inside. Sora, you—you're filthy. Does your mom know where you are?"

I register the question slowly as we walk up to the door, Dad fumbling with the keys before letting us in. I’m trying to take everything in as he leads me through the entry, and it isn’t until we’re settling on a soft leather couch in the living room that I realize he’s still waiting on an answer.

"Yeah—I mean no—she knows I ran away, that I wanted to find you. But she doesn't know where I am. Exactly." He sighs heavily, unable to look at me. My heart sinks a little.

"Sora," he repeats. "I'm so glad you're okay. You could have... you could've been killed, or—worse—" I shake my head.

"I had help, Dad. Wait till you meet—" Turning to my left to find the spot empty, I gasp out loud. Is he still outside? "Riku! Dad, I need to—I'll be right back!" 

I bolt, jumping from the couch, leaving the door swinging open behind me. No, Riku isn't right outside—he’s nowhere to be seen. I should’ve known he wouldn't stick around, not even to say goodbye.

I'm halfway down the street when I find him, thankful Riku couldn't get too far. He slows and turns when he hears my rapid footsteps, like he can't even bother being surprised.

"Sora," he says coolly.

"Riku," I pant, severely out of breath and fighting tears again and I don't even know why. 

"You did it, Sora.”

"...What?"

"You found your dad, and that's... so amazing. I hope it all works out for you." Wait, why does this sound like goodbye?

"You're... you're coming with me, right?" I ask.

"For what reason, exactly?"

"Just to... to meet my dad. Don't you want to know how this ends?" Riku rolls his eyes, not even pulling away as I take his hand.

"...Lead the way," I think I hear him murmur behind me.

 

*  
I'm careful to let go of Riku's hand when Dad's house comes into view, just in case he glances out the window. In case he's waiting for me to come back. Awkwardly I knock, then just turn the knob and take a step in when I find that the door's open.

Dad's halfway to the door anyway, phone in hand, and again he physically leads me to the couch, a hand on my shoulder, Riku trailing behind like a haggard third wheel.

"Hey, it's Michael," he says to whoever's on the other line. The entire time he speaks he doesn't take his eyes off us, like we'll disappear if he does. I swallow hard, feeling edgy and tapping my fingers on my knees. I just hope he isn't calling Mom. "Can you cancel my meeting this afternoon? I've had a family emergency and won't be back in the office today—yeah, everything's fine, I just need to stay close. I'll be on email tonight, so if anything comes up... thanks, you too, bye." I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, flopping against the backrest as Dad lets the phone just drop on the chair next to him. 

The entire house is quiet, save for some gurgling in the direction of the kitchen. It sounds like Dad put on some coffee after I left. Otherwise... what do we do? What do we even say?

"So, who's your friend?" Dad asks, his sudden volume making us all jump—including him. If possible, Riku goes even stiller.

"Oh! Dad—this is Riku. We've been traveling together the past few months and I really wanted you to meet him." 

“It's nice to meet you, Riku,” Dad says, leaning forward and holding out his hand for a shake. Riku pointedly inches back, hands not budging from their place tucked into his locked knees. Dad falters for a moment before dropping his hand. I flush a little, scrambling to remedy this awkward first impression. 

"Riku really helped me, I never would've made it without him." Dad thanks him politely, but Riku doesn't even look his way. I frown, tempted to touch him, but resist. I guess I don't know this city or Dad well enough to know how that would go over. It's another moment of awkward silence, then Dad's slapping his knees decisively and standing. 

"Well, let's get you both settled for now. Showers," he motions as he speaks, like a flight attendant. I fight nervous laughter. "Upstairs, and down the hall. I'll start a load of laundry so you won’t have to change into dirty clothes and get some snacks going. You must be..." he glances at me, then away, already starting for the kitchen. "You must be hungry."

"Riku," I whisper as soon as Dad's out of sight. Finally I place a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. "You okay?" 

"I just want a shower," he says, standing and walking off. I watch him cross the living room and head down a hallway by the front door that veers into a guest suite we passed on the way in. As much as I want to get clean, there are a million questions in my head to bombard Dad with. I need answers, so maybe I can stop feeling like this might be pulled out from under me at any moment.

I trail into the kitchen. When Dad spots me, he pulls a second mug from a cupboard and pours us both some coffee. I decline when he offers me some crackers but accept the drink, cringing a little at the taste when I take my first sip. Mom didn't let me drink coffee at home, so mostly it's just all bitter and harsh. But the more I drink the more I get used to it, and by the time my mug is half-way drained I think I'm starting to like it. When the caffeine kicks in a little, I strike.

“Are we allowed to stay here? How long? Are you going to make mom come for me? Is Riku okay here, can he stay?”

Dad scratches his head, hitting the points in order.

“I'll call your mom this evening and we'll get things straightened out. Riku can stay here as long as he needs to, and you are staying here for as long as I can keep you.” 

Wordlessly I nod, relief quieting the buzz in my body that’s been shaking me since we first arrived. I can stay. _We_ can stay. 

“…I’ve missed you, Sora,” Dad says after what looks less like a mental debate than an all-out battle. "I always wished I could've taken you with me, and now here you are." He looks at me strangely—no, fondly. The way a dad is supposed to look at his son. Still, the news stops me.

“Wait, you wanted me this whole time? Then why didn’t you take me with you?” I replay his sentence in my head. He said _could_ , not _would_. "What stopped you?" Dad looks uncomfortable that I asked. I hope I didn’t cross a line already...

“...Let's have this talk when you're settled in, okay?” he says. “Hey, why don’t you tell your friend to leave his things out so we can start getting everything washed?”

I deliver the message, Riku as hesitant to give up his clothes as you’d expect, but he relents when the promise of not changing into dirt-coated everything seems to win out. 

Dad gives me a large t-shirt to change into while I wait and drops off a shirt and some sweatpants in the guest room for Riku, too. 

For a half hour I doze in front of the TV, realizing how much I've missed the comfort of these familiar faces, the theme songs and dialogue of shows I used to watch more out of boredom than any real interest.

“I just put your clothes in the dryer,” Dad says, jolting me into full consciousness for just a moment before I'm out for real. “...Sora,” I hear Dad’s voice, but I can't tell where it’s coming from. I feel so groggy, so surreal… “Laundry’s done. When your friend’s out of the shower, you should hop in and then we’ll go. Sound good?”

"Go where?" I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. It still takes a second for Dad to swim into view.

"To get you both some new clothes." He gives me a gentle swat on the side, smiling wide. "Now get going, stinky."

“Great,” I slur, grabbing Riku’s stuff from where Dad dropped them next to me and heading back into the guest room make the delivery. The water only clicks off when I walk in, meaning that Riku just took something like an hour-and-a-half long shower. I can’t say I blame him, though. And anyway, it means the timing’s good. I think he’ll be happy that he doesn’t have to hang around in a towel or change into my dad’s clothes.

I hear a muffled ‘come in’ when I knock on the bathroom door, so I twist the knob and throw the door open.

And get an eyeful.

“I said hold on!” he shouts, quickly wrapping towel round his waist. I’m bright red, heart racing and stomach churning. We so did _not_ need this right now. I avert my eyes, trying to look at anything— _anything_ —but him.

“I’m so sorry I thought you said come in! But Dad said we're going shopping and I need to take a shower soon and your clothes are ready so you don’t have to wear Dad’s after all and AGH!” I slam the door shut, only for it to open a crack a moment later to reveal Riku's hand sticking out, outstretched.

“Can I have my clothes back, then?" Too embarrassed to fully turn around, I toss his stuff a little more _at_ him than _to_ him, and I'm pretty sure they end up scattering on the floor somewhere behind him. He shuts the door again without another word—just an irritated sigh.

He emerges a few minutes later, fully dressed in his usual yellow shirt and baggy jeans. 

“What was so important that you had to walk in on me to tell me?” he asks, eyebrow raised.

“We’re going shopping after I take a shower,” I tell him. I rub the back of my head. “...Sorry. I really did think you told me to come in.”

"It’s fine," he says, not looking at me. Red flag.

"Everything okay?" I ask. He shakes his head dismissively. 

"Go wash up. Shower's free." With that he slinks off, leaving me to my own devices. I could press him, or I could just leave him be and do my thing... And right now, not being smelly is a little more of a priority.

The guest bathroom's a lot bigger than I was expecting—maybe because the one and only bathroom at Mom’s was so cramped I could barely move. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to having this much space. Heck, the shower alone could fit two people, easy.

Hm… shouldn’t have put that idea in my head...

Okay, enough distractions. I grab a towel from beneath the sink, strip down, and turn on the tap.

At first, I just close my eyes and let myself feel. I never thought that just taking a shower would be so unfamiliar but man, I missed the feel of warm water beating down on me like this. The pressure and temperature are both perfect—at this rate, I might never want to get out.

After a few minutes of standing around, I grab a bar of soap from the rack hanging from the shower head and lather up. I must scrub myself raw, trying to rid my body of the dirt and grime that’s been building up for months. Hand soap and paper towels just don’t cut it. 

I watch the water swirl down the drain, scrubbing until it goes down clear. That alone takes almost a half-hour of cleaning... black, black, dark gray... even the lather becomes this murky, dusty color, so I have to keep rinsing the bar of soap so I’m not just bathing in my own filth. 

I'm just as thorough with my hair when it’s time, squeezing a generous helping of spicy-smelling goo into my hands and working every last strand—or at least that's what it feels like. I massage and knead my scalp, squeeze and twist chunks of hair, finding at least once what might be a bug. At least the shampoo water goes down lighter. For another ten minutes I stand beneath the spray, letting it pound at the stiff soreness in my back. Sometime after I realize how hungry I am, I shut the water off—not a moment too soon, apparently.

“Sora! Come on out before you turn into a prune.” I laugh a little at Dad's call from the other side of the door, slipping my fresh clothes back on. Just to feel fully clean, I rummage through a drawer for an extra toothbrush, quickly brushing my teeth with water before I head back into the living room. 

“We ready to go?” Dad asks.

“Yeah!" In contrast to my enthusiasm, Riku just gives a small nod.

Dad leads us back out the door, locking up behind him. I practically bounce to the car, waiting as he unlocks it with a single button. There’s no question that I get to call shotgun, so I slide into the front seat as Riku follows, hoisting himself in the seat directly behind me.

Only when Dad sends the engine humming to life does it really hit me that all of this is actually happening. I’m in a car with my dad and Riku. We’re going to get all new things, we’re for sure going to eat… And we can stay. Safe. Together.

I can’t believe it. I wanted this, exactly this, so badly, badly enough to risk everything, to fight for it with everything I have... But deep down, I don’t think I really believed I would get it.

I look back at Riku, who’s staring out the window, expression unreadable. Dad squeezes my hand.

“We’re almost there,” he says, and keeps his hand over mine for the rest of the trip. "Let's get you both fed."

*  
After twenty minutes of light traffic and surprisingly easy parking, we enter the biggest mall I've ever seen. It's three stories, sprawling out in every which direction, both indoors and out. By the time we take our first step in, I can already see every chain store I've basically ever heard of on the second floor, circling around a massive food court—but then, coming from someone who got all their clothes from second-hand stores, maybe I don't have the most knowledge about this kind of thing.

“Go crazy,” Dad says, getting us both some cash and free reign. Forgetting Dad, Riku, and just about everything else, I beeline to a small barbecue stand. Out of all the smells mixing and mingling, that's the strongest, all sweet and tangy and spicy... 

I hope Dad didn't want change back, because my total comes to just barely under the twenty dollars he gave. I order a mountain of beef and pork, with fries, macaroni salad, a brownie and a bucket of soda that's just about as big as I am. Standing still with my heavy tray of food, I scan the food court until I find Riku's head of silver hair just as he’s taking a seat. I scurry to a table in the center of the cluster, where Riku's picking at a chicken salad and Dad's already working on a hot sandwich.

For some reason I can't watch Riku eat—every time I see the chicken on his salad, I think of trying to swallow down lukewarm cans of mushy thigh meat without tasting it. It's not that his meal looks bad! It's huge and fresh, covered in nuts and fruit and some sort of dressing I can smell from my seat at the other side of the table—but... I just think it's going to be a long time before I can eat chicken again. Or tuna. Or any kind of canned fruit, or crackers, or....

Well, why think about that when I have all of this awesome food in front of me? Time to dig in!

Thankfully, my stomach doesn't disappoint. I make my way through the salad, fries, shredded pork, and half my short ribs before I'm full to the point of bursting. 

Drowning out the sounds around me, I lean back in my seat, shutting my eyes. Exhaustion just hit me full force, so I'm grateful that Dad is just now finishing up and Riku seems to be taking his time. I need a minute to just sit and not move. Although... 

I pry one eye open and glance to my side, just to make sure Riku really is eating. I can't help but notice he's doing a lot of pushing food around and not a lot of actual chewing and swallowing.

“You all right, Riku?” I ask. Dad looks up.

“You look a little sick,” he agrees. “Are you going to be up to this today?”

“I’m fine,” Riku says, eyes on me, just now beginning to eat again. I think I overstepped, but he doesn't seem too mad about it.

When we're all fully finished eating and I've had some time to digest—my untouched brownie wrapped in napkins and stuck in my pocket for later—Dad leads us into a department store. 

He supervises from afar, giving us distance as we pick up shirts and jackets, pajamas, jeans, underwear. A sales associate actually comes up to ask us if we need a basket, which has never happened to me in my life. Every time I glance up to make sure I'm not overdoing it, Dad just sends me a confident nod. There must be well over a hundred dollars worth of clothes between Riku and I, which almost makes me sick if I think about it for too long. This is so out of my comfort zone.

Once we both have a pretty good pile going we start trying things on, only narrowing our considerable piles down by a little bit as we find things here and there that don’t fit. I can't help but notice that Dad keeps telling Riku to pick out more. Looks Riku's still in "what can I carry on my back?" mode, which I totally get.

When we’re done trying, Dad tracks down the checkout counter with the shortest line, but some sort of weird computer problem on the cashier's end means we're stuck waiting anyway. I don't even mind. I love the smell of this place, the fluorescent lighting, and endless rows of ties and socks, the suited mannequins. I love people walking by without looking away pointedly. I love not stealing. I love this life that doesn’t feel like mine yet. I love it all.

Next, we stop off in a nearby strip mall for haircuts. I don't do anything drastic, just ask them to snip off anything super dead, watching the whole time in some sort of pity-amusement combination as the unoccupied hairdressers fawn over Riku like he's the most exotic thing they've ever seen.

"Who does your coloring?" A dark-haired woman asks him. "It looks so natural!"

"It is," Riku responds shortly, taking a step away for some breathing room. They're all obviously hurting to get their hands on him but he shoots them down, majorly agitated as he pushes his hair back behind him and flattens it from when they all took turns totally molesting him. 

Honestly I don’t know whether to laugh at him or feel sorry for him, so I just kinda do both. I just barely manage to bite my tongue as we leave. As hard as I'm stifling my own laughter, Riku does not look amused.

*  
Being out was great, but I'm relieved when Dad drops us off so he can do some grocery shopping and grab us some basic toiletries. All I want is to be home, curl up next to Riku, and sleep for about a week.

Riku seems pretty partial to the downstairs guest room, diving in right away to change into his new clothes, so I make my first foray upstairs. Probably best to give him some time to himself anyway. 

The second story opens in a small loft area with an obviously-loved chair, a small table, and a tall lamp all neatly tucked in. The first room, on my left, is the master bedroom. Almost immediately after is a second guest room that looks like it's been turned into a study, which means the third door down is the other room up for grabs. Or, it is now at least, ‘cause I’m taking it. It's just barely furnished, with a bed, desk, and dresser all taking up practically no space at all. 

It’s no surprise that the room is huge, but I’m not expecting the attached bathroom and a sliding door that looks like it leads out to a balcony. Heart racing, I drop my bags on the ground and take a running leap onto the bed. It's firm, probably unslept in—until tonight. 

I should probably focus on getting dressed, though, so I force myself out of bed and strip, my old runaway clothes going straight into the empty trash bin tucked beneath the desk. I throw on a pair of jeans and a red t-shirt with some kind of black and white jagged pattern splattered across the front, feeling cleaner and fresher than I have in my entire life.

I'm about to head downstairs to grab Riku, but it looks like he had the same idea. He's wandering upstairs, so I sit back until he spots me in the room. He walks a little slowly through the doorway before he comes to a stop, as if he's waiting for the sign of some sort of booby trap before proceeding. 

I get a good look at him and lose my breath.

His hair is fully dried, the frizz brushed out of it so it falls neatly past his shoulders. In clothes that actually fit I can finally see him, the shape of his body... I never noticed how smooth and milky his skin is, with the dirt and muck all off him. I think of words I'd used to describe him in the past and none of those measure up to what he looks like standing in front of me now. I don't even want to get closer, to touch him, because then I'd have to stop looking.

"...Is everything okay?" he asks, finally continuing in.

"Y-yeah!" I sputter. "You look..." I let that one trail off, unfinished, especially seeing the look of total puzzlement that makes itself home on his face. “You know, Dad said we can both stay here. For as long as you want, you have a place here with us." He doesn't look as relieved as I was hoping for.

“…oh.”

"It's great, right? We can stay together, and you don't have to go back out there! You're safe."

"We both know I can't, Sora," he says lowly, taking a seat on the bed. I follow, frowning.

"...What do you mean?"

He looks at me with this sad smile, the way you'd look at a small child or someone else not capable of understanding.

"I guess if you don't get it now, you just don't get it," he responds evasively, a gentleness to him that softens what he's trying to say. "I'll regroup, get myself back to... whatever health I can, but... I can't make any promises about what happens after that."

"But," I confirm. "...For now..."

"For now I'm here."

“I’m glad,” I insist, grabbing onto him as if it'll stop him from leaving me someday. I need him with me in this new chapter of my life. Maybe running away I could do on my own after a certain point, but I don't know where to go from here without him, don't know what will happen to him, and now more than ever I can’t handle any uncertainty. 

His next words are so quiet, I almost miss them.

“I am too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKEANOS (Oceanus) was the primordial Titan god of the great, earth-encircling River Okeanos, font of all of the earth's fresh-water - rivers, wells, springs and rain-clouds. He was also the god who regulated the heavenly bodies which rose from and set into his waters.
> 
> Oceanus was a divine figure in classical antiquity, believed by the ancient Greeks and Romans to be the divine personification of the sea, an enormous river encircling the world. Strictly speaking, Oceanus was the ocean-stream at the Equator in which floated the habitable hemisphere. Thus, the sun rises from the deep-flowing Oceanus in the east and at the end of the day sinks back into the Oceanus in the west.
> 
> (sources: theoi.com, wikipedia.org)


	24. Onward and Upward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An end, and a beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different from the rest--it starts off in Riku's perspective. The switch back to Sora's point of view should be obvious if I've done my job right, but you can also look out for the backslash page break (\\) to know ahead of time.

Everyone in the house is asleep except for me. This should come as a relief, but I'm more wired than I've been since my earliest days as a runaway.  
   
The first time.  
   
I ended up crashing on the couch a few hours after Sora and his father went upstairs to their respective bedrooms. I couldn’t take one of the extra rooms, as enthusiastically as they were offered to me. It’s too final, and I can't handle any sort of finality right now. After shooting that proposal down I'm sure Sora expected me to room with him or something, but just because I’ve been sleeping next to him for the past few months doesn’t mean I’ll make it a habit for the rest of my life. I’m a big boy, after all. I can sleep on my own.  
   
If I can sleep at all.  
   
Far removed from busy surface streets or noisy neighbors, this house is quiet and still, and I have the entire ground floor entirely to myself. But my head is as crowded with ugly, crowing thoughts as ever, making for a loud night.  
   
I tug my feet free from the plush blanket lent to me for the night, tangled from my endless tossing and turning. Inadvertently, I kick out--and end up taking something clean off the arm rest. It clatters loudly, richocheting off the end table and the leg of the coffee table in front of me, until it comes to rest on the carpet, by my feet, still.  
   
I’m off the couch with no memory of jumping to my feet, heart pounding and alert. For no reason. Looks like I just hit the remote control, since the TV’s on now. Without thinking I shut it off and just pray that the noise wasn't enough to wake anyone. I stand frozen for forever, but there isn’t another sound. Before I settle, I check my back. Nothing, obviously. Nothing but a counter and the digital clock on the oven in the next room.  
   
Already, it’s 3 AM.  
   
Sora and his father went to bed at 11. Maybe 11:30, at the latest. It doesn't seem like it's really been almost four hours.  
   
But have I really been sleeping? That doesn't feel right, either.  
   
I settle on the couch again, because I know if I don't I'll be pacing all night--or maybe I'd even leave and never look back. I just have to remind myself that I'm not in danger. I'm pretty sure I'm not in danger. I might not be in danger.  
   
But I never will know for sure.  
   
I just need to get the hell away.  
   
Giving up, I rise again to walk over to the kitchen and search the cabinets for a glass. God, I can’t calm my nerves… I keep feeling like I’m going to slip up. But it’s not like I’ll be condemned for getting a drink of water, so I just need to get a grip, let myself relax, and maybe get some sleep for once.  
   
But in the meantime, I find myself a clean mug in a cabinet above the sink and fill it with lukewarm water from the kitchen sink, sipping slowly. This will be a good time to stock up on water, I can't forget that. I need to stock up on water and maybe see if I can nab any cans of food without being noticed, or spare soaps... anything that won't be needed or noticed or missed... like me. If I can help it. And I have new clothes and shoes, so I'll be able to keep warm, or cool, and...  
   
God, I'm too tired to think about this. My mind hasn't shut up from this loop for two years, but maybe tonight I can just take a break.  
   
But then, maybe that's better than thinking about everything that's happened since we got here in the morning. Settling and sitting and doing nothing but stewing and analyzing. Being in a car for the first time in I don't even know how long and fighting motion sickness every second of the way. Eating. Shopping, out in the open like I have nothing to hide. And the leather jacket that caught my eye, just for a moment, and Sora's dad hovering and noticing and watching.  
   
"Do you want me to pick this up for you?" he'd asked, and I'd said I didn't need it. "Think of it as a gift," he'd said then, and I gave a firmer but polite no thank you. Nathan wouldn't have done that. Not in a thousand years. If I had come back to Nathan, if he would let me, I would be under constant watch and my clothes would be shopped for and given to me without my involvement at all, and there would be no welcoming.  
   
I wish I could just turn my thoughts all off, but I can't. Maybe I should just keep trying to doze... I set my empty mug beside the sink, trying to blink the soreness from my eyes as I slowly pad back to the couch. Behind me the lights flick on and I tense--Sora?  
   
I stop, taking one hesitant step forward, checking behind me--and just narrowly miss bumping into Sora's father. I jolt back, eyes wide, but at least he looks equally as surprised.  
   
“Sorry, did I scare you?” he asks as he advances toward me; instinctively, I continue to inch back. He reaches to put his hand on my shoulder, but I wince and he pulls away without a word.  
   
“No, sir.” No, sir. Just like that. Not even a day off the streets and I’m already snapping back into the codes of conduct from my hometown.  
   
"It's late. Is everything okay?"  
   
I shrug helplessly. “I woke up a while ago and I was thirsty. That’s all, sir.” He looks at me, considering... something, I don't know what.  
   
"Let me know if you need anything." He’s halfway to the stairs when I finally let myself unclench. I don’t think I realized how tense I was. “And you don’t have to call me sir,” he calls.  
   
After he’s gone for sure, I rest back on the couch, mug in hand. I guess that went better than it could have gone.  
   
But I know I'm not going to get to any sleep down here, especially not now that I'm buzzed and secretly disappointed.  
   
Sora...  
   
Before I even realize what I’m doing I'm climbing up the stairs and sneaking into his room. I approach carefully, quietly. He’s sleeping peacefully on his side, an arm draped over his face, breathing loudly and steadily. The last thing I want is to wake him.  
   
Look at him… not a care in the world… I’m jealous. I ease myself onto the bed, gradually adding more of my weight until I can be sure that he won't be disturbed by any creaks or squeaks in the mattress, but all is quiet.  
   
It isn't enough... I want to talk to him. I want him to talk to me.  
   
“…Sora?” He doesn’t respond. Of course... I kind of knew he wouldn’t.  
   
I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I crawl into bed next to him, pull the covers over me, and press my face against Sora’s shoulder, overwhelmed by his warmth.

I haven't felt this safe all night.  
   
Or longer.  
   
\  
I wonder how long it'll be before I stop expecting Riku to wake me in the morning. My eyes are blurred when I wake, which I think is just a sign of the best sleep I've had in years--maybe my entire life. The soft mattress under my body and cool sheets above send overwhelming relief through me in waves. I feel like I could just lay on my stomach, staring at the wall, for weeks. I really, really thought I was going to wake up on the ground in some city I don't know. I don’t ever want to let this feeling go. I'm happy--nothing else. Just happy.  
   
And then there's Riku, all curled up and warm next to me. It's like the world gave me everything I wanted and then asked how it could make my life even better. I need to talk to him. Need to.  
   
I shift onto my other side, grabbing a spare pillow and pulling it to my chest. Even that gets me all giddy. I've never had a spare pillow in my life. I've never had spare anything.  
   
“’Morning, Riku,” I murmur, catching that sleepy sliver of cyan beneath his lashes. He might be drifting, but he isn't asleep. “When did you come in?”  
   
“I couldn’t fall asleep last night,” he mumbles in return.  
   
"Well, you can sleep now. All day if you want." His eyes shut again, and he smiles.  
   
"I might."  
   
He won't. In ten minutes, he's gonna be itching for something, I just know it. I sit up, running my fingers through his hair once as I get all settled. I ache all over no matter what I do, my feet screaming and back sore, but someday that'll go away. Someday I'm going to be out of the pain and fear that came with running away, and in the end it's still gonna be me and Riku against the world. Maybe not even against it--just in the world, living. Together. A team, or maybe finally friends… or…  
   
“Riku... what are we?” I ask. The question seems to jerk him back to life. He breaths deep and loud, pushing the mass of bed head away from his face.  
   
“...huh?”  
   
“What are we?" I repeat. "I mean, with everything we've been through… are we friends, or…" I squeak out the last word, almost hoping he doesn't hear. "More?”  
   
“I don’t know,” he replies, unbelievably attractive on his side with a hand propping his head up. “But...”  
   
“But what?”  
   
“... but I kind of like it.”  
   
“Me, too.”  
   
I curl into my pillow and push myself forward, into Riku, who meets me with his chin on my head. Because we have nothing else we need to do, we sleep.  
   
Like I said, it's like the world gave me everything I ever could have wanted--and then some.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking it out, everyone. I really appreciated the comments and kudos and enjoyed reading your feedback.
> 
> This isn't it for these two goobers. There's a completed sequel called Home that just needs some minor retooling, so hopefully you should be seeing that in the next few months. There's also a two-shot that follows Riku's journey through Runaway, and if it's salvageable I'll throw that up here as well.
> 
> Hope to see you all soon for Home. <3


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